Hi all, my wife and I have been together for 17 years. Back at the end of January of this year my wife told me she wants to separate. She told me she cheated on me before we got married and when I asked her if she had an affair during the marriage, she said no. We went to pick our 7 year old daughter from daycare and on the way, she told me she had an affair that lasted 4.5 years. It ended last August. We continued to live together for financial reasons for 2 more months. She helped me pack, even though I treated her like trash and even found me a place to live. (Did I forget to mention she has herpes)? Says she contracted it before we met. We had sex maybe 6 times a year when married and a little more before marriage. She used to lay in bed crying before marriage because of the lack of sex. We would fight a lot in front of our daughter. A few years ago, she suggested counselling I said no. Funny, because I've been in and out of counselling a lot in my life. I'm 42 she is 41. My dilemma here is when I first moved out, we hung out the three of us with me hoping we would eventually get back together. Well I don't think so, because come August, she wants to go to her herpes group in Portland where they 'hook up' together. She keeps asking me to have dinner every second Sunday as a family but I tell her I don't want to look at her never mind see her or talk to her. I'm feeling quite stressed not knowing if I should be nice for the sake of our daughter and have dinner or keep ignoring her. It's not difficult for me to see my child. I pick her up from day care Friday nights and drop her off to her moms Sunday night. I don't see her during the week because it's my exs time with her but for me it's not enough time.
Any ideas would be appreciated :-)
Thanks.

Hi, Confused 2014,

First, I'm new to this so bear with me but there are similarities, in feelings, to my own situation and I can't help but to identify with you . . .

I am sorry you are going through this after 17 years. I know I might be stating the obvious; your wife hurt you. If you have come a decision that the marriage is beyond repair and you are at peace with that decision, then the only thing that is left is what is best for you and your daughter. You mentioned that you two were trying to kinda make things work until your wife expressed to you that she was going to a group in Portland; if she said she was not going after all would you be open to reconcile?

You state your dilemma as whether you should be nice to her or continue to ignore her. Considering your timeline from the beginning of your separation in proportion to the length of your marriage, everything is very new. It is May, and if I am correct, you moved out in end of March or maybe beginning of April of this year. Give yourself time. Personally, I think you need time to be angry, pissed, sad, to be free to feel whatever it is you are feeling. That does not mean your wife should be a figurative whipping post (you treated her like trash) for your hurt and disappointment or otherwise be on the receiving end of any anger. Being mean is never helpful to a situation regardless of whether you stay together or not. Those feelings will eat at you, don't let that happen to you. (MUCH easier said than done.) Especially if you think your daughter will see this, your daughter may not be able to understand why dad is so angry at mom; don't let that be the image of you your daughter has.

Still, you need time for your process, to figure things out and how you can overcome them for the betterment of you. Then, maybe, you will be able to, constructively, be able to express this to your wife and have closure, if that is something you are seeking.

It does not mean you are a bad person or that you are not doing the "right" thing. Ultimately, you need to be healthy so that you can provide to your daughter (and yourself) a healthy relationship with her and be there for her too. Maybe you are just not ready for the Sunday dinners this soon. And again, I am sure there is more to this (there always it) I do not think I would be able to have Sunday dinners with my spouse either. She dropped a bomb on you, one she knew about for years and now expects for you to deal with in a matter of months(?) Your wife may feel like one Sunday a month is a compromise, but for you it is not right now. You can express to your wife that the idea of Sunday dinner is not off the table forever but for right now, you are not ready. You two can revisit it when you feel better about it. If your main concern is how things appear to your daughter, kids are very perceptive, especially when it comes to their parents. You have fought in front of your daughter, so, she has already seen a lot. There is a middle ground between being nice to your wife and totally ignoring her. It is civility.

Send your wife an email/letter letting her know where you are right now (I do not like you, I do not want to see you, I do not think I can be nice to you in a way which is not fake and "best" for our daughter, I will do my best for our daughter and that is making sure I have a positive relationship with her and letting our daughter know I am here for her .....)
You will be able to say what you want to her and have the distance you want without arguing or seeing her, you get to really think about what you want to say and your wife will not (hopefully) respond immediately. You can also address the need for more time with your daughter and offer suggestions as to how to make that happen for all of you. Hopefully, if your wife really wants what is best for your daughter, she will understand that your daughter going from seeing you everyday to just a weekend might be a rough transition for your daughter too and seeing you more may help your daughter experience the love and support from both parents during this time.

You mentioned you were in and out of counseling, have you considered going back for yourself?

I hope some of this helps (?) If nothing else, give yourself time. Sometimes that can be the hardest thing to do because you just have to wait as time passes and in the meantime, it sucks to be stuck with all those feelings. To wake up and just want the bad/angry/sad/hurt feelings gone . . . it is frustrating. I hope you are able, in time, to find and hold onto peace and hope. Thanks.

Vera

Vera, that was a nice long post, but with all due respect, what does that have to do with Marriage Builders? Can you give me a link on Marriage Builders for this advice you gave?

confused, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. It would be a good idea to consult with a lawyer and get a better visitation plan in place. You do need to protect yourself legally anyway.

And secondly, if seeing your wife upsets you, then stop seeing her. There is absolutely no benefit to staying in direct contact with her. In fact, it makes you a worse parent because of the emotional duress it causes.

Dr. Harley recommends Plan B, which is a completely dark separation for such situations. All pertinent information would be communicated through a neutral 3rd party who acts as a spam filter. IF you followed this plan, you would feel immensely better in a few weeks.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? This book will help you understand the dynamics of her affairs.

Plan B and get tested for STDs. Did you know she had herpes when you married her? Also consult an attorney. You may need to file for separation or divorce.

The reason the suggestion of contact suggests you is because it is a continuation of the attack of the A.

Waywards see no reason why they should not sleep around and then have dinner afterwards with the love of their life. Of course continuing to do this is offensive to you.

She should concentrate on parenting her child, in her own divorced mom's pad, on her own, in her big girl pants. That's the bed she has made.

Meanwhile, use that time to heal or do something fun. Rest from being single parent ot maybe even go on a date when you've had time to heal. Dr H says about two years is the recovery period needed.

Plan B all the way unless you want a ticket to the nuthouse.

Also if you want to remarry, Dr H advises no contact with former spouses as it is offensive to the new partner and causes affairs. Particularly with cheating ones.

MelodyLane, thanks for your quick reply! Sometimes, it is scary to put oneself out there on such personal topics especially on a very first post as a new member. I have been a member for 14 days. I spent the time prior to posting reading all of the articles posted on MB and reading discussions and reply post. Through my readings, I have noticed some members cite particular MB articles while others point to other threads and others offer support, thoughts, encouragement, and understanding (as the MB discussion forum disclaimer states in its opening sentence); because, well, we are all here for, if nothing else, the type of safe environment where we all may do so, no? Though I feel like my post incorporated concepts/ideas provided in MB articles, specifically, take-aways from meeting emotional needs, overcoming resentment, forgiving and forgetting, emotional neglect and what it means to have an empty love bank - from my reading of the post, it seemed like he was open to saving his marriage then after his wife's decision to attend a meeting in Portland, he was closed to the idea. The MB articles about surviving/coping with infidelity are different from articles about walking away. So, I posed the question to him about whether he would be open to saving his marriage if she did not go. As you know, the time and effort spent in saving a marriage is different than the effort to walk away. The poster's decision might guide him as to which final direction to take. You, as a 13 year member, I am sure you are more familiar/well versed with the specific article titles than I, however, give me time and I am sure I can come up to speed! Cheers

Vera, why don't you start your own thread and we can start with the topics that apply to you.

OP is still married

Hi Vera, thank you for the advice. I am in counselling to be a better husband and father, but unfortunately with this woman it seems to be over. It will take me time to get over her for sure, but will make it easier for me to get over her when she tells me she wants to be a single mother. I actually asked her to go to couples counselling but she said it was too late. I think part of the reason is her infidelity. Now I'm finding out she has been lying to me on other occasions as well. Like I mentioned before, I just don't want to disappoint my daughter. Also, my wife found out she had herpes only 1.5 years ago. Fortunately for me, I got 2 types of tests done and they are both negative. I wouldn't reconsile with her unless we went to couples counselling and she got counselling for herself. She is an obese woman that gets people calling her names on occasion just walking down the road, and she says it's quite bothersome. I think she wants to�live a sexual life style because of her insecurities. Anyways, thank you for your input Vera I hope your situation improves as well.

Aaron

confused, just so you know, marriage counseling is virtually worthless when it comes to saving a marriage. This is one of the reasons that Dr. Harley created Marriage Builders. He wanted people to get effective help for their marriages and he knew that was almost impossible with a traditional counselor.

If your wife did want to reconcile, we could help you through the basic steps that would serve to a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic, integrated marriage. All that, of course, is contingent upon a willing partner who is willing to stop her self destructive lifestyle.

The best thing you can do for yourself is get Surviving an Affair and follow the guidelines in there for Plan B. Additionally, you should get with your lawyer and increase your visitation or even get full custody of your children. Children that are raised by single fathers fare much, much better than children raised by single mothers. Children raised by single fathers do AS WELL as children from 2 parent homes.

Hi all, another thing on my mind. Does it really matter if my wife and I legally separate with a mediator or not? Also, does anyone know if both parents can see their child, or do I have to go to mediation?
Thank you.

If you want to Plan B (which I highly recommend) resist the mediator or if your lawyer wants you to, insist the mediator go between different rooms and say you want a parallel parenting plan. Dont sit there with the WS.

For child custody cases you really need a lawyer to represent you and ensure that your legal rights are protected.

Did you read this?
Do you want your children raised by a woman that particpates in a "herpes sex group"?
That sounds crazy to me..

You should take steps to ensure they are raised in a good moral environment and seeing an attorney is your first step.

Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate it :-)