Thanks for your response.

What can I do to make this work. What do I do. Few days I feel better then few days later I am a wreck and can't stop crying or even functioning. I can barely sleep. My husband thinks he is trying but I don't feel it. Somedays I wish I was dead. I talk to god to take me away from this pain because I can't bear it. Somedays I am fine. I hate this roller coaster ride.

Start by affair proofing your marriage by creating an integrated lifestyle where he can't cheat. Start there and then you go onto recovery. Follow the program outlined in Surviivng an Affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Gawking and the porn addiction are interrelated. Men find it easier to meet SF needs visually than women do. It is actually a pathetic substitution, because fulfilling SF only comes through a committed marriage with a loving wife. It is like passing on gourmet food in order to stuff yourself with fast food, simply because you are too lazy and impatient to do what it takes to get to the good stuff.

Your marriage recovery will take time. Change does not happen over night, but with extraordinary precautions, your marriage will be protected so that you will never have to endure this pain again. You must be together all of the time. Certainly never spend a night apart again. The two of you will need to brainstorm together for all of the ways that you must now protect your marriage (we can help you with that).

No, we cannot know what goes on in each other's minds, but EP's (extraordinary precautions) will keep you safe.

This does not equate to having a dog on a leash. At first it will feel odd, but then you will find that you LIKE living a fully integrated life together.

No, we should never trust our spouse. Dr. Harley says that all of us are wired to have affairs, so all of us should have been taking great pains to protect our marriage all along.

Yes, you certainly have the right to walk away. No one would blame you.

However, if you WANT to recover your marriage, we can help you. It starts with building protection around your life so that you will be safe from this ever happening again.

Right NOW he may not have the ability to help you through this pain. But if the two of you will learn to work the marriage builder program, you will soon be able to go to him when you are sad�and you will not bring up the past! YET, he will want to give you re-assurance and he will be able to meet your need for some affection so that you will feel better in the moment. Does that make sense?

Do you see how cursing him and calling him a liar is not going to help you to get what you need?

So far, your husband has not been safe to tell you the truth, but that is changing. He WANTS to stop this disease, with you! So you cannot beat him over the head for giving you the truth.

Once you have gotten the polygraph, then this all will be your past. Then if you choose to stay together, it is on to your Present and your FUTURE!

Other Woman

My husband says that I abuse him curse him in fights. It's true. But most of the times it's him who starts yelling and screaming on me. Yesterday I called him an [censored] because when I said nothing to him he said u curse me. When I asked him how did I curse u he says u call me a liar. Is liar a curse. In his situation it's a name for his personality. To cover a lie he will stand his ground and if need be physically hurt me too. I then loose it and curse him and he doesn't step back. He curses me too. For thirteen years his parents have demeaned me. NOT once. and I don't say this lightly NOT once have I answered back or been rude. Today I feel very short changed in this. He has never been a man enough to stand the ground specifically for me. They r even mean to him but he has been a good son. Not realizes that giving in on wrong things only fueled them to be more and more evil. They have humiliated my entire family and me repeatedly. Going to lengths of saying to my husband that all the time u have ur head stuck in her skirt. Who even talks like that. It's disgusting. My husband now feels offended if I point out how I have felt about them. They have demanded money jewelry and everything I have saved. Now my husband feels bad if I bring this up not appreciating that for so many long years I stood by him like a pillar of strength. He says all his efforts go waste. That's a LIE again. He has barely made any efforts to do anything out of the ordinary to make me feel special. Even after I came back I had to ask him to arrange a dinner out to which he says yes but doesn't. Until I remind him again. And then it's like u r forcing him to. My husband will be alone at home without kids but I will have to initiate to have sex with me And that is how it has usually been. I don't initiate it anymore but I did after all this nonsense. I have to ask him to go buy me flowers but he knew on his dinner dates with his keep that he should take her bouquets. Something he has never do e for me in twenty years of knowing him. He states he is trying , and I need to know how is he trying. What is he doing to even try ????!!!?? My heart wants this to work out but my brain is telling me to stop hoping. My husband is a kind of personality who will go to ridiculous levels to have what he wants whether right or wrong and he always has it his way. And I am tired. Today when he wants to take me out it doesn't mean [censored] to me. Because it's clouded with days and days of me asking to be out in the nights while he prefered to be with his alcoholic friends or his keep. U guys suggest that I should keep him on a leash. Have dine all that. When I caught him Smsing her in the nights he used to keep his cell outside the bedroom and sleep or even after porn usage he would not take the fone in the bathroom. Then he would wait till I left work. She had a different number. Something used for him. He on his vacation with me in December didn't have a cell fine. Told me every am was going to the gym but used outside fones to reach her. He used the chauffeurs fone to call her. Am I to be with him twenty fours even. When he says to me I am on his neck all the time and because of this the fights have happened. He used to step out in the Caribbean a mile away with his friends for a poker nt. not even a mile away from me. Between his poker sessions told his friends he is visiting the restroom. Would go for a quickie to his keep and be back. How can I stop this. Can I follow him into the restroom. He has lied to me every step of the way. Says hasn't swindled money. If u steal money frommy business's to give it under the table to employees. Isn't that swindling of money. His moves are always to make him. Look like a stud and no he hasn't worked one nice to make me feel any special at all. Nothingggg.

My husband brings her panties home which are still in th pocket of his suit on valentines day. My husband who I heard tell his friend AFTER I had found out about all this in a caustic way that my wife is asking me if I have kids anywhere else yes I do have many kids in Vegas. This is my husbands sense of homur. Please do ask him any of u that did he to my face flirt with women. Women that we interacted with on everyday basis. Did I not ask him to stop. He has just refused me on all the dam aspects of life. And I can't stop seeing all that. He calls this the past repeatedly. And with the hope that the future is different wants me to base my present on what he the biggest liar of my life suggest what my future will be like. In so many years my husband has never made efforts to do anything for me never done any gestures that make me feel special. Nothing. Today they mean nothing to me All I can think of how he went out of the way to buy her [censored] because he understood her hints. And he somehow didn't get it when I begged him to take me out for dinner !!!!!!!!

In my husbands post. He states he got tempted and he strayed. Was this once. Did he get tempted once. No. He did this for years repeatedly. As a way of life as a lifestyle. Meticulously planned. How is that being strayed. Didn't stop till I didn't look for proofs. Did not stop when caught and because he would delete the SMS or delete history he was at it. Do u guys call that being strayed. Or a serial liar. Would someone who loved u called u a prostitute. He talks about my foul language and can't bear to be called a liar but I have heard worse If I was a prostitute I would be doing men all over like him doing women all over. He has bragged to my cousin who is his friend how he has done his keep in her [censored] at two am on the beach. Before I got married to my husband I used to tell him I wanted to make love to him under the stars on a beach. My husband would not even walk down the beach with me in so many years because he said he didn't like the sand in his feet. Today he has described how he had anal sex with her on the beach. I feel shattered to see and hear all this. He has broken me into pieces and then said he has loved me.

My husband used hard cash from the business for his escorts. Because I trusted he would not misuse the money for any reason I never checked his pockets before a business trip. He would be doing four hundred dollar hookers every night. So is that swindling of money or not

Can you follow this plan?

Gkumar cannot change his past, no matter what you say today.

Everyone told me the same thing that I am telling you. They were right. Unfortunately, we WANT to react in extreme anger. We WANT to rage over this horrible injustice. But those actions will not accomplish anything except to teach our spouse that they will get punished for (finally) telling us the truth.

It isn't fair.

But we cannot help you by trying to make things fair. We CAN help you by talking with you both and guiding you to learn to stop beating each other up with your words and actions, and then to learn to build a new passionate marriage. We can help you to learn to make your Present and your Future fair!

Is he STILL lying? Today has he lied?

What do you mean by physically hurting you if need be?

He denies this but I was told he bragged how he has done a Japanese hooker for twenty five hundred for one round with her. Obviously my husband denies and sates had just discussed such a thing and massage park ours exist. In thirteen years of marriage I have never travelled anywhere to see places on a vacation. NEVER has he planned a trip for me. But he has had plenty opportunities to see fun places and do fun things. I feel I have got nothing just nothing in this marriage while I do his laundry wash dishes take care of the kids and cook his food and thn go to work he has had a very easy life with luxuries. His decisions have taken us in the ground financially yet he has spent thousands of dollars on his keep on himself knowing it has taken us in a hole. Planned a exotic vacation just two months back with her Why did he not ever think of spending this time and money for me or on me

How do I know today has he lied. Yes he has lied in his post on his forum. As usual very smart with his words. Makes it sound like he sits down and hears me curse. No. It's not the truth. He sits across my face and still lies about things he has arranged with employees. When caught manipulated the words to make it sound like he doesn't remember or didn't understand. Or just behaves dumb. He lies to my face.

All these incidents is swindling of money. How else did he manage to do this. Telling me we have a no amount while he was takin the balance to buy her gifts. Giving her thousands of dollars worth of gifts isn't that swindling money

YEP!

That is exactly what you do!

Go into the men's restroom with him when you are out. And go into the bathroom with him in your own home.

You handle any cash. If your husband doesn't have cash, then he cannot pay for a hooker, can he?

If you and he agree that you will do ANYTHING to help him to end his addiction, then you will have to think of things like this!

He had everyone everyone convinced even my own brother thought it was my imagination. No one understood me because my husband is very smart with his language. Very sly and lies like a pro. He would make u feel like u r the one. He would look me in the eye and tell me baby u know I love u I will never cheat on u. And then goto work and smooch her ten minutes later. Years of lies pears of deceit. He calls this the past. But this is my whole life

Blind sighted. U know what u suggest to me is just not possible. I cannot be with him all twenty four hours. I have kids and a house to run. And he abused every minute of when I turned and left