The thing is, is not really uncharacteristic for you. It has happened time and time again on this thread. You have given yourself a license to be disrespectful to her, and you do it over and over again. It didn't happen because she hit a nerve. It happened because YOU allowed yourself to do it. You control how you react, not her. Don't blame her for your abusive behavior.

If you simply cannot control yourself, go to Plan B. For both your sakes.


It will do no good if it is just more of the same disrespect you have been giving her. Can you write one without the disrespect? Without the blaming?

If you can't, it's best not to write one at all.

What do you think a recovered marriage looks like?

In our case, we have a romantic relationship that is better than it has ever been before. And it wasn't bad before, so making it even better was a real achievement.

What about how I reacted to the affair?

I didn't find MB right away, but fortunately, the Lord protected me from doing too many things that were lovebusters. My wife now views my post-affair actions as proof of my care for her. I won her back with demonstrations of care.

So, how can the kind of things you are doing ever be viewed as proof that you care and really love your wife? Arguing with her won't do that. Neither will trying to change her. Certainly, disrespect will get nowhere. You need a serious change of tactics. Why not try sticking with the MB approach? Stop making LB withdrawals and start working on making deposits.

BlindNM, you took off leaving your wife to deal with two sobbing little girls? Is this to again prove to her that you have NO ability to be there for her when she needs you?

I know you weren't feeling the best, but still you were well enough to go to Walmart. Once in that situation, don't just throw the fallout on her.

You could have walked around in Walmart with them a while, taking the opportunity to make some deposits with your wife and showing her the dad you are to your girls. You could tell the girls that since they need to stay with their Mom so they can go to school tomorrow, you'll take them and WW for an ice cream cone after Walmart instead if they promise to be good girls when it is time to go, and you can't wait to see them again very soon.

Use some creativity so you have given her a net positive for coming into contact with you, a visual of what the family together could be - not the usual "here, the kids are on you - I am outta here" BlindNM that you have been.

I could have, but please understand that I have Crohn's disease and am having a flare right now. I stopped in for 3 cans of soup because I had nothing at home that I thought I could tolerate. I really did feel like the walking dead.

This is also why I can't have three jobs to do "whatever it takes" to support my kids. I'd end up in the hospital being of no use to anyone.

I need to buy Love Busters. The one I don't have yet. I know some are mentioned in the other books but I want to read the whole book on it.

That would be a good move.

Hi Blindsided,

"I could have, but please understand that I have Crohn's disease and am having a flare right now. I stopped in for 3 cans of soup because I had nothing at home that I thought I could tolerate. I really did feel like the walking dead."

Just a suggestion, but did you explain this to her, and at least try to walk with them into the store and talk for just a few minutes? I know you probably were feeling miserable, but I think she would have then understood why you needed to leave and understood how you were feeling. You could have followed up by telling her that when I'm feeling better, give me a call and I'll be happy to spend time shopping with you - Walmart or elsewhere.

Obviously, Blind, you failed on yet another opportunity to Plan A your exW. Please understand that I do not think that Plan A is formulaic from the standpoint that if I do this she ought to respond that way, or if I grit my teeth and be nice, she will too, and therefore I will gain points! Nope! I think Dr. Harley's Plan A is based on the simple promise that a guy named Jesus taught several years ago - 'I know mine, and mine know me'. The word 'know' is mean to imply care, love and protection for those we love, and in our lives. Translated, if you show another person you Really care for and love them, without regard to yourself, they will come to know you - i.e., love or at least respect you too. Jesus did mention something about a wolf in his parable, but I don't think he spent the energy to put it on 'cheaterville' back then. *s* He spent his energy on intimate communication with his 'flock' - his family, despite how he felt.

I'm just hoping that the energy that you and so many others have spent here Does rub off on you and results in a reconciliation with your ExW, as you hope for, but you're going to have to extend yourself, get rid of your resentment toward her that affects your responses, and do a true Plan A as the Shepherd of your family.

I fully expect you will come back with an excuse...

Take care,

Tom

I did mention it to her today in the apology I emailed her. I was really pretty sick. As soon as I got home after seeing them I had a nice bout of dry heaves and went to bed. TMI probably.

I did say hi to her and I didn't sense any anger or anything negative.

I also just noticed that this whole time I put the wrong year in my signature. We were married in 2002, not 2006. :-/

Daughters preschool graduation tonight. Opportunity to plan A. Hope I don't blow it.

Oh boy. That was interesting. Preschool graduation ceremony for my 5 yr old. On the one hand I was so proud of my daughter and took pictures and video and all that. I was sad, too, she is growing up so fast and I am missing so much of her childhood that I can never get back, and her family is irreparably broken.

Then after it was over, I found my daughter in the lobby and gave her all kinds of affection and told her how proud I was and everything, took more pictures.

Then she tells me matter-of-factly "We're an apart family". As though she could not wait to tell me the good news.

Then her little sister found me and we hugged and everything. My 5 year old saw her mother and went over there.

Then I saw... she brought the POSOM to my daughter's event. Unbelievable. I told my 2 yr old to take the graduation cap to her sister and I stood up and left as fast as I could. I was afraid I might lay that POS out in front of all those kids. I am not a violent person, I have never been in a fight in my entire life. I was hyperventilating all the way home. I should be cool, though, right? The guy who screwed my wife in our house while we were married, I should just be cool with that and "move on". I mean, I am not a real man anyway, so why should I care?

I think I am done. I mean done done. Done with this site, done with this nightmare. I hope I don't end up in prison or a SBC.

I guess she hit the jackpot and will be that 1% whose affair turns into her every fantasy forever and ever.

I can't even think straight right now.

Sir,
I believe that your life would be much easier if you would follow Dr. Harley's advice.
Initially, he recommended no contact between you and the ex; which you said was impossible.
So you have been in this back and forth conflict with her since divorce and it is wearing you down.

You need to stick with a plan and not deviate from it.

I believe he told me to Plan A. It was my friend who said to Plan B. It is impossible to do either. I have no friends or family to be an intermediary. The girls would need to be dropped off somewhere each time we exchange them.

But look, she found a better man, that's the bottom line. He's younger, better looking, muscular, every girl's dream. Better than me in every possible way. He understands her so well because his wife put him through the same things. He sees my kids more than I do, he is a perfect replacement. My kids won't even remember me. It would serve everyone's best interest if I were not in the picture at all.

Sir you seem to have a self defeatist attitude.
That is not good.

Yeah, but what should I do? She parades this guy out to show me that there is absolutely no going back. She won.

And for what it is worth, I have figured out why I am the way I am, but I can't say anything because I am either "making excuses" or "feeling sorry for myself".

Maybe if a shrink told me the same things I have figured out, it would be "valid".

The answer to that is to not exhibit those behaviors. You are not locked into being "the way you are". That's just self-justifying the continuation of the same behaviors.

Simply change your behaviors. Behaviors are choices.

Did you read what she said in our text exchange on page 90(?). It's over. Her mind is made up. She found her man. Doesn't matter what I do or say. I'm inclined to do a permanent plan B and hire a lawyer to fix this custody nonsense. I wish I could afford to do that but I can't yet.

One of my daughters recently had an emotional crisis, and her therapist said something that makes a lot of sense.

She said that when someone is anxious, they tend to be really paying attention to their anxieties and how what they're anxious about impacts them, so their behavior can easily become more and more self centered - that is where their thoughts are - and therefore they tend to become blinded to how they are treating others.

BlindNM, as you have mentioned your Christian faith, I would just urge you to throw your cares upon God, for He cares for you. Free yourself of these cares.

Doing so is a habit...when the anxieties return you have to really focus on not taking them back. What works for me is repeating and repeating a little phrase - such as a pertinent Bible verse - until the thought goes away.

When you are aware of your anxieties - and you do tend to have a pessimistic, self defeating anxious initial reaction to many things - then you can see them for what they are better, and not get stuck in the self centered/blindered focus that they tend to bring on.

Dr. Harley is not afraid of using antidepressants to help during a behavioral transition - so you may want to consider that.

Recognizing these things could really change your outlook and your experience of life tremendously.

BlindNM, I am sorry that she is done with this relationship.

While currently you do not know how to resolve conflicts without love busting, you can study the other threads in MB and LoveBusters to learn how to build a great relationship with someone else.

Please give some thought to casting your anxious and depressed thoughts on God each day, and as often as they come up.

I've been going through a pile of once-in-a-lifetime crises all at once the last several months, and some days I could not continue on if I couldn't just throw it on God and find at least something to thank him for....even if it some days it is simply that I still have enough credit to put food on the table and my children are healthy enough to be hungry.

As these things all started to happen, God was merciful to show me that He sees me, loves me and cares for me (during the third crisis). Some days I just feel abandoned by God until I remember how He cared for me and realize He has a plan for me, even if it is to close all of the doors where we are right now because He has something else. He has something for us to learn or change.

BlindNM, He has a plan for you, too. The only thing you can do is cast your cares upon Him and take opportunities in the means He sets in front of you. Rest each night knowing that you made the best decisions and behaviors you could each day at a time.

Studying the MB forums will help you perform your best behaviors not only for yourself, but to others. While MB is for marriages, those same behaviors and boundaries are very productive in ALL of your relationships.

I don't know how to do any of that. I don't want a new relationship, honestly. I think about my ex wife and kids from the time I wake up til I fall asleep

I'm not normally a pessimist, either. I fall into that when all this crap happens and I come her and vent about it. Like yesterday, rather than be confrontational, I just left. But I assume that I was supposed to meet the POSOM and shake his hand and pretend everything is peachy. That would make love bank deposits? Not with her. She'd see it as me accepting her final decision, and that is never going to happen.

BlindNM, dwelling on a door that is closed is not good for your health.

I really encourage you to prayerfully read your Bible every day and ask God for His help to transition to what He has for you.

Also, to use the means God sets in front of you to grow (such as this MB site).

You say you are not normally a pessimist - but your entire thread and all of your reactions are COMPLETELY self defeating and pessimistic. We can all see it, but you are blinded to it. If you study some of the other threads it may help open your eyes to it.