Can someone please explain to me the difference between the 5 steps workbook and the online program? I know some of you have said the online program takes a year but the workbook doesn't look like it would take very long to get through.

H has agreed to look at the workbook with me but it seems (to me) the online program would be better. Believe me, I am happy to start with the workbook but I want to be able to continue to encourage the online program. I don't know what to tell him as to why it's better (and worth $1000).

You have accountability w/a coach and access to ask Dr Harley questions on a special forum.

Why does it take a year?

The workbook was created by Dr. Harley to use in conjunction with the books HNHN and LB. If you and your H have the discipline and motivation to work through these materials on your own, then you're fine with just these. First, you and your H would fill out the "Marital Problems Analysis" --- > Here and then you'd start on your most serious problems, working though until you've covered everything.

The Online Seminar uses those materials as well, but adds a very helpful video series of his Marriage Builder conference lectures. There's also a CD audio series of the books that can be listened to. A coach helps you with setting up the problems to cover first as well as with any questions you might have. A weekly email ensures that the lessons have been covered and UA time is occurring.

One of the best parts of the Online Seminar is having access to Dr. Harley on the private forum. You can look through all the questions that have been asked and answered as well.

We just could not seem to push ourselves to complete the lessons on our own and that's why we signed up for the Online Seminar. It was very motivating and incredibly helpful. It's much more comprehensive than buying the workbook.

It doesn't HAVE to take a year, but you get a year of coaching for the money. It took us just six months to get through the materials, but we have no children at home, lived on a remote island at the time, and my H had a 40-hour work week and lived a quarter mile from work.

After the year is up, you will still have lifetime access to the private forum.

I smiled a little at this because at our current pace, it's taking us at least a year to get through. I guess it depends on what your issues are and how quickly you can develop new habits to correct them.


After being in the program, I honestly don't see how they do it for as little as $1000 to be honest.

One reason it might take longer is if one or both of you is uncooperative, or takes longer to resolve specific problems. For example, the hope is that you will eliminate disrespectful judgments in 1-4 weeks. But if like me you take longer at it, your pace might have to be adjusted.

The rate we were going for a little while was 1 lesson every 6 months. But we were particularly tough nuts to crack, I think

Well considering it has taken my H 6 months just to agree to the workbook I have a feeling we will struggle on our own. And we have HUGE problems to resolve. I gave him an ultimatum this morning...things have to change or he needs to leave.

You really need to be in the online program then. You would have the direct guidance of a MB coach and the supervision of Dr. Harley. It is worth much, much more than what they charge. My DH and I went through it in 2007 and it really made an amazing difference. Once you learn new habits, you just build on those year after year and your marriage gets better and better.

Thank you! Very helpful info.

Next question...can time spent working on the program count toward UA time? I think I have read here that UA time should be fun and not include "relationship talk"?

Dr Harley recently told a woman that she shouldn't spend her UA time "working on your marriage." He said "WHO WANTS TO DO THAT??"

On the other hand, I know of times he has told couples they could use their UA time this way, so maybe some recent clients can answer that.

We were told that we could count the lesson time towards UA. We did, however I hated doing so.

We counted our lessons as UA time. We worked on them cuddled up on the couch and then often raced upstairs to our bedroom. And then we counted that time as well.

AM

We are also told that working on the lessons can be counted towards UA time. For us, it does work out that way, but I can see it not being enjoyable depending on the topic.

When we worked on the LB sections, it was often not very enjoyable. We kept the time spent nightly on those lessons pretty short, no more than a half hour, and did not count them as UA time. We'd sit together on the couch and read aloud for a page or two, discuss, and move to something else that was more enjoyable.

We did the worksheet pages from LB in the same way, just a half hour or so, and we stopped when one of us asked to.

However, HNHN was more enjoyable, and we could easily spend more time on that. We might read an hour together, perhaps completing one entire chapter if we both were enjoying it. We'd work the Five Steps in the same way.

We counted the pleasant hours of HNHN studies toward UA time.

I think it was enjoyable for us because we focused on how to make each other happier in life and in our marriage. Even when we did the LB lessons, we focused on the present and future and not "Well, you did this." And "Oh yeah, but you did that.". It was all about how both of us could be happier.

AM

Yeah, well....that's not quite how I handled it, unfortunately. I was awful about bringing up the past at first. I finally decided to work with our coach on using the Conversation worksheet and track my frequent slips into the past. I also enlisted the help of my husband and gave him a very specific phrase to use when I did that big love buster. He agreed to always be gentle and tell me that he was sorry for his mistakes of the past but that we needed to stick with the plan and not discuss it.

Amazingly, when I had to track my mistakes, I was more aware of them and was able to reduce the times I brought up the past. My H was of great help to me with this, too, since he did as I asked him to help me.

Talking about the past always made us both miserable, but it's amazing how much discipline it required for me to end it once and for all.

Oh, I was the same way. We struggled for a couple of years trying to work the at home program ourselves. H was still a liar and I excelled with the DJs. After we attended the MB weekend in Jan 2010, we both stopped those behaviors. It was really hard for me to just shut up about the past. It was so hurtful, but as you note, talking about it just prolonged the pain. Once we started to focus on the present and future, all of our conversations, to include working on MB lessons, were enjoyable. We both realized that our goal was to make each other happy, not make each other miserable talking about past mistakes/behavior. Dr. Harley is SO sensible.

AM

Thank you for all of your input. It is both encouraging and discouraging...I just have to realize we have a long, probably slow road ahead of us. I will have to set my expectations accordingly.