Wife cheated - Can�t get over insecurities.

I�ll try to make this quick and to the point

About a year ago my wife of 7 years told me she cheated on me, with her best friend of 20 years, who is a female.

She said there was kissing, groping and manual stimulating, she said there was no oral sex. I was crushed. I like many others, never thought my wife would do something like this. After a few days, I decided to �forgive� and move on. I never told her to stop talking to the friend, as I don�t think that would be the correct way to handle the situation. But ever since, I am so insecure. Any time she goes out my mind wanders. Anytime she is hanging out with her friend or talking/texting to her, my mind wanders. She has promised me she only wants me etc.. I believe her, but in the back of my mind I can�t stop thinking that maybe it will happen again. I then blame myself for it happening. Maybe if I was giving her more attention, maybe if I was a better lover, maybe I don�t turn her on anymore. When we are out and if I see her look somewhere I wonder if she is looking at another man or woman sexually. She swears it was a mistake and wouldn't happen again and doesn't want sexually relationship with a woman, I believe her but there is always that doubt.

So my questions are -
I know it�s not healthy for me to have these thoughts, but is it normal after so much time has passed? I was so secure with my wife before this. And did I make the right choice by continuing to be okay with her being friends with the other woman or should I have put an end to that relationship? I feel as if it was a
Male I absolutely would have made then end their friendship.

I feel it's too late to make her stop the friendship now and these are concerns I should have handled better at the time of the indicident. But at that time I honestly thought allowing them to be friends was the best way to go about it. The friend never said anything to me, but my wife made it seem the friend was more concerned about their friendship ending when my wife told her that she told me about the incident than the fact she might have helped ruin a marriage (yes in the end it's my wife's fault not hers)

So any tips to get past this? The marriage was pretty rocky for a bit, but I finally feel like we are getting back to where we were before. So it's kind of hard to go back and open these doors. I'm thinking if it's now just something I need to get over and power through. I've discussed this with my wife multiple times, heartfelt talks, out of anger all the options. Ij the end, if she wants to cheat, me talking to her yet again wouldn't change that. She knows I was hurt, knows my feelings and has worked to make or marriage better. So maybe it's on me now to try and truly forgive her.

Any help would be appreciated.

Jayson,

All association with the affair partner has to end, facebook, email, texts, all gifts and photos thrown out.

The other womans husband, OWH, has to be informed. Is the OW a co-worker? Exposure of the OW will put an end to the friendship which needs to happen.

You need to get a polygraph for your WW if she says it was not oral it was, waywards minimize.

The affair continues as an emotional affair even now every time they meet or communicate.

God Bless
Gamma

Jayson, welcome to MB.

Have you read the materials here? The very, very first step is no contact with the lover.

Talking about forgiveness and how you feel while the affair partners still have open doors with each other is like talking about new curtains while the house is on fire.

If they've been in contact all this while I can guarantee you the A cpntinued. Your wife might be the loveliest and most honest person in the world in OTHER matters, but in this matter she has no judgement. She came clean with you and that was THE opportunity to get her away from this thing she has no control over. She mindlessly climbed into bed with this woman without any control over her actions.

She still has no control.

Did you ever expose the affair? Have you snooped to verify what their contact consists of and that the affair is not ongoing?

Pleeeeaaase don't tell me they are still close friends. If she is getting major needs met from you and minor needs met from the friend, they will now be more in love than before and the affair is very likely more entrenched than it used to be.

You can 'want' to forgive all you want but you know in your gut you won't be able to. Your gut does not like this situation you have put yourself in. You are in a very dangerous position because you haven't done anything to ensure the end of the A.

They are still friends. Talk/text. Go out sometimes and I've been around the friend as well.

It was a one time thing. They messed around in a car. She said the friend leaned over and kissed it and it didn't stop until the friends boyfriend kept calling her friend. So no telling what would happened. Wife said her and the friend were worried it might end their friendship. Friend never apologized or brought it up.

I've snooped as well as I could and have not found anything. I have no reason to believe it still happens. They could hang out a lot more if they wanted and it's rare they see each other.

I just don't know about having them end their friendship especially since it's been a year and a half later.


Any thoughts on getting over these insecurities? Is it to the point where I've talked about it with my wife multiple times, she is very remorseful and I now just have to get through it? Talking again probably isn't going to change anything. I feel like it's something I just need to power through now.

The very first thing that needs to happen in any affair is no contact for life with the former affair partner. It doesn't matter how long or how short the affair. No contact for life will go a long way in making you feel more secure.

The second step is exposure of the affair. Dr. Harley recommends exposure even AFTER the affair is over; he would recommend you tell your family and very closest of friends. It will help you because you will have some emotional support during one of the most painful experiences of your life. AND it will help her, because she will be held accountable. She will see what she did through the eyes of others.

The final part is what Dr. Harley calls Just Compensation: after No Contact and exposure, the couple works together on building the marriage into one that is better than it was before the affair.

Through these steps, your wife will EARN your forgiveness. You will both be much happier and more secure in your marriage. When your present is wonderful, the resentment of the past will fade.

Once you have had all your questions answered and the light is shed on the tragedy of the affair, you and she should never discuss the affair again. Never. The reason is because it brings the sadness of past into the present. It's one of the enemies of good conversation.

Don't talk about her affair anymore.

Make sure you and she both institute extraordinary precautions to prevent either of you from having an affair. The people who think they could never have an affair are the very ones who don't bother to protect themselves or their spouse.

Share all your passwords, phones

Spend all your leisure time together doing things that you both enjoy. A good marriage needs about 15 hours each week of UA time to be great. A marriage that has suffered an affair needs more - 20 at the minimum.

Is something wrong with me not wanting them to end their friendship?

Jayson,

The other womans boyfriend needs to be told immediately. How close does this OW live to you?

God Bless
Gamma

The friendship with the affair partner must end. This will help you feel more secure. You're looking at this emotionally; we're looking at this logically, without emotion. We can see that the first problem is that the affair partner needs to be out of your life and out of your wife's life.

Here's an excerpt from Dr. Harley's excellent book on surviving an affair:


Dr. Harley has had 40 years of experience helping thousands and thousands of couples survive affairs, including same-sex affairs. Everything we are telling you is what Dr. Harley would tell you. The reason our marriages recovered is because we followed his advice. If we had done what our emotions had told us, we would not have recovered.

Your marriage is not recovered. The affair has been swept under the rug. That's not the way to recover from an affair.

Jayson,

Is something wrong with me not wanting them to end their friendship?

No something wrong, but just a huge mistake so many people make. Because communication is so easy now they stay in touch with ex girlfriends/wives/etc and the romance reignites when they no longer feel loved by their significant other.

God Bless
Gamma

Please read. How to Survive an Affair

Jayson,

I am a lesbian and was with the same woman for 25 years (she is currently having an affair and moved out a year ago to be with the OW).

About 10 years ago I developed a very strong emotional relationship with a married neighbor (female) that was well on its way to getting out of hand. We exchanged one kiss and then I felt like I was run over by a Mack truck (she did too).

I realized I could no longer have ANY type of relationship with this woman and cut it off immediately and swiftly (because I wanted to remain in my primary relationship). We actually ended up moving a year later and I have NEVER seen or talked to that woman again.

I can tell you for CERTAIN that it would have been very difficult if not impossible to keep my emotions in check if I continued to have contact with her. I did go through a withdrawal period and that was difficult. I am convinced if I did not cut off all contact with her that I would continue to struggle with my emotions surrounding her.

What is more important to you, your wife's friendship with her "friend" or your marriage? Sadly, I don't think both are possible, she won't be able to maintain boundaries with her friend and you will NEVER feel safe and secure as long as she is still in contact with that woman.

The worst part is, you didn't create the situation, but you feel obligated to fix it. I know the feeling. I "let" my WW stay in contact with the OW for a long time before I finally put my foot down and said stop contacting her or leave. She chose to leave instead of stopping contact.

I was afraid that was going to be her choice so for many, many months I did not stand up for myself. I can tell you that that was a truly awful time and I feel better about myself now that she is gone and I don't have to compromise my values just to please her. It took a long time getting to that place (and a lot of help), but I did.

Try to live your life by your values. If you don't mind sharing your wife with someone else, remaining friends with the other woman is fine. If you want a loving, committed, intimate, monogamous relationship with your wife, the other woman must go.

Loyal - Is it always that black and white? Her friend and my wife could have messed around multiple times before I knew them and during our marriage. Couldn't it truly be just a mistake and there isn't any intentions that either of them want to do anything physical again. I don't want to end their friendship, but yes, when they hang out I do sometimes wander if things are going on. Plus, if there truly is something there, now allowing their friendship wouldn't stop them for continuing.

I just don't know what to do.


I've brought up or issues multiple times and we have talked about them. I just think doing that is beating a dead horse and maybe I need to get through the issues in my head now.

Jayson, ALL affairs are mistakes that most people don't think they will ever do. So they don't protect themselves from affairs and wind up having one.

The very first thing that needs to happen here is for your wife to write a letter of No Contact with the woman she had the affair with. As long as they are in contact, your marriage will not recover.

Why are you intent on keeping the friendship going?

Do you realize that her presence in your lives will be an ever-present reminder of the affair?

You have every reason to expect it to happen again.

Do you understand the lovebank? If people have the potential to be attractive to us, and we spend a lot of time around them making lovebank deposits of affection, converstion etc, then love (and sex) is the result. Even if they never have sex again, their friendship could turn into an emotional love that makes yours and her love pale.

You know there's a potential between them and you know they make deposits. It's only a matter of time before the match lands on the tinder once more.



I think it is a bit strange, yes and I struggle to believe you. This woman has turned your marriage upside down and you are OK with the risk being in constant contact?
Or is it simply that you don't feel you can ask it of them?



It's not insecurity - it's experience. You know what the risks are, what is capable of happening and you don't like it. Naturally.


You can't 'power through' this and you can't talk it out. In fact Dr H tells a couple in true recovery to NEVER discuss the A!

If you had closed and locked and bolted the gates from risks, there wouldn't be any risks and you wouldn't fear them or need to talk about them. You'd feel safe and would focus on the future.

Your natural fears and talking this out to death will kill your marriage. Then, when she has another A (as she is now more at risk) you will not recover from it.

it is massively thoughtless and insenstive of your wife to continue to inflict this woman, and all she represents on your life.

We KNOW how painful an affair is. It is not possible to 'power through' it when the person who did this to you is still around and your spouse is not remorseful enough to do anything about it.

Remorseful spouses have given up careers and moved states to avoid contact. That's how serious they were about saving their betrayed spouse continued pain.

The belief that you can have affairs with friends and then go back to being just friends is fantasy. As long as affair partners are in contact, the affair continues. Why would you want to facilitate this relationship? Look at what it is doing to you. Your anxiety is the direct consequence of allowing continuing contact.

A married couple should protect their marriage and their spouses feelings above and beyond any outsiders.

By her continuing her "Friendship" after having both sexual and emotionally connected, this person will Always be a threat to your feelings and therefore, your marriage.

If you decide to study the MB principles of marriage together eventually, you will learn about the POJA, Policy Of Joint Agreement and neither spouse should ever do anything without the Enthusiastic Agreement of the other spouse. They BOTH protect each others feelings.

That is further down the road though.

Now, the affair must be exposed for what it is to whomever could be an influential person in each of their lives.

Then, a NC, No Contact Letter should be sent off to the OW and abided with.

This friendship is NOT healthy for you or your marriage.

LTL

Jayson, it seems you are looking for reasons to allow your wife to stay friends with her "friend". I totally get that. That is a normal reaction, especially since you appear not to want to chance losing your wife.

If you have brought up the issue multiple times, it is a huge deal to you (otherwise you would stop bringing it up and be fine with it).

I don't believe there is anything such as a "mistake". She felt a connection to this woman and it feels good. Affairs typically start out that way (friends spending lots of time together meeting each other's most important needs) and progress from there. She gets addicted to the "high" she feels when around this woman which clouds her judgment when it comes to your relationship.

She will try to explain it away, say she can handle it, or worse, will say she will stop contacting her just to appease you, but then take their relationship deeper under ground.

You can't make her end their relationship. That is HER decision. You can express your concern, let her know what you want, establish your boundaries, enforce your boundaries and then live your life accordingly. She gets to decide if she wants to live a life with you under those circumstances or she can choose to make other decisions. Either way, that will be the very best thing to happen.

The worst thing you can do is to continue to stay in a marriage and limp along. It is not better to stay married to someone who is not committed to your relationship and unwilling to meet your needs. You truly would be better off alone. I speak from experience.

You only know what she has told you and I would be VERY skeptical of her version of the truth. My WW told me she was "just friends" with the other woman over and over again (I think she was trying to convince herself). I wanted to believe her so I chose to remain ignorant. My sister-in-law finally said to me one day, "you know they have done more than just kiss, right"?

Women in general develop very strong emotional bonds with anyone who will fulfill their most important emotional needs. Affection, intimate conversation, and sexual fulfillment tend to be the top 3 needs. If her friend is meeting these needs most of the time, it is natural for them to develop a very strong emotional (physical) bond.

You want to be the one meeting those needs for your wife, but she won't let you as long as someone else is waiting in the wings. That relationship will need to end in order for your marriage to have a chance.

Of course, I can't be sure in your case. My opinion is based on Dr. Harley's teachings and my personal experience. There are always exceptions to the rule and perhaps your wife can maintain a health relationship with her friend and your marriage can thrive. Trust your gut.