Been there!

Is there a reason you had to respond at all?

Take a book and read it. Ignore him if he will not respect your wishes not to discuss something.

I went through a period of time where I would not get in a car with Markos unless I was driving, so that if he were to let into me I could stop the car where ever we were and get out.

What does the dog do differently than you when your husband gets home?

Doesn't it go running excitedly to greet him and THEN it gets lavished with attention and affection?

Where are you and what do you do when Hubby comes walking through the door?

Could you possibly kennel the dog until after YOU first get the opportunity to excitedly greet your husband, thereby being first in line and in mind when he walks in?

LTL

Prisca



After the 3rd time I calmly stated I didn't want to talk about it and he refused to drop it, I started feeling frustrated. I tried to tune him out, turned and looked out the side window and focused on breathing deeply to stay calm. My husband can't stand it when I don't talk to him. I admit, I use that as a punishment when he interrupts or talks over me. When I quit responding to him, he kept asking me if I was listening to him, after the 3rd or 4th time he asked me that is when I blew up at him.



I don't think I have made it clear that my husband demands my attention and will persist till he gets it, good or bad. He doesn't use AOs in his demands, he uses charm and a loud jovial tone, but its irritating to me nonetheless.



I think this might work. I'll request to drive next time. Thanks for the suggestion.

Dr. H put requests on the opposite side of a demand. If you are asking for something in this case not to talk about the dog. You are either making a request or a demand. A request allows the person receive the requesting to say yes or no to the request. If they don't have the option to say no to the request then it is a demand. POJA requires talking and is not to be used if the conclusion of doing nothing leads to a win lose situation in this case her H would lose. Dr. H recommends moving back to the default state even if it's a win lose and arguing about the dog is their default state which is what they are working to not continue.

Although I agree that a POJA has to happen about how to deal with the dog. We can't just say I don't want to talk about it with any subject if we are following the PORH. Then people will start thinking it's ok to say I don't want to talk about that co-worker that I'm texting a lot. It is perfectly reasonable to request a better time to have the conversation but as one unit we can't just say I never want to talk about this unless we both come to a POJA that this is the best thing to do, (like never talking about an affair again, after the offended spouse feel they know everything and still want to save their marriage).

That is a great idea and to add to it maybe you guy could come to a POJA where even if you forgot to kennel the dog he would ignore the dog until he greets you first. My wife and I came to that agreement with the kids and it has helped us a lot.

LTL



I used to rush outside as soon as I heard his truck pull into the driveway to greet him. But the dog was faster than me and always got to him first. Now I wait in the house and let him come to me when he's done greeting the dog.




Interesting. It never occurred to me to put the dog up so I could greet him first. I'll do that when he comes home. Thanks for the suggestion.

life



This is what Dr. Harley says in He Wins/She Wins:



But doing nothing in our situation did not put my husband's health or safety at risk. It didn't even put the dog at risk, because I had already agreed to take care of him while my husband was at work. I just didn't want to talk about something that couldn't be changed no matter how much we beat the dead horse.

nononononono, the default state is to do nothing. And it certainly would never be to argue. You don't use one rule to break another, ie: arguing.

It is NOT a demand to not do something.
To talk about the dog when she doesn't want to IS the demand.
A demand actually requires action.

He should be the one making the request to discuss it, and she has the option to say "No, I don't want to talk about the dog."
Again, her refusing to do something he wants to do is not a demand. It never will be.

Actually, negotiation requires talking. POJA is just an agreement to not DO ANYTHING at the expense of your spouse. And it is to be used in all situations, except for a few exceptions such as endangerment to life or health or snooping/exposing an affair. The dog does not fall into the exceptions.

The default of POJA is always DO NOTHING. In this case, that means stop talking about the dog.

Ah, there is one of those exceptions. Notice it has nothing to do with a dog.

BUT she doesn't want to discuss it. She doesn't have to. He doesn't get to demand that she discuss it just because it is perfectly reasonable.

Yes we can. If my husband doesn't want to talk about something, it would be a lovebuster if I demanded to talk about it. That is a sure fire way to start a fight. When Dr. Harley brings up a subject that Joyce doesn't like, she politely says "can we change the subject." The subject is tabled.

HERE is the real problem.
Your husband has made a demand. You have given into it.
Of course you are going to hate discussing it.

I don't disagree that her H need to was being demanding.

And even though I think saying I will not talk about this or that is demanding and sure to withdraw love units because that spouse is making a unilateral are not following the POJA (because they are not talking), enough of you guys have said I'm wrong I will except that.

I hope that works out to be one solution for how you feel 2nd place to his dog.

Now, since everyone is chiming in about POJA, do you all feel that the kenneling of the dog for when Hubby gets home should firstly be discussed as to to the reasons why and the enthusiastically agreed upon prior to Tamak doing it as a unilateral decision?

LTL

LTL

I think they should do a POJA before she locks up the dog but I think the resolution of of the POJA should be him ignoring the dog until he greets his wife enthusiastically, because she shouldn't feel that she only gets his attention when the dog is not present. That dog needs to be put in the right place in his priorities. They may want to start with the kennel first to train her H but he should train his dog to not expect to get his attention until he gives it to his wife.

Pisca and ML





Thank you for clarifying this.




I didn't really have a choice but to give in. The dog has been his "rig dog" 90% of the time for 3 years. He is no longer allowed to take the dog with him to the rig. So he has to stay here with me. I will and have taken care of him, just like I have taken care of all of my husbands animals over the years when he had to go to work. I just resent having 100% of the responsibility of his, mine and our animals, when he's gone. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats. The cats are mine, 1 dog is his and 1 dog is ours. I especially resent it when they take priority over me. I feel like I'm taking care of my replacement.

The fact that it was something we had no control over is the reason I didn't see a need to talk about it. Talking about it made me have to think about something I wasn't enthusiastic about but couldn't change.


LTL and life

My husband is trying to change the dynamic where he puts the dog over me. I asked him how he felt about me shutting him up in our room so I could greet him first. He said he was fine with it, but he wasn't going to pay attention to the dog till he greeted me first, so it was up to me. If he follows through on what he has told me, the dog won't be an issue any more and I think I will able to enthusiastically take care of him when my husband is gone.