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Not pick up. So here's a question, if he tries to call and tell me he wants to talk about coming home, how will I know he is ready if I have no contact with him? He would need to discuss that with your IM. Most waywards will make an offer to "discuss" reconciliation when they see you are serious about Plan B, but it takes a while of testing you before they really end the affair. He won't like losing control of you and will resist. I expect him to say "how can we know if we want to get back together in the future if we don't talk??" He will do anything to avoid giving up his affair partner and committing to your conditions of recovery. Your IM has to stand strong and not let you know about the false overtures.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So when he tells your IM he wants to speak to you, she needs to be a broken record and say: 1. have you ended your affair?
2. are you willing to commit to a program of recovery?
If not, then I won't pass this message onto walkingonsunshine. [other than pertinent information about visitation and finances]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks. I know this is the right thing and I know you are right. I just feel so terribly sad it has come to this. I can move on, but I know this is going to be very hard, especially if he becomes ok with the no contact.
Thanks for being here for me these past few days. I wouldn't have been able to do it without all of your support...everyone that posted. MelodyLane you have given me the tools I need to get through this.
I will check in and let you know how everything is going.
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You have been so very brave, WOS! I know you will do great. You won't feel so sad in a few weeks, I promise. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks. I know this is the right thing and I know you are right. I just feel so terribly sad it has come to this. I can move on, but I know this is going to be very hard, especially if he becomes ok with the no contact.
Thanks for being here for me these past few days. I wouldn't have been able to do it without all of your support...everyone that posted. MelodyLane you have given me the tools I need to get through this.
I will check in and let you know how everything is going. You're doing the right thing and we will be here for you. Self care is a very important part of plan B. Do you have anything planned for this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So far I am fine emotionally, but I know I have options. Thanks for asking...I imagine this is about to get really hard and ugly. I have a feeling this is just going to make him angry and hate me instead of missing me. Oh well, I guess it is, what it is.
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So far I am fine emotionally, but I know I have options. Thanks for asking...I imagine this is about to get really hard and ugly. I have a feeling this is just going to make him angry and hate me instead of missing me. Oh well, I guess it is, what it is. I doubt he will miss you because he is checked out. He will get angry when he realizes he no longer has you under his control, waiting around as his option. Placating him by being around all the time does not make you more attractive, it makes you less attractive.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for the reminder! This is hard. As for waiting around as an option, isn't that kind if what the plan B letter implies? The letting him know when he is ready to come back and rebuild the marriage? Or does plan B put fear and doubt in his head that I might be moving on without him and he doesn't have much time to decide?
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Thanks for the reminder! This is hard. As for waiting around as an option, isn't that kind if what the plan B letter implies? The letting him know when he is ready to come back and rebuild the marriage? Plan B tells him he can't come back unless he meets your conditions. It is telling him that his return is conditional - on your conditions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, I appreciate it. Trying to focus on preparing my brief this morning and I think I am going into withdrawal. Looks like I have a lot of work to do on myself!! I shouldn't be this needy and dependent on someone for bits and pieces of their love! I am stronger and better than this! If I feel this way about me, gee I wonder what he thinks. Maybe he has just been nice to me recently because he feels guilty about hurting me and now that he doesn't have to feel guilt anymore he can finally move on himself. Why do I feel like I am the one ending the marriage. Sorry just having a bad day.
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Isn't it interesting that you feel like you are ending the marriage when it is him who has chosen to walk out on you for an affair? In reality you have put an end to his cake eating at your expense and taken back control of your life. If he agrees to your conditions, he can come back, though. So, no you are not ending the marriage unless he won't meet your conditions. And if he won't do that, then you are better off divorced.
What Plan B does is gives you a feeling of detachment that helps you make sound decisions. If this does go to divorce, you will feel much better about making that decision.
I know you miss him this morning. Hang in there, my friend, you will miss him less and less as time goes on. In a couple of weeks, you will feel better than you have in a while!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, I appreciate it. Trying to focus on preparing my brief this morning and I think I am going into withdrawal. Looks like I have a lot of work to do on myself!! I shouldn't be this needy and dependent on someone for bits and pieces of their love! I am stronger and better than this! If I feel this way about me, gee I wonder what he thinks. Maybe he has just been nice to me recently because he feels guilty about hurting me and now that he doesn't have to feel guilt anymore he can finally move on himself. Why do I feel like I am the one ending the marriage. Sorry just having a bad day. One reason is because he has Gaslighted you for so long it's hard to know fact from fiction. Have you seen this? Please Explain Gaslighting It will get better with time. We promise.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I will, thanks for not rejecting me too. It is good to have a safe place. WOS, please understand that no one is rejecting you. I am trying to wake you up!! I see a very nice lady who is sitting on the train tracks with her fingers in her ears going LA-LA-LA-LA while the train is coming full steam ahead! You are in serious denial, my friend. You are in the habit of ignoring problems, which makes them WORSE. Conflict avoidance creates more conflict. In this case, it will bring you emotional and physical HARM. Reposting for emphasis. I have recently read through your entire thread and am very glad MelodyLane stuck with you despite the times you have ignored her and other's advice. I say this and reposted the quote above because I am concerned that if you don't acknowledge this (that you have a history of ignoring problems/denial) that you will continue this pattern. The number of times you posted that you were "happy" while your WH is basically spitting in your face stunned me. I have been in your shoes, and trust me that Plan B is the only option if you want to save your health and sanity. You NEED this forum. Please don't disappear again. If you are tempted to contact your WH (which you will be) please post here and we will help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Do you have a plan in case he tries to call you again? How will you block his contact? This was not answered.  Loopholes cannot be glossed over. Your WH most likely already doesn't take your Plan B seriously, since you gave him the letter a while ago and then continued contact with him. He will break your PB if you don't take steps to prevent it. So....please answer the questions.
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This isn't going to be very complicated. He won't try to reach me. In fact, this will most likely push him farther away. Whatever. At least I won't have to deal with it. You are clearly very educated and intelligent. Unfortunately what I have found over the years that often these types of posters are the ones that cannot get out of their own way and ignore important advice. We can more accurately predict what your WH is going to do at this point than you can. Why?? Because we have seen the same thing over and over and over again, hundreds if not thousands of times. Waywards all behave the same way. Your WH has been cake-eating and getting his way, and he's not going to like your Plan B....not one bit. Please set aside your own ideas and listen to those of us know have been through this. Yes, he will test your Plan B. If he can get through, he will not take you seriously and it will be THAT MUCH harder for you to ever go dark and get peace from this nightmare.
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Here is a post by the amazing SMB about Plan B that I think you should take a look at : Look at it this way. Plan B is a statement about YOU and YOUR LIFE. Say to yourself: He's crazy. I'm not. His wayward craziness is making me crazy, so I must remove myself from it to keep me sane.
See? That's all Plan B is. Removing yourself from the drama/craziness/wacked-out/fence-sitting/waffling/babbling/fog of the wayward so that you can remain sane...or regain your sanity.
Earlier you said everyone keeps saying to focus on fixing yourself, and you asked HOW. I have a bit of a different take on the "fix yourself" philosophy that is sometimes posted around here.
I was not broken and in need of fixing just because my husband decided to have an affair. So I do not assume that other BS's are broken and need fixing either. I think we should instead ask ourselves how to REMAIN UNBROKEN while dealing with a wayward nut. When we Plan A too long or indefinitely, we risk being so damaged by their abuse that we then do need "afixing".
So HOW do we protect ourselves from being damaged by their wayward abuse?
PLAN B!!!!!
Once you are removed from the whims of a wayward, you will begin to regain some balance and will gradually build up your strength again.
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Sun you are close, very close. But not quite there. You are 'trying' Plan B instead of DOING Plan B.
Take it as seriously as you would want him to take recovery. Make contact as impossible as you would want it to be with OW. Set your price at the level you want him to value you.
Until you see word from your IM that an NC letter is drafted, you don't even want to see his phone number on your phone. Or to hear his name spoken. You are too busy building a solo life until you are given reason not to.
Concentrate on YOU. You're worth it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I kept checking all day for comments/posts and didn't see anything because I kept hitting refresh on the wrong page  I will read everything and respond as soon as possible. I am going out of town soon. Had a difficult day today. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I am sad and I am mad. I am really angry at him. Very angry! Thanks so much for thinking of me today.
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My IM bailed on me! I dont have a close relationship with my mom and I had a feeling this was going to happen. She told me today she is absolutely not acting as a go-between. I had to text him to come get their suitcases, instead of going to my moms. I will not be seeing him, but I broke NC by coordinating the pickup. There is nobody else who can do this for me here.
What can I do now? I can still have him do drop offs by just leaving their bags outside and having them walk in themselves, that way I won't see him. I honestly don't think he wants anything to do with me. He knows the damage he has done and doesn't want to make things worse, I'm sure. He was short in his texts.
In response to the conflict-avoidance thing. Yes, I suppose I am when it comes to the relationship with my husband. I have adopted that to avoid fighting or conflict I guess. I never noticed it before, and I am probably the cause of all of this. That is something I need to work on.
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