Just as Susie Q said - snoop, avoid LB, make deposits.

Hi MySacredMarriage,
Why don't you ask your wife to take a polygraph.
Then you will know all the truth about past and present.

This will help both of you with trust issues and will help her stop lying in the future. After the first polygraph, agree to have the next one in 6 months or so. This will help her to stop lying and withholding info.

There is no way to have a marriage like this with all her lies and without trust and with weak boundaries around men. It's way too painful for you. If the truth is not out, how can the marriage be rebuilt?

The only thing I have not snoooped is the work email and I will work on that. Sounds like we are all waiting for a new big dark secret to come out... If I find something new I will definitely come back and share.

Right now I have to build the love bank and apparently I suck at it or I turn things into a negative somehow.

For example earlier she called and was telling me about the kids schedule. We are looking at 5 out of 7 days of some sort of sporting event and 3 of those 5 we would be separated. I am torn as I want kids to enjoy some sports, but they won't enjoy much if their parents can't get it together. But I clearly want more time with my wife so I say the following:

"We have too much going on. We have almost no time as it is to build our marriage. We have too many days of kids doing things."

She responds... "that is why we are taking a break Friday's. I would like Friday's to be our FAMILY evening(including kids)."

I respond... "so that means we have 5 out of 7 days doing something every night instead of 6 out of 7. That really is not much better. We are suppose to be doing the 8 to 9 time and then some after, but that is only happening about 1 time a week. Yes you may pause to take a 5 minute breaking reading and say something to me or maybe when you get to the end of reading you pause for 5 minutes to share a few kids schedule things... but in the end those 5 minute things only build up to about 1 to 2 hours a week. I want more time with us together"

Her response... "well if we could have more positive times then maybe we could have more time."

My response... "So if we have a tough conversation or even an easy one about our relationship or a concern or a hurt then it is negative and because it is negative you avoid having time? Wouldn't it make more sense to have much more time together so we have enough time to deal with any conflict or hurt and also have enough time to enjoy for the remainder of it. I can see if we only have 1 hour a week spread out through the week and we have a tough conversation sometime in that mix that maybe you wouldn't want to experience that again, but we can't run from these things... we have to push forward and get through the hurt and move to good things by having more good time."

I obviously frustrated her and she was on the defense. She said that there were some responses she could give, but knew it would not be helpful so she will hold her tongue. I don't get it... maybe she disagrees on the amount of time we have so I will start using my watch or phone to start timing it if that is what it takes for her to realize it is very little time. Maybe I put her on the defense by referencing her reading. I don't know. I know I wasn't speaking in an ugly tone and just sharing my desire.

Maybe one of you can see where I might have went wrong.

It was not clear to me...that's why I asked you to answer yes or no.

First I have ever heard of an employee being required to use a hospital issued cell phone and to be password locked. That's mighty convenient if you ask me.

Dr Harley would tell you that she either gives you the password anyway or she find another job. She should probably not work there anyway because of the two men you told us about.

I agree with IG that your counselor is steering you wrong.

Among some other issues that were other pointed out and some that weren't, Dr Harley would be looking very closely at her job.

(1) Affairs are very common in the medical field. It's risky for good marriages....not a good idea for someone who has a track record of seeking the attentions from the opposite sex.
(2) The job prevents transparency and OM1 and 2 work there.

She needs a different job.

You said you wanted more time together and she insulted you to avoid it.

Sorry but I've been there when the way you breathe is incorrect. Having to discuss real life problems - It simply doesn't measure up to when they've been having such problem-free, reality-free sympathy-based fun fests with other people.

That said I would tweak one thing, which is to cut off the debate a bit earlier. Avoid love bank deposits by being too lectury (even if she is being insutling) Like so:

This I would leave the same:



At this juncture, WELCOME the complaint. Expect lots, too.

"Honey I would love that! What do you suggest? I would like a real romantic time at xxxxx (name a place she loves/good memory)

She will say no very likely. But offering will make a deposit and defensiveness will make withdrawals.

Also, once you start welcoming her complaints with open arms, be prepared for her to get huffy about that.

The complaints are designed to keep you in victim mode and to keep the negativity alive.

If you are negative then she isn't the bad one.

Be persistently hard to insult!

Oh and whenever she says no; Smile and accept it as her right. Like the confident man who knows he will get the date some time.

Susie,

You may have missed it... OM1 and OM2 were consultants that came in on average 1 week a month. And then near go live for project they may be there for several weeks. They did communicate via email on work regularly... out of all the emails that went back and forth they were not ALL playful. But clearly a friendship was there. It would look like the type of friendship that a single person might have, but didn't look like love interest "yet". At least that is how it looked to me and many times the email was to both guys and not just one... although OM1 is the one that really concerned me.

She NOW works with a guy OM3 in the same room and on same projects regularly. This guy's wife works down the hall. He is a gregarious Puerto Rican gentleman that from what she has shared with me does do some banter back and forth. She is honest that sometimes there is playful banter (not sexual). What one may call teasing. She says that happens at times, but is not a regular thing. I understand that is her word and no way I can validate.

I agree but I'm tempted to say he shouldn't make a big deal while he is snooping. Waywards slip up. If she's comfortable he would never snoop, as history has proven, she might put info somewhere else, unprotected by a password, where he can see it.

You know more about in-depth SSL's though....

Thank you... that was good. I will definitely need to bounce more of this sort of thing out here and make sure I do everything I can to remove negativity or anything that can be used against me. That will be difficult as the hurt and open wounds have not healed and things are so tender with my heart I struggle not to allow that to come out in other ways.

It's what she doesnt say that concerns me:

"After several years of unhappiness I reached a point where I became needy for other company (why then) I've been lying to you for a year. I've now decided this was your fault (why all of a sudden). Nothing happened but we need counselling (why if everything she experienced elsewhere was so ultra normal) I want you to edify me but if you try I will block all attempts"

Her story has more holes in than swiss cheese.

Please do, she will be a tough cookie I predict.

I really do feel the SSL has moved on since around 08/13. She has been more honest with me and with her thoughts in the last 3 months than ever before. Yes some things hurt, but I rather have her be truthful with her beliefs or thoughts than lies to keep out pain or discomfort. But I am keeping my eyes open and will continue looking.

Will work on that one! It is so hard to smile and accept it when in my mind I am thinking why would you say no or not want to do something to build the marriage or whatever... but then again my response of "why would you..." probably makes her feel judged or comes across as love buster. So need to avoid that.

It won't come naturally. But you are a smart man and know where your poker face is. You must have used it in dating, just because you don't expect to use it in marriage doesn't mean you can't.

Be James Bond.

Yes... I see the holes... she did want counseling a couple of years earlier and my pride got in the way. I felt we should be able to work out of the funk ourselves. I always will consider myself like the chief of sinners as Paul writes in the Bible. I know my own pride, my own selfishness, my own anger, my own struggles and they are not pretty.

Again NO EXCUSE for her actions, but she did want to go way before all of this.

Now my wife is definitely good at the poker face... but I generally know when it is a poker face. Me on the other hand... have almost always wore my heart on my sleave... or at the most you knew if I was ticked or hurt.

The sad thing is I am a very difficult man to get angry... but it seems my wife has the combination... just like I know I have it for her. My anger only comes out with hurt... I just don't naturally get angry. Maybe it makes no sense.

Anyway... that is one thing she did ask for a while back... that when we have a difficult spot to not let it keep me in a negative place (mainly for the kids), but overall. But I always felt like it was me saying if I act ok then I am saying it is ok.

But I see the value in what you are saying and do need to not let struggles pull me down and sort of prevent me from continuing to build love bank.

What is the snooping plan? I thought I saw him say he's going to ask the W to show him the phone. That won't work.

What are you going to do to snoop?

The way that she's got it all set up, it will be impossible for him to catch her. Maybe if he puts a VAR in the car for a week or two. I got the sense that he was unwilling to do that.

What say you, OP?

Do they still work at the same company, regardless of whether they are consultants? They still have access to each other via work email?