Telling him if he wants to move back in with you, then he will have to purchase and go through the Marriage Builder Accountability Program which will cover your entire list and will give you a access to a coach that will let you know when it is ok to have him move back in. If he is not willing to do that then he is not willing to make the changes that is required. And that should make you next steps clear.

RHLady,

If you decide to follow Life4799's suggestion, you should make it clear to your husband that he should take the lead and not just follow along, doing the bare minimum. Then, take a step back, watch his actions and ignore what he says. He is a smooth talker and has gotten by with that for a long time.

AM

Yep, that is why I mentioned in my earlier post that one of your conditions should be for him to have a steady job and evidence of paying his bills by himself. I would require him to do this for a year before I allowed him to move back in. I might allow dating after 3 to 6 months IF he starts the marriage builder program with you and is the leader in that.

But I don't see any of this ever happening. He will just find an easier mark.

RHLady,

Do you have something positive to post from yesterday? I like your positive post about Tuesday. Do you have something good from yesterday?

AM

As a matter of fact, I do. I have 3 sisters (and a friend that has been anointed as our sister), but I am closest to the sister who is a year younger than me.

My mother was southern and she would say that my sister and I were like two worms all wrapped up together. She believed that no matter what happened between the two of us that we would always be close...and so far she has been correct.

I talked to my sister last night and asked her a question just to mess with her mind. It worked. Even when we had discussed the question, we re-visited the topic several times. There is always much laughter when I talk to my sister. One of the funny things is, that when we say "well, I better get off here", it doesn't mean a dang thing because we keep talking.

I love my seester.

That's great. I had two brothers who were quite a bit older than I. My parents spoiled me quite a bit, but I never had that "sisterhood" with anyone.

Did your husband call again last night? What do you think about the comments in the recent posts?

AM

AM

I understand everybody's concern for me. I am NOT going to just let him move back in with me until and unless I see noticeable changes on his part. I do agree that it is unlikely to happen.

I spoke to him only for a moment because he was on his way to dinner with his son and his son's girlfriend.

I would truly appreciate some comments about wording when I tell him that he is not staying with me when he comes back to get the rest of his stuff. I am not sure how he will react but I don't think he is going to be happy about it. I want him to understand that I do not want to put myself through the pain again when he leaves without him thinking that he can stay.

Help with wording please.

You could ask him which hotel he plans to stay in?

I spoke to him and he is not happy. I will share later.

You don't have to worry about his approval or his upset. You are lining yourself up with who you are and how you expect to be treated. A thoughtful caring person would show concern for you and how his behavior is affecting you.

I would use few words. Give him the bottom line. Own it. "I'm not happy. We can no longer live together and I cannot provide for you and allow you to use any of my resources. You will need to find other accommodations. If you would like to re-learn how to be in relationship with me going forward contact (IM) and he/she will give you my instructions."

I talked to Hubby this morning. He was telling me he would be heading back this weekend. I told him we needed to talk.

I proceeded to tell him that he could not stay at the house because I did not want to experience the devastation of seeing him leave again. He said so you don't want to see me. I told him that I love him and that yes I want to see him but that I can't put myself through the pain again.

I said I love you and I want a relationship with you but not the kind of relationship that we have had for the past couple of years. I said I am working on myself and trying to make positive changes. He said he was too.

I said what kind of changes. He said he was getting bored with his video games and had planned on leaving them in Texas when he came back. I said I hear what you are saying but you told me yesterday that you had spent the day watching movies and playing games. I said that there were things that I would like to see him do but I didn't know if he would be willing. He said is it something that I am physically capable of doing?

I said that I think so. He asked what? I said attend anger management classes, get individual counseling, take regular showers, treat me with care and respect, manage your money better, and do what you say you are going to do.

He feels like we could do those things better if we were together. I told him that if we were getting along much better that I would have went to Texas in a heartbeat. But that I didn't want to change locations and still have a bad relationship. He said that I was happiest when he was in control of our relationship in the early years and I was. But he also treated me with care and looked out for my best interest. He focused his attention on me and we did fun things together.

I told him that I was going to sell the house(it is my house) and use the equity to get a smaller place. He said that I was doing all these things without talking to him about it. I said that I talked to him before he left about selling the house, getting a smaller place that we both liked, and him going to Texas every few months to visit his family but he would not have it. I said you were the one who left me, I didn't want you to go, I didn't tell you to go.

He said you suggested that I go visit my kids. I said Yes, go visit your kids not move there. He said it was supposed to be just a visit but then he saw it as an opportunity. An opportunity to start over. I said an opportunity to start over without me.

I really thought this morning that we were starting to make some headway. I told him repeatedly that I wanted a relationship with him but different than what we had the last few years. He kept saying that I had a funny way of showing it since I didn't want to see him.

Then tonight was awful. First my tire blew while I was going 55mph and scared the heck out of me. Sounded like and explosion. It damaged my car slightly but my son changed it for me and we weren't hurt.

Then the next phone call with my hubby, he was mad.

My phone had died while I was out and he was upset about not being able to get in touch with me because he had called my cell phone 3 times and the house phone twice. I explained to him what happened and then he voiced concern about me and if I was alright. I said I was okay, that I was just scared when the tire blew and that my son would be over this weekend to change my tires.

I asked him about our morning phone call and what he remembered of it. He said that I don't want to see him again and that I don't want to see him until he moves all of his belongings back to Texas. I said that is not what I said. I said I love you and that I want a relationship with you. I do want to see you but I just can't do it right now because I don't want to go through the pain again. He said that I might have been thinking that I told him I wanted a relationship but this is the first time that he has heard me say it today.

Then things got a little vicious. He told me that his father would not be coming to help him because he did not want to get in the middle of things. he also does not want to take a chance with his vehicle towing another one and maybe have car trouble in the middle of no where.

He said he had to figure out how he was going to tow all the cars. I let him know that he was not taking the cars that I paid for and titled in my name. He said since you can't control me then you are going to stop me from taking my stuff. I said they are not yours. He said you told me I could have them when you bought them. I said no, I didn't. I thought we were going to be together forever and we would enjoy the cars a couple. I may have to sell them to make ends meet.

He said that if I tried to stop him from taking the cars that he would make me pay. He said he would tell his friend to put a mechanics lien on the cars since they had been sitting on his business lot for the last few years and if I was going to take them then I would have to pay for storage.

he said that he kind of figured I would pull something like this. I said babe I love you and I don't want to do anything to hurt you but I also can't hurt myself. I am telling you that I might have to sell my cars just to make ends meet and you sound like you want me to suffer.

I kept trying to go back to wanting our relationship to work and that I was willing to make changes but I couldn't do it by myself. I said I have told you that I want the relationship to work but you haven't told me if you want the relationship or not. He said he hadn't heard a question. I asked do you want a relationship with me. He said he didn't want a relationship with the woman I am today. he wants one with the woman he used to have. And granted I was happier then but he also treated me better.

He said that he had intended on coming back for an indefinite period because he missed me. I said why didn't you tell me that. I have heard you make all kinds of plans to come back and pack your stuff this month and then move everything next month. Never once have you said anything about coming back to stay.

He said scratch that. This morning my intention was to come back and stay but after that first phone call this morning when you said you didn't want to see me then my plans changed.

The way this last phone call went, I doubt he will call again or even try to have a relationship.

I have already tried to call the owner of the business where my cars are parked. I left him a message about what hubby is doing and to please not let him do this wrong thing.

Hubby also said that he doesn't need anger management classes. He said that he had been living in intolerable conditions for the last five years and that he had managed to maintain his cool except for when he beat on the garage with a 2x4. I told him that I disagree...you threatened to shoot my kids.

He said they threatened to whoop me. I disagreed with him again. I reminded him of a few months ago when I stepped outside into the midst of the start of an altercation when he told my son he was waiting to pop him like he had wanted to do for several years. And my son took a step towards him and I stopped my son.

He said that isn't what happened even though you have told that story to anybody who will believe you. He said even that argument was because of you.

I had a little kitten that was cold and shaking so I rushed into the house to get something to cover the kitten. My son thought hubby had done something to upset me. He asked hubby what did you say to mom. Hubby said I didn't do anything and it's none of your F'ing business anyway. I walk back outside and hubby says what did I say to you.

I said you didn't say anything. Hubby said, see I told you I didn't do anything. Then he stood there with his arms crossed while my son and his friends were packing for college. My son turned around and asked him what he was doing. According to my hubby he said you better get your son before I pop him and that my son cursed him.

Hubby also said anger management and counseling are all the same thing and he doesn't need it. He said that if I give up control of our relationship then we would both be happier.

I had a brief moment when I wondered if he might be correct. Then I remembered how viciously he turned on me this evening. And made everything my fault.

I really do wish he would work on our relationship with me but I don't think he really wants me. I thought this morning we were making progress but I think he was just a little stunned when I said he couldn't come here.

My heart hurts for what could have been good again with a lot of hard work.

I even told him this morning that I don't want to focus on all the conflicts that they had us doing in marriage therapy. I wanted to focus on the things that would make us happier with each other but according to him I never said that I wanted a relationship with him.

Such bullchit.

I even told him that while I am not ready to see him yet that I was considering going to Texas for the long July 4th weekend to see him. But since I will not bow down and let him have everything I have, he probably won't want to see me anyway. I plan on calling his parents tomorrow and let them know what is really going on. They like me and they were the ones that told him a few years ago that he better get a job or he might find himself peddling his little car down the road.