Your H freeloading 'plan of attack' looks something like this:

1. Find a nice lady who is either forgiving, low hanging fruit or going through a tragedy I can take advantage of. This is so I can be the boss and ignore all her complaints further on.

2. Put on the woman pleasing persona. Charm and romance her. Tell her I am making all the decisions, but actually, I am careful to only make decisions she approves of. This is so I can be the boss and ignore her further on.

3. Stress the success of the charm-attack phase in which I made woman pleasing decisions. Ask her if she enjoyed me being the boss. This is so I can be the boss and ignore her further on.

4. Start to ignore her and please myself. I will make life very difficult for her if she complains. I will describe it as 'negative'.

5. Remind her how happy we are when I am in charge. For good measure, I tell her about the previous negative harpy who I abandoned. Doesn't she think she can do better?

6. Blame everyone else. Find fault with everything. No one is treating you like you are the boss and they must be made to realise that IS A VERY BAD IDEA.

7. It seems family members are not bending to my will no matter how much of a jerk I'm being. Let's see if a touch of abandonment makes them crack. Let's not forget the goal is that I can be the boss and ignore her further on.

8. Leave. Keep one ear cocked for desperate tears and pleadings. A desperate woman might consent to a bad man rather than no man.

9. Perturbingly, the woman is pleased to not be subjected to daily abuse. She is now saying she needs me to clean up my act and behave like she matters. This cannot continue. Remind her of steps 3 and 5.

10. If you break her spirit, return to the time when you were happiest - stage 4. She will never see stage 2 again- she had her free trial period! If she gets wise to you, find another mark and start again at stage 1.

Negative is the very, very favourite word of neglectful jerks.

What on earth does that have to do with you?

This is a classic gaslighting tactic. My XH picked a really silly fight with his brother, and never spoke to him again, breaking his younger brothers heart. From that day forward, whenever anyone was upset with my H he would threaten them with the same treatment. He told both me and his mother that he had 'proved he was capable' and that if we persisted with our complaints - we'd be dead to him.

It was a very effective technique. He was essentially able to ignore the feelings of others and do whatever he pleased.

Have you read the thread on gaslighting?

How do I find the thread on gaslighting?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954175&page=3

Here you go. One of the classic gas lighting techniques is "I didn't say that" or "I didn't hear that" - your H has used both of these recently. This to remove all power from you. He will only remember the parts of conversations that serve him, your memory will be dismissed as useless. It used to drive me absolutely nuts when my XH did this. I used to think we must both have really bad memories since we could never agree on what had been said. I honestly thought about recording our conversations to settle later arguments.

If I had, he just would have moved the goalposts and called me a name or described me as 'looking for faults' for needing a recording. The fact I probably would have remembered the recording correctly wouldn't have mattered in his rage.

I'm confident in my character and memory and appeal these days. Not so much, then.

I've been in a relationship for a year and a half with a normal non gaslighty man and we've never once had a disagreement about 'what was said'. We both have perfect recall, because he isn't trying to play me. It's not normal to constantly have someone pick at you like that.

Red please don't do this until you are sorted out with this man. That means either divorced or 100% fully recovered.

The house is yours because you owned it before the marriage. He has some claim to it if you get divorced in that marital time and money was used for its upkeep during the marriage (which includes this time whilst you are separated). A judge however, would never force the sale of the house over such a short marriage.

However, if you sell the house and buy another during the time the two of you are married, it will become a marital asset and he could get 50% of the new house. Not only that, but he will certainly be awarded a chunk of the net cash from the old house.

This is true whether you are in a community property state or not. The rule is that premarital assets must have been always segregated and must remain segregated.

You might want to consult a lawyer, I am worried that even if you do not sell the house, you may find yourself having to give this man money if you divorce him.

A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage. If she was complaining every day, that is a sign he never addressed and resolved her issues. He is what Harley calls a relationship freeloader:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Lady,

Are you doing ok?

AM

No, I'm not. I know that everybody on here thinks it is a terrible idea but I want a relationship with my husband. I miss him terribly.

I am not in a fog, I am thinking clearer than I ever have. I will continue to be guarded and I will continue to work on improving myself and also figure out what I want. But I will also continue to do what I can on my end to restore our relationship.

I know that my husband needs to make some changes and so do I. I will encourage him to do that but I cannot control what he will ultimately do. But for my peace of mind, I have to do this my way.

I know that most of you, if not all of you will not agree with me. I would still like to come here and post. But if you would like me not to, then I will abide by your wishes.

RH, you're peace of mind of course is important. What does doing this your way mean? I think the folks here can help you reason through a plan that keeps you protected and ensures that the marriage you are working to reconcile is one that is healthy for you and your family too.

"Doing it my way" means that I will continue to talk to him whenever we both want to talk. I will continue to make the conversations as fun, interesting, and informative as possible.

I have been telling family and friends too much of our business. I decided that had to stop because if we do reconcile, then they will mostly remember the bad things.

I am going to reduce the clutter around the house and have my adult children remove things that they have been storing at my house for a very, long time. This was a source of irritation for my husband.

And last but not least, I fully intend to see him in person sometime in the next 3 weeks. I intend to visit him in Texas if he wants to see me.

I really like the idea of clearing the house, because whether you live there or sell it, that will be a huge benefit to you. And it gives your kids the opportunity to become more autonomous, a win-win

Please keep us posted

Being in the fog and being in love are essentially the same thing. We are all in the fog when it comes to the people we love. It is important to understand this, because as long as you are in love with your husband, it is impossible for you to make completely objective choices. You need to appreciate the nature of this bias and not fool yourself into thinking that your decisions are all 100% rational.

I understand what you are saying Mr. Eureka and I know that I am prone to make emotional decisions.

I also know that I am not willing to allow him back into my home until I see changes over a length of time.

I want to see him and I know that he might use the fact that I would not allow him to come home to stay while he got the rest of his belongings as a reason for me to not come and see him.

Something along the lines of "If you weren't prepared to see me because you did not want to experience the pain of me leaving again, then why would you want to see me now."

My response would probably be that I wouldn't have to see him walk away from me if I was there for a visit.

I asked hubby about coming to see him. He said I should rethink that it has not even been a week since I didn't want him to come here. I responded with I would not have to see him walk away.

During our conversation he was talking about missing me. I told him the ball is in his court. He said after he gets his own place because his kids are upset about how he was treated by my kids.

He also said that his daughter had called his son while he was still in Indiana and demanded that he come and get my hubby because she was concerned about him. She didn't think my hubby was lucid. He also said that they are still coming to grips with the fact that he is old and not as physically able to get around as he used to be.

Are they people who overreact and judge little things as major? Or are they reasonable people who are not blinded by the fog of romantic love?

Who are more objective than you are.

I'm not saying your plan to do it your way is unworkable. Freeloaders can choose to try harder. You must realise it's out of your control though. Only he can do it, and he never has. He has abandoned every woman for easier pickings.

If I was planning to get my H to do such a huge personality makeover, I'd seek Dr H's advice on the way to go about it.

My fear is your bar is still too low. You're not willing to cut him loose and he will smell that.

You should consider writing to the radio show. I've done this twice, and it is painless. Write to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and explain your problem. Remember to include your phone number and address. Not only can you get free help from Dr. Harley directly, but you will get a complementary book that addresses your situation.

I would not even know where to start in explaining my situation Dr. H.

I just got off the phone with my mother-in-law. She said her and her husband had only seen my hubby once since he had been in Texas.

She also finally said he treats you like chit. I told her I was surprised to hear her say that because he was usually on his best behavior in front of them. She said if that is his best behavior then it is no wonder the kids hate him and that frankly she was surprised that one of my kids had not whooped him for how he treats me.

It shocked me because I didn't know she had ever seen anything. She said there had been a running joke in the family in regards to my hubby for years...that he never has a relationship that lasts longer than 7 years.

She said she does not know how he gets women. She said her best advice to me was to forget about him because he will never change. She also said do I want to hurt for a little while or the rest of my life.

She said if I come to Texas that he will manage to take all my money again and ruin my relationship with my kids. She said that she knows I care about him but sometimes you just need to let someone go.

She said I know this is not what you want to hear.

I told her I appreciate what she had to say because I know she loves him and that she knows both of us. I told her that everybody here hates him and only hears my side of the story so I felt she was unbiased.

She said she didn't know if she was unbiased because she does not like how he treats me and the kids. She also asked if I could blame my kids for hating him...just the things he does to you is enough to make the kids mad.

Just stick to the main points and your main concerns when emailing the show; try not to make it terribly long.

I've heard on the radio show that Joyce will read through the email and then give it to Dr. Harley with her notes. If you send your phone number, you might be able to have a discussion with him on the radio. They seem to make it very easy for people to do that, since they are such great conversationalists.

Getting Dr. Harley's perspective on your situation would be very helpful.