Exactly!!!

Is he taking care of you?

Take care, my friend. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all for your words and concern.
He is taking care of me and the girls. He is great at it.

He is really busy running the house and keeping up with me. But I feel the need of our ua time.

Hi guys, I have a few questions for you all.

First I want to say that I spent most of my bedrest reading queenie thread. What an inspiration. We also started SAA and everytime I turn the page I think of you guys and just want to say thank you, it is helping us both a lot.

After the miscariage and SAA H has been so much closer to me. Our talks are much more open, honest and connected. You know, like a husband and a wife!

On the job hunt, we have no news. Actually H had an interview yesterday, it was for a realtor. H is good with words and I'm sure he would do a great job. BUT I know is just not the right job for FWW. He was so excited, and I didn't want to burst his buble, but after we read SAA he asked me what I thought of the job. I really didn't want to say anything, but he noticed I was uneasy about the job. I told him I was a bit hesitant.
He said if you are not confortable I wont take it.

It's been three weeks since we started the job hunt. He is getting frustrated and I want to help him. Do you have any suggestions? Finding a job for a FWW is hard!!!

When discussing job opportunities, always be sure to be radically honest about your feelings, even if you think he'll be disappointed in your reaction. He may be unhappy about not taking the job, but it's better than if you are unhappy because he did take the job you are reluctant about.

You're both still kind of new at this, but don't put him in the position of having to "read" your reactions. Be very honest. If you don't like that particular job, just say so. You don't even have to have a reason, other than the fact that there's something about it that makes you uncomfortable.

Your H will need to be persistent about looking for a job. It takes longer, sometimes much longer, than three weeks to find a good job. He should find a job where he doesn't travel and has the ability to be completely transparent. I recommend a job where he doesn't work closely with women.

Hi all,

I think I'm hitting a wall and I need your help.

Our R is well on his way. We have both being working on SAA and upping our UA time. We have a trip this weekend and we are POJA'ing about it becuase it will cause problems with our UA time.

The thing, is that I'm here secondguessing much of what I have done. I kind of realized that I didn't Plan A or Plan B. I sure did exposure, although it was not nucelar. When H came back home, he just left for a few days, I stopped prety much all LB, but I felt so vulnerable I did very few deposits.

So I guess we didn't have a good MB start and I'm feeling a lot of remorse/sadness about it.

What I'm second guessing is about NC with his family. I think he is processing the NC better than me. Specially now at Mother's day, I can only think how his mother must be feeling about him not calling. I keep biting my tounge every time I think of mother's day.. geezz. We are not even totally NC, he does accept their calls but he does not initiate contact at all.

Second, about his work. He has not been able to find a job. He's keeping himself busy at home. But I know those activities are not satisfying for him. I feel I should drop all those requirements for the perfect job. Even today I just thought that maybe since OW is not at school (don't know if she is coming back though) he can come back. Ouch, that was not a nice though but it crossed my mind.

Another point I'm struggling is DJ's. I've been feeling low for the last few days. I become very irritable everything bothers me. But here is the thing. I don't know if what is bothering me is doing this just becuase I'm low or becuase they are actually bothering. Am I making my self clear??
For instance, he is prety chaotic in the kitchen. When I'm fine and I see this chaos in the kitchen I tell myself that I need to respect his way of doing things and give him some space and time. Last evening I was totally overwhelmed by the chaos and started having DJ in my mind. Thank Good I was able to keep them to myself. I did express some of my feelings last night, he is aware I'm struggling with all this, but we are both lost as to how to handle this situations.

Any insights will be greatly appreciated.

On these two points, here is something that MrEureka posted to me that I think might apply to you as well.

Thanks for sharing that with me, I really apreciate it.

Sometimes I just wonder how can it be hard to accept this wisdom. Sacrifice should not have a place in a marriage.

I'll talk tonight with hubby about these two.

I don't see any DJ here, what I see is conflict avoidance. When you see something that bothers you, ask for his help in removing it.

You've discovered that saying nothing fails to remove the annoyance and then the conflict mounts and steps up.

Marriage is a game of close quarters. You both have to adjust your behaviours to remove annoying habits.

The reason we sacrifice is because it seems like the right thing to do. Christ has given us the ultimate example of selflessness by His sacrifice, so why shouldn't we do the same?

Well, in the first place, we are NOT the Lord. We are not capable of sinless self-sacrifice. In marriage, we need to avoid the sinful path that sacrifices leads us to. There are always other better options than giving in to sacrifice. Those better options allow both partners to win. So, neither partner gains at the expense of the other, and both end up equally happy with the outcome. This leads to happiness that is sustainable, whereas sacrificing to each other is never sustainable. At some point, one simply runs out of willingness to give up for the other.

Thanks for your words, they do mean a lot to me.

Mr Eureka Can you help me understand this sentence. Are you referring to how we feel resentful after sacrifice?

I'm sorry I am being so abstract. The short answer is yes, but allow me to elaborate. We sin on many levels and in many ways. We are sinful people. It is our nature. When we feel others owe us, it tempts us to sin. We are too weak to avoid the sin, so we must avoid the temptation. That means, in this context, don't sacrifice. Don't set yourself up for the temptation that will lead you to sin. The are ways to do things that aren't loaded with the temptation to seek things in return. Those ways are the win-win solutions. That is why we want to negotiate with win-win outcomes as the goal.

Of course, Dr. Harley has an excellent book on this subject - "He Wins, She Wins".

Very insightful!

Wow, thanks so much MrEureka! that indeed is very helpful. Yes as a Christian, I find hard to not sacrifice, but I see what you are pointing out. Our sacrifices are inperfect.

Alada, thinking of you and wondering how you are doing?

Hi Blindsigthed, we are doing ok, thanks for checking. We had a few rough weeks health wise, and we have not been good on UA time.

We are making slow progress with SAA, again due to health problems. We have a heat wave and it looks its making its toll on all of us.H was in bed four days last week.

Our love banks are up and down every week. I can feel those changes but is nice to know what I need to do to make deposits.

Now that H was in bed, I noticed that domestic support is an important EN for him. He has never mentioned, in the questionarie, he ranks it as 7. But it looks to me that is more important for him. I asked him and apparently he feels that since he is not working domestic chores are his responsability, but still it makes him feel loved when I do the house. And I don't mean help in the house, but do it by myself.

That was one of the problems he complained about to OW, so I'm guessing it is very important for him. But it is hard for me to do the house and work FT. I always help in the house, do the dishes, bathrooms and other stuff. WE have a lady come do the cleaning once a week,but I don't know what else I can do to fullfill his DS need, any ideas?

Remember that meeting any particular need must be done in a way that makes you BOTH happy. Joyce and Dr. Harley discovered that although he liked his shirts to be ironed, Joyce didn't have to be the one doing the ironing. He just wanted the finished product. She was very happy to give up the chore and pay someone else to do it, and he was still happy with the result. And it was still meeting his need for DS because he wasn't the one doing it. Make sense?

If you prefer to hire someone to clean the house because of your FT job, or any other reason, and he wants you to be the one doing it, you need to keep brainstorming until you find a solution that works for both of you.

There are other aspects of DS other than cleaning the house, too, that could be considered: preparing meals, buying clothes, managing the household in general.

Keep negotiating and brainstorming until you both reach a decision that you are both enthusiastic about.

Hi Alada, so great to hear from you! Sorry though about the heat and it taking its toll.

On the DS topic, my H and I are in a different situation since we have no longer have children living at home. It is just us, and so the house stays pretty presentable. We only have cleaning/dusting/vacuuming issues to deal with during the week.

Have you and your H gotten to the area in the program where you list all of the domestic chores that you want to accomplish, and then divide them up?

We have not done that yet (still focusing on other things lol). We do keep a running list of domestic chores as well as the extras for maintenance and repair, etc.

Our main goal is our UA time, and H often finishes his work before I do, so he will look at that list and get those chores accomplished by himself just so that when my work is done, we can start on our UA time rather than feeling stuck "doing chores".

He also seems to be TOTALLY THRILLED when I do take some time away from my work day (I work at home) and get some of the domestic stuff accomplished.

In your sitch, just some random ideas�

can you maybe get up ten minutes early and fold laundry/and or switch the wash?
How about chopping fresh veggies and putting them into containers in the fridge so that they are easy to grab when he makes dinner?
Change sheets and put fresh ones on? <---I personally hate that chore but LOVE the results
Clean out the fridge?
Throw dinner in a crockpot before you leave for work?
Wipe fingerprints off of mirror and tv screen?
Vaccum out the car?

I'm just thinking of extra things that your H may not get to, since he is also a stay at home Dad, right?

Wow, this weekend was filled with triggers. I know that still being at campus is a big one, but I have learned to manage that particular one.

I had so many triggers this weekend, I feel so low. H is not good at helping me through my lows, I'm guessing he feels guilty.

Any suggestions on how to manage?

All triggers must be eliminated.
Have you considered moving?

Yes, we are planning on moving.

I was actually job hunting early this year, but due to my pregnancy we decided to postpone it. Now that I'm no longer pregnant I'm back to the job hunt. Unfortunately, I need to wait one more semester at least due to college calendars.