Thanks Brainy I hope your right!

I think if you just continue to document his lack of caring then you could get full custody and his seeing PEGI would be a moot point.

I so hope so Karmarose.

To update - there has been no visitation for 8 weeks, no telephone contact for 2 weeks. We had a substantial "shake" in our city a couple of weeks ago. The earthquake although south of our city caused some damage in the CBD and scared alot of people. Isildur made no contact to see how the children were.... still hasn't 2 ws later.

Today is the first anniversary of my mother's death, he hasn't even contacted the children. He is aware of the date as it's noted in the draft formal agreement (based on our Heads of Agreement signed 6 wks ago)that will be filed in court ... yes we are still attempting to finalise even though the HOA is legally binding (handwritten version signed by all parties at the meeting).

I know he can't allow himself to care, he can't remain emotionally detached if he cares about his family. If he allows himself to care or feel he can't continue living in denial and feeding the fantasy.

On a postive DS8's teacher is very understanding and supportive. I had a 2hr meeting with her prior to the earthquake. She was concerned about DS8 and noticed changes. The day before our meeting DS8 told her he was sad but he didn't know why ... heartbreaking.

I've spent lots of time with DS8 and reassured him that I choose to be here with him and I make good choices to keep myself safe so that I am here for him... he is worried something will happen to me. Unfortunately timing hasn't helped, after effects of his visit with Isildur and PEGI, the anniversary of mum's death (unexpected illness & death) and recent earthquakes has impacted his anxiety that something may happen to me. I know he is worried not only about losing me, but that he would have to live with Isildur and PEGI. He has observed that PEGI holds the balance of power and feels that Isildur will not stand for him.

The damage inflicted on our children is too great a price for a selfish addiction, a fantasy that given the statistics will fail.

Yup, just keep documenting the lack of contact. The judge will not like his trying to get 50/50 if he doesn't seem to give a hoot now and you have your documentation.

Finally 8 weeks after our Heads of Agreement (HOA) was signed at the round table meeting we have signed our formal Relationship Property Agreement (RPA). I agreed to 2 new clauses to avoid further delays and the expense of going to court to enforce the HOA.

We had some things stored in our hometown for our future relocation. I had these shipped to our current home. Some of Isildur's personal property was included in the shipment.

He refused to collect his personal property from the garage or organise a carrier. His guilt prevents him from going anywhere near the family home. His lawyer advised I should meet him at a neutral venue, that as I was retaining the chattels it was unreasonable to expect Isildur to collect his personal property from the home. I suggested our neighbour's garage, this was not acceptable.

A venue was advised by his lawyer - access way to local school next door to Isildur's lawyer's house ... how odd! My lovely neighbours offered to deliver the boxes so I would avoid seeing him.

For legal reasons I had to allow Isildur to email me to organise the date & time for collection of his personal property. The terms of the RPA provides for the return of his personal property within 7 days and my lawyer went on holiday after the agreement was signed.

Isildur emailed:

As the Separation Agreement was signed yesterday I note that you must provide my personal effects to me within the next six days. We are only available between 1400 and 1500 on Saturday 7 September to meet outside the school. If you are unable to make this time please courier the boxes to our house.

As noted a multitude of times during these protracted negotiations I only want the following (listed) All other books were explicitly left for DS20 and DS8. Feel free to use or dispose of anything else.

Please let me know whether you intend to meet at the school at the above date and time or courier the items by 1700 Friday.

I replied via my IM:

The Heads of Agreement dated 18.7.13 is a legally binding agreement. I agreed to the addition of the 2 new clauses you requested to enable the Relationship Property Agreement to be finalised and to avoid further delays, the necessity of going to court to enforce the HOA and additional legal expenses for both of us.

I am happy to accomodate your stipulated time and deliver your personal property at 2.00pm to the school access way on X Rd (the location requested by you). I note that should a carrier be required for any reason you are responsible for the arrangements and meeting payment of any fee.

All your remaining personal property will be delivered with the exception of the books as previously specified and the speakers you no longer want. I note you have been advised of the number of boxes. You are responsible for uplifting your personal property from the arranged location.

I agreed to the arranged delivery to finalise the RPA as I didn't have funds to go to court to enforce the HOA. I didn't want to agree to this as I knew this would enable his entitlement and he would continue trying to control me in the future. I was hoping my response would indicate I will not be controlled without LB. I also wanted to protect myself legally that I had complied with the RPA but was not responsible for any property not uplifted (council fine)

This has certainly impacted the peace of Plan B.

Have it delivered
and

onward!

Plan B power to you.

My neighbours delivered the boxes yesterday so I wouldn't have to see him or PEGI.

I received a telephone call from a friend today who was at school working on a green/landscape plan. Another parent with her found some of the boxes at the top of the access way and wanted to ring the principal so they could be removed bfore school on Monday. Some boxes contained empty Grolsch bottle (cermanic top) as Iisldur wanted to try making home brew and collected them.

The friend who rang helped me pack them into my car. The boxes had written in blue permanent marker property of Happy Maiden name, my address and works at school. The handwriting was in a woman's handwriting and not Isildurs. Originally my married name (which I still go by) was written but crossed out and my maiden name was written.

It was obvious the itention was for this to be found by fellow parents on the way to school on Monday. I can't believe Isildur would do this or stand by while PEGI left the messages on the box.

I was concerned he may not want some things but I followed the RPA and delivered all his property despite his email only listing certain items. I did not want him to have any grounds that I had't complied with the RPA. The only items not included were those advised in legal correspondence that he did not want and books he gave the boys. I never expected he would leave my details on the box.

How can he still be so angry? I retained the assets on legal entitlement grounds, he chose his path and loosing his equity was a consequence, yet he plays the victim.

This really hurts, do waywards ever stop trying to control, manipulate and hurt the BS?

Youve just about got his worthless [censored] out of your life.
The part about leaving beer bottles with your name is funny though.
Make sure you wash your hands after handling
Anything that belonged to the idiot

Maybe you should get a picture of OW imprinted on a tshirt and deliver it to your wh with the caption :"I like whores".
That or get some gay porn magazines and write "property of wh" on the box and leave it out

OW is a nightmare and she isn't your nightmare BUT your once beloved's.

You are free to be yourself.

The kids are free to be your children and exH's children and they will lean on you, their rock as they deal with OW to see Daddy.

She will never break you or them.

She is a sad, sorry, not nice person that the kids may brush elbows with but not be ruined by, because, they have you.

You know?

Yeah, only problem though is DS8 goes to the school and I work part time at the same school, so the Grolsch bottle collection wouldn't have been a good look.

JK I mistakenly thought once the property settlement was finalised the battle and drama would end, given he has little contact with our kids.

Thanks Reading I needed the reminder and need to focus on that and move through the hurt.

My children feel happy, safe and secure with me. They know they are a priority in my life and feel comfortable talking to me about their concerns, feelings etc. They know I will always be here for them.

My lawyer said a similar thing - Isildur has lost his children, his assets, his life. You have retained your assets, will go forward with your life and most importantly you have your children.

I also retained my integrity and dignity.

I have been posting on other threads but haven't posted on my thread in a while. Apart from the strength, support from fellow MBers gives me, I wanted to update my thread and hopefully this post may help someone else.

Only fellow MBers would understand this post, the problem is my heart hasn't reached indifference yet.

I know D is my reality but it's not what I want even with the deplorable wayward behaviour. It's really hard to let go of a marriage I valued. We were married for 20yrs and during that time we had a good happy marriage. Pre A he was a wonderful loving caring husband and father who I loved, admired and respected, he was also my best friend. He was a man of integrity and his family was his priority.

This is why it's painful to let go, we had a marriage and family that was worth fighting for. I fought for our M and I know I have done everything but the addiction was too strong.

Isildur is unrecognisable from my husband. I do not like nor respect the man he has become. He has sacrificed his values, integrity, character and relationship with his children. He will struggle in the future with facing the truth and pain he has caused. I think it may be too painful for him to face the truth. I hope he can for the sake of our children, I hope one day the "father" will return.

I know I deserve better than the man he has become, I have grown during my journey and I need to keep moving forward with my life. Part of me would like to meet someone in the future, but a huge part of me still struggles to let go of what I had.

It would be easier if I felt indifference, but in some ways the love and feelings I still have for him and the knowledge I've gained from MB has enabled me to stand and not allow the A to define me.

I am not bitter or angry, I have my memories and three wonderful children. Isildur's re write of our marriage and denigration of me was painful, it still hurts to think he can easily disregard our history and can't acknowledge happy memories.

I just wish my acceptance wasn't associated with grief, loss and sadness. Maybe D will allow me to move forward, at the least it won't be painful thinking of him in terms of my Husband, ex maybe an easier concept when dealing with the consequences of his behaviour.

Whilst still legally married I stood for my marriage and family. Once D is finalised I will move forward in a new direction. I am certain the A will end even if it becomes an affairage. Statistics, her history of short term relationships and narcissistic/sociopathic traits indicate failure. Regardless I need to move forward and leave the past behind me.

The way forward is to be able to look at my marriage as a chapter in my life. I had a happy marriage and family, I have many happy memories and 3 wonderful children whom I am very proud of. Ahead lies new opportunities, as they say when one door closes another opens. Onwards and upwards.

I'm having a hard time with D. I've accepted the reality but it's hard emotionally. It's not easy though as D is so final. Whilst still legally married I stood for my marriage and family, hoping for reconciliation. I'd hoped the A would end before he filed for D.... "2 yrs" is May 2014. Once D is final then I know I need to move on.

It's heartbreaking that our M will be dissolved due to an A. Even if they marry, statistics, her history of short term relationships,her narcissistic personality and sociopathic traits are good indicators it will fail in time.... but time is not on my side.

I have to be content that I stood for my marriage and family. I fought to save my marriage but the addiction was too strong. PEGI's insecurities and her influence was too strong, it was a battle I couldn't win ...can't reason with or educate a wayward.

My only regret is that I didn't find MB earlier, that in my desire to protect my family and following "so called expert advice" I enabled the A and allowed it to become entrenched. With the wisdom of hindsight (MB knowledge & Isildur's actions) I sincerely believe if I exposed closer to DDay I had a strong chance of killing the A. Isildur left with his wedding ring and a photo of me he'd carried for 22yrs. He really struggled with the 1st Christmas Day and PEGI's insecurities increased... I know I have to let this go, but with the mixture of emotions at the moment it's something I've thought about.

How long before my heart reaches the indifference I need to emotionally let go and move forward completely?

DS8 is also struggling and having a hard time dealing with disappointment and frustration... emotional meltdowns, tears and anger. He was playing with his lego and pieces kept breaking he was getting frustrated and kept yelling "everything is breaking" He told me he would rather jump off a cliff than us get D

How are you doing nowadays?

Sorry I missed your post Karmarose, I'm doing well, its been a long journey but I am happy and at peace. I hope you are well

Three years ago my life took an unexpected direction. I faced grief, loss, change and many challenges along the way. Reflecting over this time - It's not the changes that define us but how we face those challenges and grow from the experience. I am fortunate that I have had a happy life, some wonderful experiences and many opportunities. My memories are part of my life's story. That chapter has ended, I will always have fond memories but I am looking forward to the next chapter. I am blessed I have a good life, wonderful children who I love, value and I'm very proud of, great friends and good health. I am happy and at peace with my life. Onwards and upwards. Life is good.



I have come along way, even though I accepted R was unlikely to be in my future, it was a while before I was at peace with my D and able to finally "feel" what a couple of MBers had said "you are free". I now feel free of the wayward drama, free to live my life and to continue to grow.

I struggled with the loss of a happy pre A marriage and family, a wonderful husband, father and friend. What was even more painful for me was the out of character cruel wayward behaviour and the re write/obliteration of our history. Whilst the last 3 years have been painful I'm at peace and bear no ill feelings nor animosity towards Isildur. I do not like nor respect the person he has become, but his A and wayward behaviour has not defined me nor changed the way I view my past.

Today, I can look over my life pre A with fond memories and feel blessed that I was fortunate to have had a good life, a happy M, a wonderful family, yet accept that chapter has ended and look forward to the future and creating new memories.

Anniversaries still trigger feelings -sad that someone I loved and viewed as my best friend could inflict so much pain and try to destroy me financially to provide for his OW. I try not to dwell on this and know in time this will lessen.

Hopefully this helps anyone who is struggling to see there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel, even if your journey ends on a different path to the one you hoped. It is possible to survive and thrive after an A.

You are an inspiration Happyfuture. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Thank you Happyfuture. I hope there is a lot of love and laughter in your future.

Thanks Face for your kind words. I hope my story particularly my update helps other BS see there really is life after an A and even D. It has taken time for me to heal, make peace and move forward - if I can survive and thrive it's possible for other BS regardless of their story or the roller coaster they find themselves on.