SusieQ I didn't give him the letter awhile ago. I never tried NC. I just gave him the letter and just started NC yesterday.

As for cake eating, he has never led me on by his words or actions. He has made it clear that his intentions are not in my best interest. It is my own fault that I take a smile or laughter while discussing the kids for a minute, as some sign that things are changing. It is all in my head. I'm not sure if that can be considered cake eating, but if you think so, who am I to argue.

Oh, and the half hour he threw the ball to the girls on Mother's Day and the quick bite to eat as he took me to get a battery. I guess that could be cake eating, but didn't amount to anything. Of course it meant a lot to me, but his intentions toward me hadn't changed. That is all the cake he has had...45 minutes of mindless conversation tops in two months.

He is not upset about Plan B because he knows you are not serious. You have told him twice "no contact" and then proceeded to have contact.

Do you have a good friend who could do this? They don't even have to live close.

The point is that he knows he can always contact you at will. You are sitting by waiting for his contact and will not prevent it. He knows he is in control, which is what a WS wants. It is when the control is removed that they become upset.

What plan B does for you among other things is, that you will be elusive to your husband. Instead of you sitting around, wondering if he will call and give you crumbs that will keep you longing a bit more. Instead of that, your husband will have the chance to wonder what exciting new things you are doing while he cannot reach you.

Plan B take the madness away from you so you will have peace after some time. Give him the chance of not seeing you as the one who is there anyway.

I never told him no contact before. This is the first time he has ever heard NC from me. The other day was the first day he read the letter, the NC portion of the letter didn't apply, because it wasn't even on my mind. It was something I had written a while ago, after I found the phone bill. Even so, we didn't have contact after I gave him the letter other than when I called him Sat to tell him it would be easier on me to have no contact. Thank you ladies!! I just have keep remembering that. In fact, I am going to print out theses last two posts.

No one close by 3 hours is closest.

This is very frustrating, because you have repeatedly told us you sent a Plan B letter. The purpose of a Plan B letter is to a) cut off all contact and b) give him conditions for contacting you again.

did you send a Plan B letter or NOT?

Like I said, the person does not need to live close by. Will this person agree to be your IM?

All communication is conveyed via email so it does not matter WHERE the person lives.

I would line up your intermediary and then send a REAL Plan B letter. You can alter this one to suit your purpose:

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other mater, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

That is the one I used.

There has got to be some miscommunication here. I find myself repeating the same thing. Describing the same timeline.

End of March - wrote the letter after I accused him of cheating, never sent it. Exposed to family and friends. Decided to believe him that nothing was going on. He NEVER got the letter until...just the other day after I found out the truth. NC ever since. Until today, when IM bailed.

Ok, I don't have time to go back and STUDY your words AGAIN, so can you just post the letter you sent him?

It is that letter almost word for word only in my own words and from my heart. Do you not believe he received my letter? It was three pages long, hand written. I am not posting the letter, since you pulled the sample I used.

Besides, I didn't take a picture of the letter. Should I get it back from him. I even included two pictures in it. One from our wedding day and one as a family.

So how do we do drop-offs and games?

ok, I think I understand now. I have had to read and re-read your posts several times just to GET the facts straight on your Plan B.

So the problem remains that you don't have an IM, right? Have you asked your friends for volunteers? Do you have someone who would volunteer to act as a neutral presence who only will pass on pertinent information about visitation and finances? This person would act as a spam filter.

I am very sorry about the miscommunication. I try to make quick posts and then run back to tending to my kids. I don't have anyone that would/could do that. Maybe I can just set a fixed schedule and we can stick to it. Our lives are relatively routine...I think it might work. I put a note in the suitcase...very generic, explaining (i.e., field day Thu, must wear tennis shoes). That way I didn't have to text or call.

Typically, immediate family members dont work well as Intermediaries in Plan B.

Since you don't remember what you wrote in your Plan B letter, you may want to write another one and COPY THE LETTER IN THE BOOK.
In the letter, provide the contact info for the IM.
If you don't have an IM, you cannot be/ are not in Plan B.

This is a good idea but it will not work.
dr. Harley's Plan B is very specific and there can be no direct contact.
You need to find an IM ASAP