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I know I may sound cold and uncaring, but I do love him and care about him. He is my best friend. I just need more time around him (even if it is just two minutes here and there) to decide if this man is even worthy of my love and companionship again. My intentions need to be solid before I implement no contact. You don't sound "cold and uncaring;" you sound desperate to hang onto a man who has moved on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Honestly? I'm prioritizing all the responsibilities and stress in my life. I'm probably avoiding no contact because it will cause me grief and put a damper on the happy routine I have created for myself. I'm also keeping my options open. I'm moving on, but not necessarily on or away from him. I'm just moving on with being happy and living my life. My life has changed so much and I need to figure out if there is a permanent place for him here again.
Since I am being completely honest, I reveled in his love for me. I cherished the way he treated me. I took great pride in our relationship, our marriage. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage and I loved having them think that. I loved being married to him. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but now people will look at me differently, look at us differently as a couple. My relatives have already written him off for hurting me. These same people thought he was the greatest man. I don't want people feeling sorry for me...oh look, there they go...you know he cheated on her. I feel like they would view me as being unlovable, or feel like there must have been something wrong with me.
I too just need to figure it all out. My marriage has been severely damaged.
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Honestly? I'm prioritizing all the responsibilities and stress in my life. I'm probably avoiding no contact because it will cause me grief and put a damper on the happy routine I have created for myself. I'm also keeping my options open. What will cause you grief is his affair and his continued rejection of you as a wife.Plan B protects you from all that. Hanging around waiting for his leftover scraps will cause you more than grief, it will cause emotional and physical problems. Hanging around as an option lessens your options because it makes you even less attractive to your husband. Check this out: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly.
That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns.
Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.
Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.
If your husband goes through with his plan to divorce you, he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. But you will be far less impacted by the emotional fallout if you are in plan B at the time. Don't assume that his actions are your fault. You have done everything you can to get him back. All you can do now is to protect yourself from your husband's second biggest mistake of his life -- his affair.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You sound numb but the pains are not over yet because you leave the door open to an armed attacker.
You're not ready to let go and seem to want more pain. Come back when you are, hopefully before it's not too late
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I will, thanks for not rejecting me too. It is good to have a safe place.
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I will, thanks for not rejecting me too. It is good to have a safe place. WOS, please understand that no one is rejecting you. I am trying to wake you up!! I see a very nice lady who is sitting on the train tracks with her fingers in her ears going LA-LA-LA-LA while the train is coming full steam ahead! You are in serious denial, my friend. You are in the habit of ignoring problems, which makes them WORSE. Conflict avoidance creates more conflict. In this case, it will bring you emotional and physical HARM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you going to try Plan B? Is that what you mean?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes. I'm officially in plan B. He called me this morning to talk about some things and I realized that I do still have that hope there...it is there every time he calls about the girls or I see him during games or exchanges. I told him it would be easier for me I didn't see or talk to him. He just got really quiet. I told him I hoped he understood my feelings and that I still meant everything I had said in my letter. He reluctantly agreed, but when I asked if we could alternate games, he said no, he wanted to be at every one. It would really hurt me to miss this exciting time of my children's life.  I don't know what to do about that. Here's to hoping I can remain strong!! I feel good about this decision.
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I would send him a Plan B letter that specifies no contact and designates an intermediary. In the letter you would also ask him not to enter the home and cement that by changing your locks.
Do you have someone who can act as an intermediary? Another important thing would be to send him a visitation schedule. How old are your kids?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The original plan B letter I drafted a month ago and just gave to him, specifies and requests no contact. The only person we know to act as an intermediary would be my mom, which she has agreed to. He will not come here and I have no reason not to believe he would respect my wishes. The kids are young...elementary school. He calls every night to say goodnight to them and I will have to turn the speaker off from now on, so as not to hear his voice. I will also not say goodnight. I will have to teach them how to hang up on the iPhone!
The visitation schedule is set. He will drop them off at my moms when he has them. There might have to be a text or two in there at some point in the future, but I imagine this can also be done through my mom.
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WOS, I mean a REAL Plan B letter. You haven't given him that. You have been in touch this whole time. I would RE-WRITE the letter because you have only showed him in several ways that you were not serious. He can't take you seriously if you are not serious. I bet you even told him in the letter to contact you about the children, right? That is not Plan B. There might have to be a text or two in there at some point in the future, but I imagine this can also be done through my mom. If you are texting or allowing his texts to get to you, then you are not in Plan B, you are in Plan C. [for "compromise"] I am not at all convinced you are serious about this. How about posting the letter you gave him and let us help you rewrite it in a serious manner. What does your mother know about being an intermediary? Will she agree to act as a spam filter and only pass on pertinent information about kids and finances in her own words?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will also help you write something in it about attending the kids' games. He should at least have the decency of sparing you the pain of his presence after the despicable thing he has done to you and the kids.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would also set your kids down and explain Plan B to them. Let them know that their dad's affair has been so painful to you that you cannot be around him anymore. Make sure they understand how much his cruel, selfish behavior devastates you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It was a real plan B letter...to the T and it was written in the most serious manner possible. I printed out several samples and drafted one in my own words. I've had it ready. I just now found out about the affair as of only a few days ago, so gave it to him just the other day.
As for the texts, they will cease. There is no reason for us to contact each other. I don't know what I'm going to do about the games. I sat far away from him at the last game...but I may just have to not go, which will make me sad.
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The letter specified no contact.
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It was a real plan B letter...to the T and it was written in the most serious manner possible. I printed out several samples and drafted one in my own words. I've had it ready. I just now found out about the affair as of only a few days ago, so gave it to him just the other day. But you understand how confusing it is to hear this when you just spoke to him this morning? The fact that you just spoke to him today indicates you weren't serious about no contact. Did you have a plan in place to avoid his calls and attempts at contact?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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After this woman's man showed up on my doorstep and the affair became known to me...I asked my husband to come over and face me the very next evening. He apologized, we talked...etc. etc. I gave him the letter because it was appropriate. I wasn't thinking no contact at the time, but I did want to let him know he was welcome back to rebuild the marriage if he ended the affair. All of this was in the letter. The no contact was already in the letter, but I didn't decide no contact until just this morning. Trust me he knows I'm serious. It didn't take much explaining, because he already had an idea of how it worked from the letter.
This isn't going to be very complicated. He won't try to reach me. In fact, this will most likely push him farther away. Whatever. At least I won't have to deal with it.
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Do you have a plan in case he tries to call you again? How will you block his contact?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not pick up. So here's a question, if he tries to call and tell me he wants to talk about coming home, how will I know he is ready if I have no contact with him?
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