What will determine if he is a renter or a buyer is if he is willing to work on making a better marriage or not. Invite him to join you in this program.

This would be disastrous.
All that needs to be said is that the porn and the lying hurt and you need them to stop. If you say any more than that you risk making your own Lovebusters. And you don't need to get deeper into his feelings to try to understand why he does these things. They hurt you and he needs to stop. That's it.

Yes I agree. I think that he lies out of fear, fear I will leave due to his past baggage. So he puts on a mask to try to look good. Got some good advice from a friend (the wife I mentioned above) that going to try (thought I'd share) (C-her hubby, D=mine):

You asked a question that I interpreted as wanting an answer "How do I trust." So, I will answer that question by simply remembering what Paul said in 1 Cor 13 "Love doesn't keep score." Jesus also answered this question when asked how many times is a person supposed to be forgiven. The answer for me is always the same. I forgive just as many times as Ct has forgiven me. I still constantly make the same choices (I put me and my life above Him and what He'd like me to do). Even though Ct said He'd never leave me, I still worry that at some point I will do something that's a dealbreaker. But because He keeps His promise, I can keep mine. I told *** when we married I'd never walk away "For better For worse." That doesn't mean I take the hits when he does stuff he knows he gave his word he wouldn't. It means that there's no dealbreaker in our relationship

If he did something, he needs to be held accountable, make amends, and try not to repeat. He's human, a guy, may make the same mistake and you need to recognize that.

That's the point of marriage. There's a security that says he can be who he is, warts and all, because he knows there's no dealbreaker. The trick is to remind him that whatever is was that he did hurt you....but keeping his heart intact. You give what you'd like to have if it was you, not what he deserves. It isn't easy, but is so much more worth it than giving him what-for. It be the same security you have. You can be you, warts and all and he will still be there in the morning

C had gotten in the habit of lying to me because he knew while we were dating I had a rule, it would have been a dealbreaker. I wasn't going to be involved with someone who has a drug problem. Been there, done that ride, wasn't doing it again. It wasn't until the deal was done that I found out I'd been swindled. He had great intentions, but no plan for follow-through.

So, whatever D did, you two need to figure out a safe harbor where tough issues can be discussed with no fear. He's the kind of guy that knows the husband-wife 2-step who is very task-oriented. You can tell him "You did (>>>>>) that hurt me, please don't do that again. He will nod his head and agree because he doesn't want to hurt you. But unless he can see the process how he got there to hurt you, he's not going to see how to fix it. us girls, that part comes easy. It be how God made us. You have to be careful with his heart, just as you would like him to be careful with yours. If he's feeling like he's being attacked, he's gong to say whatever he has to to make it go away.

So he thinks you married him for the mask that he wore, the image he sees himself. If you really married him for what is underneath, you need to share that with him....even when what is underneath isn't pretty, has thorns and makes you bleed.That's where vulnerability comes in. Guys don't do it well, especially in relationships because that means feelings territory.
Say "Hey, you're doing (....) again, but without reacting with the pain. He already knows (....) hurts you. but if you haven't created a safe place for him to land, he's gong to get skittish. If you have a dog, and he's done something he shouldn't and runs from you, you won't be able to correct him with harsh words. All he will do is run from you, cower in a corner and wait for you to stop. D isn't much different.

If you can't allow him to remove the mask and see him for who he is, you have a big problem. Truth is, he wears a mask because he learned it was good protection. Not smart, but he sees it as necessary. So either you can give him what you'd like to have if it was you, or walk away. It is what the world would expect you to do, after all, it is what he deserves after what he's put you through. Or, you can look beyond the masquerade, see the man underneath, and see him as Ct sees him, a man worth saving.

That is how you re-build trust. By being there, being constant. You don't put your trust in D. You put it in Ct, and let Ct do the work in his heart.

D is a man, mortal flawed. Just like you. You give him what you would like to have and over time, he will give you himself.

Believe me, I get it. I really do. But he knows that you could walk away, he might even be expecting you to. And why not? Look at all the reasons why. But don't look at what's gone behind. There's nothing he can do to change that. Look ahead, look honestly at what could be. I know him well enough that over time, he will see that he can be himself, that he doesn't need to be a man on a stage, putting on an act. That who he is will be enough for you. He works hard, seeks to make sure you and Elijah have what you need.

Lying is a choice, but is also a flaw. I'll bet you if you were to ask him why, he may not be able to tell you. If he knows that the answer will make you more mad, he may just decide that it isn't worth the fight.

So, will you prove him right? That you will be just like others? Or will you provide him a safe landing so that he can see that you really love him. Just as lying is a choice, so is love. You have to take all of him or none at all

That is where trust starts. You said you can't trust him. Maybe he doesn't trust you, either. Why be vulnerable with you when you are just gong to walk away?

Ok, so he finally decided to bare that part of his heart with you. You weren't satisfied with the surface answer, you wanted the truth. When he gave it to you, what was your reaction?
And for the record, I'm not saying his actions are right

Ok, so he's come as far as trying to put into action that he believes you that you care more about the inside than the outside. But then you're going to turn around and say that if he trips up, that's it. You're done? That isn't a reasonable expectation.

He's going to trip up. Good news, it is an opportunity for you to prove that you really want what is underneath the mask. So eventually over time he will come to realize he doesn't need to, that he can be real, that he doesn't need a game face

If you really believe that there is good in him, then that is what you focus on. He's buried it under so many layers as a means of protection that you are going to have to dig. And what you expect to find/hear you will see/hear to the exclusion of all else. If you really want a happy ever after, it takes work. He will give you all he's got, including his heart. Question is, are you willing to work for it? If you aren't willing to stick it out, to bring out the man you see inside, then walk away. He doesn't trust that you will be different than others, and in the end, you will give him reason to stay protected. Marriage takes work. In his case, there's a garden that's completely overgrown with brambles, thistles, snakes and other creapy things that bite. you want that garden, that happy ever after? Help him clear the land. You can only do that by stepping up, saying "yup. you did it again. That didn't feel too good. But just as much as Ct has forgiven me, I will forgive you. Together we will help you do better." EACH AND EVERY TIME. God doesn't have a dealbreaker. He forgives each and every time NO MATTER WHAT. That is what the marriage covenant is about. If you can't bring that, then walk away. The least you can do is be just as honest as you want him to be.

I could have walked away each time C would come home high. He'd broken his word. But I gave my word, a vow before God. Our relationship isn't based on what my huband does. It is based on what God does and what kind of wife God expects me to be. I don't have to take his choices and the affects. He still has to be accountable and ther eare consequences. My leaving isn't one of them, never will be

You have a choice before you. Both of you can choose that no matter what, neither of you is going to leave.

We've been at this 11 years. It doesn't get easier, but he keeps getting up and trying, but only because he knows I won't walk away. It's my job to be his helpmeet. To help him be the best man he can be.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got came from C's best friend. He knows C very well, and told me once about 5 years ago that part of the reason we were still struggling with this is he'd make a choice, I'd get mad, forgive him, but there weren't any consequences. Now there are. He doesn't get a free ride just because I made a vow. But that vow means that he has a solid base on which to build. He has the security to know that I believe in him regardless of what he does. I've learned to listen to him, to know when he needs built up, to be encouraged. If the only time we address the topic is if he's getting hammered, he's going to withdraw. But if I keep my eyes and ears open, I can spot when he did something right and point that out...and only that

I've been deeply hurt, and sometimes he does things that reopen those scars. But I've done the same thing. I'm just as perfect as he is, yet he's never thrown down and walked away.

Part of is I was raised in the Bible. I know full well what forgiveness means. But I had forgotten that just as the Bible is full of examples of how often God forgives and keeps His promises, I'd missed the parts where He never lets sins slide

Here is what happens: C would get high, pretend he's ok. But I know, because he's got tells. Then he'd sleep excessively. Then within a week we'd end up in an argument that was ALWAYS MY FAULT. Then about 2 weeks later he's come completely unglued, fly into a rage, again, MY FAULT. I've been here before, and he knows I said I wouldn't be here again. I'd push back, then the storm would subside. The longest stretch he's gone is 59 days and that was just in the last 6 months.

Consequences started with he needed to be held accountable. He couldn't continue to treat me that way; he was escalating in his anger bursts. And while I could see the causes, I knew intimately the cure. I, too, used to be very angry and it was always other people's fault. It took losing my kids and 3 years of thereapy to change that, God had a lot to do in my heart. There was so much of my past that was affecting my present. That had to change. So, I remembered what I learned, abut how to separate reality from the fear. If he exploded, he'd have to go for a walk and cool off (I wouldn't let him drive). Or I'd go for a walk. I'd use the time in prayer, to honestly look at things from God's point of view, what does He want me to do. C also is now required to talk to one of his close friends so in guyspeak, he can process what he did and how to make amends. He doesn't get to throw things when he gets mad, he doesn't get to take it out on me. Now that he has full-time work and will taking on side jobs, he has to figure out how to deal with life sober, because this new job and going forward hinges on it. He has to sit down with his accountability partners and start doing step studies and doing Bible study so he knows how do things better.

As for how I've stuck it out, as I said, when he'd get angry, I'd retreat. He had to go find God to come find me. I'd remember I'm just as perfect in God's eyes, and just as much as I've been forgiven, I needed to forgive. I needed to let God work in his heart, but most important, give him what he needed, not what he deserved. I still needed to be careful with his heart, to separate the actions from the man. God still thinks he's redeemable, and that's what I focus on

One of the most important illustrations about how God forgives comes from a story I heard. It is in a book a woman wrote. She'd had an abortion when she was younger and kept wrestling with it. How could God forgive her? How could anyone fogive her? She said one night she had a dream. There's God, sitting on His throne with her little girl in his lap. The little girl looks down from heaven, looks up at God, and asks, "Why is Mommy crying?" God says, I forget."

So you can do the same thing you'd done before, with the same results, or you can do something different. If your trust starts in someone who's wearig a mask to protect himself, your're starting off wrong. If you start by trusting in the One who promises to never leave you, then you have a solid foundation on which to build.

For that, you are going to have to work for it. Since he's leaned that his mate will at some point walk away because of something aobut him, he's learned to present a face that will be acceptable. You are going to have to show him what it looks like to trust, to be what he could be.

At no matter how long you've been married, that urge to run never goes away. But I've my default that when I do run, I run straight to my heavenly Father, knowing I can take my hurt and He will make it better

Do you trust that God will keep his promises, that everything works together for good, for his glory?
Do you want to be at the end of the chapter where D readjusts his heart settings and has you to thank for sticking my him?

So, you found a fa�ade. Do you also see the sign God hung that says "under construction?" Every construction site has warnings all over the place that says to wear a hard hat. There's nothing about armor

Let God take care of your heart, too. It be His specialty, but He has to have ALL the pieces. You don't get to keep a reserve. If you keep an "out," then He can't be all in

That's the problem with getting someone else's dicards. You get the stains, the holes, the boards sticking out

I can't answer you about consequences for D. He's your husband, that's something you are going to have to figure out. But I can remiend you of God'd model to follow. He gave us a "How to succeed in (....)" book. He expects us to follow it, even gave the consequences when we don't But He also allows a do-over button. The only thing that's a dealbreaker with Him is not accepting His gift of eternal life. He gave all He had to give that. But he leaves the choice up to us. No mater what C does, I am to forgive him. The only time that I will walk away is if he hits me. That's Biblical grounds and he knows it. I also do not walk alone. I look to some close friends who have walked to same road I've done, and are still married. For me, I have two goals: I want to be the one at the end of the chahpter, when the construction sign comes down, to be able to say "I was there." I will be the one cheering the loudest. Every time when C make his choices and I run to the Father with y hurt, He brishes away my tears, then says, I got this. And because I got this, so do you."

And I never forget as much as I am forgiven, so do I need to forgive. At the end of my days, I am going to leave a legacy. I want above al else for others to see Ct in me. Marriage is earth's example of heavenly grace. It isn't about me and what he does to me. It is more about how I respond to him.I let God take care of what's broken. It is my job to make sure there's nothing else that breaks. It's my job to build him up. Oh, C tried to hide beneath layers, too. I told him from the start that I can see right through them. And every time he tries to, I finds me right beside him, reminding him he doesn't need his masks, his crutch, he can stand tall and proud. But at the same time, he does that for me. And that is what will happen to you ....if you just stick it out

D is one of the good guys, but he needs you to remind him of his good just as much, if not more, of his bad. And don't be bringing up repeat stuff. He knows when he screws up, he needs to lknow that he just needs to stand back up and try again.

Agree especially with me. Gotta try this as never have.

Yeah I am Judgmental without even knowing it most of the time frown Is one of my weaknesses.

I did introduce the Basic Concepts and Policy of Honesty to him last night. Will ask him about doing more of this and see but am sure he's willing to do any course/books to help us. As we have tried others.

That is a longer way for you to say you need to give him space to tell you the truth. Your house hold should be a place where the truth can live. Dr. H doesn't talking a lot about God in his content but like every science his research is proof that God works.

With that be aware that God's care is not unconditional and he does expect yours to be either. Dr. H does a good job explaining that in this article. Don't nit pick the article just know the underline truth is right on point.

Not sure I agree that when he first lied that was due to "need to give him space to tell you the truth." As we had no issues when it all started. In his words he was afraid I would leave him from past experience not something I was doing/not doing...so was my commitment he questioned.

Do you know what past experiences he was talking about?