Hi all.
Pls give.me.honest advice. I have divorced wife with 1 child. Now married..this is arranged marriage which is common where I cone from..I dont find wife atractive n don't like much like bed..muscle saggy..feels like a very old person..

Me n x wife have decided to get back n take some counseling as well. I am more excited n happy to go back. But I have this family fear n having to disappoint them. I feel like if I go back to her. I might lose my family n not able to see father mother.

Should I do what I feel like doing or should I continue in same relation to make other people happy...pls advice

Welcome to MB, maa.

I'm sorry to say but it really does not help us understand your problem if you write in such an abbreviated fashion. Why do you write like this?

"Me n x wife have decided to get back n take some counseling as well."

I'm having difficulty understanding what you are saying. Are you saying that you and your ex wife - the one from whom you are divorced - are back together and seeing a counsellor?

If so, are you still married to your new wife?

Are you having an affair with your ex wife?

Why did you get divorced from your ex-wife?

Did either of you have an affair while still married?

LTL

Hi All,
@SugarCane-what i was trying to say is; i am thinking about getting divorced with newly wed wife and getting married to my first wife-which is now divorced; it is not easy when you have a child involved and having to see the baby every 2 weeks or so and still love ur wife. i don't find my new wife attractive and not see anything common;
I do want to divorce new wife and get married to divorced wife. but i feel so scared bc it was sort f nasty divorce where friends/relatives were involved and messed the case..

@LearnedTooLate- i am a quiet/silent type of guy. wife is more of a talker. there were no communication between us and since i was living with my mom/dad-it also had to do with break up;
neither one were involved in any affair...

i intend to file divorce with new wife and get married to divorced one. am i doing it right/wrong? i know its not fair to new wife; but still i have to think whats best of me-selfish..and everyone is when it comes to love..i am thinking about what i want and with who i feel attracted to esp when there is a child..pls correct me

Are you saying that this was the reason for the divorce?

You were in love with her, you had a child with her, and yet you divorced because you're not much of a talker?

And having divorced her in January and married someone in April, by May you want to go back to her? You don't sound very stable to me. Not good marriage material. What are you going to do if your ex wife has another baby and also develops saggy muscles? Will you divorce her again?

You're going to marriage counselling; did you do this before you got divorced?

Why does she want you back, if she was willing to let you go because you didn't talk to her much the first time round? How have you changed?

I'm afraid your post is not much of an explanation. You're not giving us very much to go on.

Sorry let me explain a bit:
About me: i am quiet, not a talker, very sensitive about comments..so when wife says this n that; i take it very emotionally and stress started build up. this is why i filed for divorce..

About divorced(x) wife: she is talker, lil aggregrive, gets angry soon, doesnt realize what she says, says things which hurt others..i got married to her like arranged as well. had a child with her

while the divorce was pending,i tried my best to get x wife back, but due to family/friends/relative- thins got very messy and divorce got finalized. now that things are quiet,we talked about it and seeing to improve things;i have already spoken to her parents..they are fine with my decision. i am just worried about my parents-they will get hurt...

we both are planning for some type of counseling; and also to make sure to have open communication and not have divorce again...treat each other well.

i know every couple fight, so why not go back to x wife and work things out instead of starting all over new...child will suffer and wife is in 30s and me late 30s..we are not a young couple..so wanted to take it forward very cautiously...

Explain the part about living with your Mom/Dad please.

Is that while you were Single for 3 months between 1st Wife and 2nd Wife?

Did you and your 1st Wife live at your Mom/Dads?

Do you and your 2nd Wife live with your Mom/Dads?

LTL

I'm really not sure what you are looking for help with. You seem to be moving forward on this path, so what exactly is your question?

I think I understand your question now.

Have you talked to your father and mother about your wish to remarry your first wife? You need to do this. At the moment you are talking about "fearing" losing them, and that you "might" not be able to see them. Quite obviously, you need to know that actual position. It makes no sense to discuss this if you don't even know their attitude.

If they say that they will cut off contact with you (and they won't budge from this) then you need to decide which you want more: your ex wife or your parents. It's that simple.

What is not acceptable is for you to be having an emotional affair with your ex wife while married to a new wife. All this talk about remarriage, and going as far as seeing a counsellor, is a betrayal and deception of your wife. I'm sure she'll be devastated to hear what you have been doing with your ex within no more than a month of marrying. You have quite possibly ruined her life.

You can build a romantic marriage with your wife using the Marriage Builders programme but the first step towards that is to stop seeing your ex and abandon plans for remarriage. (It is outrageous to talk about marriage when you are in fact married already.) You can see your child without seeing its mother.

If you have no wish to even try and make your marriage work, you need to explain your bad behaviour to your wife, apologise to her for betraying her and start divorce proceedings. You should not see your ex wife again until you are fully divorced.

This situation should never have happened because you should never have had an intimate conversation with your ex wife once you remarried.

You sound like TERRIBLE marriage material. You sound weak and incapable of taking responsibility for your marriage, past and present. If I were your wife I would wash my hands of you as quickly as possible. if I were your ex, I would run far from you. If you can treat a wife the way you are treating yours today, you could be treating your ex wife the same way once she marries you. You divorced her without too much angst once before, regardless of the fact that you have a child together, and you could do so again.

However, if she wants to marry you she needs to start off on the correct footing, and that does not involve your still being married. When the ink is dry on the divorce papers, the two of you need to learn about building entirely new habits so that your needs are met in marriage and you do not go through this charade again.

I encourage you to email Dr. Harley for advice: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

EDIT: I know several people in arranged marriages and they have learned to love each other over time. If you use Dr. Harley's program, you would be more attracted to your new wife.
But you cannot have two wives. It is not fair to either of them and a disgrace to both families.

Quite to the contrary, my friend - this is a myth. And a very dangerous myth.

The truth is that most couples fight - but most couples are also unhappy.

Dr. Harley researched the small minority of couples that are happily married to see what things they do differently. Those things form the basis of his Marriage Builders program.

One major difference is that these couples do not fight! When they have disagreements, they refrain from making demands, being disrespectful, or having angry outbursts. They also refrain from moving onward on the area of dispute until they are both in enthusiastic (not reluctant) agreement.

The best book to start with to learn how to not fight is Dr. Harley's book Love Busters.

You might also get a lot of benefit out of this article from Dr. Harley:
How to negotiate when you are an emotional person

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site yet?

Can you clarify - are you currently married to someone else?

If so, it is important to cut off all contact with any former lovers, including your ex wife.

If you are currently married, can you send your current wife here to post here?

de.

i did speak to mother. and she was not happy to hear it. my father is more of a boss; he will be devasted to hear it. i assume, time heals..

Thanks for your feedback SugarCane; but honestly i am attracted to x. so i am planning to go back to her.i know it sounds very mean but i cannot be n a relatonship trying to pretend like 'i love you' anymore; i am sure everyone has their own views when selecting a partner. for me physical attraction is more important than character..
I am not someone where i can date before marriage or go to club to fnd someone...

I'm sorry but you don't sound very sure about anything. A married man needs to certain. Take some time to grow up.

Most certainly don't disrespect this new wife with an affair. She doesn't deserve that and it will create a huge mess. Avoid contact with all former lovers until you are properly divorced. Then make decisions independently of your parents and take time to grow up.

They won't treat you as a man until you behave as one.

Fair enough. You know what you want to do.

Why did you post here, though? What kind of "honest advice" were you looking for? Advice about what?

I am honestly attracted to many women! But it would hurt my wife and children horribly if I acted on that attraction, so I do not spend time with other women, have personal conversations with them, etc.

We are not animals - we do not have to act on every impulse we have.

Your family would respect you more if you learned impulse control.

I am not sure how that makes it right to put another human being through terrible and horrendous pain. It would hurt your wife LESS if you would arrange a quick divorce and not spend time with other women or have conversations with them during that time. It would still hurt, but it would not be the unbearable pain of an affair.

We have seen women suffer all kinds of horrible emotional and physical problems due to their husbands having an affair. We have seen women who wind up in the hospital, in the mental ward, with post traumatic stress disorder, with compromised immune systems. The list goes on and on.

I ask again (you rudely ignored my question): can you send your current wife here to post so we can support her? She is going to be hurting horribly, soon. You can get whatever you want and are willing to take it no matter who it hurts, so frankly I don't care about you any more - but she is going to need help. Can you send her here? I'd like us to be able to help her avoid hospitalization.

We help the hurting people here, not the ones who are selfish they do whatever they want regardless of who it hurts. You're on your own.

I have spent days and weeks here on this site helping affair victims who act like they have fallen into a vat of acid and are hurting so horribly all they do is scream and can't even think clearly enough to get out. You are perpetrating that same pain on another human being.

Please send her here.

Were both marriages arranged or just the second?

If the first one was not arranged, how did you meet and marry the woman?