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I'll go through the docs later. When I follow her I have basically 3 options:
1. Either I find nothing
2. Either I find out she's meeting this guy
3. I get caught in the act following her.
What would the options be at this stage, so I'll be prepared of what to do and what to say.
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I wouldn't follow her personally. Get someone else, like a PI or monitor her electronically.
She probably already thinks she is being followed because she is twitchy and guilty as hell. I bet she's already made a song and dance about her right to be trusted and your having a dirty mind am I right?
She IS being deceptive and flagrantly ignoring your feelings. I'm afraid you are going to find something inappropriate, the only question is what.
When you have intel, we can guide you as to a response. Do get OM's FB contacts secured though as that is something that may vanish.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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how would the OM's FB contacts be helpful I may ask?
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If you find hard evidence of an affair you need to expose it (without even confronting her) - you want them to be caught off guard and scrabbling for explanations.
Exposure on his side is very important because in her fantasy she gets to be introduced as an innocent new girlfriend, not as a cheating wife. His current girlfriend (unlikely he has really broken his relationship up for a woman who goes home to her husband) may also have a lot to say about it.
Also, it's common for exposure to reveal that this is a way of life for the affair partner who has a string of broken marriages on his belt. Which also helps to show your wife she's being fooled.
I already know you are going to say this is anti instinctive. Having done it myself, I know it is.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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how would the OM's FB contacts be helpful I may ask? Have you read this? Exposure 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Se7en, I'm feeling you;re in a lot of shock. Try to eat some and sleep some today, as much as you can, and keep your poker face on around her.
Be nice, be pleasant but laid back. Tell her she looks pretty and offer to make her some coffee or tea. If she bites your head off, smoothly kiss her on the head and say you have something to attned to (maybe dinner) and say you'll give her some privacy.
See, now you know it's probably not about you, and you're going to find out what the problem REALLY is. So relax and take a deep breath. You have a plan.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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From one of our most esteemed posters on exposure: The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!
The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs. My guess is that your wife has already given you a slight taste of the above. When you told her family and when you snooped she went crazy, demanded trust and said all of the above. The ironic thing is you are SHOWING her actions that prove you will fix any complaints and she is saying you are fake and she doesn't trust you! That is the textbook, entitled attitute of someone in an affair and so thinks she is the cutest trick in shoe leather.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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I think you're headed for a discovery day and exposure. To clarify, you would still expose an emotional-only affair. It doesn't have to be physical for you to call it an affair, tell everyone and put a screeching halt to this. However, just for kicks: I'll go through the docs later. When I follow her I have basically 3 options:
1. Either I find nothing
Introduce her to the MB plan which focuses on restoring romantic love and the important of openness and honesty. It would also encourage her to not give off inappropriate signals to other men like 'I'm unhappy with my nasty H please help me'.
2. Either I find out she's meeting this guy
Expose using the plan in the thread on exposure.
3. I get caught in the act following her.
"I'm very worried and can't sleep because of all the secretiveness and distance". Pretend to be reassured by her lies, ignore the anger, but continue to snoop with another method.
. Most importantly of all; don't act like YOU are the one sneaking around and hiding the details of an opposite sex friendship. You are entitled to know all about your wife's life, because her life is the same one as yours.
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/28/14 10:53 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Se7enSpt, click the "notify" button and ask the moderators to move your thread over to the Surviving an Affair section of the forum. You will get additional help over there.
Although indie gives top-notch Marriage Builders advice!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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