I would really like some advice. My BF and I have been together for 5 years and have a 3 year old. Before I say anything about what he has done, I need to say that over the first 4 years I wasnt completely faithful and to my knowledge he is unaware of that.
With that being said, we separated back in October and at the beginning of January we got back together and he moved back home. I was honest to a point, with him about what was going on with me during our separation. He never told me anything about any other women. Yes, we still did things together and still was having sex, etc during our separation. A short time after he moved back, I found out that he was cheating with a woman he met while we were separated and also with his ex GF. He had a second phone that he kept at work and occasionally brought home (i found it several times). He was having sex with them both for the first couple months after he moved back home.
I have never confronted him about this even though, I know with 100% certainty that it happened. (He never deleted anything off the "secret" phone). As far as I know, this happened a total of 4 or 5 times during jan and feb.
As far as i know nothing has happened since the beginning of march. I actually caught him going to meet one of them. I "happened" to be at the right place at the right time and lets say I intercepted the meeting. I have told him a few times that I have heard things and even told him i knew about the phone. But never told him I actually saw the phone. Of course, he got angry etc. Over the last 3 months things have gotten much better. I honestly do not believe anything is going on and I believe he has gotten rid of the phone. So what I am struggling with internally, is that I don't want our relationship to be like it was before, secretive, dishonest etc. Despite all the above, we do love each other and I did hurt him by kicking him out in the first place. So I do recognize my responsibility in this situation. At this point I do not know whether I should sit him down and tell him I know everything that happened or just deal with it internally and let time heal. I believe that he has an idea that I know. I find myself struggling with this to the point it consumes me. On one hand, I wouldn't want him to confront me on things I did prior to our separation and think that I should just deal with it on my own. On the other hand, I feel compelled sometimes to tell him, like I am being dishonest. But I also wonder if its just because I am in the angry stage. So any advice? I am sorry if I rambled.

Confused,

I know all of this has hurt you, but unless you are married, neither of you has made any vows of faithfulness and care to each other. Lots of people who live together without marrying think marriage is little more than a piece of paper, but this is false. Marriage means making certain promises to each other in front of witnesses.

You and your boyfriend are in a renter/freeloader relationship, meaning you are each there until something better comes along. The way to make it a buyer relationship is to marry and to follow, for the rest of your lives, the Policy of Joint Agreement.

What Dr. Harley would likely recommend is for you to move out with your little boy. If you still think your BF is marriage material, then you could suggest learning the Marriage Builders principles together before you marry. If he doesn't want to marry you, then move on. He was a freeloader all the while.

And I'll tell you something, when a man really wants a woman to be HIS for the rest of his life, he WANTS to marry her, because he doesn't want to lose her.

Take a look through this great thread on the three kinds of relationships: Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders

Whenever someone chooses to have an affair, they automatically begin to distance themselves emotionally from their current partner. That hidden secret of yours may have dissolved the connection that the two of you once felt you had.

That needs to be discussed openly and honestly in a safe manner so that he knows what to expect out of you. By holding out telling him the truth, you will not be able to ever feel deeply connected. Yes, it may also mean that he no longer wants yo ever try to repair your previous relationship, but he will need that honesty to be able to make a knowledgeable choice about his own life that he can live with.

Read that topic about Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. It will open your eyes.

LTL

Thank u both for replying. The fact is that we always had planned to get married but it was me who held back. I was married before and my insecurities got in the way which was part of the reason we separated a while ago. Do you think I should tell him that I know what he was doing or just let time heal?

You conveniently ignored the part about you being honest with him about your affair.

Do you feel that it isn't a big deal?

LTL

If you and your boyfriend had a discussion in which you both agreed that you would follow the POJA for the rest of your life after marriage, you could rest quite assured that your marriage would have a great start to being one of the happy ones.

A good marriage starts with radical honesty. If you were going to marry the guy, then you would be both be completely honest about all your dates and lovers and your sexual lives, as well as about many other things. Total honesty is critical to a great marriage.

Dr. Harley wrote about living together and its effect on the relationship. It's quite interesting. Here

After you read the article, what I would do is to sit down with him and tell him that you know he's been seeing other women. Tell him you have seen other men, too. Just lay it out on the table. Then tell him it was a mistake to live together without the benefit of marriage and that you should live separately. Let him know he can date you if you'd both like that. Don't sleep with him; as a matter of fact, don't have sex outside of marriage, because it will cloud your judgment, making you think you are more bonded than you really are.

When you say, "just let time heal," are you talking about continuing your current arrangement of living together?

No I'm not ignoring it. That's why I said part of me feels that I wouldn't want to be confronted about things I have done in the past. I just felt that we agreed to make a new beginning or rather a better relationship when he moved back home. Which is why I struggle with this.

Thank u for the advice. What I mean by letting time heal is referring to the hurt and anger I am feeling about him doing these things after he came back home.

Dr. Harley would encourage you not to live together before marriage.

Confusion,

I am in a similar situation as you. The mother of my daughter is continuing to communicate with another man who she has been seeing for the last 4-6 months, but now in jail. I worked/schooled too much to maintain a healthy relationship, and in result she's no longer in love with me. We are trying to work things out, but I am coming to realize that our relationship will not likely develop into marriage while we are living together.

I have written the Harleys and you can view my thread: "Baby Momma Trouble - Plan A" in the same section - dating and relationship for updates regarding how I will handle the living arrangement with my girlfriend and daughter.

I am sorry to hear about your current situation, but you really need set a couple hours aside to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him EVERYTHING and how you feel about continue dating with him. You have a child together and he should be showing extraordinary effort in supporting his family. If he truly wants to be with you and your child, then he needs to demonstrate every effort to make you feel comfortable with being with him.

I regret the way of life I have decided for my family, and wish I had married my girlfriend a long time ago. But the failures we have committed shouldn't define us, let us learn and move forward.

Historical honesty is important. If you are going to continue to hide your own unfaithfulness and other big revelant information he should be aware of, spare both of you the grief and just move on. The dishonesty will be death by a thousand cuts.

Thank you so much for the advice. I too regret that I held back on marriage. I know a lot of the issues we have had was mainly because we did not marry when we should have.