It has been 10 years since DDay. My FWW and I have worked very hard and have done very well. Our marriage has been really good. We have had some hiccups along the way but nothing major.

Here is my problem 2 years ago my wife had to start traveling extensively for work. I had no problem with it until a couple of months ago. About a month before the 10 year DDay anti-versary I started to get that gut feeling that something was off. I started to think about what happened 10 years ago and feeling like she may be having another A.

Her previous A was with a married co worker he was a serial cheater blah blah. They used work as an excuse to hide their A activities. The A went on for a year before I found out. Because I trusted her Blah blah you know the drill.

Back then I got the same gut feeling. Anyway I have been snooping. She does not know but I know the passwords to her work iPhone and iPad. The only thing I found was some text messages between her and her boss (whom I know very well)they meet for drinks by themselves a coupe of times late at night while they were both out of town at company HQ.

The text were simple, him "hey are you done" her "yeah where are you "at the bar, you want a glass of wine" her " sure " this message took place at 9:52 p.m. oh and it was in mid Feb.

This is not conclusive of anything except that she should not be by herself with a male coworker having drinks at a bar. I was pretty upset. That is how her A started, meeting for a drink after work and talking.

We have been getting along well except for me complaining about her boundary issues with family members (her father and mother have no clue what boundaries are) and the moved last summer to live 3 minutes from us. They are 75.

We went on vacation and had a awesome time last week. Great sex, pleasant conversation. Nothing out of the ordinary.

She does spend a lot of time on social media on her iPad and she got a personal iPhone in November which I do not know the password for.

I am pretty upset about her meeting with her boss for drinks I know it has been more than a one time thing. I have not found any evidence of an A.

Should I bring up the meeting for drinks, because if I do she will probably say something about I have not done anything in 10 years and she will probably get upset.

What should I do? Sorry for the run on sentences I'm a little upset writing about this.

When a marriage has suffered the trauma of adultery, it's critical to institute Extraordinary Precautions for life followed by both spouses.

Here's what should have happened after your wife's affair 10 years ago:



I highlighted in red the EPs that has been glaringly obviously ignored. Neither you nor your wife should be traveling overnight. If your wife's job requires travel, then she needs to change jobs. Not only does travel rob a couple of much-needed time for meeting ENs, but it also makes accountability for time and location nearly impossible.

Passwords for phones and computers, emails, social media should be shared.

Recovery from an affair also means agreeing to building a marriage that is much better than the pre-A marriage - a romantic, passionate, and SAFE marriage. Your marriage hasn't been safe since your wife began traveling for her job. It also has limited potential to be romantic, because a good marriage requires 15 hours a week meeting each other's ENs consistently.

I would snoop quietly and find out what's been going on. Save any evidence.

Also, I would tell her that her traveling is no longer something you enthusiastically agree with and you would like her to stop. Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

Welcome back to MB, tmy. I'm sorry that you've had to return under these circumstances.

Your wife is indeed having an affair, and it might well be with her boss. You've put down all the pertinent facts, such as her having a new personal phone, and I think you know already that they add up to an affair.

You need to snoop to find out the extent of her involvement with this other man (her boss). I have no advice to offer on cracking the password on phones, but there is a whole forum here, Operation Investigate, containing information on how to spy on phones. Please look there right away.

I think your best best is to hire a PI to follow your wife, for a few days at her workplace and possibly when she next goes away - although the best advice on that would be for her not to go away, ever again.

I'm going to read your history now, but my guess is that when you last posted here you were not given Dr Harley's advice that neither spouse should have a travelling job. Such jobs are open invitations to have affairs. They allow the perfect conditions for a secret second life and it is very hard for a BS to even realise what is going my. My H had such an affair, and despite his many promises to stop, the only way their physical contact did stop was when he gave up travelling.

There was a similar thread to yours in this forum only a couple of months ago. I'll be back with a link to it. It contains all the advice that we need to give you, which is that you must

1. spy to discover the facts about the affair and

2. put a stop to your wife's travelling, before you can ensure no contact between the affair partners (she will have to leave that job) and before you can begin a proper recovery.

Obvious, you did not follow Dr H's recovery plan when you were last here, because had you done so, your wife would never had started travelling. I'm so sorry that this has happened again.

Finally: you're in the wrong forum. You belong in Surviving an Affair. Click "notify" and ask to have your thread moved there, please.

here is the thread that I recommended to you: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2801641&#Post2801641

The original question on that thread was about how much BS should demand to know about the spouse's affair, but I urge you to read beyond the first few posts about that issue and get to the section where his wife's travelling job is discussed. I posted my own story there, and so did a couple of other people.

Every regular poster on this forum today will tell you that your wife needs to end her travelling job. In fact, I would put it more strongly than LongWayFromHome did: since there is an affair going on, and also because there has been a workplace affair in the past, the end to your wife's travelling is a requirement for recovery. That is non-negotiable; it is not subject to POJA. None of the conditions for recovery after an affair is subject to POJA.

Your wife cannot stay in a travelling job for the reasons given by Dr Harley, and she cannot move to another job within that same organisation because the affair is with a colleague. She cannot do NC with a colleague while she works there in any capacity.

You need to get firm evidence but once that is done, if she wants to recover the marriage she needs to give her notice. That is non-negotiable.

tmy, I found this post you made in 2005. I've tried to piece together your story but you never told it on one thread, and you did not make many posts at all when you were first here. I can see that the affair was with a co-worker, but there is no mention of her leaving that job.

Could you please tell us the story of that affair, especially whether you wife left that job, and how long after D Day she did that?

Thank you for the responses as I am at a loss for what to do. I will continue to Snoop. I figured out her personal email password but I must access it from home or it will notify her that it was accessed from another computer.

I did not post much on MB when I came here the first time mostly I just read. I read all the books and I know the recovery was not done properly.

I never exposed except to OM's wife. The affair ended on DDay so I did not have to kill it. At that time I did not know about MB principles. It was months after the Affair ended that I found out about exposure by that time I felt what was the purpose of exposing now.

I will try to give the short version of my story from 10 years ago.

I am thinking back to 2003 so have patients.

Wife worked a lot of hours for about 2 years. We had a 13 year old daughter who was having some issues to this day I do not know what all the issues were. I rarely saw my wife and I took care of our daughter most of the time and did all the cooking because my wife worked so late.

Daughter was usually hanging out with friends or doing home work in the early evening and a friend of mine would come by almost daily and we would have a few beers. Wife would not get home until around 7:00 p.m.

This went on for a year or so. I was so preoccupied with everything else I did not notice changes in my wife and her behavior.

One evening though she was supposed to pick up daughter at dance lessons and she did not and got home pretty late like 8:30. When she showed up without DD I was dumbfounded. She started yelling at me that I was supposed to pick her up. I asked where have you been I thought you were picking up DD. She said no it is the monthly professional association meeting night and that is where she was. The thing is she went to that meeting 2 weeks ago.

That triggered something and I thought what is going on. So I started to snoop. After a couple of months I finally saw a strange number on the home phone it was WW voice mailbox pin along with the voice mail number.

I called the VM and there was a message from OM talking about work stuff and at the end of the call he said Love you tonnes.

I finally had evidence. I confronted and she said it was an EA and no PA and she just let it get out of hand.

Well I snooped and asked questions and she finally came clean the EA went around 7 months. Meeting for drinks after work and talking maybe kissing in the parking lot a few times. Then one night when this professional organisation was supposed to meet they went for drinks and ended up in a motel room to have sex. That went on for another 7 months until she got caught.

I am not stupid just very trusting we had been married for 20 years when this happened. She used work as an excuse to cover her tracks and since she had worked like that for a while I had no reason to be suspicious. They would meet at a motel about every 2 weeks like clock work using the professional organisation and work as a cover.

When I caught her she was very remorseful. She did everything I needed to help me recover and after about a year and a half I felt I had pretty much recovered. We read all the books did His Needs Her Needs. I forgot to mention she immediately moved to another dept.

I have know for a long time that some of the issues got rug swept even now. We have had a great marriage for the last 10 years. The traveling thing did not bother me at first she asked me about it and I said ok. My fault. She is very high up In a big fortune 500 company and it came with the high six figure salary that you must travel now.

She is very good to me I only work because I want to. She is very supportive. She has boundaries issues that have never been addressed and that is both of our fault. Until now things have been great. Things are still great between us except I have that nagging feeling something is going on and meeting a male co worker for drinks is crossing the line and she knows that.

So here we are.

Thank you for your help I will keep updating.

TMW - I think you already know this, but it bears repeating: Just because the marriage seems great to you doesn't mean that your wife agrees. Most men are happy with a low-maintenance relationship, and most women are not. At some point, you will need to address this as you work toward recovery. Right now, you have an affair to expose and kill.

I am aware of this. The thing is she appears to be happy with me and our relationship. We have even talked about boundary issues with her parents and she agreed that she was not observing the boundaries and she cancelled mothers day dinner because her parents overstepped our boundaries.

See my problem she is really IN our relationship. She does not act strange or is pissed off at me like before. Our relationship is very good. That is why I really need solid proof of an A.

Dr. Harley's advice to people who suspect an affair is to snoop quietly until you find evidence that would convince a jury. You already have that feeling that something is off. Listen to that and snoop. Keep the evidence you find in a safe place,then come here for the next step.

I think it seems "good" because you are both so emotionally detached. Having an intimate, integrated marriage is foreign to you and your wife but, in truth, she is probably not in love. She fell out of love in her last affair and since that was never rectified, she has never fallen back in love.

When a couple tells me they have a good marriage and one of them is traveling, I know they have fallen out of love. The reason I know this is because my H and I are in love and traveling apart is a disaster to our marriage. It greatly interrupts our lives and makes us very uncomfortable.

But, that can all be changed in the future if you will get the evidence, kill the affair and go through this program. Couples that don't go through these very precise steps often end up back here with repeat affairs. As you have found out the hard way.

Tellmewhy,

She does spend a lot of time on social media on her iPad and she got a personal iPhone in November which I do not know the password for.

I am pretty upset about her meeting with her boss for drinks I know it has been more than a one time thing. I have not found any evidence of an A.

There is also a chance your W just became better at hiding her emotions, or rationalizes it's just about sex.

It is very troubling that your W would have drinks late at night with a man and not tell you.

You have to break in to her phone, why has your W not given you access?

Might be a good time to get a polygraph for your W, you can claim you don't feel you have the full story from 10 years ago. Tell your daughter about the affair as well, the fact that the affair was never properly exposed left you open to reoccurance.

God Bless
Gamma

I have been to a family event. My daughter came to visit for the event. I got lucky because DD put an app on wife's personal iphone so she got the password. So I got it from her. I did not ask my wife for the password so I could snoop with out her knowing. I told DD i needed the password and she got it. I will talk to her later. I need to snoop with out anyone knowing anything.

I have looked through everything on her phone and I could account and I have found nothing. Nothing at all. But she could always delete anything suspicious but there were text from last year.

I have a gps in the car and a var in the car also.
I have not found anything. So I have zero evidence.

My DD telles me WW is on facebook a lot with all her family and friends.

Thank everyone for the advice. I will continue to snoop. If I find nothing I will ask for a polygraph.

I will keep posting, and any more advice would be awesome.

You have a golden opportunity to slip some spyware on her phone. Depending on what type it is, you can either install eblaster [spectorsoft.com] or flexispy. Both of those have a built in GPS. They are not hard to install if you just practice on your own phone.

How does she access facebook? From a computer?

Good for your daughter!!

I just read up and saw that she has an iphone and an ipad. Flexispy has spyware for both: http://www.flexispy.com/

Tell her DD that she's an amazing DD to help her parent's marriage.

Thanks every one for your help and support.

Thanks Melody I got the software and will wait for a chance to install it.

I have not been able to do much as we have been together all weekend with our DD. DD goes home tomorrow and WW has a business trip tomorrow. DD and I are going to talk after DD goes home.

DD IS awesome and will be a big help to me.

I will try to stay up late tonight after WW goes to bed so I can install the software on her phone before she goes out of town.

Strangely WW made some comments to DD that she is tired of traveling so much and she is talking with her Boss' Boss to change the travel situation. So we will see if that is lip service or what.

She has mentioned in the past that she is really tired of traveling.

I will keep posting updates.

Good. Make sure you get that spyware on there before she leaves because I have a feeling that is when she will be talking and/or texting to the OM.

Tellmywhy,

I just spent HOURS trying top put spyware on an iphone. Check my post under that in Operation Investigate.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2801874#Post2801874

The bottom line is that if her phone has operating system version 7.1.1 it appears there is no way to put spyware on it because it cannot be jailbroken. You have to jailbreak an iphone before you can load the spy software on it. The method some sites recommend for jailbreaking actually prevents you from jailbreaking.

Be sure to backup her phone in iTunes first so you can restore to original condition in case anything happens.

Plan to have at least several hours available in case you run into problems.

The only way I could think of to get around the 7.1.1 operating software would be to back up her iphone in iTunes (takes 20 minutes, is very easy). Buy another iphone. Restore the backup to your new phone. It makes your new phone an identical copy of what her phone was at the time.

You may also need her operating system Apple ID and password to accomplish this. (This is different from her screen locking password.)

If you also have an iphone, this is easy: backup your phone. write down the time/date of your backup. backup her phone. write down time/date of her backup. Restore her backup to your phone. Explore. When you are done, restore your backup back to your phone. You get to pick which backup you want to restore by time/date on a drop down menu.

Wow Sunnytimes that is some awesome information. I may try the backup thing. I am pretty sure one of her work iphone is not 7.1.1 so I may try that at least I can turn on the ambient microphone to hear anything else. If it is someone she works with they will still call her on her work phone. So I may be ok there. They will not text on the work phone the company monitors that. Thank for the info.