Ok

Would you like some help?

I'm ok. Thanks. Like I said, I'm sure there is great advice to be had here, but I just don't have the energy to filter through the bad advice. Thanks anyway.

Its interesting how you are so quick to judge what you don't understand. You have messed up your marriage and we have saved ours, after all. So, if you are serious about solving your marriage problems, you will have to take the cotton out your ears and put it in your mouth and start listening. If you can't listen, you can't be helped, Sir.

I wish you the best.

How would you know the difference since you have no earthly idea how to save a marriage?

Ok It's probably best that we focus our time and energy elsewhere then.

Let us know if you would like help getting that anger/aggressiveness under control. Many here have been successful at using Dr. Harley's methods. Your marriage has no hope unless you do.

Sure, I'd love some help, but I will be seeking it elsewhere. You don't really have enough context or information to make such broad judgments such as "I have an anger problem" or that "my wife is most likely having an affair." I'm sure you have all bonded over a common application of the techniques offered by the founder of this site, but that does not qualify you as therapists, nor does it give you the authority to make such judgmental statements.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley? It's free.

Promuse,

I want you to understand we are all here to help. Dr. H�s program has proven for decades according to a few different publications to be the most affective program in helping people save and protect their marriages. We have all been helped and have seen people like you helped by following his program, so we have first hand knowledge of its success.

We cannot say it will help but it is a greater chance of doing so then not. We are not jumping to judgments we all took the time to read and re-read your post and let you know what can help. You are not the first person to disagree but a lot of the people that disagree with us come back and tell us we were right, so we are confident that we are pointing you in the right direction.

From your post and not speaking to your wife it sound like she is a woman that has and is able to connect with you, and until recently was willing to connect. Even though she has a lot of past history she seems from your post like a woman still able to connect with people.

A lot of people on this site has gone through the same or worse history then your wife and is trying to give you their insight. We have found time and time again that people that are alive and want to connect tense to connect with people. If your wife is not connecting with you then she is likely connecting with someone else. Sometimes the feeling is so strong that women that are heterosexual will find themselves in romantic relationships with other women.

No one is saying that is a certainty just a likelihood that you should snoop to rule out or rule in. If she has not connected with you for a year and she is not connecting with anyone else, then what does that leave? It leaves you with a psychopath, which I don�t get the impression from your post that is the case. If that is the case then you cannot expect your relationship to get better then it is right now. And, if you are ok with that, (which I get the impression you are not,) then just settle in.

If your wife is in fact having an affair no matter how great you are, you will never be able to compare to the person she is having the affair with. If you find out that she is having an affair then you have a chance to save your marriage because affairs die in the light and with the affair gone it may give you a chance to be seen and get help, unless of course she turns to yet another person.

Promuse,

BTW there is nothing judgmental about saying your W is likely having an affair. Having an affair is something all of us seem to be wired to do, given the right circumstances and poorly protected boundaries it can happen to anyone.

The thought that "so and so will never do that" has been repeated here so many times it is practically a cliche.

It's also that people who are having an affair act in much the same ways.

* they tell their spouse "I love you but am not in love with you"

* they try to separate from their spouse who is an obstacle to their affair.

* the betrayed spouse find tons of communication with an "unknown" telephone number, email, facebook friend, etc.

* the betrayed spouse is in a willing state of denial about what is going on.

God Bless
Gamma

Best wishes!

You *told* us you have an anger problem.

For the life of me, I can't figure out what sort of help you can be looking for. I hope you find it, but I think it unlikely. You are choosing to turn your back on the best help there is.

I want to apologize to everyone for over-reacting when it was put forth that my wife might be having an affair. It really hit me in the gut. I am pretty positive she is not having a physical affair, but who knows... She confides in her girlfriends, and tells them one-sided narratives. Is that an affair? Maybe? She dragged me through the dirt with one of her 'friends' and then that friend confided in me that she was close to divorce with her husband and put it out there that she was willing to hook up. (I told my wife right away, and she automatically ended that friendship...) So when I say "affair" what I mean is I am pretty confident she is not sleeping with someone else. If we were to define "affair" as confiding in another person, (woman or man) than that might be a possibility? I also will not rule out a possible same-sex attraction. Maybe she is sleeping with one of her girlfriends? Who knows?? I will concede to that. Human sexuality is a complex thing and I won't rule out that perhaps she may be seeing one of her girlfriends. I just know in my gut that she is not seeing another man. I don't want to sound like a narcissist, but I am a very physically tall, muscular, fit, and healthy man. I am considered very attractive/desirable. I also earn a lot of money, so I am now considering the possibility that she might have been attracted to me for the purposes of just having kids knowing that I am a healthy mating partner, and a good earner. Once the kids came (which was 3 months in...) our relationship dived. I think she might be attracted to women. Again, I don't want to sound like some alpha-male jerk, but I just don't see her hooking up with another guy... I could see her cheating on me with another woman before another man. It's just not her style. Trust me on this. I am willing to hear opinions, and I will try not to react so personally, though that is tough given how personal of a problem this is. I have struggled for over a year. I can't snoop. Wouldn't know how. I used to go through her e-mails and texts, and erase files. I violated that trust big time, and as a result of that (years ago) she has put passwords on all of her devices. I asked her a few days ago if she would take down the passwords and she said she would consider it...

Now the real problem as I see it is this: every couple is going to hurt each other. That simply cannot be avoided. My problem is when I hurt my spouse, she detaches emotionally, for months at a time. She doesn't just do it with me, I've seen her do it with other people in her life. (her sister, my Mother) i.e. basically anyone who can hurt her. I know couples who get in fights, and it's resolved tops 2 days. In my situation a fight can result in up to 2 months of extreme detachment. Now obviously my propensity to overreact is a major cause of stress, but despite what people in this discussion have concluded (and this is a text based forum of interaction) I don't lose control. Yes I get mad, but I keep it under control. Both my wife and our counsellor have acknowledged that there have been tremendous changes on my side, and I believe that had I not implemented these changes, I wouldn't be married today. In short, I'm not sure what more I can do. I give my wife all the space she asks for, I work daily on managing my emotions so as to keep the house as stress-free as possible, and I help out with the kids/chores as much as I can. I am the sole earner, and I make more than enough. I believe my wife has deep-seated issues which make it virtually impossible to forgive. Forgiveness means connection. For her, severing a connection is easier than forgiving. As I see it, I can live like a martyr and hope she does some kind of personal therapy to get at the root of her propensity to choose detachment over forgiveness, or I can leave. Call it Catholic guilt, or an unwillingness to let my innocent children pay for our unresolved issues, bailing on my family is simply not an option. Yes, I agree that it's possible to be a great single Dad, I just don't want to be. My wife has her issues, but she is an AMAZING mother, and despite our total lack of emotional connection, we manage to get it done as parents. Our kids are doing great, and neither of us want to screw that up. We are both afraid, sad, and feeling desperate. She doesn't want to continue couples counselling. Whew! What a rant!!

MB contains a wealth of information that can help you sort things out. You should probably start by reading the book "Love Busters", followed by the book "His Needs, Her Needs". "Love Busters" will teach you how to avoid hurting each other, and "His Needs, Her Needs" will teach you how to build a foundation of romantic love in your marriage.

We are here to walk you through all of this. Many of us have been were you are. This forum is all about learning to apply Dr. Harley's principles to build up our marriages. We are all students here.

We are asking you to not trust your gut and trust in facts and evidence. This is why it is critical that you do some sleuthing and find out if she having an affair. Guess work will get you nowhere. Your height and fitness, etc, are not in the least bit relevant. Women don't cheat because their husbands are cute, ugly, etc, but because they have poor boundaries around others.

Find out if there is an affair and then come back and tell us what you find.

And fighting is horrible for marriages. It is unhealthy and always causes some degree of emotional detachment. If a couple fights too long, they fall out of love and grow to hate each other.

OK. I will track down those books and post questions as I read through. Thanks!

And how do I do that? She put up the passwords because I was caught going through her digital devices. She is on the cusp of taking them down which would be a major step forward in terms of rebuilding trust. Sorry, but if she does agree to take them down I am NOT going to destroy that trust again. Please offer an alternative regarding how I acquire information? Are you suggesting hiring a private investigator?

Agreed. I have reduced the tension level in the house, and there has been a marginal improvement in our relations. (marginal = we are not headed in the fast lane towards Divorce anymore, and she said she was willing to take baby steps towards reconnecting.) When I say that my wife is hyper-sensitive, I mean "bomb-defusing" levels of sensitivity are needed to even approach the possibility of re-connecting. I will read the books, hopefully they will provide tips on how I can become more sensitive to her needs.

A good PI will get you the information in no time. Will you hire one?

That is tricky. We are a one bank-account family so she will ask where the money went. Lying to her is not something I am into doing. Are you suggesting that I take the money, hire a PI and then lie to her when she asks what I spent the money on?

You need to figure it out. Perhaps a keylogger, voice activated recorder, GPS. Go check out the Operation Investigate forum and find the most effective manner based on her habits. It is not untrustworthy to snoop on your spouse, it is untrustworthy to hide things from your spouse.

There is nothing trustworthy about password protecting all of your electronic devices so your spouse cannot look. You have a RIGHT to know every thing she does and says since it affects your life.