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Just had an hour long call from my husband. We talked about a lot of different things. He is still talking about problems with his son's girlfriend. How he does not feel responsible for the dirty dishes they leave because he did not eat out of them. I finally told him that I was going to say something that he probably would not agree with but I was going to say it anyway.
I said, "When you arrived there you did not have any money. They have bought you cigarettes, over-the-counter medicines, treated you to dinner, purchased groceries, and paid all the bills there. You have not contributed any money. They both work full time and you are home all day. In my opinion, you should be doing all the cleaning and cooking a couple of meals so they can eat when they come home instead of expecting them to cook for you. That is my opinion and I will never say anything about the subject again." He was quiet for a few seconds and then partially agreed with me. He loaned his son $100 the other day but his son has not given it back, so he thinks he has contributed money.
I also told him today that I will NOT be coming to Texas. He got quiet again and wanted to know why. I told him if things had been great between us then I would have been there in a heartbeat but that I did not want to spend the next 8 years of my life sitting beside him being ignored while he played video games. He said he understood.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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He is also still talking about coming here next week and making comments about how much I have changed. I asked him what he meant, he said going to church, losing weight, etc. I said yes, I am getting the old me back again. I am spending time with my family, going to church, cleaning up my home, and making plans to sale my house and move closer to town. I also told him that I can now fit into my form-fitting blouses and that I look good.
He told me that he cannot wait to see me again and that he has missed me. He also said that he will love being in a relaxing environment again unlike where he is now.
I don't understand that since this is what he wanted...to be in Texas.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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I also told him today that I will NOT be coming to Texas. He got quiet again and wanted to know why. I told him if things had been great between us then I would have been there in a heartbeat but that I did not want to spend the next 8 years of my life sitting beside him being ignored while he played video games. He said he understood. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Somebody needs to give me a swift kick or something. Husband will be heading back here at the end of the week. I want to see him, I miss him, even though I know it is not in my best interest.
He called again last night and we talked for over an hour. I am still leery though of our conversations. I figured he would start calling more often when it got closer to time for him to come back this way. Quite frankly, he sounds a bit upset that I won't be going to Texas.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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I've been following your thread RHL. Use the logical part of your brain right now. Stop spending so much time in conversations with him. He's seducing you back to where he can once again take advantage of you. You need to STOP.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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He is upset. He is realizing that he will not be able to freeload from you any longer.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Love is a very highly addictive and powerful drug that can destroy your entire life if you are not careful. Like every drug you have to stay away from the places they may exist.
You can not have conversations with him that is more personal then he would have with a cashier. Your only association you should have with him to arrange for him to get his stuff.
If you can I would have one of you sons handle him getting his stuff while you go shopping or something. Don't go through this pain again.
I believe you will make the right choices.
By the way did you pick up your cars yet?
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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I have not picked up my cars yet. I do not care for conflict if I can avoid it and I keep imagining a scene when I go to get them.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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I am trying to post something positive on here on a daily basis. I worked today and while my job is stressful, I am very good at it. My employer has 5 businesses and I manage all of them. I do all the books, write estimates and invoices, and vette potential employees. And when my boss comes in grouchy, I look at him and tell him to go play golf. lol
My son and I have decided to go to a local restaurant every Tuesday for dinner...actually it was my son's suggestion. He knows that I love beef cabbage soup and it is their specialty on Tuesdays. I have such a wonderful, thoughtful son especially since he thinks cabbage soup smells like sweat socks.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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Being positive is great and you should keep it up.
The reason I said have your son handle it, is not for physical safety reasons, but for your emotional safety. Anytime spent with him may prevent you from making sane decisions. Explain to your son what belongs to your husband and have him handle it. Block his calls don't contact him for at less 6 months so you can get out of the fog.
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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It's perfectly natural that you still love him. Like any drug you have to remove it and experience withdrawal before you can be free of it. However you are making good, logical decisions. I am trying to post something positive on here on a daily basis. That's a great idea 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I guess I'm surprised that the vets have not told you to be in Plan B. That is what I would do. I would not talk to him or have any contact with him. I would get an IM. I would get a list of conditions he must meet before he talks to you: a stable job, financial stability, etc. He would have to show my IM several months of paid bills and a true change. ( Which I sincerely doubt he will do.) Talking to him will let him mess with your mind. I just wouldn't. If he sincerely changes THEN and only THEN would I work on the marriage. Otherwise, just enjoy the wonderful person you are and the stronger person you are becoming.
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He called again last night and we talked for over an hour. I am still leery though of our conversations. I figured he would start calling more often when it got closer to time for him to come back this way. Quite frankly, he sounds a bit upset that I won't be going to Texas. RHL, what did he expect you to do? Give up your job, your home, your family to go down there and watch him lay on the couch all day and play video games? Or are you supposed to get a job so you can support him? I agree that he is the true freeloader. He is only in a relationship for what he can suck out of it. He is not there to give anything. Where does he think he will stay when he comes for the visit?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You know we all have dominant leadership styles. If your dominant style is avoidance, you can appreciate this style has its place. For example, sometimes its a good idea to let something go or as they say "pick your battles."
The trouble with using your dominant style for nearly all situations is: your dominant style can get you into trouble too. For example, if your dominant style is avoidance and you constantly use it you'll find yourself dealing in crisis management mode a lot.
There are other leadership styles you can adopt and apply. Sometimes collaboration makes sense. Other times, being competitive is the way to go.
Today, you don't want to avoid. You do not want to collaborate. You actually need to compete. Compete as a style in this case means to confront and cut off the freeloading.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Help me out with what to say to my husband. I am going to talk to him tonight and let him know that he is not staying here if he comes back to Indiana.
I want him to understand that I was very hurt when he left and I don't want to put myself through the pain again. I also want to let him know that we might have a future together if he agrees to:
1) Anger management classes
2) Counseling
3) Stops criticizing me and my kids
4) Shower daily
5) Treat me with love and respect
6) Do the Marriage Builder program with me
And also, I have to see proof of all the above before we see each other again.
I welcome all suggestions.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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Please read what you wrote and ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person... My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 4 years. We dated for 3 years and then he lost his job as an over-the-road truck driver...he was terminated  because he damaged another driver's truck for cutting in front of him at a fuel line. He moved in with me after he lost his job. He had a difficult time finding work and was on unemployment for 1.5 years with me paying most of the bills. Then he had no income for a year, then he worked part time for a year, and he just started receiving Social Security for a disability involving his heart in September. During all this time, I continued to pay all of the bills, pay for his cigarettes, and almost anything else that he wanted. You should know that this money that I had came from insurance money from when my deceased first husband died, social security that I was receiving for myself and my children, and my work salary. During this time, I have tried to do everything that my husband said would make him happy to the point of alienating my children and friends. We have had arguments in regards to belittling comments that he has made to me and my children... He is always right and I am always wrong, he calls the kids fat and lazy, he says that they will never amount to anything and will probably wind up on the street. Three of my kids have graduated college and live on their own, my next to youngest will be graduating college this fall, and my youngest son will be starting college in the fall. I acknowledge and accept that I have been responsible for some of our problems. I have not respected him in the way that he wants to be respected. He wants to have final say when he wants to have final say...unfortunately I don't always know when that is. He gets angry at times if I do not agree with him so sometimes I will just to avoid an argument. He has not always been like this, he used to be one of the most gentle, romantic, charming men that anybody would want to meet. He changed though and I am not sure if I caused that change or if it was an act. He has said that he used that persona to get women in the past. I love him so much and do not want to lose him. I am also extremely hurt. I feel like he used me until all of my money was gone and then when he started getting money and is in a position to help me, he is bailing on me. He says that he has been miserable for years because of my kids, but my youngest is leaving for college in three months and spends most of his time in his room now. He said he cannot continue to live in my home because the kids will always think of that as their dad's house. I suggested selling the house and us getting another house for me and him here in Indiana for the next 4 years. (The reason I suggested staying here for 4 years is that I will be eligible to retire then and my youngest son will be out of college). We live in Indiana and he is moving to Texas. He says he wants to be close to his family there and that I can come there to live. I want to be with him even in Texas but I am 56 and concerned about job prospects. I would also need to sell my home. He wants to leave in 3 days. W hen he started getting his Social Security he started making plans to move out without ever even giving me a clue. He had been looking for a place here in Indiana and the only way I found out was because he went over our cell phone minutes and I received a text alert. I am so distraught over all of this, he had a stroke 1.5 years ago and open heart surgery last year. He was not allowed to drive or anything for several months following the stroke because of the damage to his brain. He has changed so much. He has made a couple of subtle threats about shooting my two youngest sons...he has since removed his gun from the house. He has become hateful towards me and said that I am keeping him from being independent and that he feels like he lives in a box. He also gave away almost every car part and tool that we had in the garage while I was at work about a month ago (tools that belonged to my deceased husband)to a friend of his. He then became outraged at me when I said I would file a police report if the stuff was not returned. He said he could no longer live with me since I said I would call the police. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am breaking apart inside. Please help. Please re-read your very first post here. And you are considering taking him back? AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Only if he makes the required changes.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Help me out with what to say to my husband. I am going to talk to him tonight and let him know that he is not staying here if he comes back to Indiana.
I want him to understand that I was very hurt when he left and I don't want to put myself through the pain again. I also want to let him know that we might have a future together if he agrees to:
1) Anger management classes
2) Counseling
3) Stops criticizing me and my kids
4) Shower daily
5) Treat me with love and respect
6) Do the Marriage Builder program with me
And also, I have to see proof of all the above before we see each other again.
I welcome all suggestions. So he can still lay on the couch all day and play video games? If I am looking for a flop house I would readily agree to the above and just do enough to get by while I continued sponging off you. From what you have posted here, it seems he is just looking for flophouses, not a marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would not allow him to return unless I saw noticeable improvement over the next year. Are you saying to not let him return under any circumstances?
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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I would not allow him to return unless I saw noticeable improvement over the next year. Are you saying to not let him return under any circumstances? I would not let him back unless he demonstrates to you over a long period of time that he is not using you as a flop house. I get the feeling that he is just looking for a new flop house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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