((((Hugs)))) Tama hon that is the key difference I've seen here over time between marriages that make it and marriages that fail, when (1) you trust him to bring concerns to him and (2) he acts in ways consistent with that trust.

Thanks! I knew he loved me just wasn't sure if he cared about me anymore, but his willingness to jump in with both feet with SH and this book, once he realized I had one foot out the door has shown me he loves and cares about me very much He has been reminding me of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.

NED



Thank you for the hugs . Trust is still a hurdle for me. We have talked about that and he said he understands its going to take time and patience on his part to help me rebuild it. I am glad I posted here and got the encouragement I needed to take my concerns to him and SO GLAD he put his words into action. He deposit several units in my LB by doing so, which will make it easier for me to take that step again.

Thank you for the feedback and encouragement!

Update...

*disclaimer - I'm angry and hurt right now and allot has happened since my last post. This will be long.*

My husband went back to work yesterday morning after being home for 2 weeks. It was a roller coaster ride while he was home. It started off great, because we stayed connected while he was gone thanks to the 2 phone dates a day and reading and discussing the book. It only took a few days, once he was home, to start a downhill slide that just took a nosedive. The biggest problem is we planned way too many things to do during his 2 weeks home.

The day he got home, Thursday, we worked on getting the house ready for my parents to come for our youngest daughter's graduation the following night. We stole a little time for SF before my parents got here Friday afternoon. We went to graduation and came back home and BBQed that night. All the kids and their SOs came over Saturday morning for breakfast. After my parents left Saturday afternoon, we quickly packed up and headed to meet 2 other couples in Ruidoso. We left Ruidoso Monday and went to see my 97 year old Granny, who my parents take care of, because she is not able to travel any more and couldn't go to graduation.

The first downhill slide happened almost as soon as we left Ruidoso. I was still riding the high of fun with friends and my husband, when he starts talking about his dog, wondering if he's ok and lamenting about how sad he will be to not go to the rig with my husband when he has to go back. I felt like he'd just taken a giant pin to my balloon. He'd brought up 2 very touchy subjects for me. His dog and his job. 2 things that rank much higher on his priority list than I do. And he reminded me that I was going to have to take care of his dog because he is not allowed to take him to work anymore, something I have no control over, don't want to do and resent. I told him I didn't like the topic and would prefer not to discuss it when I was still feeling all the good feelings from the weekend. He pushed the discussion. I got frustrated, eventually upset and then angry. He finally dropped it when I got angry. I had been trying and succeeding in controlling my emotional reactions and angry outbursts, but I felt like he pushed me to my breaking point and I broke. I resented him for it.

Wednesday morning he had an apt with SH. He said he discussed this with him and that S told him it was up to him to protect my love for him and gave him some tips on how to talk to me. That gave me hope things would be better the rest of his time home.

That night we played golf in the weekly club scramble. Thursday we went shopping for the materials to extend our backyard and build an outside cat enclosure for our 2 cats. We'd POJAd how we wanted to do it and the materials we needed. We'd agreed to do the cat enclosure first because our grandson is allergic to them and we have to shut them up in the garage when he stays with us. Friday we started on the fence - not the cat enclosure. He convinced me that it was more sensible to do the fence first. I agreed as long as the cat enclosure got done before he went back to work. We worked till exhaustion on the fence, but it had been a team effort, (something that we used to not be able to do because he wanted to control, do everything himself and treated me like a fragile thing that would shatter if I did anything.) so even though we hadn't had any UA time since SF Friday the week before, I felt good about things when we went to bed that night.

We played in a 3 person scramble golf tournament Saturday and Sunday with our next door neighbor. My husband got frustrated because he wasn't playing very well. It didn't help that I was playing pretty good and we ended up using most of my shots. I think it offended his ego that I was playing better than him. He got more and more moody and distant from me as the day and weekend wore on. I kept trying to keep it light and encourage him and make him smile or laugh and tried to be affectionate. I finally gave up and left him alone to sulk.

After golf Saturday night, we took our youngest daughter and her boyfriend to dinner. After golf Sunday, we BBQed at our house with our middle daughter and her fianc�. Monday we ended up driving our middle daughter to the doctor because she was sick and didn't feel up to driving the 52 miles to the doctor. We'd forgotten to get the tin for the roof of the cat enclosure so decided to get it after her appointment. On the drive to her doctor, my husband started talking about getting a different type of tin than we'd talked about and doing it differently than we'd POJAd. I reminded him of our POJA and said I wanted to stick with it. He said it wouldn't work unless we got more materials and did it differently which would be much more complicated. I said I was confused by this and didn't understand why he didn't bring all that up during our discussion. He said he didn't think about it at the time. I told him I was uncomfortable with making a last minute change on the fly and would prefer to not do anything till we could sit down and discuss it. He didn't want to table it. He kept talking about it, trying to persuade me to his way of thinking. I said I wasn't enthusiastic about discussing it right then, I was confused and not happy about not sticking to the POJA. He dropped it. I thought we were on the same page. But after her appointment, he drove straight to Home Depot. Our daughter was in the back seat and I didn't want to create a scene in front of her. He knows I hate involving other people in our business or public scenes. I got out of the truck but I was not happy. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear "please can we discuss it now? Come on...pleeeease?" using a charming, innocent little boy voice. This was the first real affection I'd had from him in days and he was using it to manipulate me. I resented it but I shoved it down, because at that point I only had 2 options: refuse, get back in the truck and fume - making my daughter feel uncomfortable on top of already feeling bad or go along. I went along like I always end up doing and kicked myself for it all the way and resented him for putting me in that position. We got what we needed and headed home.

He and I had to be at a city council meeting that evening by 5. We petitioned to be able to build a metal shop instead of a brick one to match our house. Before we went in to the meeting, I asked my husband to please not offer to do anything other than what he and I had agreed to. I made this request because when we were getting the building permit to extend our fence, he told the Police Chief (who is also the code inspector) about our petition and said that we would even be willing to brick the bottom 3 feet if we had to. I wasn't willing to do that because neighbors at the end of our street have a metal shop and were not required to brick any of it. My husband knew I wasn't willing, we'd discussed it at length prior to formally requesting to petition the council. He promised me he would not offer to do anything or say anything we had not discussed and both agreed to. We went over what we wanted to say and had pictures of the neighbor's shop to prove our case and show that it would not be an eyesore. He blind sided me again. He told the council we would hire the job out to someone else, when he and I had agreed we would do it ourselves, in stages as his schedule allowed because we'd already been burned by a contractor. We got permission to build it but it was a shallow victory because I was angry with my husband for making another independent decision that I was forced to live with whether I liked it or not.

When we got home, I just wanted to be left alone and find a productive outlet for the anger. that had been building all day. He'd bought me an elliptical exerciser with a seat. It was farther down on our to do list but I decided I wanted to put it together myself. I needed the physical outlet to reassure myself I was capable of doing something and doing it right, because at that moment I felt very bad about myself. It was also a dig to my husband. I knew it would drive him crazy if I didn't let him help me - or do it for me. I knew it was petty and spiteful but I was so angry, I relished being petty and spiteful. It did drive him nuts. He kept coming in there in the pretense of doing something else and offer to help. I said no thank you. With every piece I put together, I felt better, accomplished. My anger started diminishing and I started enjoying myself. I started thinking when I finished I would be in a good place to talk to my husband and hopefully resolve things before we went to bed. Then I noticed what he was doing.

He'd quit pretending to have something to do in there with me and had started moving stuff out. It wasn't until I noticed him trying to get an old upright freezer, loaded down with a bunch of his tools and stuff, through the doorway of the garage leading into our house, that I started paying attention. It's extremely heavy and he was struggling with it, nearly toppling it onto our pool table. I asked if he wanted help. He said no in a tone that told me he was angry with me now. It nearly toppled backward onto him, he nearly broke my expensive record player, our daughter's TV and the door frame, but he managed to get the freezer out. The recklessness of his actions brought my anger right back up to the surface. I understood his being angry at my spitefulness, but not being reckless to the point of possible injury to himself or damage to our things. I followed him out to make sure he didn't hurt himself or break anything on his way to where ever he was taking it. My plan had been to quietly follow him and once I knew he and everything in his path were safe, to just as quietly slip back into the garage to finish what I was doing. That plan changed abruptly when I realized he was just setting everything in the backyard. That fired my anger right back up again. I didn't want all that crap in the middle of our backyard. I asked him why he was putting all that there. He said he'd said he would get it all out of there so I'd have room for my exerciser so he was getting it out of my way. I just looked at him dumbfounded and speechless. I didn't have words to explain how I felt in that moment. But I saw red. I turned around and went back to the garage before I said things I knew I would regret and would probably end our marriage. I put a couple more things together on the exerciser, but my heart wasn't in it anymore. The anger started to fade and I was left feeling hollow and very confused and frustrated. I went to find him and told him I just didn't get it. I didn't understand why he kept making decisions that impacted me, without including me in making them. I told him I get that he was clearing the space for me, but I'd already shifted some things to make space and since he'd been in there, he saw I had plenty of room for it without moving anything out. I asked him if my putting it together and the place I had it impacted him. He said no, not really. I told him not letting him help me was spiteful and I owned that but I was putting it where he had agreed he wanted it to go. But what he was doing did impact me. He risked personal injury and damage to our stuff, plus its my backyard, too, and I had not agreed to have all that stuff moved there. I had agreed for it to be left in the garage till it could be moved to the shed. He said he just couldn't do anything right. I said I didn't know what to tell him, except as long as he continued to make independent decisions, push me to go along with them, while ignoring my thoughts and feelings and using manipulation or blind siding me when all else failed, then I had to agree he wasn't doing things right.

I told him at that point, I felt like the money we spent talking to SH and the time reading and discussing the book were wasted because what was the point of learning how to negotiate if he wasn't going to stick to the POJAs we made? How can I trust him during negotiations if he won't follow through? He said he was sorry. He knew he'd really messed up but if I would give him just one more chance he would show me that none of it has been wasted. He asked me what he could do to show me he was trying from that moment on. I told him I want him to ask me the question the book suggests, "How do you feel about..." instead of making decisions and acting on them or stating what he's going to do with an after thought tag on, "is that ok with you?" I told him the question makes me feel included in the decision making process. The statement and tag on makes me feel like the decision has already been made and I just have to decide if I'll go along with it or not and him doing what he wants without talking to me at all makes me feel left completely in the cold. He said he would ask me that question from now on and no more doing things independently. I said I would give him another chance and asked if he would help me finish putting the exerciser together.

Tuesday was better, though we were still very disconnected from each other emotionally, we were both in good moods as we worked on the fence together. We were invited to have dinner with friends. We agreed to take a break to go eat with them and then come back to finish. They ended up coming back with us and M helped my husband with the fence while his fianc� and I talked, drank beer and took them refreshments.

Now we're up to Wednesday - 2 days ago. We were at zero hour. The fence was mostly done, but not complete and we hadn't even started on the cat enclosure. He had to go back to work Thursday morning so that was our last day to get it done and he wanted to play in the scramble at the golf course that evening since it would be the last time he got to play golf for 2 weeks.

I almost forgot. Tuesday night we kept our grandson because my husband wouldn't get to see him for 2 weeks. Our daughter and son-in-law brought him over after the men had quit on the fence for the night. We took him home the next morning before we started on the fence.

Back to Wednesday. We got the fence done except for installing the gates and my husband wired them up so our St. Bernard couldn't get out. We agreed that would do till his next days off and to play in the scramble and then come back and do the cat enclosure, which wouldn't take long since we went the easy route and bought a dog run for the main structure. We didn't get it done, but not because my husband didn't follow through. It was because I was so physically exhausted from all the physical labor of the fence and all the golfing several days in a row, I just couldn't do any more that night. I asked how he felt about saving it till he came home. He was agreeable.

Before we went to bed that night, he brought up the book. We had only read and discussed one chapter the whole time he was home. I'd mentioned it a couple of times, but when he didn't pick up the ball I'd thrown, I let it drop. I was surprised he brought it up. He said he didn't know what it would be like when he got there yesterday, but asked how I would feel about reading chapter 9 and discussing it tonight. I agreed.

Chapter 9 may be the end of us. Its titled "Conflicts over Career Requirements and Time Management." We knew it was going to be a difficult chapter for us when we saw the title. But when I read it, I realized we are no where near ready to discuss this chapter. Minor negotiations and POJAs proved problematic for us. This is a major issue. Everything in that chapter epitomizes exactly how I feel about his chosen profession and the time requirements of it. I told him I didn't believe we were any where near ready to discuss this chapter. He asked if I wanted to wait till he got home to discuss it. I told him I didn't think we would be ready then either. We hadn't had much success in the last 2 weeks with minor issues and this was a major one. I had allot of built up resentment about his job and I felt everything that chapter described. He said it was an eye opener for him. I asked him if he would be willing to consider a job change. He said yes. I said then maybe we can discuss it. I asked if he's done any checking on alternatives he would be happy with. He said no, the internet was down today. I reminded him it was a little over a month ago since his first talk with SH, when he told me they discussed his job at length and that we would need to have a discussion about it soon. I told him I wondered if the reason he hadn't look for alternate options was because he secretly hoped there was a way to get me to be happy about his job so he could keep it. He didn't say anything. I figured he was thinking about what I said, so gave him time to think. He didn't say anything for several moments, then I started hearing his slow, steady breathing in my ear. I called his name, no response. I called it again, no response. I yelled it. I heard a sharp intake of breath and then "huh? Yeah, are you there?" He'd fallen asleep on me.

This has happened many times in the past and always leaves me feeling unimportant and forgotten. He denied it. Said he had a horrible connection and had been trying to talk to me but guess I couldn't hear him. That made me mad. I hate the denial game. It makes me feel like he's playing me for stupid. I told him I didn't have anything else to say to him right then, he should go back to sleep and hung up. He called me back a few minutes later, but I didn't answer. I didn't want to hear any more denials or justifications. I didn't want to try to convince him to take ownership of falling asleep on me. I knew that's what would happen if I answered. I listened to his voicemail. He said he was talking to me and didn't realize I didn't hear him. He was sorry about his phone service and to please call him back. I sent him a text that I could him breathing deeply in my ear crystal clear. His phone service was not the issue and it was insulting for him to deny the truth. I didn't have anything else to say to him. He texted me back that a storm was blowing in...he thought it would be best if we talk tomorrow... He kept calling me but couldn't get through due to no signal. I texted back that he fell asleep on me. The storm and his lack of signal had nothing to do with that. I could hear his deep breathing crystal clear. Not to bother calling me tomorrow. I didn't want to hear any more excuses, explanations, denials or justifications. I've heard enough of those to last me a lifetime.

Sorry for such a long post. I welcome any thoughts. Thank you

Thank you to those that those that got through my long post. Sorry for the length of it. I was trying to sort through my feelings of the last couple of weeks and thought posting them would help. I'm struggling and could use advice. I love my husband and want us to make it, but I'm tired of the roller coaster. I'm sure I'm as much to blame as he is because it takes 2 to make it work, though I don't always see where I'm at fault because I'm thinking about what he did that frustrated me, upset me or made me angry.

I would really appreciate any thoughts.
Thanks
Tamak

Tama, that sounds so exhausting and disheartening! I'm glad you came here so the folks could help you hop back up on the horse. It's a marathon, not a sprint, right? Today's a new day and with the energy from Fathers' Day could be a sweet day to spend the morning with kids and the afternoon to reconnect.


This was really important honesty Tama, I hope this incident doesn't discourage you, and you give it a shot again.

New




Feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.



I hope some others will chime in with their thoughts and suggestions.



That's a lovely thought but not in the cards today. My oldest daughter had to take our son-in-law to the hospital last night. He has cancer and has undergone intense chemo and radiation treatment for the last 10 months. He got a blister from wearing his tennis shoes without socks and it turned black, had red streaks running up his leg and lots of pain. They admitted him in the cancer hospital a little over an hour away. He is going to be ok, they caught it in time, Thank God. Our middle daughter and her fianc� are coming over later to do laundry, so I'll get to see them for a little bit. Our youngest is spending the day with her boyfriend who is in the marines and has to go back to his base in California later today. I asked my husband if I could take his Father's Day present to him today, but they are having gas problems at the rig and it may not be possible. We still haven't spoken except through a couple of texts since Friday night. That's on me. He sent me a text yesterday to say he was thinking of me and loved me and sent me another one this morning to say the same. I replied that I love him too. My love bank is on empty and I don't know what else to say to him. I almost called him this morning to say happy Father's Day, but I was afraid of what I would hear in his tone or that he wouldn't have time to talk to me. Considering the gas problem, looks like I made the right decision.



I don't even know if he heard me. That was the point he fell asleep on me. I want to give it another shot. But now I'm gun shy. I've been the one to take the lead to fix things between us at times like this. I really need him to take the lead this time so I'll know it matters to him, that I matter.

Thank you for your response New

Tamak,

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

I'm going to say something that I know will help but may be painful to hear, so take sometime to consider it. I feel a lot of your conflicts were amplified by disrespectful judgement and angry outbursts from you. I understand that it is hard and I know you are working really hard to change it, but you have lost some battles during your time together.

Even though you H lied about falling asleep, I would be more concerned that he felt he had to lie. Instead of realizing how much energy that took for him to call an talk to you even though he was obviously tired you focused on the fact he fell asleep. Again, despite what ever the consequences he may have imagine he would get for falling asleep, he still should of been honest with you. And if I was talking to him I would of told him so, but the fact the he feels their consequence for falling asleep is more concerning.

I don't get the impression that he did that with any intent or that you were sharing anything he found uninteresting because he brought up the conversation. And it sounds like he was interested and engaged in the conversation up until he fell asleep.

It is not ok ever to punish our spouse and I feel in you interaction when he was with you and present is punishing. It becomes hard for him to accept the POJA if he feels that you can bully him into a win lose situation.

You need to work on keeping your head in all situations because it will destroy all your relationships. He has earn father's day and he deserves to be encouraged by his loving wife especially when he is far away from her.

life

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. If you don't mind, I would like to ask for more clarification on my DJs and AOs.



No doubt I have issues with angry outbursts and maybe disrespectful judgments.....I'm not sure I see that one. But sometimes I feel like my H pushes me to the point of having an angry outburst.

For example, when we were leaving Ruidoso and he brought up that I would have to take care of his dog when he went back to work. We had not discussed or negotiated that issue because quite honestly there was no point, he couldn't take him so it fell to me to take on the responsibility. I calmly told him I would prefer not to talk about his dog right then. He didn't drop it. I stated it differently, but still calmly, that I was not enthusiastic about talking about his dog right then. He still didn't drop it. I calmly told him I didn't think he was hearing me. He said he heard me and understood, but still didn't drop it. I more firmly told him I felt like he was trying to force me to talk about something I didn't want to talk about. He said he was sorry, he wasn't trying to force me to do anything, but still didn't drop it. I more firmly told him I was getting frustrated that he hadn't dropped it. He apologized again, said he didn't mean to frustrate me, but still didn't drop it. I turned away to look out the window and breath deeply to keep calm. I thought if I didn't respond, he would finally take the hint and drop it. He didn't, he kept asking me if I was listening to him and after the 3rd or 4th time he repeated it, I told him I REALLY did not want to talk about this and I was trying very hard to stay calm but he was making it hard because he was pushing me to talk about it whether I wanted to or not. He apologized, said he wasn't trying to make me do anything I didn't want to, but still did not drop it. That's when I blew. I threw my hands up and loudly told him if he understood and was sorry, then why did he keep trying to make me talk about something I didn't want to talk about?! He said he wasn't trying to do that and just wanted me to know that he knew I didn't want to take care of his dog and he understood why and he wanted to find a way to make it easier for me. I got upset and told him there was no way for him to make it easier for me. I was being forced to take care of a dog that had taken my place in his mind, heart and life for the last several years and I didn't even get to choose when I had to talk about the damn dog. From my perspective, I still had a week and a half before I had him forced on me and I would like very much to be able to enjoy our vacation without having the dog that he thought of and gave affection to more than me, the dog that he insisted not only be in our room but on the bed with us during SF, being thrust on me yet again. This was supposed to be our time, about him and me and all he could think and talk about was his damn dog. By that time, I was very upset and angry, crying and yelling. He said he was sorry and finally dropped it.

I regret getting so upset and crying and yelling at him. But I felt like he pushed me to that point. And it wasn't till I got there, that he finally stopped pushing. I don't know how to handle that. We talked about that very thing after reading one of the chapters that touched on this kind of controlling pushiness to get one's way. But all the things we agreed to do in the moment, I did and it didn't work. What should I have done? I really want to know, because I don't like getting angry and upset, in fact it makes me more angry and upset because I hate feeling that way.



Ok I can see your point that maybe he didn't feel safe to admit he fell asleep. This is another issue where I have built up resentment. He falls asleep on me allot: during conversations over the phone and in person, during UA time, dozing off behind the wheel when we're going somewhere or headed home from somewhere. I am in the habit of jumping on him for it. I do try to head those times off by asking him beforehand if he's tired, if so, I would prefer to postpone, whatever activity we're planning, till he's wide awake. Sometimes he'll admit he is tired, so we postpone. Sometimes he says he's wide awake so we go forward and its good, but sometimes he falls asleep. Friday night, he sounded tired to me, so I asked him how he would feel about postponing till the next day. He said he wasn't tired, just relaxing and wanted to go ahead with our discussion.

I guess this is one of my DJs. I expect him to fall asleep, try to head it off, then get mad when it happens. I don't know how to not get mad. I don't like that he falls asleep on me so much during what limited time we have together.



I did punish him by not letting him help me put the exerciser together. But in what other ways did I punish him? I am very surprised that you think I bullied him, when I feel like I was the one being bullied.



I agree I need to learn to keep my head. I am working on it and have gotten better. I used to jump off the handle immediately. I was able to go see him today and take him his Father's Day gift.



I would like to remind you that he chose to be far away from his loving wife. I won't encourage that.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me
Tamak

I will put together a longer post to point out the AO and DG. Besides the punishment you mentioned the fact that you refused to take his calls because he fell asleep is a punishment.

And I understand it is hard and I know he has a lot to change as well but you are hear and he is not. The dog issue was not clear to him that he would get to talk about it. I assume that for the most part he is reasonable.

If he wanted to talk about the dog and you didn't want to talk about it. I hope if you said,"Honey, I love to talk to you about the dog, but can we talk about it tomorrow morning at 10, when I can give you more attention?" and give him the chance to say ok or not. I feel he would of said ok that's fine. And if he said no I want to talk about it now, you could ask is their reason he wants to talk about it right now?

I understand how touchy the dog is to you and I'm sure your H may know that and feel he has to fight for his dog (not right on his end either). The dog is a button for you and it is exactly the the button Dr. H would recommend you overcoming.

Even though the first plan to not have a AO is to avoid the buttons, if you can't you are suppose to be able to not have a AO even when the button is being pushed. I'm not saying it's easy an at all times it is fair just that it still has to be done. If you couldn't of avoided the conversation about the dog you may have chosen to have the conversation and at a calmer time share with you H how it made you feel when he didn't honor your request.

And remember the statement to not talk about the dog right now should be a request not a demand. I would talk more to him about his feelings in that conversation because as I stated he may have felt that you would never want to talk about the dog because any reasonable person would have no problem waiting to talk about something if they know that it will happen.

All of those are just old habits of getting you guy's needs met which haven't worked in the past and will not work in the future. And, don't want you to think I think you are a bully because I think both of you guys are but he is not here so I'm helping you to see your end of it. A lot of couples do that, each bulling each other to get what they want. No one could feel like there will be a win win when they feel their spouse is still bulling them. I'm sure you are having a hard time doing the POJA because of his bulling. It's hard for you to believe that he will make sure you win as well when you negotiate with him.

So long as you make excuses to continue having angry outbursts, your marriage will NEVER improve.

No amount of "Yes, but..." will change that.

STOP the angry outbursts. NO EXCUSES.

YOU are responsible for them, NOT your husband.

Have you listened to these?
Anger Management 101

Thank you life, holdherhand and brainhurts for sharing your thoughts with me. I will be honest, when I first read all of your posts, it made me angry. I thought you were all being unfair and unreasonable in your expectations of what I should have done or not done. I felt justified that it was my husband's fault I had the AO over the dog, because he was being demanding and disrespectful.

Brainhurts, thank you very much for the links to Anger Management 101. I had not heard those segments before and in fact had never heard those concepts before.

life, you were correct in your earlier statement that my AOs effect and are damaging in all my relationships. I've always blamed the other people for frustrating me or pushing my buttons to the point of making me angry.

Holdherhand, after listening to those anger management segments, I understand you are correct. My AOs are my fault, not my husband's. That is really hard for me to swallow, but I accept it as truth.

Dr. Harley nailed it. I get frustrated when I feel rejected and disrespected. And I do punish my husband when I feel he is doing either or both of those. I am going to practice the relaxation technique he suggested and try to learn to keep my adrenaline levels down or get them down quickly. But until I learn to do that how do I handle a situation like I described in the car? There was no where for me to go to get away from the situation and turning up the radio to listen to music to distract myself from thinking about the situation till I got control was not an option. What do I do in a situation like that?

I have so much resentment built up over years of feeling rejected and disrespected by my husband, nearly everything he does or doesn't do frustrates me now. Its going to take me time to learn to change my neuro pathways. My husband is one of the least patient people I know and when he wants something, he is very demanding and pushy to get his way. How do I get him to give me the time I need to get to that relaxed state without being disrespectful of him?

Made a small correction for you there. No one MAKES you angry. They may cause you to feel frustrated, but YOU choose to respond to that frustration with anger. If you are going to overcome your AOs, this is a subtle change in your thinking that you will need to make.

Again, you are putting the blame for your reaction on someone other than yourself. Your husband's demands and disrespect do not cause you to be disrespectful. You choose to respond to the feeling of frustration with disrespect.

He cannot force you to fight.

To answer your question about the conversation in the car, when you felt as if your H was being disrespectful. The first thing you have to understand is when your H is doing something that is pushing your buttons you have to make a 'THOUGHTFUL REQUEST instead of using a SELFISH DEMAND. Once you can no longer make demands to get your needs met, you will learn how to make thoughtful requests he would agree to.

I gave you some things you could of said in my last post, where you are requesting to have the conversation at another specific time, so that he knows you are willing to have the conversation just not at that time. I believe there isn't a time where you guys were together that you wanted to 'waste' time talking about the dog, but if you want to get your needs met you had to talk about the dog so picking a time that you would be more ready to do it would of been a win win request. And that kind of request is often easier to agree to, but if he wasn't willing to agree to it then asking him why he wouldn't agree to it would give you a chance to understand why he had to talk about it right then and you would have an opportunity to negotiate a different win win situation after knowing more.

That doesn't mean it's ok for him to be disrespectful and you should express to him how that makes you feel(but only when you are ready to not have any DG and/or AO). That doesn't mean you won't feel like being disrespectful or having an AO, just like before, you are going to have to make a REQUEST to take a break so you could cool down which he may not be willing to give you. As you get better you will learn how to make you requests. You will learn to say,"I really want to finish this conversation, but I need a minute, can we take a 15 minute break". None of this is easy and the calmest people struggle with it but it can be done and is being done all the time.

Prisca

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.





Ok right, sorry. That is really tough. I get it on a logical standpoint, but it is going to take time for me to make that change. Please bear with me.


Help me out here...I get that it is my choice to get angry and I have to learn to make a different choice. But I was in a car traveling at 80-90 mph with a man who was demanding I have a conversation I did not want to have. I could not walk away, like Harley suggested in the radio segment. I could not turn up the music that he had turned down (music was another suggestion by Harley in the segment), without being rude - i.e., disrespectful - to him. So if I understand it correctly, my only correct option is to sit there, trapped, and give into his demands? That goes against what the book says. That is a win-lose where my husband wins at my expense. The book says if we are not both enthusiastic, we do nothing. I understand that to mean, I do not have to engage in a conversation I am not enthusiastic about having. I do understand I reacted poorly. I do understand my reaction is on me, my AO is on me. He did not make me choose to react in anger. What I am asking is what should I have done instead? What are my alternatives in a situation where I feel trapped and demands are being made?

That would have been the same as talking about it right then, which is what she did not want to do.

It's not talking about it, but talking about not talking about it right now which she was doing already and unless her H could read her mind she would have to do so that he can know right now is not a good time to talk about it and if she let him know when would be a good time to talk about it he is more likely to accept her request.

Of course if he was the one we were talking to I would of told him when she said she didn't want to talk about it he should of dropped it and at the most request a better time talk about it, but he is not here she is.

I actually thing this discussion would be a great discussion to have on the radio show and so tamak I think you should email MBRadio@marriagebuilders.com because I think Dr. H would be willing to help you with this and I think we all could benefit from it.

life



I'm sorry. You did make these suggestions in your last post. I was focused on the parts about my AOs and didn't pay attention to them. Thank you for reposting them.

I guess what I'm struggling with is that I thought I did make respectful requests, 3 times, before I got upset and then angry. But if I'm understanding you correctly, simply saying I didn't want to talk about it right then, no matter how calmly it was said, was a selfish demand, not a respectful request.



You're right. There is never a good time for me to talk about his dog. He is a good and sweet little dog, but I resent the hell out the poor little guy. I feel guilty for it and try to love him because its not his fault. I do like him and even enjoy his company when my husband is gone. But not when he comes home and the dog goes running to him and he is so excited to see him and lavishes him with affection and attention, before he even says hello to me, and when he does finally acknowledge me I don't get even half the enthusiasm or affection the dog got.

Unless things change, I don't see a time when I will ever be enthusiastic to talk about his dog. But I see your point that I have no choice except to request when I want to talk about it. Its a win-lose for me but it is what it is.



The last part is what keeps sticking in my craw. It frustrates me to no end for him to push and try to force me to do what he wants me to do. My reaction is mine. I own that, now. I'm just struggling with being so thoughtful to someone who is being so disrespectful to me. I know why I have to do it. It makes perfect logical sense. Just doesn't sit right. I know its because my love bank is on empty and I have so many resentments built up. Quite honestly, I'm afraid to talk to him right now. Not because I want to punish him for anything, but because I do get so frustrated so easily, I don't trust myself to not have an AO. I just learned that its not his fault, but it still feels like his fault. I want to change it and learn to make a different choice, but I can't snap my fingers and make it happen.

For the record, I am using the techniques of stepping back and breathing. Because just talking about these things brings up the frustrated feelings. I just wanted you to know that I am listening and taking it all in and trying to control my reactions.

This doesn't make sense. It is not a demand for her to not want to talk about the dog, even if she is never willing to talk about it. Doing nothing is the default of POJA. It is not a demand.