Blindsided,

I feel for you as I know what loss means.
I lost my older daughter when she was a baby. Compare to that pain my divorce was a nice walk at the school playground.

The first step towards healing is to accept your loss. You are still fighting and hoping but the battle was lost a year ago.

I believe that you need to accept that it's over and your ex and you are done.

Regarding girls exchange arrangements - you need to put more creativity into arranging someone's help.

Bindsided, an excellent resource might be a local church. The only reason I am posting all of these encouragements about your faith is because you have referenced you are a Christian. I don't know what denomination your faith is, but most of them would only be too happy to help you.

My church leadership is constantly reaching out to me to make sure I'm OK and whether they can do anything. You could ask the leadership in your church to help you find someone who could help with the exchanges - at least for the initial time until you catch your breath. They are usually just looking for ways to serve and minister to their people. They really are happy to help you.

Also, do you attend church regularly? Sometimes I read such loneliness in your posts; dedicating your Sundays to worshiping God and to seeking Christian fellowship could give you a great bounce to start your week off.

My faith tradition is quite old fashioned in that we do our best to observe this one:

"Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor they daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor they stranger that is within thy gates:....:

To us, that means putting aside working, shopping and business of any kind on Sundays. Resting to restore your soul and your body.

So Sundays are "body and soul" days in my household. Resting our bodies might mean getting out in the sunshine for a long walk (or run). Taking a nap. Taking the time to serve a really healthy meal for the family. Keeping it holy in my household means going to church twice; Christian fellowship where there is opportunity; taking the time to read more chapters in a good (spiritually based) book, etc. Perhaps a longer devotional time than usual.

No matter what is going on in my life, Mondays are always my favorite weekday. I always feel like I'm at my best and so refreshed on Mondays.

So please consider trying to get help from your church leadership for the exchanges, and consider using Sunday as an opportunity to draw closer to God while resting/restoring your body. It really is a great boost!

I go to church every Sunday. I do all that. What do I do while I'm there and my girls are in the kids ministry? I think abou how much more awesome it would be if we were all there as a complete family. I can't escape it.

Antidepressants - to make me Suicidal? No thanks. Have enough of that already.

The fact that you think anyone here would advise you to shake hands with OM shows how little you have learned about the marriage builders program.

Why not learn and try?

Of course it would be awesome. But what is the probability that it's going to happen?

It also would be awesome, if you would have been fully employed during your marriage and had a loving relationship with your wife and divorce has never happened.

You need to focus on your reality not your dreams.

Focus on everyday routine steps. The first one - how to arrange intermediary for the girls exchange. You need to put some efforts into that, probably make some sacrifices. Again, you need to use your creativity if you avoid to ask your friends or your family. That is your challenge.

Just do it!!!

Blindsided,

This is hindsight, and probably easy for me to say, but couldn't you have ignored the OM's presence by focusing on your kids and your exW and stayed awhile longer? It would have also served as a reminder to this OM that he has no acceptable role whatsoever in your kids' lives. Your leaving abruptly probably disappointed your daughter and may have given her the impression that this guy's presence can run you off. As your kids get older and if your exW stays with this guy there probably will be other similar events in the future at which he is present.

I'm wondering if you've considered emailing an update of your situation to Dr. Harley and asking him for updated advice based on that - i.e, Plan A or Plan B. The person just above offered you some good advice - using your church as a resource for a possible IM if you do elect to go Plan B, It's my belief that many churches have various ministries focusing on support groups for grief, divorce, etc. If you investigate further you may get to know someone who would be willing to act as your IM. I seem to recall tho that you don't have a formal visitation in place, and that your exW is allowing you visitation based on her schedule and her 'good graces'. If this is correct, then I think you would need to get this firmed up before electing a Plan B.

Other than this, I'll leave advice to you to the more experienced here - the only thing I can do is offer some prayers for you and your situation.

Tom

Hey everyone. Long weekend with the girls. One has been sick so it has been rough and boring - been inside the whole time.

Jedi, can you PM me? I have something I want to discuss off the forum.

Sir, the MB Forum does not allow Private Messaging; it is disabled.

Really? I thought it was a matter of enabling it in your profile preferences.

No, it cannot be enabled. I assume it was disabled to avoid the possibility of affairs occurring between posters during time of emotional stress and vulnerability.

Well dang. How can I discuss something off of here?

*sigh* I just cannot win with this woman.

So my 5 year old gets sick over the holiday weekend (again), and she was still sick after my xW picked her up. As a result, she had to cancel a bunch of clients the next day to take her to the doctor and keep her home from daycare, etc.

Let me clarify something also. I have my girls every Friday night, Saturday and every other Sunday. My xW randomly asks me to keep them the whole weekend so she can do whatever - go to the lake with captain dreamboat POSOM or what have you. Fine, I love being with my kids so I always oblige. It's never a 'trade' of weekends.

Okay, so I had them all weekend and Monday as well. She asked me if I could take Friday off to watch them so she could make up that lost day, okay? I said no because uh... I WORK that day and I don't get paid for holidays. I can't afford it.

So I get a text tonight from her. I'll just transcribe it:


xW: Just wanted to make sure you're keeping the girls through Sunday this weekend. I need to schedule some clients that day. I will have them next weekend for sure. (This is HER weekend to have them Sunday)

Me: I have a meeting Sunday afternoon.

xW: What time?

Me: Right after church. I can keep them Saturday and take them to church, but you'd have to pick them up there.

xW: I didn't ask you to swap weekends when I asked you to take them last week. Was planning on sticking to the schedule. How long will that go? I can pick them up for while but I need to work in the evening unless I can move my client to the morning but I'm not sure yet what her work schedule is. It's the only day she can come.

Supposed to hear back from her tonight but so far nothing.

Me: I have no idea what the schedule is any more. (Not true, but I should keep my mouth shut here, avoid spurious comments)

It will take the rest of the afternoon.

xW: It's not my fault you aren't responsible enough to put it in your calendar.

Me: Every text ends up with you belittling me. Ever notice that?

xW: Sorry but I have very little tolerance for immature bullish** and people who make excuses.

Me: I have a meeting.

xW: What time is the service over?

###

What the heck am I supposed to do with that? I have a meeting, I am not lying to her. I made it three weeks ago KNOWING the schedule with the girls. I know what the schedule is - every OTHER week. Cripes. Last weekend was my weekend to have them ANYWAY, so I don't know where she is coming up with this stuff.

So she is mad at me for what, exactly? Not accommodating her OR her client because I have a meeting? She is mad at me for her missing a day of work because our daughter was sick? I offered to be as accommodating as I possibly can while being civil, then she comes out with the insults and belittling, which she does pretty much every time she texts me.

But more importantly, why is she still this angry? She's HAPPY, she's told me and the girls enough times. Where is the POSOM when she needs favors like this?? Seriously, she divorced me, why would she even expect me to do anything for her, then get mad at me when I don't do ENOUGH?? I am just lazy and immature and whatever.

She wonders why I never f***ed her enough (as she put it).

THIS is why. She treats me like I am stupid ad useless. She was like this when we were married, too. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I might be better off.

I can't offer MB based advice until you choose to follow one of Dr. Harley's programs.

I feel this will continue until the kids are grown if you dont choose a plan and stick with it.

She treats you like this because you allow it. Establish boundaries with her and enforce them.

When she talks disrespectfully to you, you can simply say, "I do not appreciate being talked to that way. In the future I expect to be treated with more respect". You can further state you will not communicate with her if she talks to you that way again, AND THEN DON'T TALK TO HER if she talks that way to you again. It is important to follow up your words with actions or she won't believe what you say.

I realize this. I posted this to show where my frustration comes from. I know I said something that elicited her negative reaction, but a lot of times I don't have to say a thing and she unleashes. I wish I could take the girls all weekend but I honestly have a meeting and can't really reschedule without having to miss work which I can't afford.

I also posted it to see if anyone might have some insight as to why she is still pulling this cr*p with me. Why does she still expect me to honor any request she makes at any time? If I had no desire to restore my family I would tell her to get stuffed.

Her sense of frustration is that she has a problem and you would rather get rude and snarky with a "not my problem attitude" than join her in brainstorming to find a solution, such as when you said "Me: I have no idea what the schedule is any more."

Just as in the prior exchange, you'd rather make her solve all of the problems while you take side potshots. You made no suggestions whatsoever to resolve the problems, only demands about what you needed from the weekend.

Did you ever give her your address and the information she was looking for to enroll your daughter in school?

For someone who really wishes to attract her back and reunite with her, you sure don't treat her very nicely.

That's exactly what you did tell her by refusing to join in with her to resolve the problem.

Why couldn't you offer to check your Sunday appmt for rescheduling? Or tell her that you could take Friday off but you won't get paid; would it be ok if your child support was a little less that month if you took Friday off?

Edited to add: It's not like SHE isn't rescheduling all of HER appointments because your daughter was sick. Yet you would not offer to even try to do the same.

Blinded's observation is backwards. He is the one escalating the tension in the exchanges.

Do you realize SHE could say those exact same paragraphs about you? Except that she was vigorously trying to rearrange her appointments and you would rather be rude than offer to do the same.

Did I really deserve that browbeating? Sure, I could reschedule my meeting for two weeks from then, but nothing would get done. I made this appt three weeks ago around the girls' schedule. I cannot rearrange my life every time she wants me to. I would if I could but I have a little bit of a life and commitments to keep. Again, where is POS in this scenario? Does she not trust him with our kids? Does he not kick in some money to see that his trophy isn't struggling? I thought they were in luuuuv.

She's hurting for money. Most of her problems arise from the fact that we are divorced. She chose this path. When is the fog going to lift, exactly? She has already defied the odds with this Dbag.

I do what I can when I can, which is a lot. Sometimes I have to say no.