I don't really know where to start with this story, and I'm sorry because I know it will be long. My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years, together for 8.5. We have two kids, almost 4 and 1.5. He's in the military and away far more than he is home.

We have always had what I considered a "good" relationship - open, honest, fulfilling. We've of course had our spats, but nothing abnormal or alarming. We were recently transferred to a new duty station and I have been having a very hard time with our move. His new assignment does not require deployments, but his work schedule is grueling. He is rarely home due to his schedule and I have been suffering from increased anxiety and possibly depression. I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my mental health, but my appointment is still weeks away.

A few weeks ago, I noticed he seemed distant and disconnected. I mentioned it to him, but he blew me off. A few days ago, I noticed he was obsessively checking his iPad/phone. After he left for work, I picked up his iPad and discovered that he has been having an emotional affair with one of his former coworkers. Apparently he has had feelings for her for at least 4 years, but just recently (within the past two weeks) confirmed that the feelings were reciprocated. Most of their conversation was just flirting - there were one or two references to physical contact but nothing sexual. He told her he loved her multiple times, but also told her that he loves me and our kids and their mutual feelings for each other would not change their relationship (or ours). I am sure that there was not any sort of physical relationship.

I called his mom, hysterical, (thankfully I have a wonderfully relationship with my in-laws) and the next day confronted him about it. Initially he was upset and told me I was overreacting, that they were just friends and nothing ever would have happened. I told him that I believed him, but he still crossed a line and the relationship needed to end. He has agreed that his conversations with her since finding out she has feelings for him were inappropriate, but he still believes he can and should be allowed to maintain the friendship.

I feel that even though he has not had a PA, this is still an emotional affair and he has still broken our vows. I have no desire to end our marriage and I can't imagine doing anything but reconciling. I told him that the only way we can rebuild our marriage is for his relationship with her to end and for him to be completely transparent with me. He needs to give me access to all of his conversations (facebook, phone, email, etc), which he has, and cut off contact with her. He is very resentful of that request, saying that I'm asking him to give up one of his best friends, but I think he has agreed to do so.

I know he still loves me and didn't intend to hurt me or our family. I don't think he realizes that he had/is having an emotional affair.

I take partial credit for the rocky few months since we've moved, because I know my mental health is not where it should be and I have not been meeting his needs. I have told him as much and apologized, and he has apologized for crossing lines and hurting me. I know he doesn't want to throw away our marriage, but he still doesn't understand why it is necessary for him to end this relationship. I believe that he will end contact with her, but I'm worried that he will resent me forever for it.

Where do we go from here? What do I do now? How long will it take for us to be able to begin refilling each other's love banks?

hi hsp, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I suspect that a big reason for your depression is the sad state of your marriage. If he has been having an emotional affair for quite some time, that means he has checked out your marriage.

Can you tell me all about this OW? Is she married? How far away does she live? Is she in the military?


It concerns me terribly that you say this for so many reasons. First off, I don't believe be will end contact with her because he is addicted to her. He will just go further underground. The biggest concern is not *HIS* resentment, but your resentment. What kind of a spouse "RESENTS" ending an inappropriate relationship that he knows causes suffering to his spouse? A spouse who does not care, that's who.

If you had a friendship that you know caused your spouse to suffer, would you "resent" ending that friendship? Or would you gladly give up anything that caused your spouse pain because you love that person too much to be the cause of his suffering?

I don't think he has been having an affair for a long while, as the offensive parts of his conversation with her only began in the past few weeks. Since we moved, he has had infrequent, innocent conversations with many of his friends from his old station, her included. In all of these conversations, they merely talked about work and how the command has changed as the people have been moved around, or about mutual interests (cars/guns/music/movies). I couldn't pull out anything unusual from his conversations with her over any of his other friends before the feelings came out. The conversations were no more frequent or any more personal in nature.

The things you have said about resentment worry me too. I would drop any threatening relationship/hobby/anything without a second thought.

So what do I do? This is all so fresh, am I rushing things?

I told him that I absolutely wouldn't force him to end the relationship, but that he needed to understand that we could not rebuild our marriage with someone else in it. He agreed and understands, but is still upset about it. I understand where he is coming from, I understand the addiction, and while I want it to be easy for him, I know he isn't thinking clearly right now and don't really expect him to be happy about it.

Since you moved, right? Because before this happened, wasn't he able to see her at work?

You are right that you can't force him, but you should not stay with him if he won't end it. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and he would advise that you separate if he won't end it.

The most urgent issue here is not that he is upset about this, but the damage that has been inflicted ON YOU. Do you understand how devastating this has been to you? I am concerned that you aren't really taking that seriously. It is so serious that women have nervous breakdowns from dealing with this.

And you are talking about HIS discomfort.

Is the OW married?

Yes, but we moved 6 months ago. He did see her at work before we moved, but hasn't seen her since and had only talked to her a handful of times before 2 weeks ago.

Do you have access to his calls when he is at work?

Can you be more specific? And did you save all this communication in a safe place?

She is not married. Also maybe relevant, she has not responded to any of his attempts to contact her since the day before I found their conversations.

Why do you think that is? Is it because she is communicating with him in another way?

We are cross-posting, sorry!

The only references to anything physical were a hug when he left the command and a "joke" about racing cars and the winner giving the loser a backrub. He swears nothing physical ever would have happened, as they had 3 years together every day and nothing happened. I do not believe him on this point at all - I think if he had known she had feelings for him he would have acted.

I have screenshots of his facebook conversation with her. I have not seen any of their text messages (and of course he deleted them), and there is nothing inappropriate in his email. There are a few emails there, but they only contain work-related info. As far as I can tell, he has not attempted to contact her since I told him the relationship could not continue if ours is going to survive.

I don't think they are communicating right now, based on other conversations he has had with his friends and parents.

I honestly don't think he wants to destroy our marriage, and I do think he wants to repent and fix this. I just don't think he understands the damage he did. Maybe I am way off.

Hmm, I am contradicting myself. How can I both think he would have had a physical affair given the opportunity and that he didn't realize he was crossing lines? Ugh.

I didn't see this post earlier.

I am taking this very seriously. And I very well may be having a nervous breakdown. I can't eat and haven't slept in days. I can't stop crying. I'm so worried about the damage this will do to our children. If it were just me, I would be distraught, but I know I would get through it. I can't bear the thought of what this could do to my kids though.

I have every intention of ending our relationship if he will not end his, and have told him as much. What kind of timeline do we have though? How long is too long? Of course I had hoped he would immediately agree with me and cut things off, but I understand the addiction and know it won't be instant.

I think as soon as you leave, it might jolt him into NC with the other person.
Usually it seems to me that most husbands don't leave their family for another woman. (Usually, but sometimes this idea is wrong)
I am very sorry you and I find ourselves here. I am dealing with something similar.

That is the biggest problem, my dear. And that is why all contact has to end NOW and that closure must be complete. Please go download the book Surviving an Affair TODAY and start reading it.

The first steps must be that he not only ends contact but that he PROVES it to you. You can't be timid in asking for this, my dear, because your mental health depends on it. I will post the affair checklist in the next post. Print it out and hand it over to him. Tell him this is what it will take to make you feel safe.


The timeline should be TODAY. He can send a no contact letter to the OW now. If he won't end his affair immediately, you should plan to separate from him.

Tell him today he must end contact with her IMMEDIATELY or this will lead to divorce and he needs to move out.

If he won't end the affair, you need to make plans to go to his commander. [don't tell him you will do this, but we have had untold amount of affairs ended immediately by a commander.]

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.