Mrs. Gkumar,

You have a decision to make.

Are you going to leave your marriage? Leaving would be totally justified, and this forum would support you completely in this decision.

Or, are you choosing to stay? If you choose to stay and try to recover your marriage with your husband, the path is very narrow. Very few marriages recover from infidelity, but it can be done. Those posting to you have recovered marriages. Please listen to the guidance you are getting.

If you decide to recover, the first thing that must be accomplished is to eliminate your anger and disrespect.

Hey, we get it. Of course, you feel terribly angry about the betrayal of the very person who promised to care for you. But the anger and disrespect will not solve your problems. Dr. Harley has said on his radio show how incredibly disrespectful betrayed spouses often are to their wayward spouse. Yes, it's true. And I was also very angry and disrespectful toward my H who decided he wanted to recover our marriage after his affair.

Anger and disrespect will only serve to push your H away and make you feel worse. You might feel better in the short term by punishing your H in this way, but in the long term, the anger and disrespect will not make you feel any better about yourself, your marriage, or your life.

Can you eliminate your anger and disrespect and operate from a position of logic, rather than emotion?

Because this is the first thing that will have to happen if you want to proceed with recovery.

You should consider going to your doctor and getting on anti-depressants while you are going through this terribly stressful time. They will help a great deal by evening out your emotions.

His friends are all cheaters and he would play this poker with me. Would actually come and tell me about their affairs. Then add that he is telling me because he is not like that and has nothing to hide from me n he would fight me cats and dogs to go out alone with these guys and all what these men discussed was who cheated where and how. He has fought me for years to be with these friends of his. And I repeatedly told him that u will become like the company u keep. Only to know he was the head honcho of this group.

Which path do you want to follow, Mrs.G? Do you want to recover with him? Do you want to divorce?

If you want to recover, can you follow the plan melody posted above?

Are you reading any of the posts?

Your marriage was terrible and your H was a liar and, naturally, hung out with similar people.

But if you are going to recover, you will need to start focusing on the present and the future, not the past.

I don't want to work this out. But I am scared to walk out of this alone now. I am gathering guts to do this. He is a good father and my kids will miss him terribly and hence for the sake of my kids sometimes I feel I need to work this out. But when all these realities come to me I feel sickened. I have not been able to make a decision at this point of time. He has asked me to wait till fifth of July as we had this discussion on 5th June to wait another month and try. But he feels I am not trying. He doesn't understand what it takes for me to try and I know deep down I have tried.

Yes I am following melody plan page 67 68

You do not have to recover with him if you do not want to. No one will blame you. Recovery is not easy. If you choose that path, both of you are going to have to follow some strict rules. The ranting you have been doing today will have to cease. Extraordinary precautions will need to be in place. You will need to spend a minimum of 25 hours alone together every week meeting each other's emotional needs. All love busters will have to be eliminated. Are these things you are willing to do?

If you are not wanting to do those things to recover, it would be better for your kids if you separate. Living in a home with fighting parents is not good for them.

I was always willing for this time alone. He wasn't. If we went out he would eat his dinner without speaking to me in his thoughts. In the movies goto sleep. At home to tired and irritated to talk. Is this the alone time u r referring to.

But are you willing today? Is he willing today?

I am willing today. But I have no clue if he is willing. He may say he is willing but when he pretends to be interested it sucks.

I feel he is working this out just so the business doesn't get hurt. His credibility gets on the line once I leave as we have made our business as a team. He loves his daughter and can't see her go with me and hence is trying to save us. Whether he is trying to save this for me is my question

No, the time is to be spent meeting each other's emotional needs. That can't be done while asleep, and it can't be done while feeling so tired that you can't be attractive. The time is called "undivided attention" time, so his attention needs to be on YOU for that time. He'll need to meet your emotional need for conversation, and we have a guide here on this site to help him learn to do that. The conversation will have to be balanced between both of you, so he can't be silent the whole time, and the conversation is to be used to investigate, explore, and understand each other.

The question I would ask is, is he willing to follow the plan wholeheartedly. When we point out where his following the plan is deficient, is he willing to correct the mistakes. For example, when we point out he needs to be giving you fifteen hours of his undivided attention every week, and he is not doing that, does he respond by taking steps to make sure he is awake and talking to you and paying attention to you during that time. That would be one of many examples. I hope he is reading.

the time that we are referring to is called UA time�undivided attention time.

You can see what we mean by reading here (it would be GREAT if the two of you could sit down with a cup of tea and take turns reading it out loud together�that could be your first bit of UA time!). The Policy of Undivided Attention

I think that it was very smart that you decided to wait to make a decision until July 5th. When I was in a similar position, I told my husband that I could promise him one more day. I had a string of one more days, and then it went to one more week, and month. Now I am at one more year.

BUT during that time, you need to WORK on your marriage. Punishing each other by getting into screaming matches is not working on your marriage. It is destroying it further. That screaming is called angry outbursts, and it is a love buster. Until you can stop that totally, you two are not even at ground zero for beginning recovery. Read HERE about LoveBusters

You will need to watch his actions to see if he is sincere, not his words.

Do you own Surviving An Affair?

We are not in any screaming matches now. We r in silence where he is in his space and me in mine. I don't own surging affair book. Marco my husband is on his own thread in the recovery forum under the name of gkumar. I believe he is not reading my posts as he is not a reader as such.

Marcos whether my husband is willing to do all of this he is the best judge. I am definitely not begging him for another minute or asking him to make more effort. I have said all of this and more a hundred million times. My idea of our alone time is alone time. Not when we watch a movie or when he is staring at his plate or he is discussing business with me. None of that.

When this keep was in the store my husband had a sense of ho our was upbeat and happy. Since she has left my husband is quiet and secluded. Needless to say he will say this is my imagination but I know he is different now. He weeps and says is sad with his past. The way I see it he can't handle the pain of loosing her. He wants to eat the cake and have it too.