You know a compliment or nice gesture every couple of months isnt going to affect your situation in any way right?

You have been doing the same things for the last 10 months that I've been on this board and still haven't realized that your plan does not work. Its like speaking to a brick wall with you. I would love to help you but you don't listen to anybody and sadly your condition is never going to change as long as you keep up this behavior.

Ya know, her behavior toward me factors into it. She ignores my texts and the ones that do need a response take forever to get one. She's plan b with me, more or less.

By the way, you don't know whether it will make a difference. My situation is not your situation.

PLAN A HAS 0, NADA, ZILCH, NIL EXPECTATIONS!

If she ignores your texts and reluctantly returns necessary texts, I would really back off. She is finding constant or semi-constant contact annoying and, us more than likely, having the opposite impact of what you're looking for.

I don't really think it's that. I don't text her, really, I have backed off about as much as I can. I only respond to her texts. I am going to write a post about what I think about all that soon, actually.

Alrighty, not that anyone has been waiting, but I have some time to post. Nothing new or different to report for the most part. I have been doing a LOT of thinking, more than usual maybe. Thinking about Plan A, how I might go about it, that sort of thing. I have been paying more attention to my thoughts, also. I realized that despite all that has happened, I still think of my xW all the time - she is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. I have thoughts about what we should be doing together rather than what is going on now. You might say it is 'unhealthy' or what have you, but I can't help it. I just find myself thinking those thoughts and I don't get upset or excited - they are just there because it's natural I guess. It is why I married her. I really can't say that I have feelings for her any more, but I do know that if she were to make a decision to restore our family, positive feelings would emerge from that dormancy.

So the past week I have really been indecisive about Mother's Day. it is an opportunity for Plan A stuff.. Do I get her flowers? a card? Do I do nothing? So this morning after much inner debate, I decided that doing nothing gets no positive results, and being too forward might have negative results, so I decided to send flowers to be delivered on Saturday at her job - anonymously. She'll know they are from me because they are her favorite. She may be apathetic or whatever, but she'll get a message and hopefully it will have some kind of positive effect on her. I am also going to make a custom card that our girls are going to color on Saturday to give her that evening. That's it, though.

Also, this afternoon she asked me if I could pick the girls up from preschool because she had late clients (She has been working a lot because she is not doing well financially. She will probably always have to work). I had to take the earlier train, but I did her the favor, like I always do. I picked the girls up, fed them dinner, and a little while later took them to the exchange place. After I agreed, her texts became more chatty - telling me why she asked me, where she was getting food for dinner, etc., and she thanked me quite profusely, even after she picked them up. Strange. She's usually very reticent and doesn't say anything.

So after I dropped the girls off, I ant into the store to get a couple things, and then to our storage unit (now mine since she cleared all her stuff out), and I decided to drive by the house. POSOM's car was in the driveway. I was not surprised in the least, but just driving past unleashed this flood of emotions. I was profoundly sad that I was not there with my family and this SOB was stealing my kids' childhood from me. However, I was not angry at her. I had no feel ins of anger except maybe a little bit toward him, but I think that is understandable. I sorted myself before I got out to the main road, actually, but it just kinda validated the feelings that I have always had about everything.

So Saturday she gets flowers, and the exchange with the girls that evening should be interesting to say the least.

You need to chose Plan A or Plan B.

If your going to send them, I would recommend you sign your name and not be anonymous.

No mention of the flowers. Interesting.

Did you sign your name?
If not, OM may have taken credit

No, but ya know what? I sent some to my mother also and did sign it but it didn't appear. So I don't know if it would have made a difference.

The flowers were one of her favorite kind. I asked my 5 yr old if mommy got any flowers and she said no, so she may have left them at work (where I had them delivered) so the POSOM wouldn't see them.

Plan A - HAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

I don't think there is such a thing with this woman. She texted me about our daughter's kindergarten - she is putting her in public school because I can't afford to help with private school tuition. She's all in with this divorce. She reiterated her belief that she did not "cheat" because we were "no longer together", which I guess sleeping in separate rooms while still married and going to counseling is woman speak for "no longer together".

Still blaming me for everything, still in denial about her part.

My ex wife is the same way.

After I posted the last comment, the text conversation continued for quite a while - probably more communication than we've had in the past year. Interesting.

Ah, spoke too soon. She brought up the POSOM a few times in this last text. He's the hero in this story - he convinced her not to call the cops when I caught them. He didn't convince her to leave me, he is the reason she has been tolerant of me in all of this because he went through the same thing with his ex wife, etc (seems to be epidemic here).

I also have apparently been spreading false information about our divorce, and I say negative/confusing things to our 5 year old (Apparently the truth is too negative and confusing for her - never mind that a man who is not her father is practically living in her house). I'm not sure who I've been spreading false info to since I don't talk to anyone.

Why all of this now, though? She taking the POSOM to the next level here? Trying to prepare me?

She may be upset about the Cheaterville exposure

She mentioned that, and that I'd be looking at a lawsuit because I can't just slander people like that. Except that it is true.

Over 100k people have seen it, and he knows about it, so maybe I'll just have it taken down by whomever posted it. It has served its purpose.

I am composing a post with the very long text exchange of today to get y'alls opinions on it. I'm really not sure what to make of it, and what to do.

Should I even post it? Nobody here knows who she is. I have to wonder if someone told her I was posting here.

If I do, I would like some women's opinions, especially if you have been in my xW's shoes - in the fog.

I would NOT remove the Cheaterville post.
Dont do something to please her boyfriend.
usually cheaters hate internet exposure and they ALL threaten lawsuits but you cant be sued for posting facts or opinions on the internet.

I would post it; however, many posters are limited in offering guidance because you refuse to follow Dr. Harley's plans; all advice offered is supposed to be based on Dr. Harley's methods.

As for exposure, Dr. Harley supports internet exposure sites such as Cheaterville

Here is the conversation. I may have kinda started it this time, but after not having any communication with her about anything for a very long time, I felt like I had to say something. I will comment on some things after. Her texts are in pink, mine I left black. Some info redacted for obvious reasons:

I have to have your address. I am registering (5 yr old) for school right now and it is required on the application.

They won't let me go any further in the process until I give it to them. They also will need her birth certificate which we never got. So we will have to get that form signed and notorized before ican send it in

What school?

(school name)

No private school?

I can't afford it on my own and you wouldn't commit to helping

I can't

If I weren't paying $15,000 a year in rent and utilities it would be a different story.

Then she'll go to public

You're going all in with this, aren't you? When will you start thinking about your children instead of just yourself? You have no idea what you are doing.

Well I have way more expenses than that. There's no way i can afford it on my own. Your child support doesn't even cover half of their daycare for the month right now. Barely gettin by...and I will still have (2yr old�s) daycare and after school care for (5 yr old) next year so not much will change there.

Who doesn't think of their children? I've worked my [censored] off to send them to a Christian daycare without a cent of help from you until recently, and that is only because it was forced on you. You think you are hurting me but you are really only hurting them. So don't even go there.

Your perceptions are extremely skewed, but as long as they make you feel better about everything you've done.

Everything I've done????? Still placing blame on everyone but yourself like always.

Oh no, I've screwed up plenty. But I didn't cheat and I did not choose to break our family apart. That's all on you.

I wonder what you know about common core and what it will do to (5 yr old).

You think you know everything but you don't. I gave you ten years and tried everything I could and you didn't do anything. You waited until it's too late and how is that my fault? It doesn't matter anyway, if it were meant to be it would've worked out and it didn't. There was nothing right or normal about our marriage. We are two very different people. I told you I wanted a divorce and didn't even start seeing Jeff until about a year later...we were no longer together. I don't see how that is cheating but I guess that makes you feel better to be able to manipulate everyone into believing that you were the victim.

I have spoken to plenty of teachers about common core. It's less confusing for kids beginning school in kindergarten. I'm not thrilled about it but I don't have any other options now do I?

We were still married. It's cheating.

Sleeping in the other room is not "no longer together".

Teachers don't know what it is. The ones who do are vehemently against it.

And regarding our marriage... I know a lot more about things now. I did not "wait until it was too late" because I was going on the information I had at the time.

Matt 5:27-40. Is porn not lustful intent/committing adultery? You forget the videos and pictures I found that you saved. Funny you never factor any of these things. And we (POSOM) were only acquaintances at that point so again, you think you know everything, but don't. Anyway, I'm done beating the dead horse already. Unless you feel you can contribute consistently to your child's education she will be going to public school. For now, I have left you off of the application since you seem to have an issue with providing your address. As I said, I cannot submit it with you listed as her father unless I have an accurate address for you. You will be unable to pick her up from school at any time until you decide to provide this information.

Oh okay. That justifies everything. Why do you think you felt like we were acquaintances? You never wanted to know why?

Here's a hint: men have needs too, and not just sexual.

But you never cared about my needs even after I told you what I needed from you.

I don't mean us. I meant (POSOM) and I were acquaintances

You were already in an emotional affair

The moment you gave him your number.

No I was not.

I didn't want to be in any relationship

You should have been talking to me. Not your mother, not your sister, not your friends, not another man. Me.

I tried. You can't say that i didn't.

You didn't value my communication

No, you did. And I was never under the impression that we had "marriage ending" problems.

I didn't understand your communication. You also can't make demands of people and expect to get positive results.

It's unfortunate you were oblivious and thick headed but ultimately we just weren't a good match.

We have two daughters.

I gave you plenty of communication. After (5 yr old) was born I started sleeping in the guest bedroom and told you how serious it was

Look, I said that I understand a lot more about what happened.

I've done a LOT of reading about stuff I had no idea about.

Stuff that should be mandatory, frankly

For days...you told me that wouldn't help and to come back to our bedroom so I did. Still...no changes...didn't even attempt.

I'm at fault for a lot of things. You are too.

There is a really good reason for the dysfunction we had.

It's not even just that. Since we've been apart I've realized so many more things. How you've reacted to all of this has also proven to me that I made the right decision. I have been at peace with this since I made it. And don't think I didn't pray about it first. I did for years. I understand you're bitter, angry, and hurt and that is why you've done some of the things you have. I hope in time you will heal and also find peace and happiness if you haven't already. The girls need their father to be a positive influence in their lives. I'm thankful they enjoy spending time with you and seem to be happy when they do.

I don't think you made the right decision, honestly. And not because I was angry or bitter or any of that. What you did was cruel. There is much to the big picture that I have figured out since.

It has to do with my family, particularly my mother.

So you're blaming your mom now?

Partly

Not so much blaming but understanding

But what you replied shows me that you still can't converse like an adult

I'm just used to you acting like an angry 13 year old so I felt I needed to get my point across in that manner. That's what it sounded like to me. You've always blamed your boss for the reason you lost your job, or me for our marriage ending, or frank or my dad for the advice they gave you, and so on...

You chose to end our marriage. Blame is a word you use a lot. I had every reason to be upset.

You. Do. Not. Talk. How many times did I ask you what was wrong? You stared and said nothing.

"You just need to $%&# me more and everything will be fine."

That was your solution to everything.

When I tried to tell you that I felt worthless because of how you treated me - that was my problem, not yours.

I did not feel wanted, appreciated, loved...since day one of our marriage. We never even had a newlywed period. I knew it wasn't right three months into it but I lived thousands of miles from family and felt stuck...in addition to being raised where divorce wasn't an option. At that point I didn't feel you were cheating on me in one form or another so I resolved myself to the fact I was stuck. Thought things would get better once we got our own place and you got a job, but no. If I would've felt like you cared and treated me how you did when we were dating and were anything close to how you had portrayed yourself in the beginning I wouldn't have started to get hurt or resentful. Yet I still tried in every way I could to make it better. You don't think you were angry and depressed with everything in your life for whatever reason? Do you know what it's like being in a negative environment constantly?? Then add emotional abuse and rejection on top of it. Resentment builds automatically. Doesn't exactly provide for a happy loving environment. I had all the rejection I could take. Those scars will always be there. For every action (or lack thereof) there is a reaction that will occur. I tried to explain that to you over and over again and you just kept giving me multiple excuses for why you couldn't do anything about it. We were dysfunctional in about every way possible. I don't blame anyone, just that we weren't as compatible as we thought.

Don't think we should bother with continuing this conversation. We clearly have different opinions and perspectives and that's ok. Our focus needs to be on the girls not on where we both went wrong. The past is done and now we just need to make the future as positive as we can for them.

Actually I agree with you. The single biggest mistake I made was having us staying with my parents. The guy I was then was the result of the dynamic between my mother and I.

If we stayed in Virginia things would have been completely different

And I don't think that it is impossible to reconcile. Laugh all you want. :-|

I disagree. The fact that you haven't supported your children financially through all this, the confusing/negative things you still say to (5 yr old) that you should keep to yourself, the fact that you feel the need to share all kinds of false things about our divorce etc to anyone who will listen, the things you posted about Jeff on that ridiculous website (which if you don't take down by the way, you will be facing a law suit...you cannot publicly wrongfully defame someone's character) are all just some of the things that prove to me your lack of good character and for that I couldn't even begin to think about spending the rest of my life with you. FYI- (POSOM) is the only reason I didn't call the cops on you that night you came crawling through the window. He told me not to. You would've ended up in jail most likely and that would've looked really good on your record wouldn't it? He's been in your shoes, it took him 5 years to get over his marriage after their divorce. He didn't convince me to leave you so you can stop blaming him for that. He has only made me have more tolerance and understanding for the way you've acted since we've been separated.

How am I supposed to support them AND myself? Live in my truck?

A real man would do whatever it takes to make sure his kids are taken care of. Not leave it up to their mom to make sure they have food on the table and a place to live. You haven't provided for them since they were born pretty much. Why would I expect you to be willing to do it now. God help them if anything ever happens to me.

My parents have felt obligated to take care of what is partially your responsibility. They are senior citizens pretty much that don't have a retirement or anything and are constantly trying to give me money for food/clothing for the kids.

I cannot create money from thin air.

If you want to have these conversations again, I would be glad to. In front of a counselor.

You have this image of me that has been wrong from July 6, 2006 + 3 months

The crappy job I had 2 summers ago? I gave you every cent I made.

Every penny

So don't accuse me of being a deadbeat

You listen to other people and believe them while never believing a word I say. Like it has always been

No thanks. I don't need a counselor to tell me that you are lazy, selfish, and not willing to take any personal responsibility. I figured that out after the first couple of years we were together. Just glad I'm not directly affected by it anymore. The kids have had to eat since that crappy job 2 summers ago. That was what 5 months out of how many years? The only way I made it was because I wasn't paying the mortgage and by God's grace. Why would I listen to you, everything that came out of your mouth was manipulating and negative BS. Honestly not much has changed from what I see and I'm not the only one that has realized this.

_________

Okay, there it is. I come off as a bit condescending because I feel like I am defending myself every time we talk about anything. I hate when I come off this way, but read through and it seems that she does not care what I am saying. There is no back-and-forth, just hurling insults and anger(?) from her.

Regarding the porn comment: I have never been a fan of porn. It is contrived and fake. Have I watched it? Sure, almost everyone has at some point. What she refers to is about 5 or 6 pictures that a friend had emailed me - he used to email and forward this stupid stuff all the time and I finally asked him to stop, which he did. But for whatever reason, and I can't even remember, I saved a few of them and forgot about them in some folder on our computer. This is really personal, but I had another time taken a picture of um... myself... on a Saturday while she was a work. I was going to email it to her and get her excited to come home, to put it clinically. It was something I did that I thought would add some spice and improve our situation, ya know? But then I got to thinking "What if she has one of the girls in her office and she opens it, and the both of them see it?" So I bailed on the idea. Apparently I left it on our computer (again, I had forgotten it was even there). She blew a gasket and nothing I said was going to change whatever she thought.

Any questions, just ask. Be honest, I can take it.