I would like some guidance. My H and I have been married for 17 years. The first 12 were mostly good. The past 5 were very rocky, but we are getting better. One issue has plagued us the entire marriage. Triggers make me become upset over his exGF. I know it is wrong to bring up the past, but he would never talk about it and claims to forget everything now.

I realize I need to move forward. However, after researching how to move on....I discovered he actually had an EA (I think). When we first got together in college, he had a close friend (his ex). He claimed they were just friends, but I later learned they were more. He had an on again off again relationship with her from junior high (he lost his virginity to her). She would interfere sometimes with us dating, and after several months I asked my H to stop seeing her bc clearly she wanted more. He agreed, however, the communication did not stop.

To this day, I do not know when the communication ended or how. I know when we were talking about getting married, he went to visit her while I was out of town. He claims now that it was to tell her he was marrying me. Many other strange things occurred. She stalked him/me. I found out after marriage more troubling info. My H had called her to warn that there was apolice phone tap on my line. His mother told her my H had bought the engagement ring which caused her to run around telling people she was marrying H.

There are more strange happenings which at the time I thought was bc she was crazy. I think now that my H played a large role in it bc of his emotional attachment. I have asked how, why, how he felt, etc...and never have gotten any answer. He has always become irate when asked nicely about her. I just wanted closure.

He has maintained he was just friends. I'm sure physically they may have been. A few years ago, she contacted him via Facebook. He did not tell me, and deleted all info. He said I should be fine with it. She also contacted him via another site. He showed me the email then refused to write back. When I became upset suggesting we both write back, he refused. He then wrote back saying I wouldn't let him talk to her. He lied about writing her back to me and our counselors. (I hacked his email.)

This other person is not in our lives anymore. My husband has promised if he is contacted again, he will let me know and we will deal with it together. He has never admitted the relationship before was inappropriate although he says he is sorry if he hurt me.

What should I do? I feel he had an affair. I still feel hurt from before marriage and even more hurt from the more recent lies.

I know it is wrong to dwell on the past, but if the past affair is never admitted, how do I move forward? Was it an affair?

I am confused. Thank you for your help.

Loving, instead of wondering what has happned, I would stop asking and quietly slip some spyware on his computer and his cell phone. This will do a couple of things. It will give you peace of mind if nothing happens and if they do contact each other, you might get a better idea of the nature of their relationship.

It is almost always futile to accuse/ask someone if they are having an affair or doing something wrong. All that does is causes them to be sneakier about it in the future. It is much better to just watch and find and out on your own.

A good keylogger is eblaster at spectorsoft.com and good cell phone spyware is flexispy or eblaster.

You will feel much better if you know what he is doing when he thinks you are not looking. And if he is doing something, you will eventually catch him.

I am actually not worried at the moment, but I am tormented because I feel cheated on. But, he claims he did nothing wrong ever. He said if I bring it up again we are divorced. I don't understand.

Am I wrong to want closure? Did he cheat even if it wasn't physical? Why did all of this happen?

Loving,

Welcome to Marriage Builders, even though you don't think anything is happening I would take melody's advise. His defensiveness sounds like he is hiding something.

If he has no one to go to when he divorce you why would he make that threat over something he should feel free to talk to you about.

Now if he has shared everything and you are still not keep bring it up then that is not fear to him. But it sounds like he has not share everything or you don't believe he has shared everything Dr. H would advice you to use a lie detector so that you can no the true or him to prove that he has told you everything. Once you know everything then you have to choice if you want to move forward with him or not. If you choice to move forward with him you can not bring it up again.

He is using abusive love bustersto avoid being radically honest.

Loving29,

What should I do? I feel he had an affair. I still feel hurt from before marriage and even more hurt from the more recent lies.

I know it is wrong to dwell on the past, but if the past affair is never admitted, how do I move forward? Was it an affair?

Is this OW married or has a so, if so you need to send her husband or so copies of the the correspondence.

Your H's sensitivity about the issue means there is more to this than you know, getting a polygraph for him might be a good step to relieve your mind.

Old girlfriends and boyfiends have an enormous attraction partially because of the positive memories we associate with them. Please read some of the threads on here to see just what a larger percentage of affairs are with ex'es.

Also the affair does not end until your WH stops lying about it.

God Bless
Gamma

If you put some spyware on his devices, then you'll know what's going on?