I have a post in the In Recovery forum that outlines the story of my husband's A and how we were working so good to move past that. I had said then (Dec/Jan) time frame how we were doing so good. We were falling behind in UA time but we fixed that and things have been better. He had gotten a promotion and we found out we are pregnant with our 4th child in early April. We haven't been separated again for his job and don't see that we will anytime soon because of his new position. Things from my perspective were going so well.

The biggest problem we've always had is him lying. I told him before we got married I didn't want to deal with smoking and porn. He agreed to both and said it wouldn't be a problem. Then we got married. The lies started from day one. He had told me the smoking had stopped for several months and I had no way of knowing because we lived in different states at the time. We eloped and so there was no time for me to see this lie before we got married. On the way home from eloping in another state he insisted and pressured me to stop at a shop and get porn. So I caved and that was my own fault because it showed him I was weak as far as standing my ground about these things. Then he came home from work the next day smelling like a chimney. From that point on it just got out of control. He has lied nearly everyday of our 11 year marriage about smoking. It's never made sense to me because when you smoke a pack a day it's hard to cover up. I have told him several times through all those years that I will always be willing to support him and get him the help he needs because he's always insisted he wants to quit. The porn he hides well and so I've never really known when it's going on until it affects sex or I find some of it. To be honest I've never dug deep for the porn either or put a key logger on the computer. The porn use usually is it's worse when he's away from us on deployments (he's AD Army) or stateside drills. He says it's several times a day when we are apart. When he was on a detail that kept him stateside for 3 years he got to the point where he was doing it at work in the bathroom because according to him he didn't have the time alone at home to do it in private. I thought these problems had subsided since the confession of his A Jan 2013 and we began following SAA and MB techniques. I really believed he wasn't smoking or watching porn anymore. I don't think I've ever fully trusted he might having an affair again but the way he did it would be impossible to track.

Things have been off lately when we are intimate and then Tuesday it was obvious to me it took him extremely longer than normal which meant to me because he had already done something that day. I check his underwear and find obvious evidence that I am right. When confronted about his underwear he exploded on me about not trusting him and about how it was from when him and I had just been intimate. It couldn't have been the case. I shut down because he got so explosive and defensive. For several days I just kind of shut him out. Then Thursday night I discovered how he had been doing it without me knowing. It was through FB app on his phone where he thought I couldn't see the search. It was a page full of semi naked women and he had been visiting it a lot.

Now I've never been able to just get the truth from him even once he's caught. If he comes home smelling like a chimney then it will take me asking several times all night for him to confess but then say it was only one never will admit to the full pack. So of course when I found the evidence he lied about his underwear Tuesday he didn't confess. Then a hour later it was accidental because the guys at work were talking about tattoo sites. Then 2 hours later it's he looked and then got hooked again but only pleasured himself to it once the rest were to images of me in his head. All night back and forth with this kind of crap and all I don't believe. After so many years of this it all became too much and I told him he had to find a place to stay. I know that's not the right thing to do according to Dr. Harley but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then finally last night (Sunday, 3 days later) he texts and says that it's because he knew what he was going to find when he searched for it and he didn't care because he missed porn because he claims to have not looked at it for over a year. Then he also confessed that he's been smoking for the past two months again but he did it less like 1 or 2 a day so I really couldn't smell it which I didn't. I figure he has figured out some way to cover the smoke because I can smell everything when I'm pregnant and I really haven't smelled it.

I just don't know what else to do or where else to go with him because he just refuses to be honest. I'm also not naive enough to believe that there isn't more to the story he's not telling me. I got lots of little lies like this before he confessed his A last year so I am imagining the worst. What am I supposed to do with someone who refuses to be honest ever?

Let me end with admitting I'm not perfect. I can be very demanding at times and I can get very explosive. I have always tried to create an environment for him to be honest but find that hard to do after having to dig so hard for the truth day in and day out. I just feel broken and don't know that I have any desire left to be with this man and I surely know that there is little to no love left.

Have you ever had him take a polygraph?

No I haven't. Even if I did he apparently still wants to continue to lie and not follow the rule of honesty. That's where I'm lost. Can you continue with a spouse who won't be honest?

Have you emailed Dr. Harley?
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Have you read this?
Honesty and Openness

No I didn't know how! Thank you.

You're welcome. Let us know what he says?

That link really hits home. Thank you for responding I knew I could find help here. I love this community.

That's relationship cancer. I would insist that he voluntarily make all his interactions available for you to see or no dice.

You've taken long enough to draw your line in the sand, so make it worth while and do it right.

This is from the private forum. It fits your situation.
Tell us what you think.
If he is unable or unwilling to do this. You have no marriage.

Please help!! I'm lost and confused. After following the previous advice shared with me in this thread back last May I'm sitting here again having just found out my husband has still been lying about smoking. I feel stupid and feel as if there surely is another A out there for me to discover. I've left and flown back to our home state to stay with my parents temporarily. I feel stupid for still not wanting to give up on my marriage but he clearly will not be honest with me. We lost the baby I was carrying at the time I posted this and I hesitated to conceive again but we just found out two weeks ago we are pregnant again and then he tells me he's been hiding smoking. I do feel stupid posting about my marriage possibly ending over smoking cigarettes but he won't stop lying about it. I had done everything suggested and showed him that he could be honest with me about it and then supported him when he said he wanted to quit. I also reached out and made sure he knew he could talk to me when I saw situations that were triggers. He said I asked him about it the same day he started back and he just didn't want to tell me because he knew he'd just do it and quit. I have 3 other kids that need their father but what good is me staying if he can't be honest?

Also, I have asked for a polygraph from him. He's willing I'm just working on building the questions.

Anyone?? Is my marriage just doomed?

It's not doomed if he's willing to change his lying behaviours.

Can you sign up for the online coaching?

Have you complied your questions for the polygraph? When will the polygraph be scheduled?

Did you ever write Dr. Harley?

I never wrote Dr Harley.

I have thought about us signing up and doing the online classes. He scheduled the poly for this week. My questions cover his lying and another other possible A then the one I already know about.