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Originally Posted by irresolute
I think the moral that gets missed in these type of things is that every scenario is different, the people involved are different. While i have read much of what has been discussed in this forum. I found that personal insight has as much to do with healing as any regurgitated check list. While I agree much of what is being heralded as the necessary steps in recovery cannot simply be plugged into every possible scenario.

I understand what you are saying but unfortunately, you are wrong. YES, you CAN plug your situation into Dr. Harley's program and it WILL work for you.

That is the beauty of the system. If you both follow the program it will work for you 100%. I am living proof.

Maybe you might consider listening to the radio broadcast? There is a phone app that allows you to listen to similar stories as yours every day!


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irresolute doesn't understand the addictive nature of affairs.

Sometimes even a simple text message years later can reignite an affair once thought dead. And his wife works with this man and will see him regularly.

Tolerating that is like playing Russian Roullete. Six times. With one gun. And he is the only player.

If you're confident that your safe, your marriage is fully recovered, and your recover will last a lifetime, then what is your purpose in posting here?

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Originally Posted by irresolute
I guess I'll be doing this on my own. I just can't see why in all cases airing the dirty laundry for all to see is a good place to start. Sorry to have bothered anyone here, good luck

You are like the fat guy who lectures skinny people on how to diet. The problem with your personal philosophies is that you don't know how to recover a marriage from an affair. You are just guessing. Its fine to "think for yourself" when you know what you are doing, but you don't. Unfortunately, your "guesses" amount to nothing more than enabling. And you can't save a marriage when you are an enabler.

I wish you the best.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by irresolute
I guess I'll be doing this on my own. I just can't see why in all cases airing the dirty laundry for all to see is a good place to start. Sorry to have bothered anyone here, good luck

You are like the fat guy who lectures skinny people on how to diet. The problem with your personal philosophies is that you don't know how to recover a marriage from an affair. You are just guessing. Its fine to "think for yourself" when you know what you are doing, but you don't. Unfortunately, your "guesses" amount to nothing more than enabling. And you can't save a marriage when you are an enabler.

I wish you the best.

Depends on what you consider a "saved" marriage. I'm pretty sure he will do this on his own and convince himself that he saved his marriage. That marriage skull be devoid of of his and his wife's Emotional needs being unmet and lead to a empty facade. Or he can follow the advice here and have a happy marriage full of passion and love.

This guy doesn't know the true extent of his wife's infidelity and I am sure he will be back regretting not following the advice given. People (WS/BS) think a marriage at all costs is the only way to fix their situation when in reality that isn't logical. I'm 100% sure he is a "marriage at all costs" person who will fail at his pursuit I marital purity. Like ML said good luck and I hope you come back.

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If I had $1 for every time I've seen a BS say "I wish I'd taken their advice" on this board, in my short five years or so on the boards...


I would be rich.


He'll be back, I'll say within 2 years maybe.

Last edited by karmasrose; 12/16/13 07:37 PM. Reason: Wow, I've been here five years?

One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Is there a thread for collecting the "I Wish I had Listened Back Then" stories?


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Originally Posted by catwhit
Is there a thread for collecting the "I Wish I had Listened Back Then" stories?

I don't think there is but I really wish we can make one, it would save a lot of heartache and debate with the "my situation is special" newbies

Last edited by NB28; 12/16/13 07:56 PM.

BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Or the "it would destroy him/her" and the "I don't want to air our business" people.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Irresolute,

After reviewing all the emails it was pretty clear this had just started and they hadn't had any intimate contact other than some "cuddling" in a hotel room while traveling together on business.

I know you are stunned by all this, but can you really believe two adults wildly attracted to each other can stop at cudding in a hotel room far from home?

God Bless
Gamma

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Didn't you read where he said he's different because he can think for himself? So what was the point of this thread aside from the OP to high five himself and insult the rest of us?


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Unfortunately I think the thread was a way for the OP to settle that unsettled feeling most folks have when embarking on a false recovery.

It's always fairly apparent that they are not truly OK with the shakiness of the situation - but they do desperately want it to be OK. Even if he had convinced us, he still wouldn't entirely convince himself - or change the physics of the situation.

Like an untrained trapeze artist who chooses to go without a net they want applause instead of shouts of 'Hey, just use the floor to cross the room'. But cheers won't get you across.


Last edited by indiegirl; 12/17/13 09:02 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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7 months have past and while I am sure this will be perceived by a few as gloating it is not...

I found out Oct 26th 2013, it was a miserable existence. I decide the week before to quit smoking and I wasn't looking back on that decision, so I was a wreck. I went several weeks without any emotional realization from my wife. The it happened, she was distraught and nearly inconsolable. It finally hit her, what she had done and how it effected everything important to her. (This is the cliff notes version so bare with me...) She decided early on to end it but did so with regret, the kind only an addict faces. I understood and recognized it because I was an addict as well, although to just cigarettes and I had been without for a couple weeks. 3 weeks in I caught her in the act of going to see him at their work on a saturday. Tracking an iphone is easy with anyone's icloud pw. I called her and asked what she was doing and where she was going, she lied and lied again. I knew she was lying and i knew I could prove it. She did turn the car around that day and that was the defining moment when it all hit her. She wasn't in love with this guy, she was literally addicted to the attention, the excitement that someone else thought she was great. My attentions hardly ever wavered for the the entire time we were married but like so many other couples it gets too familiar and expected vs. appreciated. I call it getting complacent, i think we both did. We became happy roommates with joint accounts and joint responsibilities. We had sex occasionally (2-3/month) and everything seemed fine.

Lets fast forward to the past few months... She found another job, higher paying, bigger company, brighter future. She wrote an email that even to my eyes seemed harsh to this man. Sure he was one of the religious frauds i disdain so much, christian high school, christian college even christian post grad, most of his facebook friends were pastors, youth ministers and such. He was the poster child for the Christian family man. His marriage had developed into something weak and essentially loveless. He was looking for an outlet, he found one in my wife, who at the time thought her marriage just wasn't what she had signed up for. They had never did have sex, they did go out a few times and traveled overnight on business once and they did spend the night in the same bed, but I read an email to my wife from him that made it clear they didn't have sex and how hard that was. Was that a relief? Not really, the damage had been done, I had read all the letters, the I love you's, the I miss you's...
Back to the letter, she told him, she regretted every second of minute of everyday she was involved with him. She never thought she was capable of such a huge mistake and personal failure. She told him to never contact her again, she would be doing her exit survey with the owner of the company and any HR stuff that he needed to complete would be all via email. She is a relatively private person so she didn't want to bring any of this up during her exit to anyone else, she was embarrassed by it and just wanted to leave and not look back. She asked me if I wanted to read it, I did. I thought wow that was harsh. I am not this man's judge, Hell I think he has good taste, I almost felt bad for him. But I had been put through my personal Hell, those weeks and months were easily the worst of my life. I am on the other side of it now and while my writing style is still all over the map and hard to following the point I am trying to make is that the event while traumatic and hopefully never repeated again, was what made our marriage stronger exponentially. We fell in love all over again. We have sex nearly everyday and it's fantastic. Something we both look forward to all day. I think it's one of the things that brought us back together. Biological, chemistry stuff all over my head but it was clear that the consistent sex was healing things with both of us. I still have remnants of the betrayal in my mind but I am fine. It gets better every month. I am not checking her whereabouts as often or her emails. It was clear to me that it is over. I was pretty diligent for months without her knowledge. I have since told her the lengths in which I went to insure she wasn't lying, I was afraid I was going to hinder our progress but she responded more pleased that i knew everything and there was nothing to know. It further healed us both. She didn't feel the need to walk on egg shells and I no longer felt the need to trace her every steps, electronic or physical. I feel lucky to have had such a second chance, moreover a reset in our relationship, our marriage. It was in fact like hard factory reset on everything. We're more happily married now than maybe ever before. I see her commitment to me everyday and she certainly has seen mine. We got through it, although neither of us will probably ever forget it. we don't talk about it much anymore, we focused on moving forward and happy with where we both are.

So no not all A's are the same, or at least not all the people in them are. I am not better than anyone here, nor smarter. I just wanted people to know that if you're willing to put aside your pride, maybe your anger, If you can metaphorically roll over and show your hurt but still committed to licking your wounds and fixing it. It will take a strong person, a strong couple, but it is possible to recover, regardless of how you get there. Everybody is different. I hope someone out there gets some solace in this. giving up is easy, but a miserable way to go through life. Don't do it until you crossed that line, which may be different for everybody. I was willing to endure a great amount of personal pain through this and I am maybe the lucky fortunate few but it was all so much worth it.

I am a changed man since this all happened. I was miserable so I decide to continue to quit smoking since misery was already established. I was also afraid to gain weight during the trials of my relationship and the smoking cessation. So I started eating right, exercised everyday and lost 65 pounds since Nov 1st. This terrible thing ended up strengthening my marriage and transitioned me from a life long fat guy to someone who can't wait to get into my 34x34 pants ever morning.

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What EPs are in place? Do they work together? Honestly, your affair sounds just like all the others. Did you get the full truth via a polygraph or you took her word it wasn't "physical"? Even though you chased this weasel away your wife is still primed for another affair if her boundaries and EPs are non-existent. Was her affair exposed to everyone including the work place HR, CEO, VP etc? Good luck in your recovery.

Last edited by TranquilDark; 05/20/14 06:51 PM.
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TD is right - this was a cookie-cutter affair. You don't really have anything to gloat about. Your progress is pretty typical for 8 months out. You still have a minimum of 16 months of recovery left to do. I hope you are following the MB plan, because the greater part of the journey is still ahead of you.


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DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I guess I'll continued to miss the point and that's probably my fault. I am a terrible writer. This forum is pretty specific in it's philosophy. I was just trying to point out that while I used some information here to some degree, I never fully ascribed to the plan. Humiliating my wife for a mistake however big wasn't my style. Am I taking a risk? Sure em. I was just trying to give some hope to others that may be going through the same thing. It can be overcome. I know were not done and complete again but I know where we are and the direction we're heading.

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Quote
Humiliating my wife for a mistake however big wasn't my style.
It's not ours, either.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by irresolute
Am I taking a risk? Sure em. I was just trying to give some hope to others that may be going through the same thing.

So basically you are trying to encourage people to take a huge risk? Is there a reason we should let that stand without replying and trying to encourage people NOT to take that risk?

Here's what Dr. Harley says about recovery from an affair:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works.

Dr. Harley has found that even small deviations from the plan are usually disastrous - we here have also all seen the same thing. So of course when someone comes in with an agenda of encouraging people to deviate from the plan, the rest of us chime in to let all the silent readers here know that this is a good way to invite disaster.

You don't have to agree with Dr. Harley that small deviations from the plan are usually disastrous. But the rest of us do, and this board is a place for discussing and learning Dr. Harley's recommendations. So if your purpose is to post your own contrary opinion, then you are in the wrong place. Kind of like accidentally stepping into the wrong restroom before realizing the sign on the door said something else, excusing yourself, and going off to the right place. No worries, but don't stand around debating with everybody to let them know why you actually should be in there, doing what you are doing.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It sounds like your wife did a great job of cutting off contact with the guy, and if I'm understanding correctly she is no longer in a job where she will see him. That is perfect. I hope you guys have a great recovery.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,

Thanks for reading the actual words instead of skimming through it and choosing to pick up on what I may or may not have meant. I appreciate the encouragement. In all honesty that's all I was looking for. I don't have really anyone I am comfortable discussing this personally. I did it once with a friend of mine going through his own marriage struggles. It was 3 hours of release and was great for both of us the week following my discovery.

His wife filed for divorce then pulled the plug, they are still together to this day. I am not comfortable around her as I know some things he doesn't and I am happy to see him happy for now. He's 70 years old with an ailing heart married to a younger women. She got some sex out of her unadvertised affair but stayed with him for what I hope are honorable reasons.

Sex is a powerful thing and while I maintain my wife never had sex with the other man, I'll never be fully certain, but at this point it doesn't truly matter to me. My heart was broken as far as it could be. She has done so much to mend it since then, it's clear to me she wishes she could have a "do over" I am satisfied she'd never do it again. Although I am absolutely certain this event in our lives will ultimately shape our marriage into something so much more. Falling in love all over again for both of us has been magnificent. I have made some changes and so has she, we not only love each other I know we like each more now than ever.

Still not gloating... Just sharing.

The following is not directed at any of the rational people here...

As someone new to this site I never called anyone wrong. I simply put into words what was going on. I didn't do it to promote any program or for the amusement of anyone here. I am pretty sure what I was doing was doing it for myself as a kind of release, just spitting out and writing it down somewhere. I read all of the feedback and I reserve the right to agree with as much as I disagree with. But the negativity here and the consistent pessimism isn't helping those you think might need help. I got what I needed from this forum and I am glad I posted here as opposed to others I considered. The gang mentality exhibited here is a little weird and offered me some levity in an otherwise serious situation. So go ahead and beat me up, tell me I am wrong for the 40th time. I kinda like it. So far what I've done has been successful to this point. I'll continue to update our status, unless of course I am banned for not falling in lock step with the mob.

For those of you who showed me some compassion and understanding...

Thank you so much, a little encouragement is all I really needed. I still have some hard times but they are far fewer and less intense. I am handling it, probably wrongfully so on my own. I do discuss it with my wife most of the time, but not all of the time. I am working on myself and for her part she has beaten herself up enough. It doesn't make me feel better to hit her with that metaphoric stick any more. I love her and I always will. I don't treat people I love that way.


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Do you really believe that your wife slept in the same bed with OM and had no sex?

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