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I have thought a lot about this and if I was the Godly husband that I should have been, her affair would likely not have occurred.
So, in some regards, I do take some responsibility for her affair and subsequent downward spiral.
I know that she is responsible for her actions, but I am becoming increasingly of the opinion that all problems are a result of sin.
I have watched (or read) of how Justthe3ofus is working towards restoring his marriage; (his timeline is similar to mine);
I have also thought about the past, from the beginning of our relationship (very bizarre) to different times during the 10 year marriage.
I feel if I we would have followed the POJA, and met each others emotional needs we could of had a good marriage. The reason why I feel this way is because she consistently tried to do nice things for me during the 10 years (in our renter/ marriage relationship)
There is a kick: She does have a "electric fence personality" as Harley describes in his book BRF.
The affair started July 2011 and it's been more than 2 years since I discovered it and filed for divorce. My father says that there is too much water under the bridge to even consider having anything to do with her... It is not your dad's decision.
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Jedi, he just doesn't want to see you hurt, that's all. Don't worry about it, if she changes and it's real it'll be beyond obvious. My family adores my xh again.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I have thought a lot about this and if I was the Godly husband that I should have been, her affair would likely not have occurred.
So, in some regards, I do take some responsibility for her affair and subsequent downward spiral.
I know that she is responsible for her actions, but I am becoming increasingly of the opinion that all problems are a result of sin.
I have watched (or read) of how Justthe3ofus is working towards restoring his marriage; (his timeline is similar to mine);
I have also thought about the past, from the beginning of our relationship (very bizarre) to different times during the 10 year marriage.
I feel if I we would have followed the POJA, and met each others emotional needs we could of had a good marriage. The reason why I feel this way is because she consistently tried to do nice things for me during the 10 years (in our renter/ marriage relationship)
There is a kick: She does have a "electric fence personality" as Harley describes in his book BRF.
The affair started July 2011 and it's been more than 2 years since I discovered it and filed for divorce. My father says that there is too much water under the bridge to even consider having anything to do with her... Jedi, don't beat yourself up over this. Maybe, maybe not. As my situation spiraled downhill, I consciously tried to behave in all the ways a Christian should. My reactions became analytical (what is the "higher road" response; what response would best hold the home together), and even with a fairly consistent pattern on my part, the spiral continued. MB'ers have argued with me that I took it too far. I agree. I simply didn't know how to MB, but when i started setting boundaries per MB, the spiral destructed even faster. It simply was not meant to be. Sometimes things are like that. I truly feel that being a "better Christian" in any additional stereotypical way would not have impacted my marriage a single bit. I would also argue that the MB methods are being a "better Christian" than simply continuing to disrespect yourself by turning the other cheek. In my case, I feel this strongly validates the "unequally yoked" caution God issues, which is secularly described also under those 5 elements of compatibility I've seen referenced on this site also. I have not felt such a peace and tranquility in my life for decades as I have felt after my H left.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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I have not felt such a peace and tranquility in my life for decades as I have felt after my H left. And just for emphasis, I lost my job in February. As an exceedingly conservative person financially, I can't believe I'm not pulling my hair out right now. Prior to my H leaving, I would literally lie awake at night and struggle not to moan/groan with worry, knowing the job loss was coming at the same time my H was leaving for another home he had purchased. I didn't know how I could pay my bills. It is unreal that I feel so uplifted and happy right now, with not even a prospect for a job. A dear friend even remarked this morning about she has never seen my spirits so joyful.
Last edited by Sunnytimes; 04/10/14 11:44 AM.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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 I am so very happy for you!!!!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you, Melody.
You were instrumental in helping me get a better perspective. I really appreciate the time you spend slamming your head into a brick wall on my behalf. I finally got it, and then accepted it and started enforcing boundaries.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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It makes me so very sad that it took so long for you to get quality advice on this forum. What a crying shame that so much time was lost. BUT...............better late than never. And thank God you took action. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The advice back in the early 2000's when I was whistlewhileyouwork and when I came here in 2006 for my husband's anger problem is so much different than today.
Those older "hmmm....awww shucks" lines of advice didn't make any difference.
There is so much more purpose and clarity now. Many kudos and thanks to the MB veterans. You really made a huge difference in my life. The thankfulness that I feel almost brings me to tears.
(thank you Jedi for hosting our momentary thread jack. back to you.....)
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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What a wonderful thing to say, sunny. Thanks for making my day!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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:-)
I meant every word, Melody.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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I ran 8 miles today, while the kids visited ww ex in visitation...and truly enjoyed the beauty of God's creation in Spring on the trail.
We went to the zoo last week and saw beautiful colorful birds.
It is truly amazing what a great artist our Creator is.
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My kids and I ran a 5k and we all came home with awards!
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My kids and I ran a 5k and we all came home with awards! Excellent, Jedi! Bonding with your kids, encouraging a healthy lifestyle of exercise...again, they're fortunate to have a great dad. 
Taking some time off.
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My kids and I ran a 5k and we all came home with awards! Congrats!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Way to go! This is what it's all about, moving forward together.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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My kids and I ran a 5k and we all came home with awards! 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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A friend of mine spent the night at the house, passing through town.
He is a deputy sheriff and works one month nights, one month days (3/12 shift followed by 4/12 shift weekly).
I discussed briefly Dr. Harley's methods.
His wife (2nd marriage) is expecting in August, so I was thinking of mailing him His Needs Her Needs for Parents.
Any thoughts on that?
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Was he interested in MB? What about HNHN?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I explained the policy of UA time to him and he agreed it made sense.
he told me that he didnt want to mess up his second marriage.
I didnt discuss HNHN with him.
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I struggle with giving people books but I'm always tempted. On the one hand it's nice on the other it's preachy when people aren't keen. I think if he's really a bit worried and was seeking advice then it is a very nice gift.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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