In a good marriage, couples are interdependent. How do you feel you are "dependent?"

We do almost everything together. I have only a couple of hobbies and I hardly ever participate in them because I always want to be around my husband. I always want him to go with me when I go to do anything. And I feel like I'm the happiest and best version of myself only when I am physically with him. And I miss him so much when he is at work that it almost hurts(I know that sounds silly) lol.

You just defined a happy, integrated, HEALTHY marriage! Why change that?

Our culture has very dysfunctional views of marriage that dictates that it is somehow healthy to lead separate, independent lives. Please note that only 20% of marriages are truly happy because of this kooky belief.

My husband and I very rarely spend time doing things apart because our favorite thing to do is be with each other! That is because we have a healthy marriage.

Read this article: How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

Okay thanks. I have read that article before. I just feel like also my whole self esteem is based on what he thinks of me, and if we were not together I feel I would not have any self worth.

Hi, Safety - welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm glad you saw our posts to VickyJ and signed up to get help for your situation.

I would really like to get you listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show. I think you would find that over time a lot of the issues you are seeing would be addressed.

First off, for your depression, Dr. Harley would definitely recommend an integrated lifestyle and following his "policy of undivided attention" - fifteen hours alone together each week meeting each other's most important emotional needs. This gives you something to look forward to in life and provides your escape, preventing depression. The number one cause of depression in girls and women is their relationship with their husband or boyfriend.

Also, you absolutely need your husband to change the way he acts around women. You need to check up on him, snoop on his computer and phone, read his emails and texts, meet him at work (announced and unannounced), etc., and he needs to provide you with openness and transparency - and a willingness to discontinue relationships that bother you and discontinue interacting with women in ways that bother you. Read Dr. Harley's policy of joint agreement - if he reserves the right to do anything in life that you are not enthusiastic about, Dr. Harley's position is that even just that one thing will eventually ruin your marriage. That is even moreso true when it involves the issue of opposite sex friendships. YOU should be his opposite sex friend, and that's it! Everybody else is an acquaintance, not a friend: they shouldn't be having conversations with him about the plans and problems in their life or his, etc.

Finally, get Dr. Harley's book Love Busters and work through eliminating demands, disrespect, and anger. Dr. Harley prescribes a device and procedure here that can be used to retrain yourself to stay calm so your emotions don't get the best of you and cause demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html

Your husband may not at first want to follow the guidelines suggested here at Marriage Builders - if that's the case, don't make demands, be disrespectful, or have an angry outburst. It's important to learn that you can simply calmly state what you need in marriage, and then eventually if he is unwilling to give it to you you can take steps to protect yourself (planning a separation). The things he does do not cause you to have angry outbursts - that is how you are currently choosing to respond, and that choice makes your problems worse, not better.

But most importantly, start listening to that daily radio show. You will need to get educated on how all of this works and how your marriage needs to be and can be transformed.

You're depressed, insecure, and suffering from poor self-esteem because you had been mistakenly been trying to tough it out in a bad marriage. Feeling like the ball and chain while your DH was enjoying himself with other young ladies instead of you. of course you were feeling awful. But oh my goodness hon you two got the wake-up call when you're baby is just two! Imagine how many years of happiness and joy you have ahead of you, your baby is not even going to remember the fighting and all. What a huge blessing, do you realize this? Changing your legacy! Can you feel from where you are how *thrilled* I am for you?

Today, you're working towards a good marriage, creating a life that you will really enjoy through lots of quality UA and FC (family commitment) time. You'll have your best friend, your DH, to troubleshoot with you when things aren't working for you or your family.

What actions do you have planned for today to feel more confident? Maybe put the baby in the stroller for a run, and later go out and kick the soccer ball with your DH and baby, to get those good chemicals going. Call your mom and see if she can babysit, date night with your DH will make you feel great too. How long does it take for your anti-depressant to kick in? Don't spend another day lonely and miserable!

And then Sunday, take a few minutes with your DH in front of the calendar and plan a blast of a week together

Yes safety, please listen to the show today, those folks know just how to set the example and give you hope based in reality.

Thanks both of you. I will definitely start listening to the radio show. I think all of these things will be beneficial, and my husband agrees to follow Dr. Harvey's concepts


Markos, I thought snooping on your spouse etc was unhealthy? I have done that periodically but in light of recent articles I've read, I thought I should completely stop doing that. I thought you were supposed to trust your spouse and by doing that you are doing damage to your marriage? But I see that Dr. Harvey thinks that nothing should be private in marriage, so I guess that is where you are coming from.


Also, the 5 steps to Romantic Love is the workbook with the questionaires to fill out correct? If so, does anyone know if typical book stores would carry this?

Also, another kind of off topic question. Do you all have people(friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers) that don't agree with these concepts or that you can tell are judging you for maintaining your marriage this way? What do you do when you get a response like this?

Have you read this?
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

Lol yes actually just read it a few minutes ago. I saw it on something you posted on another topic

The notion that you should blindly "trust" your spouse is a destructive viewpoint that leads to affairs. Trust must be earned. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.


I have not seen the workbook in bookstores, but they do sell it for $11 on this website.

I have not experienced this but I would just point out that you don't need the approval of others. Most people have no earthly idea how to create a great marriage and that is understandable. It doesn't stop some folks from having lots of "opinions."

Nope. Great marriages are integrated and transparent.

What's unhealthy would be to NOT snoop on your spouse and give them space and privacy to set up a secret second life. Let me tell you that I have seen a LOT of women on this site who are one step away from the hospital or the psych ward from living like that.


I would stay away from those articles. Really there is a ton of bad marriage advice out there!


Trust is a feeling that is caused when your spouse acts in a certain way. It's not a decision you can just make. Trying to make yourself feel something that is totally unwarranted by your spouse's actions is decidedly unhealthy. And dangerous, too.


Yes - and as I said, I've been here nearly five years now and seen hundreds of marriages in different states. The women who are practically out of their minds and in severely dangerous states and in and out of the hospital are the ones who keep trying to make themselves feel trust when none is warranted.


I just suggest Amazon.com, or order here on this site. If you call Dr. Harley's radio show ,they will send you a book for free.

Dr. Harley has given the following statistics before on his radio show:
40% of marriages end in divorce
20% of marriages end in permanent lifelong separation - they stay legally married, but life apart from each other and rarely or never communicate
20% of marriages stay together for life but are unhappy

Only 20% of marriages are actually happy, for life! Clearly the vast majority of people do not know what it takes to have a happy marriage. They have plenty of opinions and ideas, but that does not mean it is actually working for them. There are people out there who are in their third marriage and are marriage counselors and are giving people the same advice that wrecked their own marriages.

I don't bother to debate people nowadays if they want to critique my life. My life is too short and I'm having too much fun! I'm part of a minority culture - but that culture is the culture that has lifelong happy marriages. If others don't want to join that culture, that's fine with me - they don't have to critique me to retain the right to do whatever they want with their lives.

Thank you. I agree. Since this post we have had some more small problems and arguments. He hangs put with friends who are a bad influence, telling him to lie to me about things etc. Also wanting to hang out with people at work who are even worse, who go to strip clubs and drink daily, do drugs etc and both of us have never participated in any of those things. They invite him go do these things. I can't fathom why someone would want to hang out with such a horrible person and someone who is a bad influence on your marriage. I don't want to be controlling and pick his friends but I am confused on what to do.