Here's my story - Married 5 years, together 10 years, 2 year old daughter. In January my husband started acting "off", prior to that we had a great marriage and all seemed happy and well. He has a high stress job and travels a lot, so at first I thought his distance was job stress related. After 4 weeks of this I told him I was worried about us. (I picked up on his changes SO quick). He surprisingly agreed and then said the whole "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you" line. I was shocked. He agreed to couples counseling, who encouraged date nights, etc. After our first date night after counseling, he admitted he was having an affair with a co-worker, which started in late-December, and now he had feelings for her. He also admitted to cheating on me with two other women, the first being two years prior, but with no feelings attached, only a few times each I guess. At the next session, the counselor said it was pointless if he was still seeing her, and so he said ok it's pointless because "I don't think I can stop seeing her". At this point he was staying with her each night, but was saying he was staying at a friends. Meanwhile, I am still saying I want to work on our marriage, etc.

Fast forward to Mid-March, he calls me from a hospital, where he has checked himself in for thinking of hurting himself and for self medicating with old pain meds we had in the cabinet from my c-section. He also had started having dreams of being in combat, although he was in Iraq 10 years ago and never had any PTSD until now. They sent him to a mental facility where he was held on suicide watch for 5 days as a result of "relationship and work stress". He informed the OW (who is not married btw) he was there, but only allowed me to come visit him each night during visiting hours and he asked me to appear at his hearing to be released. The following week he stayed home each night, I thought maybe the mental hospital was a wake up call and he was ending it. We then attended a family wedding out of town and things were good. He took off work 5 weeks (totally unlike him as he is a work-aholic for a large company). He started IC then, and his counselor has said she believes he is a "sex addict". He is now on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. If you told me my completely responsible, strong husband would be on medicine like this a year ago I would have said you are CRAZY!

Currently, he does not stay at home at night, but picks up our daughter from daycare, goes home, we eat dinner, put the baby to bed and then he leaves for the OW's house (when he is in town) with an overnight bag. He spends weekend days at our house to be with our daughter, although ends up sleeping half the time on the couch. I act kind, warm, and loving towards him. I continue to live my life, make plans for our family and if he is there, great, if not, fine.

He says he can't fix us until he fixes himself. He also says he may have forever tainted our marriage by what he has done and he may never be able to forgive himself and in that case the marriage is over. He says he loves me but can't keep doing this to me. He also says those feelings have nothing to do with what is going on with the OW. (???)

His Mom and sister know, as well two of my close friends and their spouses. And his best friend, who is the biggest family man I know, who punched him at the end of the family wedding for doing this to me (luckily the wedding was over and no one saw! Ah my so normal and boring life has become a tv show).

I have been doing Plan A, is it time for B? Emotionally, I'm fine, I can handle Plan A for a long time. But I don't know if Plan B would have a better impact. He's the most stubborn person I've ever known. If I do Plan B, I am mostly worried he will take our daughter around the OW, which I have a huge problem with. I don't want him not to be able to see our daughter, but if he is not allowed in our home, where he will see her?

For example, this weekend I have made plans to go visit our friends for the holiday weekend, as we have done every Memorial Day for the past 8 years. I was just going to tell them the truth if he didn't come. Yesterday, he asked if I had plans for Memorial Day. I said yes, and told him my plans were the same plans we have every memorial day, and told him he didn't have to come if he didn't want to. He said he'd come but leave a day early (presumably to spend a day with OW) so we would have to take two cars. So now we pretend to be a family for two days with our closest friends, and then he leaves a day early, probably with the excuse he has to work.

Oh boy, what a mess. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The answer to your question is yes, you should go into plan B immediately. Plan A should only last for 3-4 weeks for a woman, because it is actually harmful to your marriage. It harms you mentally and it impedes your chance of getting him back because it makes you appear more unattractive to compete for your husband.

Have you exposed to the affair to the OW's family, friends and workplace?

I would get the book Surviving an Affair [you can get it on kindle] and read up on Plan B. We can help you do it effectively.

Everyone should be told about his affair right away. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable it. That is not in anyone's best interest. That hurts him and you.

Please go read my exposure thread. Dr. Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, calls the exposure the most important first step towards recovery.

Exposure is vital, you are just giving them the secrecy to have a really disgusting affair without it. It's like drawing the curtain for them.

I know people 'know' but have you asked for HELP. Did they all contact him on the same day to tell him he was busted or was it trickled out so it was more comfortable for him to learn to ignore?

And what about exposure of OW? Is she married and who are her folks? What do they think of her being some married guys mistress?






This is really sick and will be very confusing for your DD. She's too young for verbal expousure but she is still smart. She knows when there is tension in the home and that daddy comes and goes in a confusing way.

She's going to grow up thinking this is normal and you will land yourself in the nut-house.

It's also very unattractive to be a doormat.

If he wants to be at home with his daughter in the family home, he is going to have to stop catting around with a skank and be a family man for real.

Otherwise he is going to have to learn to parent her during proper visitiation all on his ownsome in a place he will have to organise - just like a grown up!

You are giving him a deceptive version of what divorce looks like. He thinks it is all peahces and cream and everyone being friends and that he can have his cake and eat it too.

Show him the REAL version and protect yourself in Plan B.

Plan B seems like a logistical nightmare. If I change the locks on our home, he would possibly just transfer his pay checks to go into a new account. I can't afford our mortgage and expenses on my own. Legally, the home is 1/2 his and that is how he would see it. Also, with respect to visitation of our toddler, how would that work? Would he be allowed to take her to the OW's (tiny one bedroom) apartment? This doesn't seem healthy to me at all for our daughter. But, where else would he take her?

OW is not married. She is single, a few years older than me. I don't know any of her friends. Even though I have never contacted her in any way, she blocked me from her facebook account. I know her mother and two sisters name and phone number and address (they live out of state) just from simple research.

That is why you must enlist the aid of a lawyer immediately. He is not allowed to just suddenly discontinue supporting you during a separation, especially one brought about by his infidelity! The law can be used to force him to continue to support you, and it must be, because he cannot be relied on right now to do the right thing (if he could, you wouldn't be here).


Again, you need to enlist the aid of a lawyer immediately. A morality clause in the separation papers can usually stipulate that the child is not to be exposed to any affair partners.

Have you read the exposure 101 thread yet? How is exposure going? This is what you need to be focusing on.

I actually am a lawyer, but not a family lawyer by any means. I will try to find someone from law school days who focus on this area (because, honestly I know nothing about it).

I have read the exposure 101 thread at least 10 times. My biggest fear is telling my own parents. I don't think they will ever be able to forgive him, no matter what happens. Once I tell them, you cannot "unring" the bell.

You are Super Woman. Plan A since January?!!!

Definitely listen to the vets here and do everything they say. I'll share what I did because our situation is somewhat similar.

I did a kinda Plan A (unknowingly due to not finding MB until later) for 3 months. Everything with OW continued the whole time. WH never attempted to end it. In my case, neither of us could afford our home alone so I knew we would sell it if we divorced. I found an apartment for DD and I, talked to WH about listing our home since nothing was changing, and took enough money from our joint account to support myself for three months. I would have met with a lawyer, but WH agreed to give me everything I wanted if we could work it out with a Mediator. After I moved out WH lived in our home while it was on the market. It sold within a week and then he had another month there until the closing. So he had his visitation at our home since I had my apartment.

I never really did a proper Plan B until it was too late, so I can't offer much advice there.

I think your friends that you plan to visit this weekend should know about the affair though. Are you planning to tell them before you arrive or after your WH leaves early for "work"? You are a strong woman - if he told me he was leaving our family trip early for "work", I'd likely tell him to go to hell. Geez! I maybe didn't Plan A very well either according to my reaction. Ha!

Hi Charlie

You should expose to your parents and any siblings you have...they can be of great support to you. I never really understood how a BS can pretend to be the "happy family" after Dday, nor do I recommend it. You could expose his affair to key friends while at the gathering this weekend. It doesn't have to be a big, ugly spectacle but it could be helpful that your WH has to face those people. Hold the mirror up.

Consult an attorney. Support orders can be issued if your WH tries to withhold funds. If you expose, he may be less likely to withhold funds as that would make him look like a bigger [censored] to people and he may not want to do that. Your silence and pretending to play "happy family" has enabled him for too long.

Welcome to MB

Being that you are married to a serial cheater you really need to drop the nukes and consult an attorney ASAP.

I think that I would be crushed if my own daughter felt that she could not come to me for moral support with the truth about her life.

Welcome counselor, fellow tax attorney here. Sorry to meet like this.

When you expose to OW's family you might want to mention that his counselor appears to have diagnosed him as a sex addict.

Dr. Harley isn't big on the easy out of calling a simple serial cheater a "sex addict". He has a pretty good article on the subject on the main MB website (link above). It's doubtful he is. Sex Addict is just his crutch to excuse his behavior right now. Still might help you breaking up the affair in exposure to use that. Her parents may or may not care about her being with a married man but a "sex addict" might alarm them a bit more.

The "sex addict" thing might also help you protect your child from exposure to his sex partners. Be sure to speak with your family lawyer about that.

I'd also expose him at work as he's got to leave that high pressure traveling job anyway. You simply will never be able to trust a serial cheater in the company of ANY women outside of your presence. You'll need to find a way to work together doing something....like practicing law or something.

Tough spot but you came to the right place. MB saved my marriage and family years ago. You may or may not save yours but MB will give you the best shot and if you fail, you'll be satisfied that you tried your best...no regrets.

It's gonna be OK. You will make it. You're bright enough to hack sitting in law school with all those other, cough, lawyers...you can handle this too.

Charlie, the most important factor here is that you have the support of your family. He is a big boy and can handle your parents himself. That is his problem, not yours.

I did not tell my mother and crushed was exactly the correct word for how she felt when she finally discovered what was going on. She guessed of course, it isn't that hard.

Also, keep in mind, if you get to the point of recovery you would have to move from your city and sell your house anyway to get away from OW. For a long time I felt sick about selling our home and leaving the only home our daughter knew. I got to a point where I couldn't even stand being in my home any more because of all the bad memories. I never thought it would be a relief to move into a 2 bed apartment! It was the best thing I did and helped me heal.

Charlie,

Is your husband still in the military?

AM

No what you are doing is a logistical nightmare.

Spending hours of your day in Stepford wife pose, then weeping into your pinny when he leaves to bed down with his mistress. Allowing this is both unstable and a waste of your time.

Just think what you could be doing with all this time! Like painting your toenails, or healing. Allowing him to 'gift' you money that he is legally required to provide is also a logistical nightmare - he could, and probably will, withdraw it at any time you don't dance to his insane tune.





I think it is wonderful news that your parents love you and don't approve of adultery. I think it is fantastic they are probably not willing to hand out blank slips of forgiveness after the horror he has put you through.

The most successful exposures include people like your parents. The last thing you need is a bunch of enablers telling him it was no big deal. As for the future, how they feel about him will all depend on how impressive a man he becomes. Right now there's not much to admire - but an MB style former wayward spouse is a wondrous and noble person capable of inspiring great faith. We are all judged on our last actions, but in the future we will be judged on our next actions. Our reputations are not set in stone - people re-evaluate all the time.

Honestly I think that their distrust is rather going to centre on you after lying to them for months. They probably won't have a great deal of faith in your plan, unless you admit the past few months were a mistake. Don�t get defensive if they are incredulous - they will naturally think what you have been doing is nuts.

I don't say that to bash you, because I know that the dazed BS is capable of stepping on some landmines. However I think you should admit to yourself that you haven't done Plan A at all, because Plan A without exposure is just Plan Doormat. You didn't tell your parents because you know they love you too much and wouldn't have approved of your plan to submit to his cruelty.

I personally nearly left my lovely, protective father off the exposure list because he had never liked my WH. What a disservice I would have done myself. I had even expected him to become violent towards WH - but no, he was just very hurt for me. Of course he also said he would 'never forgive'. When I showed him how tough I was with exposure and a strict Plan B, his faith in me soared. After watching me some time he said he would support an MB style recovery if my WS agreed to live up to such high standards. After some healing in Plan B I chose not to recover but I would have had my family's unstinting support in any decision I made because I had earned their absolute faith in my judgement.

Do tell your parents and secure their trust in your ability to handle this before they guess on their own. I'm sure you aren't doing so well and that it is perfectly obvious your marriage is strained.

Tasks
1. Get exposure ready, your plan and templates.
2. Read this thread about how to Plan B correctly
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787
3. See a lawyer about protecting your finances, and keeping OW away from DD.
4. See a doc about some short term anti depressants to help you through this - you are probably spending a lot of your time crying and being listless.
5. I bet you haven't been eating or sleeping. Try to grab naps and bites (nuts and bananas seem popular choices) if this has been a struggle. You are about to take down an affair and will need strength.

Hugs.