My wife has continually told me that I need to talk to her about the things that I've done that have hurt her or we'll never get through our troubles. I have approached this from my perspective and talked until I'm blue in the face and have nothing more to say. What I'm discovering is that I'm not really "talking" with her, I'm talking "at" her. I have confessed my sins to her numerous times but our conversations never really get to the conversing part where we are actually talking in an intimate way. I've always struggled to talk intimately with my wife and I'm not really sure why. I did have a girlfriend in my dating years that was someone that I could just talk to for hours on end. I've never experienced that with my wife, even when we were first dating over 30 years ago. I'd like to get your ideas on intimate conversation and what works, what doesn't work and why I'm not connecting with my wife.

You likely had no troubles speaking with the girlfriend, because your problems were not with her. Had you married her, you would be in the same position you are with your wife.

The only solution is not to TALK about troubles of the past, but if you talk about the past, let it be to PREVENT and SOLVE those same problems in the future. Dr. Harley does not recommend talking about the past if it is just that. But you may want to fill out the questionnaires on this website to discover what hurts your wife and how you can prevent that in the future. No happy wife will but her husband about the past, because there is nothing you can do about it. But you can LEARN from it.

Just 1. stop lovebusting, 2. fill her love bank and yours by taking her out on romantic and fun dates and 3. learn how to negotiate succesfully. Friday's radio show was about that.
Once you fall in love, you will have no trouble sharing your feelings with your wife.

In the mean time, ask her how she feels about various subjects and listen to what she has to say and try to understand her point of view.

Read about friends and enemies of good conversation and what to do if conversation becomes unpleasant.

If she is still having angry outburst, something should be done about that. That is also the case, is she is using things from the past for the sole purpose to bash you.

The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

dividejim, I would introduce the Marriage Builders policies to her and see if she feels like if you would follow these it would prevent you from doing these things to her again. Get a plan in place that she agrees will prevent these things from ever happening again: a set of rules for you to follow. Once that plan is in place, the two of you need to find some other things to talk about.

Get His Needs Her Needs and read Dr. Harley's chapter on conversation. Focus on practicing the four "friends of good conversation" every day with your wife, for fifteen hours a week, and avoid the four "enemies of good conversation." Read and review the four friends and enemies every day, yourself.

My response is from your wife'so point of view. Are you defensive when you talk about issues? Are you concerned about her feelings and empathetic?

For me, it is nice if my husband acknowledges his problems/mistakes, but I am more interested in how he feels when the issues accur. I want to understand where he is coming from.

Perhaps, your wife's approach is putting you automatically in an angry state? If you are both angry/upset, it is difficult to have intimate conversation.