Thanks, but I don't come close to fitting that letter. However, one encouraging thing... the letter says "It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it." That's better odds that the 20% of all marriages end in true happiness and love! (however, some have said 15%

"Only 20% of all marriages are actually happy and in love with each other for life" earlier in this thread.

Per Dr. Harley, the actual affair statistics are: 95% of all affairs die a natural death. Five percent actually make it to marriage. Of the 5% that make it to marriage, about a third of them succeed.

Where it refers to the per cent who 'make it' it does not refer to the per cent who achieve a lifetime long happy marriage.

He simply means the number who survive the two-year point and make it to marriage. Two years is usually the longest an A will last.

Dr H says 95 per cent die a natural death within two years. The remainder are not happy even if they stay together forever.

He has tried to help many affair-marriages which have become troubled but says they are unfixable and simply do not work.

Melody and all,

This may come as a total surprise to you, but I have let the OW go. We talked about it today and ended it. No contact. After thinking of all of the issues, statistics, problems and other things, I felt that to carry it further into a "serious" affair, would not be in my or her best interest, and to avoid that would probably be difficult with the way things were going. Also, while easy to "justify", it just wasn't "me", and you pointed that out. Our last meeting was over the phone, short and sweet. Tears, yes, but that will shortly heal.

The divorce will continue. And after that, who knows.

Thanks for all the advice, you and the others ARE an influence.

That is great! Of course, the next step is to tell your wife about the affair since this is information about her life to which she is entitled.

Can you do that and bring your wife here?

Melody,

No, I can't bring my wife here, she will not participate. I'm not interested in saving the marriage at this point. It has been over for years, I was just to blind to formally end it. Life will be better for both of us on the other side. Yes, she will be told, I need a bit of time to just recover.

Well, I would take a couple of hours to recover and then set your wife down and tell her tonight. Her welfare is the main concern here. She has a right and a need to know what you have done to her. I know you can do it!

Not if the happy percent is much LOWER for non-married relationships.

The only reason I should be surprised is if I was selling your short, and the only reason you should expect us to be surprised is if you were selling us short. So, lets make a deal and not sell each other short.

What I would really like you to do is take your situation to the radio program. Write an email describing your issues to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Include your address as they will send you a free book, and your phone number should you be willing to be a caller. You will get the most helpful advice if you are a caller. It is no big deal; I have been a caller twice myself. I would really like for you to be a caller, because I think I�d learn something new if the Harleys were to have the opportunity to talk to you. That�s a selfish reason for me, but you will get the best advice that way, too.

One of the first things you are likely to be asked is �If you could have the same feelings for your present wife that you had for your affair partner, would you want that?� Marriage Builders has the tools here to do exactly that thing. However, if divorce is inevitable for you, we also have the tools to help you put your life together and move on. Just keep posting, and we will do our best to help you.

Whatever the outcome, you are taking an enormously positive step by ending the affair. For those of us on the outside, watching what was happening with you was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It never turns out well.

I'm not all that surprised. You're a logical person who came here looking for facts, information and advice. However I am very pleased to hear this news. You've both dodged a bullet. Affairages are hell.



No one here will advise you to stay married to an addict. No one would tell you to stay married to someone who will not participate in resolving problems... Of course not.

HOWEVER.. You have no idea how she will react to the news of this A. She has had absolutely no idea what has been happening in her life.

So it's rather premature to say she is not interested in fixing an issue that she does not even know about yet!

Whatever her issues and problems - no one deserves to be betrayed by an affair. I would not wish that level of secrecy about your own life on my worst enemy. At the very least you owe her the truth so she can make proper decisions and react accordingly.

I too know you can do it!

Melody,

First, while I can appreciate your concern for her "her welfare is the main concern".... where is the concern for the abused husband that has to put up with an abusing spouse that ruins more than half of the quality of life, destroys lots of family events, trips, dinners to the point the husband just has to leave the house? The embarrassment of dragging her home after some event apologizing for her behavoir? Worrying about her hurting herself (and me)? Don't get me wrong, I didn't come here looking for sympathy, I came for knowledge, to guide my life, which I got and am grateful for, even though I didn't get much support here, I do appreciate the help. However, there's two sides of the story.

We went through the whole thing this morning. She knew, to a point and was very understanding for a moment. I told her the details, how I felt and why I justified it, and she still understood. There were no tears, there was no conflict, I expected a bit more controversy, but didn't happen, until she tried to kick me. It was very strange. However, it's over, and she understands that.

She tried to kick you? You have not reached the end of this. She is numb right now.

I understand that you feel abused, but that doesn't even begin to match the devastation of betrayal. She slapped you in the face. You ran over her with the car.

With all due respect, does any of this justify the abuse you have heaped on HER? Does this entitle you to abuse her? No, it does not, Sir. You have now joined her ranks as an abuser and are just as bad.. While there is no justification for kicking you, that is not uncommon when a betrayed spouse discovers an affair. Surely you can understand why she was upset?

Have you ever tried to force her to do something about her drinking?

We ARE concerned about you.

You were the abused. Now you are the abuser. I don't think you deliberately planned for that to happen, and I think you don't want to fit that description.

That's why we want you to show concern for her well being. To end the very bad cycle you are in.

It is quite simply appalling that you are justifying adultery (one of the worst attacks one spouse can make on another) because of what she did. You own FULL responsibility for your actions just as she owns responsibility for hers. If you are making these excuses to her face, stop it right now. Her actions have nothing to do with your choices.





So you took a bad situation and added a whole lot of worse. Betraying her is not an appropriate response to this. It was never going to help, was it?

You did it because you wanted to, and to hell with the resulting pain for your wife.



Very normal response. She is very deeply in shock.

Please switch your focus from 'justifying' yourself to helping her.

You can do much better than this.

I haven't read this entire thread but would like to put in my two cent.

I was very much like the OP, in that non marriage relationships seem to work better than marriage. While I do not believe the stats posted above on non marriage, I do believe marriage is better for basically one main reason and that is "marriage is A GOD idea". His ways are not or ways and his thoughts are highest than ours. When you do things GOD'S way he is obligated to you. Go to God And pray about your spouse or relationship and he we Fix it, this I know for sure. There is no recourse on other relationships

P.s. stormie omartian power of a praying wife is an excellent book

This is your feeling.
But it is not fact. You may "disagree with the statistics" but they are facts.
Marriage has probably never worked for you because you avoid conflict and have not learned how to resolve conflict when it arises.
If you read Dr. Harley's books, you can learn how to resolve conflicts and show extraordinary care towards your spouse.