I'm currently reading Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. I've been doing the 40 Day Love Dare and I'm in day 9.

I've been married 6 months. This is not a first marriage for my husband or myself. We are both in our mid-fifties.

Yesterday after he got home from work, I asked about his day. He related how things went. He talked about this couple he had to do work for and specifically the wife. He told me at least four times that the wife was "pretty cool" and "yea, I gotta say it, I liked her." I responded with a smile and said, "I can tell."

The truth is, I was hurt. I rarely get a compliment from my husband. I took time on Mother's Day to dress nicely before going out, doing my hair and makeup. I told hubby he looked nice and he said thank you and that was it.

I'm growing increasingly frustrated by the day. The lack of compliments aren't our only problem, at least for me.

He doesn't seem to like affection (as in hugging and kissing) and sex is once a week. I like affection and I like sex.

When I sat down to discuss the affection and sex with him he told me the same thing he said a few months ago - we just don't have the time due to our busy schedules. I said we don't even have time for a hug and kiss when one or the other gets home? He said that when we get home it is late, we have to make supper, eat and then it is time for bed.

I told him I'm going to a counselor (Christian oriented) because I am struggling with these things. He doesn't want me to go, he says things will get better when I start my new job because my commute time will be significantly less.

I wanted to tell him that he has time to smoke and drink but I kept quiet because I am avoiding saying anything negative. I'm trying to be positive and upbeat, however, I am struggling.

I'd could use some encouragement and even advice on other things I could do. A part of me is beginning to think my husband is all about himself and as long as I am easy-going, don't ask him to do anything and tend to his needs, he believes we have a great marriage.

Help.

Hi imastarr, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is surprising to see such a young marriage in such trouble so early. How long did you date? Did you live together before marriage?

How did your first marriages end? Any affairs?

imastarr,

Welcome to Marriage builders. I want you to know MelodyLane questions are very important to answer.

I would also like to know if the lack of desire for hugging and kissing you was always something he didn't like doing? And if it was what were other reasons you choice to marry him?

Hi imastarr,

Does your husband watch porn? Does the sex feel mechanical and without much intimacy, with closed eyes?

Hi,

We dated four months and did not live together. I know that isn't a long time.

No affair on my part in my last marriage, he said he didn't "until he knew it was over. "

I questioned him on that and he said they were no longer living together at the time. There are times I get a gut feeling something is going on. He tells me that is from my past and he isn't doing anything.

Maybe I'm a fool?

He was affectionate before we got married and then it dwindled. That is what got me concerned.

Do you have access to his emails and his phone? I would first do a little sleuthing to see if he has any inappropriate relationships with women. I wouldn't ask, but just quietly do some snooping to see what you can find.

Last night he got a phone call on his work cell. If the caller is in his contacts, it announces them, like "call from Bob." This call rang so the person want in his contacts. He didn't answer. I asked who it was and he said it was a coworker. Earlier that day he had gotten a call from that person and his phone said their name. This morning while he was outside, I checked his phone and all traces of the call are gone. Should I say something to him?

Not to my knowledge but when he does give me sex it feels like it is from pity to get me to not mention the lack of it.

NO. Don't say anything. Quietly sneak some spyware on his phone, put a voice activated recorder in his car along with a GPS. Some good spyware for phones is eblaster [spectorsoft.com] or flexispy at flexispy.com.

Does he use a computer at home?

His cell phone for work is a basic flip phone. I don't know if those programs would work. Today he had spent the morning sleeping and smoking. Then he asked me to go to Walmart for him at 3 30 saying he was staying home to work on his truck. When I agreed to go he got all happy and lovey towards me. What am I to make of this? I'm so upset over these things but I'm trying not to show it.

Some of my friends think he married me to help him financially and provide him with medical insurance. I don't want to believe it but maybe they are right. My gut tells me he is up to something.

Last night he also sprang on me that if he had to do a certain job that is an hour away, he would just stay at a relatives and get it done in two days. I've been commuting 2 hours one way so I don't see how he justifies this. I told him I would not be happy with that.

I feel like a fool some days reading these books I'm putting these principles into actions when part of me believes is he is taking advantage of me in the worst way. Most days when I'm alone I feel like crying.

You instincts sound correct. He is likely up to something. Do as Mel suggests, get a VAR in his car, a gps and spyware for the phone.

I am sorry you are having problems so soon in this marriage.

AM

imastarr,

so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I agree he is taking advantage of you. He is participating in Independent Behaviors.

To be clear you have only known him for 10 months, 6 months of that being married correct?

Yes. That is how long we've been together. I want to believe him but my gut says no.

Figure it out. Put a VAR and GPS on his car. Don't' just give up because one method doesn't work.

The other night I tried talking to him to come up with a resolution on the affection that would make us both happy. I suggested we kiss in the morning and when one of us gets home and at bedtime. He said we just don't have the time with our schedules and he was afraid that I wouldn't be happy with that and want more. He thinks my desire for affection is an addiction. We weren't getting anywhere and he was getting angry so I ended the conversation.

I will check into those (VAR and GPS).

What about him made you move forward so quickly? And, what do you feel is the reason he wanted to marry you so quickly?

Without reveling that you are going to be snooping on him, ask him what has change in his desire for affection because he was very affectionate before you all got married.