Hi,

This is my first post on this forum. I never really expected that I would need help on marriage because life was so perfect, but recent situations started our marriage to downwards.

I've been with my wife for almost the past 10 years, the last 2 years as married couple and living together. I am 30 years, she is 28. Since a month and a half ago, I was noticing that my wife is becoming quite defensive and frustrated with every argument that I try to make. I was being misunderstood for most of the times especially if we communicate through Skype or SMS while both of us are at work.

We do not yet have children however she always wanted kids and I'm sure she'll be a great mother because she is extremely caring. Recent arguments escalated to the extent that we slept for some days on different beds and she started hating to come home and either stay late at work or plan activities with her friends so that she comes late at home.

We've just been from a nice vacation a month and a half ago and everything was fine, I had some not life-threatining health problems which made the matter somehow worse, because she thought I was not taking care of my health.

During this past month and a half it was a roller-coaster ride, we fought a lot, became quite "aggressive" with each other, both threatened to leave and said some stuff which to hurt each other. During this time we also had fantastic evenings where we talked, we laughed together, we cried, made love and discussed seriously what is going wrong, but the bad days greatly overshadow the few days we had nice.

To summarise everything, she told me that she was pissed off and couldn't take my attitude anymore, I've neglected her, didn't help her with her house stuff, watched too much TV, didn't participate in activities she wanted me to go like walking, didn't say nice things to her and she starting feeling a little bit taken for granted. She said she was going through this from the first few days of marriage and she kept everything inside her until the day she started acting weird.

While fighting and urging I also discovered that she is messaging a guy she used to know from school and this has been going through the past month and a half too. She admitted that she is talking to him and he is helping her out with the situation she has with me. I was angry and furious because she was all the time deleting his messages so that I do not see anything. She also started to use her mobile photo all the time messaging etc.. her sleep time was also reduced drastically and on multiple times she skipped sleep.

She is telling me this guy does not interest her but is listening to what she has to say and make her feel better, she is saying that he is guiding her to come back to me but this is very questionable because I saw some messages and the ugly truth is that she might be seeing him as a helper but I don't.

Anyway, on one night I had called this guy and told him to stay away from my wife because I am trying hard to save my marriage, he explained that he is trying to help her out come to me and that his intentions are good. I told him to back off for some time until I get back on track with my marriage. Only last week I discovered that messages are still going on and I phoned him to meet up.

To put my mind at rest, he showed me some messages and I think the conversation was intensifying, my wife was sending him kisses but to be honest from his part he was being quote cautious, not replying back with kisses. And he told me as agreed he stopped giving her tips on how to repair the marriage after my first call to him.

Over the past few weeks, she added all his friends on Facebook and she became quite close with them. Now after my 2nd contact with this guy, he is no longer speaking to her and all his friends are not speaking to her neither. Now, I think going to meet him was a bad move because she is missing his support, and she is blaming more stuff on me, that I am destroying her.

In the past month and a half, her messages to me became rare and short, before they made my day. She became too defensive, she told me she loves me like a brother, but on other times (especially when making love) she was still saying I love you a lot and I was never this close with anyone else.

Now I am confused, to make matters worse, I involved her sister and her parents to help us out and this is also looking like it was a bad move. Over the past 4 weeks since I've realised how much she means to me and how I was going to loose her, I've changed completely. I've been taking care of her a lot, doing home stuff, cleaning, cooking, not watching tv, sending her flowers at work, say nice things etc... the problem with this is that she is thinking I am fake, all my efforts are like for nothing.

It's worth noting that for 2 years (few months before marriage and a year after marriage) we've worked together in a company of 3 people, working with each other on a constant basis and we both agree that we were abused in this workplace and our relationship was effected by this.

As it stands now, we are talking and trying to speak about stuff which connects us, rather than blaming each other or mention third parties. She honestly said that she does not want anymore more in her life and if we end up our marriage, she wants to stay alone to do stuff she loves most, playing piano, cello etc... which she feels she is not doing enough with the current situation.

To some extent it is working and slowly improving, however there might comes a time where we are back to square one. Fighting and arguing. I love her madly and deep down I think she does too, even though sometimes she says otherwise, especially during fights. She told me at first she didn't want to make an effort herself, but now she also wants to save the marriage and she is doing an effort.

Sometimes I don't see the effort she's doing, but I plan to keep on doing the effort myself and make her realise that we both need each other and that I am sorry for the time I neglected her and her needs unintentionally. She is saying though she needs time, what happened in a year and a half cannot be erased in 4 weeks. I know us males wants things there and then and want to be in control... but what are your thoughts?

I am hoping for much better days soon.

Even before I got to the para about the messages from another guy it sounded very much like the behaviour of someone having an affair. Up one day, down the next - right? She has to rewrite history and blame you for anything and everything to keep her conscience quiet.

It's perfectly correct to confront the OM and to get help from loved ones - unfortunately it wasn't too thorough at killing the A, kind of like taking a pea shooter to a gun fight. Don't worry you can get proof and do a proper exposure.

Now she really has to demonise you in case she leaves you for this guy - she needs an explanation and to cause trouble. I'm sorry to say the A is probably more advanced than you think.

Since the behaviour is continuing it sounds like the affair has gone underground. In order to get the full story, I would act very unsuspicious and implement snooping tools they wouldn't expect - spyware online and on phones and voice recorders in addition to GPS.



Please wake up. Did you think he was going to show you the messages she is sending in the middle of the night that they have to delete?

I'm sorry to say this is just a very common ruse and his boldness with you makes me think he has done this game before. An innocent man would have backed off when you first asked and not had anything to do with the married woman whose husband he is upsetting. Affair partners even make it a habit to send each other innocent-ish messages in case they are snooped on. This happens in pretty much every affair we see - even when the people are very new to adultery!

Is this guy married? When you do a full exposure you may find out he's done this before.

1) You MUST stop fighting with her. Don't rise to any bait, however provocative.
2) Snoop for dear life.
3) Welcome to MB.

I might be on denial but I don't believe she has an affair. I mean she might be linked to this guy emotionally but I don't believe she went that far to sleep with him.

I am still hoping that I can turn things around and make her realise. I don't know how the behaviour of someone having an affair is to be honest but on the other hand, I don't want to go to the extreme to actually track her. I don't believe it will make our relationship any better.

So you think I should just swallow everything and leave?

He's a stranger to you so why would he be interested in 'drawing her back to you'. That's nonsensical - for all he knows you are the worst H in the world and all of her complaints are correct. The real truth is, it is none of his business! Why is he so interested in her problems? Well you don�t have to be a genius.

It's always a red flag when an old acquaintance reappears in times of trouble. They are usually men who just wait for women to have problems they can 'help' with - or take advantage of.

Also, why does she had to delete messages and maintain secrecy if he's such a friend to your marriage?

I have to say, I would never pry into a marriage like that. If on top of making such a mistake with a male friend, his wife was offended by it, I would BACK OFF. I wouldn't need to be told a SECOND time. I would be mortified and would never speak to the guy in any form again! Wouldn't you?

It doesn't add up. Would you behave in such a meddling way with a married woman you knew in high school?
Would it be necessary for any woman to delete your messages?

If a woman sent you a string of complaints about her husband or marriage you wouldn't try to 'draw her back to him' you'd tell her it wasn�t any of your business!

Please snoop, there is more to this.


Without finding out about the affair you are still vulnerable to lies. She would probably switch into nice mode to keep you around, then start up her A again.


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She can't sleep because making contact with him is so important. Think about that.

If he wants to, she won't have much resistance in her. Considering her current behaviour she probably already has.



You most certainly are. This is a big thing to take in.


They talk about how you are a problem. He is never presented as a problem - he is a solution. He's sold a fantasy when she's been vulnerable.

It's impossible for you to make any headway while the A lives. Impossible. The A is perfect fantasy land, you are real life.

I'm sure he enjoyed seeing your pain and how easily confused you were while you had your meeting. He thinks the path is clear.

If you don't track her they will continue to run rings around you, making claims that you are the problem until you are entirely beaten. You probably nearly are.

What are her SPECIFIC complaints about YOU?

Is it an x,y,z list of things you can fix or is it a vague 'I've never been happy'.

If the problmes are unfixable it's because she doesn't want them fixed, she wants to blame you for what she is doing.

No they are things which can be easily fixed and in the past 4 weeks I've gone through a lot to fix this.

But she is saying I am being fake and she needs time to realise.

Se7enSpt,

Welcome to MB. And I want you to know indiegirl is right on point. It doesn't make you relationship worse to snoop unless you don't really want to know the truth.

If nothing is going on (which is not likely) then you can eliminated that from the list of protectional problems. But, we are right and she is having an A then you can bring it into the light, which is you only hope to save you marriage.

A die much faster when exposed. A almost always die a natural death but if you don't push it along it may takes years and by that time you would of learned to hate her and may already be divorced. Snooping save marriages as long as you still want to save your marriage after know the truth.

I'm in deep sh*t it seems. I tried to explain to her that this does not make sense that he wants to help her, when in reality her family are quite close and they all want to help. But she's rejecting all help.

If she's having an affair, it would be a great heartbreak. And I'm not sure how possible it would be to continue after an affair.

Playing for time so she can enjoy the fantasy without facing a decision. Which is not like her, I realise but this is what affairs do to people.

If you're right then any snooping will only uncover what you already know, and perhaps some hints on how she really feels and how to better convince her.

But you already know you are going to find an affair.

She won't listen to sense I'm afraid - you will have to kill it withou any help from her. She will be delusional and show foggy thinking, almost like a depression.


It's highly possible to both kill it and recover. What most people don't realise is we would all have affairs in the right circumstances. This guy has created the PERFECT circumstances.

However don't put the cart before the horse. Find out first, decide later. We have an operation investigate forum on here for help with snooping.

Do make sure you eat and sleep in this tough time.

Your opinion makes sense. It made sense from day 1 to me, however I have strong doubts because at times I found out that what she was saying was true.

Then again, how could she make love to me and actually enjoy it in the middle of an affair?

It's a very gradual slope. It's possible to enjoy flirting and consider it nothing and enjoy lovemaking, but as feelings deepen she probably will disengage from you sexually. She will destroy her relationship with you as it goes on. This is an automatic textbook process which everyone in an affair does.

I'm very concerned that they refuse to disengage, and this guy has met up with you to bluff you with obvious nonsense.

If you snoop you'll find out how far it's gone. I'd say at least they have made a declaration to each other and sex is on the horizon if not already happened.

It's natural to trust to someone who has previously been honest - but please don't!

Don't say a word, snoop silently so as to catch them unawares.

A GPS on her car or a PI should get you the goods in a few days.

When you have it, please come back for guidance on exposure and next steps!

It's good for recovery but even if you want to divorce, exposure will still help you greatly.

I'm hoping she didn't have sex with the other guy. But yes the signs are all there and I agree that I have to stop the affair if I really want to save the marriage.

I must say you've done quite well considering without guidance. You confronted him, told her to stop and flagged it up to relatives which will have made you look like a caring and protective H to her (in spite of her defensiveness). However you need a much bigger gun to really do the job, and that requires your getting proof before doing a much bigger exposure. The proper exposure will include his side and we'll guide you.

Is he married?
Does he have a FB page?

If he has a FB page and you have access, FIRST of all, go copy his friends list into a word doc. If he catches wind you are on to him he will block you. You want to know who to expose to.

Look for relatives, a wife/girlfriend/parents and friends who are married couples.

I think I did quite a lot yes. Her sister and parents are all on my side. No he's not married, he's been in a long distance relationship for 6 years but ended it around a month and a go (!!!). That is what my wife told me anyway.

He has a FB page, my wife is a friend of his. And I added him on FB as well and he accepted me as a friend. Some of the posts / photos are liked by my wife - but that doesn't bother me much.

The dilemma I have is this. What (small probability after what was said) but what will happen if she finds out that I have been following her and in fact she is doing nothing wrong.

My marriage is ended just the same because she will say I did not trust her.

Dr Harley has written extensively that trust to the extent you are talking about - blind trust - is terribly unprotective and uncaring. It's basically just telling her to look out for herself.

Trust is not a moral decision that you HAVE to do - it is a feeling you have when people are honest and open with you. Trust is a reflex.

The truth is you don't trust her because she is hiding stuff and deleting things and behaving suspiciously. You are willing to trust her the minute she decides to have an open and honest relationship with you.

Dr H has been married for 50 years, spending most hours of the day with his wife and he still doesn't trust his wife BLINDLY! He knows she is capable of human foibles, temptation or even addiction at any time. Deception is not just about affairs, it could be overspending or depression or addiction to prescription drugs. Do you know any married person who has never told a single lie?

If she accuses you of not trusting her, calmly say you are willing for her to earn your trust.

Also

The reason your wife is having an affair is not because she is a terrible person, but because her pride has gone before a fall.

She thought her head couldn't be turned by flattery and that she is perfect and so should be trusted implicitly.

The people who DON'T have affairs are the people who are more aware of their weakness. The ones who don't want to be trusted to operate in secrecy. Your wife does expect trust, and so was blindsided by her own weakness.

Expecting trust is one of the biggest reason for affairs.