Help me see what you mean about "listing something for her to do"

In regards to snooping... not like I have read here about. I am not saying it is impossible, but she has changed a lot of her behaviors around men in the last year. But I know folks will suspect there is someone else, but I believe she is running from me and not to someone. She seems genuinely hurt and angered and the main issue she has said a couple of times in the last few days is she feels controlled and feels I must have the last word and feels she can't do anything right. And she wants to be trusted.

On trust I have given a tremendous amount of trust to her after the 1.5 years of lying she had done back 2 to 3 years ago. So am giving trust, but still desire good boundaries with opposite sex. Probably just 3 times have I shared complaint / request in the last 6 months about the opposite sex and that was just letting her know something had started to make me feel uncomfortable. I didn't say she was doing something WRONG just that it made me feel uncomfortable.

In regards to "feeling controlled", "last word" and "she can't do anything right".

I think "can't do anything right" comes from my sharing a complaint and not keeping it in, BUT FAILING in giving praise in the small successes. I recall that was one of the last things Steve shared in our vary last session... he felt my wife was going to need a lot of praise for the smallest things she does... and she does deserve that. I had ran across one of Dr Harley's articles What to do with a depressed spouse about depression and that is when I realized that I had been suffering from depression for a long time. My wife said she thought it had been at least 5 years, but she never told me this. I saw a doctor and they agreed and started me on Welbutrin about a weak ago. My point on this is in that article from Dr. Harley I saw all of the warning signs like not noticing the "opportunities" where I could praise her on the small things. I am looking back now and see where the hurtful things just overwhelmed me to where I could't see the positive things. My wife has lived with depression even before knowing me and been on meds for that long so she knows how it can affect you.

"Feeling Controlled"... I know the NUMBER 1 issue we have had in our marriage has been opposite sex boundaries. I have asked point blank to my last counselor and Steve if I was unreasonable and the first counselor said he respected my boundaries and they were just a little more than his, but his response had always been your wife doesn't agree.

With Steve... I don't remember what exactly he said, but I believe it all focused back to the POJA... BUT we were not focusing on that subject at all as I believe he said his goal was to get us more connected first and build on that and we started with POJA.

Does she feel controlled in other areas... I suspect yes, BUT I mostly do the things my wife wants as I usually don't have a disagreement. In MANY areas she takes lead as I want to hear her desires and I normally don't disagree. The main area I think is still the Opposite Sex Boundaries. That is the main thing we have struggled with for years.

In regards to the "last word". In the past I did have the core 3 love busters and I may repeat my point multiple times in multiple ways as I didn't think she understood... when it turned out she did... she just didn't agree with me. That I believe has mostly been under control in the past 1.5 years. She has also been asked to let me know if she feels me doing that and if so tell me and I stop. She has done that a couple of times in the last year... and I stopped as I recognized I was re-iterating myself.

We don't argue or fight.

In regards to UA... it isn't exactly UA, but she called and asked if the family could go to dinner together, then we help get kids to bed and then we work on house preparing it for the open house this weekend. This isn't UA, but it is something that allows for time together and opportunity for me to try and build connectedness.

This depression (which is now obviously worse) and the medicine hasn't kicked in yet (they say it takes 4 weeks)... so trying to be "fun" during all of this, knowing what she is asking for and pushing me to do... even today asking me help get to separation makes this very difficult.

I have my wife asking for separation and wanting a signed agreement through "collaborative" divorce lawyers...

Then I have an lawyer I know who basically says do not leave the house, don't agree to leave the house, don't allow more than 50/50 physical custody of kids. Why... because whatever we setup now is what the courts will likely honor IF she went to court.

My wife is saying she wants the kids to stay in same bed Sunday through Thursday (she says mainly for school reasons and consistency) and then we alternate weekends. She even said she believes in it so strongly that it doesn't necessarily have to be under the same roof as her.

But when I suggested that since she was needing the space that we do what she suggests, but I am the one mainly with the kids during this 3 month period... she didn't say know, but you could see it was not what she wants and I absolutely wouldn't expect that.

It hurts me to even think of it in either direction. I don't want my kids to not see there mom some nights or me some nights.

If she is going to do this my lawyer said I need to make this a 50/50 child care or I will forever more be stuck in the example she gave.

There is no joy in this and divorce is absolutely the worst thing anyone could go through short of an affair leading to divorce.

When one is in the situation I am where the wife is still around for a short while longer do you still share that you love her or does that just push her away? I am not physically touching her, but a couple of times I have asked if I could give her a hug and she has allowed it. I just don't know what one does other than continue to love your wife in ways she allows.

Basically, you do a Plan A. Be the best spouse possible to prove You can be a fun and engaging spouse.

Also, your wife has other complaints or she wouldn't be leaving you. Rack your brain because the problems are there

Pro tip:Brevity is your friend.

Finally, we can't help if you don't bother to snoop. We can't care more about your marriage than you.

Have you considered emailing Dr. Harley"?

When a wife plays the controlling card it is she wants space so she can have an affair, resume an affair.

Time to go undercover. Give her space then observe. Though do not give up on getting 15 UA time every week.

OR... she is feeling controlled and my insecurities are leading to her feeling controlled in some areas. I am giving space, I always observe, and with her pushing for a separation I am trying to get any time she will allow. BUT... whatever time we manage to have the discussion of separation comes up on her side where she is wanting me to continue finding lawyer to help in filing an agreement.

I was talking to a long time friend who is also a pastor and has known us both and he shared that when he talked with her she could not articulate why other than how she felt (being controlled). He confirmed what I already knew and that is she has always avoided conflict... meaning if someone (including me) did or said something that may have bothered her or upset her she would not let on and would not say anything. When he asked her what she hoped to gain all she could say was she was tired and needed a break. He said for as long as he has known her she has always avoided conflict to try and have just peace / fun instead of dealing with them. And he confirmed he has seen my insecurities and the two together not properly handled (POJA) can lead to problems as we have seen.

You take her struggles to share a complaint or even let on something has bothered her add my insecurities, depression and very willing to share a complaint then I think that can be a bad mix. I think she feels the complaint as something that she has "screwed" up or "done wrong" were my intention is the share the complaint so we can resolve. But I know over the years (until the last year) we never did that properly and I had the 3 core love busters.

It will take all of the aspects of MB, but specifically in the area of POJA my wife and I have to both be able to share a complaint in the proper way and deal with it properly. We were just starting to use POJA in the "less emotional" areas of life with Steve Harley, but like I said we ran out of money and I didn't know what to do... which is a crap excuse as I see now.

Brevity is what I heard from my Pastor friend last night as well.

Yes... my struggle is "BREVITY". How much to include and what not to include. I sadly make decisions based on as much info as I can get so I tend to give too much... but struggle on how to shorten it. I will try to write something up that stays at one page letter size.

As an FYI: My wife called last night and offered up an option for the night. She asked if I would want to go to a restaurant for dinner with the kids, then go home and both help to get them in bed and then both work on cleaning up for the open house this weekend.

Of course I accepted and we had dinner with kids, played some trivia games together, not a huge amount of talk, but still an enjoyable family time (her number 2 emotional need is family).

On the day she announced she wanted separation she had taken off her wedding ring and other rings. Last night was the first night she had them back on and this morning they were back on again.

I don't want to read too much into that and the lawyer friend I have said she could simply be trying to lure me into thinking there is hope where there may not be as most lawyers will tell their client to not let the spouse know you are DONE even if you are, but to always leave a little bit of hope as it will be better for them during negotiation.

Stop trying to read her mind. It l
Leads nowhere. Get your snoop on.