I'm new to posting here but have been reading this forum for days. I have a question for those who have lived with infidelity. First - my background - married for 24 years, 2 kids, marriage has been pretty steady - occassional arguments, some pet peeves and the fireworks are more sparklers than rockets, but we are good together and have a happy, comfortable life. We both work hard, H works long hours, both at the office and at home.

2 weeks ago, I found out that H slept with a co-worker while on a business trip. I was shocked and gutted. To be clear, he didn't offer the information - I found the texts on his cellphone. From what I read, it was a one-off and he told her the next day that it wasn't going to happen again. He said he wanted to remain friends but it was a bad idea for sleep together again.

He has worked with this woman for years and I've alwys been a bit intimated by her. I know they will see each other occassionally at the office.

My question is - what are the chances of a one-night-stand remaining a one-night-stand? Or is there a great chance that he will become tempted to reach out to this woman when he needs an ego boost??

Hi Maybelline, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You have a serious problem on your hands and are headed for a train wreck.

The chances of the affair ending are ZERO. And the chances of your marriage ever recovering as long as he stays at the job are ZERO. It was not a one night stand. If they only had sex on one night [unlikely] they have been having an emotional affair for much longer.

Just think about it: your husbands feelings for this woman are so intense that he has risked it ALL to sleep with her. Would a rational person do that? Of course not. But an ADDICT would. Your husband is addicted to the OW so the affair will NEVER EVER end as long as they continue to see each other at work.

Just picture the alcoholic. Can the alcoholic sober up if he changes the names of his drinks to "business drinks" and goes into the bar every day? That is what you are expecting of your husband.

Every time he sees her, his feelings of addiction are triggered. And every time he is triggered he will want to be with her again.

Thanks MelodyLane for responding. From what I read in the texts, I'm pretty sure it was the first time. In his text he said he won't have had the nerve to proposition her if he hadn't been drinking, was surprised that he did it and more surprised when she accepted. And then said it wasn't a good idea for it to happen again. He isn't looking for an affair, and he was sorry if his actions led her to believe he felt differently.

I may be ostriching, but I really want to believe that this was a single drunken mistake. I'd still be horribly hurt, but I think I could forgive that.

His feelings for her did not start that night, I assure you. But that is all irrelevant to the problem. The problem is that he had a workplace affair and it will continue as long as they work together. Your marriage will never ever recover as long as they work at the same place. You will experience an off again, on again affair as long as they are together every day.

Just think, every day he goes there is another day he might not overcome the temptation. Now he has more reason to have strong feelings for her since he has had sex with her. It will happen again.

Is she married? Does her husband know he has done?

Yes, she's married to man that no one in the office likes. This is another thing that is so upsetting - the other wives talk about how she's the whole package but married to such a jerk. I don't know what their relationship is or if he knows. And, honestly, now I couldn't care less.

I know I'm supposed to demand no contact - but that's pretty much impossible in our community and with them both working at the same company. They work in different campuses so they don't work together all the time, but go to the same executive meetings and have project meetings once a month.

Unfortunately, recovery will be impossible if they still work together. As long as you choose the job over the marriage, you will lose the marriage.

What Dr Harley would recommend is that he leave the job within 30 days or you should separate from him. He would also recommend that you expose the affair to the OW's husband, and all your family and friends. [do this immediately] Exposure to the workplace should take place if he doesn't leave in 30 days. Exposure is the most therapeutic thing you can do for your marriage because this helps the cheating spouse understand the damage he has caused and motivates him to change.

The problem with workplace affairs is that they always continue at work and the cheater never withdraws. He remains in the fog which makes recovery of the marriage impossible.

I would expose to the OW's husband immediately and while you are at it, let the other wives know too so they can protect their marriages.

Let me ask you this: do you want to save your marriage or do you want to save his career?

Because you can't do both.

When are you going to expose? Especially her BH needs to know.

I would give your WH the 30 day notice to quit his job or you'll be exposing to his work.

Have you been tested for STD/I? Has your WH been tested?

Hi Maybelline welcome to MB and I'm happy you reached out for help. You are here because your gut is telling you to. Among the many differences that men and women have the gut feeling is one of them. Women in general have a better sense of when things are not going well and I'm sure you feel that way right now and I want you to know you are right.

Even if this the only time this has happened and it doesn't happen again (which both are really unlikely), an atomic bomb has just been dropped in your marriage and unless you take the steps to clean it up your marriage will fail.

The steps to clean it up require you digging deep to find and expose the truth. Then setting up extraordinary tactics to build trust which more then likely will include changing his Job and moving from you community. After you do that you can work on bring your love back.

Now as I've indicated I don't think this is his first affair although it may be the first with her and I believe it will continue happening because he sees her and every time he does he will get more in love with her and it sound like she will help that along. When he doesn't see her he will fantasize about her and that does the same thing as seeing her. I believe he meant it when he said he doesn't want to do it again just like alcoholics mean it when they say they will never have another drink again.

If this was his first time and he truly never wanted to do this again, he would of exposed himself to you and others that could help. After 24 years of being faithful to you having an affair would devastate him to the core and he couldn't keep it to himself. The fact that you had to find it means this either old hat or he has no intention of stoping. I think it's both, but I would listen to your gut and it will tell you we are right.

First of all, he propositioned her and he did so because he had feelings for her. Those don't just go away overnight, especially when someone finds out the feelings are reciprocated. He had a crush on this woman and went for it and she happened to go for it also, why on earth would he give it up? He has a wife at home and a girlfriend who he obviously wanted (and probably for a long time), realize that and understand he will not give it up willingly.

You must expose and act or you will lose your marraige, THEY DON'T DESERVE PRIVACY TO CARRY ON THEIR AFFAIR, and that is what exposure is all about. They are both sleaze bags and the world should know about it, then your H could realize what he is and how much pain he has caused you.

It will be impossible for you to recover your marriage as long as there is contact of any form. Can you imagine the resentment you will feel every time the other wives start talking about how OW is the whole package? Can you imagine the resentment that will hit you everyday when WH leaves for work and you wonder if WH will be able to resist the temptation?

Your WH's idea that he can remain friends and continue contact with someone who conspired with him to assault your marriage is like your WH remaining friends with your rapist. It is a plan that will hurt you deeply. It is a plan to fail.

Thanks for help all. Thank you Life - your sensitivity touched a chord. An update - my H called from work - he wants to talk to me tonight. He said that he's worried about what he has to say but he wants 100% honesty between us and doesn't want me to be blindsided by something that's happened. (surprise - too late, I already was).

I know the concept here is for full exposure but I don't know if I will tell the husband. He's a big guy and very angry and agressive. There's been rumours about abuse but I don't know if that's true.

You don't tell him before you expose. It will give him warning and he will do damage control and try to make you out as a crazy, jealous wife. He will not tell you the entire truth, my guess is he will trickle truth you to pacify you and will tell you anything to convince he wants to recover (while he continues his A) this is known as gaslighting.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is fogbabble, he will try to justify his actions, blame other people, blame you and will swear he will end things. DON'T TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT! Trust me, I had been married for 10 1/2 years, mourned the loss of a daughter with my wife and she followed the same path the vets told me she would. She 'didn't want to hurt me' so she withheld facts, she blatantly lied and she broke NC multiple times. She even claimed once she just wanted to see OM to make sure he was ok because she worried for his health?? I was like, what about my health and well-being? She honestly didn't give a crap while she was in the fog.

They all claim your situation is unique, they are the exception, etc. Don't let him manipulate you, that's as good advice as you will hear right now.

This plan is proven and has been perfected for over 30 years (someone check me on Dr. H's credentials). He has data to backup his methods, don't let your gut guide you because you are not the expert in dealing with infidelity, Dr. Harley is. His plan seems extreme but he has saved thousands of marraiges and ask yourself how many you have, as hard as it is you need to let the expert guide you and follow a proven plan.

Good luck, we are all rooting for you and want to help you save your marriage.

When my husband told me he wanted "no more lies" between us, he unloaded a secret drunken ONS. Be prepared for your husband to tell you some things you don't already know.

AM

Your husband is very aggressive and dangerous. He is the real risk there. The OW's husband has a right to know so he can protect himself from your husband. It would be immoral, selfish and manipulative to not tell your husband's victim. This man cannot protect himself from your husbands assault if he doesn't know. He has a RIGHT and a NEED to know.

How would you feel if the OW's husband knew all about the affair but didn't tell you because you are "angry and aggressive?" Would that be ok for your husband and the OW to destroy you behind your back and others keep it secret from you?

I thought she was talking about the OW's husband being abusive not her H.

*I* am talking about HER HUSBAND being abusive.

Please read more carefully. The post is saying the her WH is the *real* abuser here. It is not contradicting the the OW's BH might be abusive.

If having an affair with someone isn't abuse of their spouse, I don't know what is. There is no nastier thing you can do to another human being. Accusing the BH of being abusive is a standard excuse. Look at the evidence of abuse - he won't let her cat around freely with whoever she wants to!