Here is another bit that I've written to help pull my thoughts together. Again, I appreciate feedback. I don't know that I'll ever send or read this to my wife - but I wanted to pull my thoughts together.

Requirements to restore our marriage:
There can be no contact with Xxxx � ever, at all. The friendship and association is over � forever. If we must move or join different organizations or find new sets of friends, then that is what must be done.
There can be no secrets. No hidden accounts. No hidden activities. No secret accounts. Everything must be open to each other. Full accountability to each other.
Boundaries must be established to prevent this from happening again. Boundaries with Xxxx have failed in the past and are still failing today. We must both establish boundaries that keep others out of our marriage bond. Any friendship that disparages our relationship or one another must be ended.
Time must be spent with one another. We must devote our time and attention to each other and to our family. Our marriage and our family are the most important priorities in our lives.
Toward this end, I would suggest that we read some books together that will help us draw nearer to God and nearer to one another. I suggest that we meet with the same counselor � but separately � so that we can communicate with a third party who can hear both sides of things and can help us to restore our relationship.
We can recapture and rekindle our love and our intimacy with each other � but we must start with a clean slate and write a new love and a new relationship.
This is a healthy, loving, devoted marriage. Anything less is not.
We � each of us � deserve this kind of loving, devoted relationship and our children deserve to see parents who display this love, affection and devotion for one another.

I can only see the contacts on the other woman's facebook page who we have in common. I don't know of any means to see her family and close friends that I don't know. Any suggestions?

(I'm hurting really badly right now. I imagine that this action is going to drive my wife away from me forever. She has accused me of being controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive - and shared that with her friends. She is going to use this exposure as "proof" that I'm all she claims.

I don't want a divorce.

I don't want to lose her.

I don't ever want to date anyone else.

I don't ever want to be with anyone else.

Some slight changes above, but otherwise a great letter!!

Hosea, I will post the MB checklist that is in Survivng an Affair. You DO have this book, right? Your list is good, except the "counseling" part. You need to work on saving your marriage and forgo the "counseling" for another lifetime. WE can help you restore your marriage using the MB principles. Don't mess up your chances with a "counselor."

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You will be just fine. You are headed to divorce NOW because of the ongoing affair. Exposure is no guarantee but it gives your best chance at recovery. Just expect her to be furious and make a multitude of threats when you interfere with her affair. It will blow over and you will be fine.

Don't be scared. We will be here for you.

Try looking for family members on her husbands or children's facebook pages.

Okay, answers to questions above:

I have Surviving the Affair and I'm on chapter 4.

My counselor today agreed that the affair has to end before the marriage can heal - but thought full exposure was "extreme". She thought that my wife could respond with "how can I ever trust you if you did this to me?"

I am facing some doubts and need to check with a few points...

1) In Sept - Dec 2011, they had one makeout session with nipple play and two other kissing sessions. They admitted to a sexual attraction. My wife admitted that she fantasized about the other woman while she and I had sex.

2) My wife has since said that she "isn't bisexual" and "isn't attracted to women" and that she was "just confused". She has tried to assure me that they have only a "sisterly affection" for one another now.

3) I recognize the signs of an emotional affair - and it's with someone who she formerly had a physical affair with - is it still an affair that needs to be exposed? (I think that it is, but I'm dealing with self-doubt and fear and need reassurance and feedback.)


Lastly, I have researched the kids pages tonight and found nothing that indicates grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. I'm back to square one that the only way I know how to reach the family of the other woman is to crash their church service. I'm bold enough to do it.

I talked to my former pastor tonight and he leans toward the full exposure as well - but wanted me to double check about crashing the church service and saying, "This is a Matthew 18 situation. I have issues with Xxxx who is having an affair with my wife and her husband, Xxxxx, who knows about it and has attempted to seduce my wife as well. I need the church to step up and deal with your members to keep them away from my wife and family."

(Yes, I'm bold enough to walk into a church service, to interrupt the preacher and do that - I might take some "backup" though...)

[EDIT] If I crash the service, should I have copies of my exposure letter printed out to leave for them to read?

Should I include the other woman's children in the exposure? Should I include the teenage friends of our children who are also friends with the other woman and her children - or only the adults (some of these people may not appreciate something sexual being mentioned to their under 18 kids)?

Hosea,

As a bit of a diversion I was wondering if you could weigh in on something I noticed about my W, and does your W act similarly?

When a particular female friend phones my W exhibits very sexual body language primping hair, touching breasts, crotch and butt, moves away from me to another room. This body language is not exhibited with other female friends. I don't know if this should bother me.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, that is sometimes what a fogged out, infuriated wayward will say. Try not to laugh! When I was a practicing alcoholic, I said those very words to my husband when he took the car keys away from me when I was drunk. But did my outraged reaction invalidate his gesture? Of course not.

Your WS will respond with much, much worse than that, though. Expect a reaction much like a crackhead who gets his crack pipe taken away. I would show your counselor Dr. Harley's material on the subject so she can educate herself. Since she is not familiar with the dynamics of infidelity, she should probably withhold judgment until she understands it.


It is a sexual affair, and yes, it should be exposed. Your wife would be considered "bi-sexual." She can call herself a baloney sandwich if she wants; its all the same. It is just semantics.



What about the yellow pages? Google?


I can see his point. I would crash the service as a last resort because you don't want to be a freak show. But keep in mind that you need to a) do this VERY SOON and b) do it all in the same 48 period so it hits them like a tsunami.

I would not bring up the fact that the husband tried to seduce your wife too. Your goal is to expose the affair. Don't muddy the waters with more issues.


I would stick to only the OW's kids and leave any other kids out of it.

Hosea,

Ultimately you should get a polygraph for your WW, as you can't live the rest of your life with a woman who is lying to you.

I really can't imaging how anyone can stop at kissing and then continue as sisters for years.

God Bless
Gamma

And I realize you can't see the long view because you have never been through this to the other side [and neither has your counselor, btw] but the exposure will usually kill the fog because it kills the affair. When the fog is worn off we have had MANY waywards actually THANK their spouses for exposure because it served to pull them out of the dark hole.

I'm afraid I'm in the "fog" too - all I can see is my wife leaving me. This will destroy her reputation - and I promised her that I would not destroy her reputation but would work to protect it.

Yes, I know that was enabling, now - but it was still a promise that I made.

Ultimately, a reputation is not as important as a marriage, I see that.

Do you have any "best guesses" on how long we'll face the anger and withdrawal before there are moves toward reconciliation?

At this point, I've had zero affection (but plenty of sex) - except for the night before last, where she showed me some affection before we had sex. I'm starved for affection and, truth be told, I'm seriously in danger of looking for it in the arms of someone else. I've been avoiding all contact with other women, even supposed "innocent hugs of support". (I've literally blocked the hug and said, "I know you mean well, but I'm starved for affection and extremely weak right now and I don't need any kind of temptation. Thank you for your support, but please don't hug me.")

Gamma,
My wife has never been one to display sexual queues - and if she wants to talk with her friends, she immediately vacates the room and seeks privacy (she's even sat in the black car under a blazing sun when it was 90 degrees out, ostensibly "cleaning" the vehicle, to talk on the phone).

I can't see most of her communication, however. Most of her calls take place during the day while I work - but she does text and facebook message with the other woman while we sit in bed relaxing before sleep. We normally read, check Facebook, surf the web, etc. while in bed for an hour or so before sleep. She'll often facebook chat or text with the other woman while we're together - but I've never notices sexual queues from her - though occasionally she'll spontaneously initiate sex with me.

From reading messages back and forth between them back in February, I know that they both encourage each other to initiate sex with the husbands. Her claims are that they are both "encouraging their marriages" together. And, yes, I've seen them say things like, "Go and seduce your husband" in their messages.

I've also seen them share "This is how he made me climax...." and give lurid, specific details to one another, as well. (Which I've taken as "training manuals" for each other - so their first sexual encounter is an informed one, rather than a fumbling "first try".)

But she is destroying her OWN reputation with her adultery. You won't be destroying anything except for her fantasy. You are telling the truth, not destroying her reputation. People EARN their good reputations.


But it was not a promise you should have made. Affairs should always be exposed. This will give you support and help blow up the affair. People who want to have a good reputation do what it takes to EARN it.


Your marriage will survive her anger, but it won't survive her affair.


It depends on the person and the marriage. Remember that exposure is the first "weapon" in your arsenal against her affair. It's not a guarantee that your marriage will be saved, but it's very effective at ending the affair. And ending the affair is only the first step toward recovery.


I recommend you simply block any hugs, or go for a little "side hug," and don't tell people it's a temptation to you and that you're starved for affection. This tactic may lead you down the wrong road, even with your good intentions. Just block the hugs.

My wife has never been a very sexual creature. It takes a lot of work to "work her up" - but once excited, she's been very open to lots of things. I used to call her "bi-willing" because she had zero interest in other women - until she was aroused and then she was "willing" to think about it.

I know that sexual attraction and interest is not a black/white thing - it is a spectrum of desire. I also think my wife has huge psychological inhibitions in many areas and her bisexuality is one of them. She is totally embarrassed at the idea that anyone would think she has any kind of interest or attraction to another woman. (And I truly believe that she doesn't have "attraction" or "interest" - until she's in a place where she feels a safe, emotional bond and she's aroused - and then she's "open" to it.)

I also realize that when you're in love with someone, no one else appeals to you. Since she's in love with the other woman, no other woman appeals to her - so her statement "I'm not attracted to other women" is true - but she *is* attracted to the other woman.


I don't know their names. I've tried to find them, but I've hit brick walls. The other woman has been very good at keeping the walls around her. One thing that my wife told me is that the other woman is "very private" - and now I think I know why. She's living a secret life and she's been doing it for a long, long time.


If I crash the service, I have to time the exposure very carefully. I can't do it this weekend - it will have to be next weekend (which would actually be better for me because I'll need a solid day to get all the messages sent out - otherwise, I need to take a vacation day).

Should I tell any trusted confidantes of my intention to expose? Or should I simply expose?

Just expose without any warning to anyone. Just expose and do it all at once, so the exposure is massive.

I came up with an idea to get the other woman's family information from her church without crashing the service - but it means I have to reveal some details to a trusted friend. This friend could attend the church, pull aside the leadership and tell them that he has a friend who needs some wise counsel and can he have their contact information...

Thoughts?