I have been married for almost four years, and my husband and I have one child together. He is not very affectionate, and we have had intimacy (well, sex) problems throughout our marriage. I'm not sure if it is a mismatch in sex drives or what, but he can go up to six months at a time without having sex, kissing me, nothing. When we are intimate, it makes me sad because I know that this could be it for months. I honestly cannot remember the last time we were intimate.

I have tried to be understanding and patient with him about the lack of sexual activities. We are both very young, so there are no health issues. I feel completely neglected and abandoned. If we have sex, I have to initiate it 99% of the time. I am starving for affection and to be wanted by my husband. It's gotten to the point where I have thought about having a purely sexual affair with someone or a divorce. I cannot spend my whole marriage having sex three times a year. Please help!

atakiss

So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Welcome to Marriage Builders. I have a few questions that will help me and others on the forum understand what is really going on.

How long did you date before getting married?
Did you live together before getting married?.. If you did for how long?
Is this your first marriage? .. If it is not what happened in you previous marriage(s)?
Is this his first marriage? .. If it is not what happened in his previous marriage(s)?
Do either of you have children from other relationships? .. If so how old are they and where do they live?

And last but most important question. Was he unaffectionate with you when you guys were not yet married? .. If he was then what else attracted you to him?

We dated about 18 months before getting married. We lived together for about six months before getting married. First marriage for both and our only child is together. He was affectionate the first 6 months, and it starting going away slowly. Our sex life stopped upon marriage. Seriously, we did not even have sex on our honeymoon.

I guess what origninally attracted me to him was that we had the most amazing onversations and we had a lot of chemistry. We still talk, but I have lost my desire for him slolwy due to constant rejection.

Does he use porn?

So that I'm clear in the first 6 months of date your sex life was passionate but went down hill from there and died on your wedding day?

I commiserate because this was my marriage before my H's A. He could easily go without for ages(this was before any infidelity). Looking back I'm fairly certain it was health issues, but when he brushed off that I wasn't confident enough to insist he see a doc.

Why are you so sure there are no health issues 'because you are young'? Young people have health issues all the time! Testosterone is the biggest fix of sex drives known to man, and while it cannot be given to women with a low sex drive (it makes them ravenous for sex but also has masculine side effects) it can certainly be given to men.

Lots of men have a low T count, or another complication that can make for a low sex drive. Or if a man is overweight, stressed or lethargic. Lots of conditions cause these things and they are all conditions which affect young people.



If it's not his health affecting his drive, it's sex elsewhere or porn use.

Dr H has also had success even with people whose drives are naturally low. A woman who has a low sex drive naturally often wants to have a lot of sex after going through this programme because she is in love and wants to be close to the point she wants lovemaking more. Incidentally my H always wanted more sex when the relationship was at its best.

How is the rest of your relationship? Do you spend at least 15 hours a week on dates/giving each other your undivided attention?

Does your relationship match up to the basic concepts on this site, such as no lovebusters etc?

Ataloss

I would like you to read this article on cohabitation and let us know if any of the same things are happening in you marriage?

This woman who wrote to Dr H experienced the same time scale - sex for some months initially then it all stopped.

He replied:

Does he look at porn?
Have you snooped to verify he isn't having other experiences outside your marriage, such as an affair?

Has he seen a doctor about possible low testosterone?

I'm saying there's no health problems because he refuses to address any of them. We've done the whole "low t" research, suggested counseling, and he refused to get his levels checked and to see a therapist.

I read what Dr. Harley wrote to that woman, and trust me, I have not tired my husband out. We used to have sex maybe three times a week, and since marriage it has dwindeled down to practically never.

Yes, he has looked at porn in the past. I caught him talking to women online, and it was a mess. He blew it off, I filed for divorce, we reconciled.

I am also pretty frustrated because my husband is my only sexual partner. I lost my virginity to him, and I've never been with anyone else. Obviously the marriage is in trouble anyway besides the lack of sex or I wouldn't have turned to an online forum for help. I'm at a loss of what to do. If we don't make it, I'm not getting married again.

Have you confirmed presently that he's not looking at porn or talking with OW?

What spyware do you have on his devices?

Then he's refusing to meet your needs, which is outlined in the 'When to call it quits' article.

However I think the reason he refuses is because he knows full well what is causing his dip in sex drive. If he has a history of looking at porn and using random online skanks for kicks, he'll know that for men this is the most efficient way to be satisfied.

It's also disastrous for his RL sex drive, but they don't consider that when their needs are being met.



If you had to go as far as filing for a D to get this problem addressed, I'd say he has a porn addiction. Your threat just made him take it underground, that's all.

He will not confess to this - addicts never do - so don't raise it with him!

Put spyware on his computers and get the goods. If he was talking to women online in the past he could be involved in an A, so you need to know what is going on in full.

There are many fantastic H's on this forum who have beaten porn addiction and now have wonderful relationships with their wives, so don't despair.

You need to know what is happening before you can apply a cure.

I would concentrate your efforts on verifying that there is no current porn use or an affair.

What kind of women was he talking to? Friends on Facebook? Has all contact ended?

He was talking to friends on facebook and also random porn women. I don't live in an at fault state, so I'm not going to do an extensive investigation. He was careless and got caught when he was on my phone. At this point, I am heavily leaning towards divorce. I'm not interested in couseling and being with someone who doesn't care about his wife or family. I think I will be posting in the divorce board because I've had. Honestly, if I stay married much longer I will be having sex with someone else, so it's time for me to go.

I think you have every right to make that call, but do investigate before you go Plan D.

Even no fault states take this stuff into account and you can't file for reasons of boredom, you'll need an actual reason and past infidelity which you forgave won't cut it. You'll also wonder and wonder and it's best you don't.

He'll also pile on the forgive me act when you confront him and ask for a divorce. This will be very different to the brush offs you've been getting recently and this is a man you love and whom you will want to believe. It's best to go into that conversation with facts he can't deny.

You should also tell the family and all friends what he has done, with proof. Don't let them think you are one of those people who skip out on their marriage for no good reason.

You will need their support. You still have a terrible blow to heal from.

Trust me, I chose personal recovery over marital recovery too. I am still deeply grateful that I snooped, exposed and named adultery as the cause in the papers.

I knew the whole story when I left and I made sure everyone else did too.

You realise you can get the goods in a few days, right?

A porn addict is at constant risk of getting caught, they misbehave daily and you can download spyware in a few minutes.

He sounds like a porn user to me. I would slap a keylogger on his computer and see what he is doing.

I'm curious. Let's say he doesn't have low T. And let's say he's not using porn or talking to another woman.

Often if a man comes on here complaining about lack of sex, it is said the woman is not in love and he needs to start meeting her needs, stop LBing, and have UA time. I'm wondering what other issues are going on in the marriage and if he's feeling disrespected.

I'm not ruling out porn use or having an affair. And I'm definitely not ruling out low T and possibly even a vitamin D deficiency.

Have you complained to him and let him know how you feel?