I think there's probably a lot of recommendations Dr. Harley makes in those books that were left unfollowed. For example, in Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley prescribes steps to take that will make another affair impossible. He calls these "extraordinary precautions."

Reading the books alone doesn't do anything - there's a plan that has to be followed.

Is the problem basically that your husband is not going to follow any of the steps of the plan?


Let me just point out that in the Bible, God does not have unconditional love. Eventually He permanently separates from people - there are conditions we must meet if we want to continue to live in His presence and enjoy the blessings of His love.

God does not call us to a higher standard than He holds himself to. His heart aches at our unfaithfulness, and His plan of reconciliation includes forsaking our infidelity - if we continue to live that way, He separates from us. Permanently.

Have you read these since making your first post here?

Stacmom,

It's not for me to tell you that your H isn't capable of living a better life, or meeting higher standards.

It isn't for you to say, or even God. That's your H's internal struggle to make. He has free will.

So perhaps he is. Like all people lost to the dark, I hope he finds his own mind before it is too late.

HOWEVER.

You are actively encouraging him to have a low standard. This is enablement. When you love him UNCONDITONALLY you say: "I have no standards - be as low as you want".

IF he HAS no high standard to reach, how can he reach it?

Lets not forget your lovely daughters who are learning from YOU how to have low standards from men.

You and your daughters must stand above a high standard, like a lighthouse.

If he has the ability to reach you, he will - if not you will be safe from teaching your daughters how to be abused women.

The 25 year old's family has been approached by people in leadership at my church.

As far as saying that God telling me to stay and having unconditional love for him is just my wishful thinking. It is not wishful thinking. I know my girls and I would be better off without him in my flesh. I had God direct me to Hosea 3, where He tells Hosea to go buy his wife back from her prostitute life.

We are separated right now and I am moving forward in my life with God. I have had leadership from church tell me that all I can do is protect myself and my girls from his bad behavior. He needs to be saved and repent for his sins. He has shown repentance and been able to stay committed for a time in our marriage. I believe that he has a problem that he's never dealt with and until he deals with it I am staying away and focusing on myself and my daughter that lives with me.

I have high standards for him to meet. He was excelling at meeting them for 5 years and then fell apart. My daughter saw the way he treated me during that time and started dating guys that treated them awesome.
For some reason my husband got tired of the guardrails we put into place. I know now it's because he's never been saved. he grew up in church and on the mission field but never gave his life up. He has to give his life up in order to be the man God created him to be.

A problem?
The problem is that he has no boundaries around women and no respect for your marriage.
There are probably many other affairs that you are unaware of.

There are many people on these boards, that are not Christian, who have loving marriages and avoid affairs.
They do this by having boundaries around the opposite sex

Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose this affair far and wide, to the 25 yrs family and friends, his family and the workplace.

He is not having affairs because he is unsaved. Yes, if he accepts Jesus's gift, then he will be saved, but even those of us who are saved are still sinners. Jesus paid for our past, present, and FUTURE sins.

Your husband is having affairs because he is selfish, has no boundaries around other women, and he is not protecting your marriage.

stac, I have no doubt that God wanted you to read Hosea 3.

But the first thing I notice about Hosea is that is directed to a man. The story God put Hosea through is a symbol of the experience He goes through with His people - us. It is a story of a husband choosing to keep and pursuing an unfaithful wife to win her back.

The dynamics of a husband pursuing a wife are radically different from the dynamics of a wife pursuing a husband. Women who pursue unfaithful husbands for any length of time usually wind up in terrible shape because the abuse of the infidelity is so absolutely devastating to them. They end up with emotional problems, mental problems, health problems, compromised immune systems, post-traumatic stress disorder. The devastation is horrendous. We have seen it here frequently. A woman who stays in such a situation trying to live with a continuously unfaithful husband usually winds up in the hospital. And her children frequently end up being raised by her wayward husband and one (or more) of his affair partners - who usually are not in any shape to provide fit, Godly parenting. Unfortunately this is pretty much the only option when the mother ends up incapacitated due to the pain and physical impact on her health of her husband's unfaithfulness.

Thinking about the whole history of God and His people - all of us have been unfaithful to Him and put Him through that pain. In Hosea, God sent a message to His people Israel - that He was willing to pursue them anyway and wanting to win them back from infidelity. Unfortunately, God's people did NOT continue to meet His conditions for reconciliation. And so, after God's people were restored to Him, He again cast them away and ultimately the two nations of God's people (Israel and Judah) were destroyed by other nations.

Even in their captivity, God gave His people conditions for reconciliation, and they were again reconciled to Him. But we find that in the first century CE their nation was again destroyed because of unfaithfulness - they stopped meeting God's conditions for reconciliation.

God's offer of reconciliation that He made to His people through Hosea was not unconditional. And His offer of reconciliation that He makes to us is not unconditional. Fail to meet the conditions, and reconciliation is not an option. That is why in the Bible it says that eventually God sends people to hell. It is not what He desires for anybody. But He does not offer an unconditional reconciliation. He didn't in the book of Hosea, and He does not now.

I would suggest that you need to make clear to your husband that you are willing to reconcile to Him - under certain conditions. To offer unconditional reconciliation would be something that is not supported by the book of Hosea, is not what God does - and will probably be devastating to you and your children.

We have seen plenty of marriages saved where one or both spouses are not Christians - if they will follow those guardrails.

These guardrails (extraordinary precautions) are part of the conditions Dr. Harley recommends that you would make as part of your offer of reconciliation. In fact, Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce keep them in their own marriage, and neither one of them has ever had an affair. It turns out that these are the things that help to make a marriage integrated and fulfilling. They are also part of the compensation that Dr. Harley recommends an unfaithful spouse offer as part of their willingness to restore the marriage.

Have you read these articles by Dr. Harley?

Forgive and Forget #1
Forgive and Forget #2
Forgive and Forget #3

I would agree with this guidance - protecting yourself is the right thing to do. Every contact that you have with him will have a damaging impact on your well-being and on that of your children.

I would disagree that your husband needs to be saved in order for the marriage to be restored. If he will follow the conditions that keep the marriage safe, the two of you can go on to have a safe and fulfilling marriage, even if he makes the unfortunate choice not to be a Christian. You would have to avoid arguing about the subject with him (there's some good articles here on this subject as well). Interestingly enough, studies have shown that people in good marriages are more likely to believe in God.

Another point to note: during the separation it is important for you to take precautions to make sure that a man does not meet your emotional needs. Don't have personal discussions with men about your problems (or theirs), since conversation is usually one of the highest of a woman's emotional needs. People tend to throw their convictions out the window after somebody else meets their emotional needs and they fall in love with that person.

stacmom, with all due respect, as Christians we are told to test the spirits by reading the Bible. The Bible does not tell us to give "unconditional love" to fallen sinners. Rather it tells us not to associate with evil. IT also gives us an out to divorce a spouse over adultery. The Bible NEVER tells us to "forgive" unrepentant people. That is not a Christian standard.


That is very fortunate, becuase it does not help you or your husband by staying together and continuing to enable his horrendous behavior.

I have kept the boundaries for me in my life. The only people I talk to and spend time with is women.

I know what the Bible says and what God has been telling me. I'm standing firm that my husband will be saved and a miracle can happen in his life and our marriage. God does give an out for adultery but he also gives us the free will to decide if we will do that. I asked for direction multiple times and asked to be released from this marriage. Everytime I ask God tells me to stay. he has a plan for my life and I don't know what it is. I'm going to keep listening to Him and following what I've been taught. My dad was a serial cheater and when he came to God he was a totally different man. I saw God move and change him and know it can be done for my husband.

Ma'am, God does not force anyone to salvation against their will. I realize it is your fervent wish that your husband be saved, but that is not your husband's own desire. You can't control your husband's will.


God also gives your husband the free will to reject him. God speaks to us through the words in his Bible and he tells us not to associate with the works of darkness. That is in His written word.


It can be done if your husband is willing but he is not willing. I have also been changed dramtically by God's hand, but it was not done against my will. God will not do your bidding against your husband's will.

Have you read this?
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love? Part 1

Yes! Absolutely so! The power of God is life!
Paul described himself as "chief among sinners," and the most unworthy of salvation. Yet God took this miserable man and used him to build His Church!

The best action you can take at this point is to expose his affairs far and wide, including the workplace where the other woman works with him.
Are you willing to do this?