What do you suggest I do if I have no people to expose the OW to?

My suggestion is to make certain you have a full list of exposure targets for the OW.

How? I've been googling all of her relatives and there is NOTHING

Does anyone else have any ideas? I was certain with the list of 6 possible relatives from her background check I'd get something but now I have nothing. She isn't on facebook and neither are her possible relatives.

Where do the relatives live? You could also ask the PI to get you contact information. Are you sure she has removed her facebook page? She could just have you blocked.

Keep looking for her and her relatives on facebook. It is too odd that none of them are on facebook.

I've entered all 6 of their names and none come up. Yes she has removed her facebook page. I had a friend check. WH told her to because before coming to you for guidance I opened my mouth about some stuff I saw on there.
Background on OW doesn't have relatives address- just their names, birthdates, and ages.

That will be a nice little project for your PI.

Ok, I found 3 relatives on Fb- sheesh. I was entering their middle names and such and it wasn't coming up. One is her 26 year old little sister who's profile is the most private- unable to view comments on her wall or pictures, etc. and the other is her dad which she seems estranged from because she's never commented on his stuff. (not sure if her "like" or comment would come up if she's closed down her page?)
The third person just joined FB in February- not sure if she's close to her or not.
So those are the three. Even if I don't know if they are close, etc. I should still expose to them right?

I would pore over the father and 3 rd persons contact list and add any relatives to your exposure list. Go over their relatives contact lists too. Gather as many names as you can.

Just to confirm- when I am ready to expose, do I tell my WS that I "know" or anything like that? I understand not to tell him that I'll be exposing but do I tell him I know what's been going on? Thank you.

Any other insight would be greatly appreciated.

He's only been concentrating on gaslighting YOU with this separation stuff he hasn't been gaslighting anyone else. To everyone else this is fresh and extremely shocking news. He has just shrugged off his family for a woman who crawls into bed with a married man.

One thing I've learned about exposure is you just have to trust in people's common sense and morality. No one with common sense is going to believe a new relationship has emerged in the midst of what should be a heartbroken separation in just a week. No one with any morality will believe that is OK even if it were true. The vast majority of people have both common sense and morality.

Yes, there may be some people without any moral compass at all among your exposure targets. Great news! The people who are enemies to the morality of your marriage, who may even have been egging on your H to follow his heart have now helpfully identitified themselves. They will now be excluded from your recovery.

Besides all of which, he chose to keep it secret because he is ashamed of what he is doing. This shame will now be felt acutely now regardless of others' reactions.

It is normal for exposure to feel very scary when doing it. My hands shook when I sent out the messages but I overrode those feelings with logic. Once it is done you will feel enormously empowered.

He planned on working you like a puppet through all of this hell. Making you work harder, making you his secret keeper, making your heart, your strength and your hope break. You will blow that heartless plan to smithereens and regain control of your destiny with exposure.

Everyone else will be telling him that you know!

This is the beauty of exposure because a wayward's mind is just one inch across. The person they fear finding out is the BS and they don't have enough mental capacity to even consider what they would say and do if other people were to find out.

They've usually rehearsed some speeches for when the BS finds out; nice, cruel gaslighting type scripts. They've never rehearsed speeches for anyone else.

When the exposure bomb lands, they usually want to speak to their spouse IMMEDIATELY. This is so they can deliver their blame scripts and gaslighting and so get back 'on plan'. However the BS isn't even interested in being gaaslighted - she hasn't even bothered telling him she knows. All the while his phone is being blown up by an angry mistress and by people for whom he has no ready made answers. He might try to adapt some of his scripts as excuses, but it will be unrehearsed, and most importantly of all, untrue - so he will make a fool of himself.

Waywards never tell people about the A, and they never expect people to find out. Almost all of them have the staggering cheek to expect that their BS will keep the secret for them. This is because they don't have the mental capacity to look oputside their own wants while in the A. They are so doped up with wish fulfilment and fantasty, that everything they expect is woefully unrealistic.

If they were clever, thye'd be dangerous. Luckily they are not.

Don't be afraid

I agree with ML that you must have misunderstood Steve. I'm certain that Steve's plan for you involves getting him out of that job somehow as it is a ticking time bomb. There's no way you can recover if travel continues, or if contact with OW continues. It's an addiction so if contact continues, the A continues.

Even if there is no recovery you don't want her as your children's stepmother or for his paycheck to be shared out amongst an old family and a new one. Not to mention the chances of his getting fired if he stays.

Half of nothing is nothing.

If Steve has told you not to expose straight away I'd say it's only because he thinks his leaving the job can be handled more easily if he does it himself on your insistence. As ML says, it's only a matter of time before he is discovered anyway (especially if it is a small world) and then he will be fired. From your description he then won't be able to get work anywhere. If you make him hand his notice in, he will still have good job prospects even if he does not have work for a while.

If following your insistence he's determined to hold on to the job, then essentially he is determined to be found out and fired. So you would have nothing to lose by exposing him at that point. At least you'd have control over who knew in the workplace. The bosses may even be grateful to you for the alarm bell and it has been known for them to agree to transfers rather than to sack people.

Also, just think how your 30 day threat would be received by the APs. She will be informed that she is now in a relationship with a man who will soon have no job prospects. That she faces humiliation in the workplace similar to what she has just experienced with her family. She realises that she will have to support him, while also fearing for her own career. They've also got this sick business mentor/mentee thing at the heart of their relationship - a daydream which your ultimatum will crush.

There's also a nice little trouble causing message in your ultimatum. It will send her into a spiral of "what about the money! I don't want to support a hobo!" While you, a wife who committed for better or worse, is sending the message you are more interested in the marriage than money and will ride out short term hardships with him.

Regardless of their personal plan, they'll both start job hunting for separate workplaces which is what you want to happen as soon as possible.

Expose the affair while he is in the air. He will hear about it on his way home. When he walks in the door, tell him "I know everything." He will probably blow up at you for exposure and say all the normal wayward things "I can't believe you did this!" "I was going to give you another chance and now I'm not!" blah, blah, blah, blah. Just repeat that you are sure sorry he is upset.

Then you offer him a plan. Tell him you will give him a chance to recover the marriage if he ends his affair immediately. You will give him 30 days to quit his job and find a non-traveling job, however, he will need to find a way to avoid traveling without you and he will have to avoid being around the OW for those 30 days. If he will do that, then you will work with him, via Steve Harley, on marriage recovery.

Also, don't let on how much you exactly know. For example, don't tell him what you told us here - "he was only there once and after he said he was separating." Just tell him you have had him followed for some time and you know what is going on. Your sources are your business only and you won't share it.

A good practice is to first post the OW on the website www.cheaterville.com and www.playerblock.com ; provide some sort of proof if you have some, and include a link to the Playerblock post in your exposure to OW friends and families.
Tell your story, dont make be anonymous, just be honest.

Yes that's very important. If he tries to find out how much you know, just say 'I know' or 'I know everything'. If he presses you to reveal the details of your intel, say 'You know very well what you have been doing so don't expect me to read it back to you. All you need to know is that I expect you to tell me the full truth voluntarily. If you tell lies, I'll know'

SFL.
Single OW scare me because they think they have nothing to lose in breaking up someone else's family for their own benefit. They are under the delusion that they will get a ready made family and everyone will adjust and be HAPPY.

She sounds quite desperate and predatory in her texts. The longer you put off exposing her the greater the chances that she will get pregnant and be a toxic person in your life for the next 19 years.


Don't let some OW break up your family and steal your husband, kids, and money.


It doesn't matter that you only found out a week ago. The important thing is that you found out and have proof of an affair NOW.

We all know how scary exposure can be. I used to draw my own strength to fight the affair by thinking about having to share my kids with a POSOW. It is war when a third person assaults your family behind your back.


EXPOSE. Be prepared for anger and more gaslighting. Expect it. It means you hit their moral compass.

The PI's description of this relationship and the texts keep making me think of a first person article I read written by an anonymous OW in a magazine a few years ago. I knew it was true because it mirrors everything we see here every day. I think this OW and the one I read about are pretty similar creatures.

She wrote she was one of those girls not too successful in the dating world, more career focused. Flattered beyond belief with a few smiles from the successful and happily married man in the office. She was this desperate for attention. Well she was so flattered and he was flattered that she was flattered and they went on trips and lived like married people when together. Very close and romantic during those trips. So she started to feel more powerful, got demanding and insisted he get a D. Which he didn't do - too scared - but he hedgingly suggested a separation.

The A was unexposed though his wife found out the true cause of the separation and went Plan D. The OW wrote she was very scared of her dad knowing and she told him her new boyfriend was separated. Her dad still wasn't thrilled. Predictably the A ended exactly 2years after the separation as it usually does and the WH told the OW on his way out he was truly sorry he had ever left home.

The OW finished her article by saying "I lost my best childbearing years and destroyed a family. I know some affairs lead to people getting married and living happily ever after but it is not always true". In fact it isn't true at all outside of Hollywood movies. 95pc end in two years, the rest are miserable. The silly creature got suckered in by some cultural myth and destroyed lives in the process.

These single OW ARE dangerous, but their weakness is easy to hit - expose and bust up their Hollywood myth as the disgusting selfishness fest it truly is.