Why didn't you simply point out it was her weekend? That was all that had to be said instead going around and around with her.

I personally don't understand why you are still bothering to Plan A your exWW. She is not interested in reconciling with you. You will be beating your head into a brick wall....that is your choice but she has made hers clear and you simply don't want to accept it. Save yourself a lot of headache and heartache...Plan B and rebuild your life without her.

She also had appointments and is rearranging her appointments because your daughter was sick. She did not want your daughter to be sick. You are failing to see it as a mutual problem, and instead looking at it as her problem. She is stepping up to the plate and you are not.


You are only looking at things from your perspective. From her perspective, one of the reasons she is hurting for money is that you did not pay child support for a long time.

And if I were her, I'd protect my income (and appointments) over yours at all costs because the history is that you are not reliable with financial support (for whatever reasons - the impact to her is the same) and you are not willing to participate in resolving problems. You were not even willing to give the school your address for your daughter's enrollment. That says a lot to her.

Why, though? What good does it do to show this but not follow the plans for making the situation better?

We all know where your frustration comes from. We also know what plan to follow to better your situation.


Been there, followed the plan, it got better.


What good would that do? Why does it matter why she does it, when it hurts like hell? Instead of analyzing it, why not follow Dr. Harley's proven plans that fix this situation?

Telling her you don't know the kids' schedule is like saying you really don't care. You communicate a lack of care over and over and over and over.

You love goading her though you seem to have no ability to self reflect and take ownership of it.

This thread could be titled WHAT NOT TO DO. Seriously. I hope people are studying this because it's pretty mind blowing.

In her text, she stated she wasn't swapping weekends which indicates that it was your Sunday to have the daughter. Is this correct that it was actually your Sunday?

I don't understand why when you found out your daughter was sick you just didn't ask her what you could do to help. Think of it as a business relationship and it has to be mutually satisfying for both parties. In this instance, she had to take a day off work and is juggling to reschedule. You weren't out any inconvenience. That seems very one-sided

Blindsided,

I'd like to make a suggestion to you. And, that is you start tomorrow by taking the next two weeks to 1) minimize your contact with your exW, and if there has to be contact, to be as supportive and polite as you can be, 2) that you read and study Dr. Harley's program, and especially 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 3) that you deeply reflect on whether you're the guy that could attract her back unless there are some serous changes in your attitude and approach to her. I would also suggest that during these two weeks you refrain from posting on here, except to ask pertinent questions about the MB program. I say this because it's obvious that you come here only to vent your frustrations and attempt to obtain sympathy and support for your disrespectful, non-supportive responses toward your exW, irregardless of what resentment you hold for her. I realize you are dealing with Chrone's illness, and I admit I don't know much about it, but there are many people who cope with more serious illnesses and don't whine about it as much as you do, and maintain a much more pleasant and positive attitude than you do.

Tom

Blindsided,

I am truly hopeful that the silence here is an indication that you Are spending this time to reflect on changes you can make in yourself, and to devote yourself to the MB program. I hope you've had a good week, and I will remember you in my prayers, and hope you come back with a little different attitude.

Tom

Thanks. Yeah, been doing a lot of thinking and trying to keep my feet away from my mouth. XW has been pulling a lot of passive-aggressive crap lately but I've been letting it go. She's still angry.

I had a friend read through our text exchanges. Interesting comments he had. I can elaborate later.

I talked with my xFIL earlier today. Seems the xW and my kids (and the POSOM) met them in AZ to go camping. The xFIL still did not talk to him or treat him in a welcoming way. He did tell me a couple interesting things that I'll mention for what they're worth:

He said my xW's sister told him that she (xW) and the POSOM had a HUGE fight. He also said that my 2-year-old does not seem to like the POSOM very much. That concerns me a little bit. I am wondering if he is left alone with her and what he might be doing if he is. Also, it seems that he is one of those people who professes to know everything but really doesn't. I won't go into details about that, but suffice to say that he could have caused a large auto repair bill if the person involved didn't take his car to a shop after the POSOM "fixed" it for him. Nyuk.

Oh, another thing.. I have run into the xW at the store twice in the past 2 or 3 weeks after work. That has NEVER happened until a few weeks ago. It happened again tonight - I saw her car in the parking lot and decided to go across the street to the other store, but I most certainly would have seen her in there. I have to wonder if it is a little bit deliberate.

So there's trouble in paradise. That gives me a little smile. Is that wrong?

Did you ever run a background check on OM?

Yes. He has two arrests: DUI and domestic abuse. He has also been ticketed several times for not putting his own kids in car seats. That's just the stuff the PI found. He has managed to explain it away to my xW though.

Your WW wants to be with the guy who meets most (if not all) of her most important emotional needs.

At one time you were that guy -- because she married you and had 2 beautiful children with you.

Now you are snarky, didnt provide financial support -- And avoid her (and your daughters) when you could've gone in to see if she needed help with anything!
You could've spent some extra time with your family....walked her to the car, loaded her packages, then asked if they all wanted to go for ice cream or to a park.

Do you really want your family back?

I was that guy for three months. Then she decided that she made a mistake, and treated me like a mistake for the next 10 years.

Hi Blindsided,

I have to tell you that I'm disappointed and almost saddened at your most recent response. This is just the Internet, we don't know each other at all, it's easy to give advice or tear someone down because it's sort of impersonal, but I do feel saddened because, even tho impersonal, I thought you had a good chance to change yourself and your approach to your ExW, and maybe at least gain a more pleasant relationship with her. And, I did invest some prayers for you, but it's your choice how to accept or reject the support here.

I was hoping that you would take the past couple of weeks and focus on how to improve your situation and really study MB concepts and at least try to Plan A. When I suggested you take a little break from complaining here, it was to get you to focus on the fact that you're going to have to go the extra mile, the extra 20%, to restore any kind of loving family relationship. I have to agree with Lexxxy's comment about your desire to gain your family back. You're just blowing off opportunities to be there for your daughters and your ExW and show them you really care! And, you have a valid point of being concerned about the POSOM, with his traits and background that you know of, being around your daughters! Running away and trying to be invisible, for whatever reason you have, isn't going to give them any assurance that you really care.

Tomorrow is Fathers' Day, and I hope you have a good one. I'm grateful that I have a very good relationship with my kids. We haven't gone through anything like you are - we've had our problems and challenges like most other people, but we've very much survived as a family. there I'm age 71 Blindsided, so there would not be much time left for me to try to change or try to amend for some serious stuff I did in the past. You're not a 'spring chicken' either tho, and you don't know how much time or how many opportunities you have left. So, don't blow them out your a$$ because of your resentments!

Still prayers, but get your 'fricken' act together,

Tom

It's impossible to offer MB based advice since you refuse to follow Plan A or Plan B

Okay, let me clarify some things. I am super freaking busy during the week. I spend 2.5 hours commuting each day. I do not have casual conversations or see the xW at all during the week. When I do see her briefly to pick up the girls, she is usually distant and avoids eye contact and chit-chat, so I am pleasant and do whatever I can to "Plan A", but the contact is brief and limited.

I happen to call her dad and I heard all this stuff about what is going on, which I have no way of knowing. It seems that things are not all rosy with POSOM, and that gives me a bit of hope.

As for avoiding an opportunity, I was there to drop off a movie at the redbox, that's it. I also did not know if the POSOM was with her, and I wanted to avoid that potential scenario. I do find myself in less than an ideal frame of mind when he is in the vicinity.

Having said all that... I have been looking for opportunities to Plan A. This weekend I texted her when I had the girls and I sent her a couple pictures. No response. When we met to exchange the girls, she came up and asked me if I had any cash. Apparently she left her wallet at home and had to put gas in her car or something.. she was rambling about needing ID to use a card or something, I didn't really understand what she was saying. She was obviously distressed that she had to ask me, but I did not hesitate. I didn't have a lot on me, but I gave her $10. I offered her more but she wouldn't take it. She asked me if I wanted her to write a check but I told her to forget about it.

She also texted me a little later thanking me, and I said "You're welcome".

Hi Blindsided,

That little incident of helping her with gas money was actually a good, small start at Plan A efforts. She thanked you, which I think is more recognition than you've received in awhile.

Before commenting to you further here, I wanted to address black-raven's comment about why to continue to try to Plan A your exW. Black-raven, I don't think Plan A concepts need to be limited to reigniting romantic love between two spouses, or winning a spouse back from an affair. I've been suggesting to Blindsided that he try as best as possible to do Plan A, even if there is no chance of them getting back together but maybe only the chance of developing a pleasant and cooperative interaction as parents.

That being said Blindsided, build on the good effort of the other day, and keep going the extra mile. Speaking of which, I've reignited my workout program and am going that 'extra mile' with to-date - a full regimine that I've managed to keep up with for a month and a half - arm curls, bicycle, back pushups, leg lunges, etc., and I feel stronger today than I have in a lot of years., and I'll be 72 this Sat. I started this about three years ago, but never went beyond two weeks. I feel I could wrestle with a Bengal tiger now, but the Lord may disagree and I'm laid out with cardiac arrest, but I do feel good! *s* Point is, your efforts should continue to be to make your ExW feel comfortable and safe around you - NO MATTER What Your FEELINGS are at the time. I realize this is a totally new approach for you, and DO NOT expect any immediate results! But, such efforts may very well demonstrate to her that you are a much better choice than her OM.

Take care,

Tom

You did ok. Plan A is a series of steps. One step does not alone does not do much but they will and do add up.

I got a text yesterday. It seems that my xW is leaving our girls with her parents in Arizona for two weeks while she and the POSOM go on vacation to our home state of NY (and Niagara Falls, I've heard). Of course I find this out through her father. Hmmm. I wonder if the POSOM proposes in Niagara Falls. How romantic. I proposed on July 4 and we were married a year later on July 6. Wouldn't that be awesome.

I'm also puzzled why she thinks out girls are going to be able to handle two weeks without either of their parents, for the first time ever. She doesn't know much about kids, or just doesn't care. I am going to have to get that $600 repair done to my truck so I can at least go see them the middle weekend. I'm not happy about this.

If it makes you feel better about the girls, my wife and I leave the kiddos with my parents for a week or two with my parents every summer. Kiddos love it and my parents love it.

They get grandparents spoiling them and build those memoriestthat will last a lifetime.