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I would not even know where to start in explaining my situation Dr. H. There is no need to overthink this. Joyce Harley will call you and clarify the questions in advance, and if you refer them to this thread, they can review it, too.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I just sent an email to Dr. Harley. How long does it usually take to know if he will respond?
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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Usually within 24 hours. Sometimes a little longer, it hard to say.
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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The Harleys answer every email they receive, so you will hear from them. If you don't hear back in a few days, notify the moderators. They can check and make sure the message was received. Just hit the "Notify" button at the bottom of the message window.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I just sent an email to Dr. Harley. How long does it usually take to know if he will respond? Oh, Dear Lady, I am so glad that you did this. Dr. Harley is so insightful and to the point. I am glad you had that conversation with your MIL. She seems to have a good grasp about her son's behavior. I am certain she loves him, but is not proud of the man he is. AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I emailed Dr. H from my personal email account, should I have done it on here?
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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I emailed Dr. H from my personal email account, should I have done it on here? Sending from your personal email account is the right way to do it.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I just sent an email to Dr. Harley. How long does it usually take to know if he will respond? Let us know what Dr. Harley has to say.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I just received a call from Joyce Harley. I will be on the program tomorrow. I was surprised to get a call, I expected an email response.
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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That's great! We will be listening for it. If you don't already have it, download the MBRadio app on your smartphone. It is free, and it will let you listen to the program more carefully afterwards. When you are on the program, it is hard to absorb the advice fully in a single hearing. If you don't have a smartphone, you can replay to show on your computer, as well, by following the link on the home page at www.marriagebuilders.com.Please come back here and tell us what your thoughts are on what they advise.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I just got off the phone with my mother-in-law. She said her and her husband had only seen my hubby once since he had been in Texas.
She also finally said he treats you like chit. I told her I was surprised to hear her say that because he was usually on his best behavior in front of them. She said if that is his best behavior then it is no wonder the kids hate him and that frankly she was surprised that one of my kids had not whooped him for how he treats me.
It shocked me because I didn't know she had ever seen anything. She said there had been a running joke in the family in regards to my hubby for years...that he never has a relationship that lasts longer than 7 years.
She said she does not know how he gets women. She said her best advice to me was to forget about him because he will never change. She also said do I want to hurt for a little while or the rest of my life.
She said if I come to Texas that he will manage to take all my money again and ruin my relationship with my kids. She said that she knows I care about him but sometimes you just need to let someone go.
She said I know this is not what you want to hear.
I told her I appreciate what she had to say because I know she loves him and that she knows both of us. I told her that everybody here hates him and only hears my side of the story so I felt she was unbiased.
She said she didn't know if she was unbiased because she does not like how he treats me and the kids. She also asked if I could blame my kids for hating him...just the things he does to you is enough to make the kids mad. My dear MiL said much the same to me. She loved her son so much it hurt her greatly for me to allow him to be a bad H. She told me he would never change and I should suffer some pain short term for long term happiness. She was one of the ones who helped free me from my sad love and I've never been sad since.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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It shocked me because I didn't know she had ever seen anything.
everybody here hates him and only hears my side of the story so I felt she was unbiased. The way your H treats you would be obvious to anyone with eyes. He abandoned you to go to Texas on a fools errand and that's the nicest thing he's ever done for you. There is no mistaking a good H and no mistaking a bad one. It's also not 'your side'. Your complaints are based on facts. He has neglected you, insulted you and threatened you and yours. Those are facts. They aren't daydreams you have or opinions, which don't matter just because he pretends to be better than he is. You need a husband who doesn't need to be on 'best behaviour' because his behaviour is already good. One who doesn't pretend to be romantic short term to get women hooked because he is romantic for real. One who you can tell the world the truth about, because he doesn't give you cause for complaint. You could hide his wrong doings and become a pretender like he is. But I doubt anyone would be fooled. Particularly not when he hits the road again to show who's boss. If he comes back, it has to be as a different man. Personally I think it would be easier to just get an actual different man than embark on redeeming someone who never had it, and doesn't want it.
Last edited by indiegirl; 06/17/14 09:27 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Do I need to do anything to prepare for my phone call with the Harleys tomorrow?
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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Do I need to do anything to prepare for my phone call with the Harleys tomorrow? Unless they asked you to do something, just be available for the call. Dr. Harley often calls you about 5 to 10 minutes early and talks to you privately about your situation before the show actually starts. Just relax and they will guide you. The advice they give is invaluable, and it is a very worthwhile experience.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Good luck for the show. The Harleys are really nice and will take care of you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yep, the Harleys agreed with me.. YOU NEED TO GO TO PLAN B and get an IM!!!!!!! I would make sure he doesn't even know how to find you!! Change your phone numbers, e-mail, etc. END IT!!! Get your boys' input.
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Walk me through what I need to do please. Help me!!!
Me56
H55
7 Children of mine
(18, 20, 24, 26, 29, 39, 42)
2 Children for my husband
(30, 34)
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Ok, Dr. Harley said not to write him a letter but somehow you have to let him know what you are about to do. You need to chose an IM. It needs to be someone who can stay calm and follow the rules. They will not let you know ANYTHING this guy says. Period. No matter how he begs or how "urgent" the matter is. Somehow the IM must send him a short letter saying you are breaking off all contact. You can find your property at this location. She will be filing for a divorce. You will not be able to contact her but will have to send things to me. I would suggest moving somewhere else at least for a time, so he doesn't show up unannounced. I am also a little worried about violence as well.
Then you put move somewhere else temporarily. You file for divorce. You put his stuff in storage. You talk to your sister like you said on the show if you are feeling weak. You join a church and maybe join a ladies bible study or some other LADY only activity. ( You are too vulnerable right now for a co-ed with single men activity.) Find stuff that you enjoy doing for you. Enjoy time with your sons.
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Dr. Harley strongly advised you not to let this man back into your home, even if he ever returns with a repentant, with hat in hand. Even if he goes through anger management treatment, wait a while before taking him back.
He suggested that you gather his belongings and move them to a storage unit.
Find a good IM, someone who will pass only relevant messages about finances between you. She would filter out "spam" from your H. Have the IM or someone else give him the key to the unit. The IM will tell him that the relationship is over.
Invite your sons to listen to the show with you and ask them what they think you all should do as a family, in light of the fact that this man has threatened to kill you.
To help you through withdrawal from him: get a good friend - you said your sister will help you - who will support you throughout the ordeal of withdrawal. She would be someone you can call day or night when you are feeling weak. This support person, your sister, should listen to the show, too.
Institute any extraordinary precautions you and your sister can think of to keep from contacting your H. The challenge for now will be your loneliness.
Don't reach out to him in any way, even by writing a letter, because this will make you feel worse.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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What was very clear to listeners of the radio program was just how dangerous your husband is. So why would you want to be with him? The answer is that you are in a the fog caused by your addiction to this man. Please accept this as a fact and reach out to the people around you who can think clearly for you. Separating yourself from this man is not going to be easy, but it is the only way out in this situation.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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