I'm trying to figure out how to be more honest. I found this quotation from Dr. Harley on another thread to be interesting:

Regarding honesty, he would have a much easier time being honest if he could control his impulses. There would be less to lie about. But since he's in the habit of lying about so much, he must get into the habit of telling the truth. That means that every factual statement he utters must be evaluated for it's truthfulness, and when it's found to be a lie, he must correct the statement before the one he said it to, and apologize for it.

Again, you would turn out to be his honesty coach. In the lesson on honesty in your Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook, there are worksheet that analyze the problems he has with dishonesty and document his progress toward honesty.

The biggest problem we have with the spouses of husbands with these problems is that they don't want to be their coach. They want their impulsive and dishonest husbands to fix themselves. While that is possible for an individual to overcome impulsiveness and dishonesty with intense and prolonged therapy, there are very few therapists with the skill to do it, and the cost is astronomical.

So the best way to deal with his problem is to spend essentially every hour that you are not working together monitoring his behavior to avoid impulsiveness, and evaluating his statements of fact to determine if they are truthful. If you do this for, say, three months, you will see vast improvement in both impulsiveness and dishonesty. The amount of contact can taper off somewhat at that point.

Now I am the one with the honesty problem, not my husband. I don't lie about money or purchases, but more about what I am feeling and thinking and occasionally doing if I think he won't approve ( For example, he has been working hard until 8 or 9 pm. I just don't feel like working much past 6, so maybe I spent part of the time on the internet and then taking a bubble bath. I will lie and say I read a book or worked on a project because I don't want to seem lazy next to him.

I have started to be more honest when I am aware of my feelings. But to be honest, I don't even know what I think or feel about things until time has passed, so I might tell him I am okay with something, but when I think it over I am not if that makes sense. I need him to do what is involved above and evaluate everything I say for truthfulness because I tend to day what he wants to hear or what will make him feel good.

I was just recently honest with him about sex, which was really really hard. My husband does not have a dishonest bone in his body and he just doesn't have a clue how hard it is for me to reveal my real self.

How do I go about doing this on a more consistent basis. How do I not care what he thinks about me and just be honest about how I feel even if it makes him upset?

tiredwife45

I totally understand how you feel, that he wouldn't like you very much if he honestly saw who you really are. I struggle with that insecurity too. What works for me is understanding how much more it undercuts me in the eyes of my wife when I'm not honest. What I was lying about is some much better then the fact that I lied about it.

I know for me it is a huge love buster when my wife fail to inform me about her feeling especially when it relates to us.

My wife and I talk about our sex life and we are open about what we like or don't. I prefer knowing in a timely manner and would be crushed if my wife had not been honest about something I was or wasn't doing in bed for a long time.

For be even though it is hard sometimes I just remember the times I failed to be honest and the hurt that love buster caused. It might help to talk to your husband more to really understand his hurt.

I also find that the more I jump that huddle past my fear the more love units seem to be added to my bank and my wife's bank. Which always puzzle me and seem to make it easier for me to do it the next time.

I hope that help and I'm sure you husband is more happy the sad that you shared. Keep it up.

This is the guy who won't spend the time with you that every woman needs from her husband, right? Fifteen hours giving you his undivided attention? (Please correct me if I'm wrong about this point - but last I remember he wouldn't.)

I'd say he's lazy for not doing this, and you are probably far past the point of being worn out.

There is no sense focusing on much of anything until he agrees to start scheduling the fifteen hours of undivided attention.

Since he won't spend time meeting your emotional needs, I would imagine you are not very enthusiastic about sex. If this upsets him, let him know that there is a way he can correct the situation. Your feelings are 100% caused by him. He is responsible for them.

No, actually it is the opposite. I want it a lot more often than he does. He has been doing A LOT better meeting my emotional needs. Affection and affirmation have been incredible. He has really been working on those areas. I still need the recreational companionship ( my number one need) and SF.

The issue was that I was lying about O's. I wasn't having them and wanted him to think that I was so he would feel better if that makes sense.

Great sex presents a great opportunity to meet his need for Affirmation and Affection. If you are able to affirm him when he is doing the right thing, then you wouldn't have to lie about Os and he would be more willing to meet your need for SF because you are meeting his need for Affirmation and Affection.

I find men that have Affirmation as a primary need are very sensitive to Love Busters and have a hard time meeting their wife's need for SF when love busters are present. In some cases they independently meet their own sexual needs instead.

They have a hard time believing affirmations in or out of bed when their are love busters during the rest of the day. I'm not saying that is the case with you, just giving you information that might be useful to you.

So in short you have to talk more during love making so he can feel confident in what he is doing, you need to affirm him when he is doing the right thing. And the more you do that the more you will put love units into his bank when making love to you, because you will be meeting both of his 2 primary ENs. Bonus he will also be adding major love units into your bank and you wont have to lie about Os.

Again, I second what Markos is saying.
Yes or NO: Is he scheduling 15 hours a week to meet your emotional needs without kids? (This would include all 4 top needs of RC, SF, IC and AF.)

If the answer is no.... you will NEVER be happy, NEVER be "in Love" and is a no starter.

Your husband has also been guilty of Disrespectful Judgements (your posts are littered by them). It can be impossible to be honest with a person who is guilty of them. It would make sense why You are TERRIFIED of looking bad in his eyes. This is a feeling he gives you ON PURPOSE regularly. It does keep you in line.

I am in the online program. If you guys will not make the 15 hours at least - then your marriage will suffer, YOU will suffer as you are now and there is no fixing it. I view Honesty as just a symptom of your husbands treatment Tiredwife...
(and please don't come back saying he is such a great guy... who cares? Most of us here are actually great people who just had NO clue how to have a happy/successful marriage and that is your husband)

You need to be a broken record. This is where you need to start: not honesty as a whole. Be honest about this first.
I need 15 hours a week alone on dates with you. I am devastated you will not do this. I am suffering greatly. You need to figure out a way to do this. Every day. All day. Never let this go away.
1. I need this time where you meet my needs 15 to 20 hours a week.
2. I am in extreme anguish and pain you are not doing this and you are the direct cause.

If tiredwife is lying about having an orgasm, or pretending to have one when she hasn't had one, she will never solve her problem by praising her husband. (I think you mean "admiration" rather than "affirmation". "Affirmation" isn't on Dr H's list of ENs.)

"I find men that have Affirmation as a primary need are very sensitive to Love Busters and have a hard time meeting their wife's need for SF when love busters are present."

How many men have you found this with? Have you done research on this? Have you talked about this with several men, or are you talking about yourself?

"So in short you have to talk more during love making so he can feel confident in what he is doing, you need to affirm him when he is doing the right thing."

He does not need to feel confident in what he is doing if he is not making love in a way that is satisfying to his wife.

tiredwife is either keeping quiet about her lack of orgasms or she is faking them. The solution to that problem begins with honesty; not with her trying even harder not to love bust and to meet his emotional needs, when her top need for UA time is not being met at all.

Sugar

"If tiredwife is lying about having an orgasm, or pretending to have one when she hasn't had one, she will never solve her problem by praising her husband. (I think you mean "admiration" rather than "affirmation". "Affirmation" isn't on Dr H's list of ENs.)"

You are right I meant admiration.

Praising her husband in the bed when he is doing what she once in bed, does get him to do more of what she wants him to do in bed. If he does more of what she wants in bed, she is more likely to get an O. I don't see any other concussion of cause I'm assuming that want to have an O with him because she say SF is in her top 2.

"How many men have you found this with? Have you done research on this? Have you talked about this with several men, or are you talking about yourself? "

Yes have talk to several men and the few that I have meet that identify admiration as one of their primary EN that is what I have found after talk to them and their wives. I haven't said that what I'm saying has gone through rigorous double blind studies I'm just sure what I have observed. If you have observed something different or have research contradicts what I have observed then I would love to see it.

Admiration is in my top 5 but it is not in my top 2. As I said I haven't found many men that have admiration in their top 2 and I'm sureing what I observe with those men.

"He does not need to feel confident in what he is doing if he is not making love in a way that is satisfying to his wife.

tiredwife is either keeping quiet about her lack of orgasms or she is faking them. The solution to that problem begins with honesty; not with her trying even harder not to love bust and to meet his emotional needs, when her top need for UA time is not being met at all."

I'm sorry it wasn't clear I'm not asking her to lie to him that is exactly what I don't want her to do. I'm asking her to teach him what to do by praising him when he does that she wants. Her praising him will also meet his need for admiration. I hope that makes sense I to you tiredwife.

tiredwife, I feel other posters has also given you great things to think about as well. I'm not in your marriage and I'm just giving you information that might help or may not be relevant at all. Take what you can.

Ok, I think some of you are confused. My top needs are Admiration, affection, SF and recreational companionship. HE has been doing much better in the admiration and affection department.

His top needs are honesty and openness, family commitment, domestic support and physical attractiveness.. He is all about the kids so my being a good mom is VERY important to him. I do not believe I am love busting him.

Oh and I was completely open and told him I had been faking them and am no longer doing so. However we have only made love once since I told him and it was pretty ackward.

TW, those are not intimate emotional needs, which means he is not in love. People don't fall in love over O/H, FC, and DS because they are not intimate emotional needs.

This is the reason that the UA time is so critical. Once he falls in love with you again, those top ENs will change.

You have been here a long time and don't seem to be any further along in the program than when you arrived. Have you considered getting professional help? If do it yourself doesn't work - and you know it doesn't work with you - then it is time to get some help, don't you think?

I am VERY in love with him and he is in love with me. I am just looking for advice about how to learn to be honest.

I believe you when you say you are in love with him. The fact that he cites his top ENs as non-intimate EN's indicates he is probably not, though. People who are not in love tend to do cite the non intimate emotional needs as their top ENs because they are checked out of the marriage.

I don't know how to answer the question "how to be honest" other than to say just do it. If you are not in the habit, then you change that habit by being honest.

There you go! Your answer was in your first post. You just change your habits. It is much like quitting smoking. At first it feels awkward, but after awhile it comes naturally.

You seem to be avoiding the questions about your UA time. You do know that this program doesn't work without that step, right?

How many hours per week do you spend together ALONE getting UA time meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs?

Dr. Harley mentioned in that quote about having your spouse help you to be honest. I was wondering how to get my husband to help me do that. He has been asking me every so often how we are doing and I can tell him better but not great. It seems to make him discouraged. He thinks he has been doing better. Then I tell him that I need more time with him. That he has been doing great about hugging and holding hands and telling me all the things I am doing correctly instead of doing incorrectly. In fact, he hasn't criticized me in a long time. He is asking me what I REALLY think about things. He is doing SO much better. I thank him all the time for those things. But I do tell him that for our marriage to be great I need more time.

So I guess I tell him to just keep asking me those things. It is just so hard for me to share my inner thoughts and feelings. That said, he had almost no reaction to the sex revelation. He was sorry that I hadn't, but he wasn't mad at all and thanked me for being honest and telling him and that he wanted me to do that.

I guess Rome wasn't built in a day. I'll just keep trying to be honest even when it is hard.

Don't give up, TW. It obviously is important to him and I can tell he does not want to waste his time making the wrong moves. That is more frustrating than anything. A complaint is not that enjoyable to get, but the alternative is so much worse. It is like getting a NSF notice
from the bank. It is not enjoyable but you can't correct the problem if you don't get it.

Your husband is a grown man who can take the truth. He wants your guidance. You just have to get into the habit and after a while your complaints will be few.

BUT, the key thing is to get 15 hours of UA time per week. The program doesn't work without that.


Exactly! As with any new habit, it is not easy at first. But keep doing this until it is second nature.

I still don't think I've seen an answer to this.

The two main things I think you need are a commitment to following the 15 hour POUA, and a commitment from him not to love bust when you are honest. It might bother him to hear that you aren't climaxing sexually, but he must not become demanding, disrespectful, or angry about it.

If those things are in place, I believe this can be easily worked out. Dr. Harley has mentioned books about how to achieve female orgasm.

Take special note that the UA time is for meeting those 4 specific needs, regardless of how each spouse currently ranks the needs.

That's what we're saying, isn't it? You need those 15 hours, every week. And they need to be the best part of his week, as well - that will motivate him to do them.