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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Melody Lane...I communicate this stuff really clearly. I don't know what else to do.

Every time he gropes me I tell him I don't like it. I tell him what I would prefer. He's a creature of habit.

I was addressing your comment that you "shouldn't" feel like that, though. Habits can be changed.

Ah. That sentence was to explain what he thinks. I am okay with disliking his groping etc. It really bothers him that I can know he means well and still dislike it so strongly. Sorry I was confusing!

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My husband told me once he had an "emotional need to grope!" rotflmao


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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LOL. Did you tell him you had an emotional need to yell at him to stop?


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I believe I told him to keep his mitts off the merchandise!! grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hello all,
I need to address this groping issue with my husband. MB teaches that HOW we say something matters and I want to make a thoughtful request. The groping happened yesterday. I think maybe I should be saying something in the moment and not waiting so I will take advice on exactly what to say in the moment also. But, what do I say today?

"you groped me yesterday, please don't do that anymore" or
"I really didn't like it when you groped me yesterday and I have been upset about it"
"we had such a nice date last night, but it was ruined for me by the groping"

My husband would really like to "earn" the right to grope. But that is a DJ on my part because for all I know he will respond really well to my complaint/thoughtful request.

This isn't our only problem but I struggle with how to communicate about it because it hurts his feelings so so much. SF is a huge issue for us and it is made much worse by the fact that "he can't do what comes naturally"

Thank you for the help smile I don't ask too many questions because by reading here and listening to MB radio I can "hear" the answers to so many of my questions without even asking them!

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He is still groping you even when you've told him "I don't like it when you grope me" or "it bothers me when you grope me"?

Have you emailed Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
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"It bothers me when you grope me." Be sure to stay away from all value judgements that would make it sound like what he did was wrong. Stick to "It bothers me."


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This isn't our only problem but I struggle with how to communicate about it because it hurts his feelings so so much. SF is a huge issue for us and it is made much worse by the fact that "he can't do what comes naturally"
Have the two of you talked about what you WOULD enjoy sexually?


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Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Melody Lane...I communicate this stuff really clearly. I don't know what else to do.

Every time he gropes me I tell him I don't like it. I tell him what I would prefer. He's a creature of habit.

I was addressing your comment that you "shouldn't" feel like that, though. Habits can be changed.

Ah. That sentence was to explain what he thinks. I am okay with disliking his groping etc. It really bothers him that I can know he means well and still dislike it so strongly. Sorry I was confusing!


It should bother him more that he purposefully does things you dislike without regard for you.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Melody Lane...I communicate this stuff really clearly. I don't know what else to do.

Every time he gropes me I tell him I don't like it. I tell him what I would prefer. He's a creature of habit.

I was addressing your comment that you "shouldn't" feel like that, though. Habits can be changed.

Ah. That sentence was to explain what he thinks. I am okay with disliking his groping etc. It really bothers him that I can know he means well and still dislike it so strongly. Sorry I was confusing!


It should bother him more that he purposefully does things you dislike without regard for you.

Isn't it a DJ for me to think he SHOULD think or feel something?
It bothers me, that's for sure. Also, I can't control him and I'm the only one here so...I need help figuring out how to approach him.

He shows so much care and regard for me in the rest of our marriage/life that it really really complicates this issue...

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I told him. I felt super anxious. He said "okay, I understand"
I can only control myself and I don't do the best job at making thoughtful requests...

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
This isn't our only problem but I struggle with how to communicate about it because it hurts his feelings so so much. SF is a huge issue for us and it is made much worse by the fact that "he can't do what comes naturally"
Have the two of you talked about what you WOULD enjoy sexually?

Can you answer this?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
This isn't our only problem but I struggle with how to communicate about it because it hurts his feelings so so much. SF is a huge issue for us and it is made much worse by the fact that "he can't do what comes naturally"
Have the two of you talked about what you WOULD enjoy sexually?

Can you answer this?

Yes, we have. It's been slow going. New habits/change/mindfulness are a huge challenge for us.

We get our 15+ hours of UA plus we spend all our non-work time together.

Last edited by coffeegirl; 06/22/14 06:07 PM.
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In general,

Women need to feel intimate to want sex.
Men need sex to feel intimate.

How to break that chicken and egg cycle?

One thing that might be happening is that your DH's Love Bank isn't filled enough to feel in love. So he is semi-trying to do things for your Love Bank, but since he isn't feeling in love it is harder for him to want to do these things.

You should make your own decisions about SF, but consider that SF is one of his biggest emotional needs as well.

Last edited by wannabophim; 07/03/14 07:48 AM.
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Originally Posted by wannabophim
Men need sex to feel intimate.
If that were true, it would be impossible for men to have emotional affairs.

The need for intimacy in sex is less for men. Sex for men is more of a craving than it is for women. For both men and women, it is impossible to have truly fulfilling SF without intimacy.


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My husband feels intimate when we have conversation and RC.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi guys!
So on another thread I read Markos' list of sneaky ways we could be lovebusting. Pretty sure I'm doing some of them smile I'm going to double down my efforts to eliminate all LBs.

Recently my H planned something without my enthusiastic agreement. He badgered me into it and got my reluctant agreement. (Is saying he badgered me an LB?) a text this morning confirmed that he knew I wasn't enthusiastic.

H has a history of IB, some of which has been devastating to me and I'm not recovered from. From what I understand of MB, I can't recover until he stops doing it AND It will fade once it's no longer happening and we have a great marriage.

My H is very on board with improving our marriage, wants me to be happy and is really really stressed when I'm unhappy. Is it a sneaky LB to say that?

Anyway, this recent IB, that is partly my fault, is causing massive love bank withdrawals. I feel sad and depressed. How do I ACT around him that isn't LBing?

Is it okay to act sad? I read that it's an LB to say I feel disregarded?

Now we both know he's knowingly engaging in IB. Do I just move on? He seems to be (LB??) accepting the love bank withdrawals for now.

We have dates constantly. I know it's important to be pleasant on dates. I was so bummed yesterday about this IB as well as the lack of affection and IC on our date the previous night that I acted really down yesterday and I told him I was feeling really sad and unhappy. He acts really caring and not indifferent.

I feel like I'm going nuts. I want to conduct myself properly.

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Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Anyway, this recent IB, that is partly my fault, is causing massive love bank withdrawals. I feel sad and depressed.

CG, for starters, I think you need to tell him you were bothered by his plans. If the plans are for an event yet future, tell him you have thought more about it, realized you are unenthusiastic/bothered, and are going to decline to participate.

This approach stops the love bank withdrawals immediately.

Radical honesty!

Once your husband has been explicitly informed about your feelings (don't rely on assuming you know what he knows, he knows what you feel, etc.) and has indicated that he is committed to not doing anything that you are reluctant about, then you can make plans for something else that you WOULD be enthusiastic about. That will turn out to be the solution to you feeling sad.

Now, on the other hand, if he will not commit to avoiding actions you are reluctant about, you have a very serious problem in your marriage that is not going to be fixed by you simply becoming more respectful.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We just had lunch and chatted about a recent IB. He simply said it was something he really wanted to do and he was okay with doing it despite my not being enthusiastic. The IB that is bothering me right now is a future event that does not involve me. He's not planning to change his plans. His plans involve a lot of other people.

So, yes, our marriage is in trouble. I have no idea how to ACT or what to say. That is what I need help with. I know it's an LB to punish him in any way for his IB. My instincts are to threaten or demand. Those are LBs. and they don't work.

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Every day, all day he asks me if I'm okay and if I'm good. Do I just say "no" ??

I know the long-term plan would be to prepare to leave. I just don't know how to act in the mean time...

We spend 25 hours a week together outside the house. (Not all great-quality UA)
We talk several times a day and spend every evening together.

I just don't know what to do day-to-day.

How do you leave someone when you have tiny children and they are better than 99% of husbands out there?

He picked the wrong girl all those years ago. Many women would love my life/marriage.


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