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I would let the divorce happen and be done with this marriage. You have repeatedly cheated on your WW for your entire marriage...I don't see anything worth saving here. That you also don't share children is a good thing. Your WW's affairs are wrong but considering your past I certainly don't blame her for wanting to divorce you.

You have exposed her affairs. I recommend you leave her alone and finalize your divorce.

This does not compute. If you were WH for 6 years, it started as soon as you got married in December 2007.

Sorry. WH for 5 years then.

I understand your point, but I disagree. I did some horrible things for a long time. But I love her and know that I can be a good husband. Those things don't define who I am. We were great before and things went down hill after deployment and father passing at the same time. I have gotten help for my issues and know that I am a changed person. The person that she married.

None of that matters if your wife doesn't want to be married to you anymore. If you had any respect for her, you wouldn't ignore her desire to divorce you. You are still making it all about you and dismissing her choice to end the marriage.

Black_raven has cut straight through to where I was heading.

As she says, you repeatedly cheated on your wife pretty much since the day you got married, and a few months after she caught you, she moved out and dumped you. She now wants a divorce.

You are doing the right thing in exposing her affairs and asking for help, but I must say that the tone you adopted in the letter you sent her was a mistake. In it, you talked self-righteously about not being willing to work on your marriage unless she demonstrated the same willingness. The thing is, when did she ever ask you to work on the marriage? What gives you the right to demand willingness from her? It seems to me that, far from wanting you back, she wants to wash her hands of you as quickly as possible, and I think most people that you expose to will understand why, and support her.

If you want to win your wife back, you need to adopt a Plan A mode and attitude. Now that you have done the exposure part of Plan A, the remainder involves not making any love bank withdrawals, and making love bank deposits wherever you are able. This will be very hard to do with a wife who does not live with you any more. Do you ever see her? Does she ever need to see you, for financial or any other matters? The absence of children makes her need to stay in contact with you all the more redundant. Does she receive financial support from you? Who pays the rent or mortgage on the marital home, and who is paying for where she lives now? Is she making arrangements to sell your house, or take her name off the lease?

Indeed, does she live alone now, or has she moved in with somebody?

The divorce is already filed. I'm just fighting to save the marriage. If she doesn't change it and it is finalized then that is her choice and I will respect that, but I can't just give up on us.

You are right. I didn't even notice that the letter comes off as self righteous. The last thing I want is to be demanding. I want to show her love and affection. I used to see her every once in a while when she came to see the dogs. I'm afraid now that won't happen anymore if i've scared her off. She lives with female roomates. I pay the mortgage and she pays for her room where she is now. No arrangements to sell home.

Should I apologize about coming across as self righteous?

How can you say that you were great "beforehand"? When was "beforehand", exactly?

You committed adultery for 5 out of the 6.5 years of your marriage. When, precisely, was your marriage "great"?

We dated for a long time and had a long engagement and all through that we were inseparable and it was great. Even the marriage started off great. It wasn't always bad during the marriage and there were actually many good times.

Black_raven is right about the way you come across, as if this is all about you. You won't allow her to divorce you because you don't want that.

You did what you wanted for 5 years and now it's still all about you.

What help have you received for your "issues"? What would you describe those issues as being?

But there was always adultery. You were adulterous for 5 out of 5.5 years up to the date she caught you. How is that a good marriage?

Depression from father passing. PTSD from the war.

I have been doing tons of reading. Weekly sessions with counselor. Weekly sessions with church leader.

Depression from father passing and PTSD from that war. I do tonds of reading. Meet with a counselor and my church leader.

When was the last time you saw her?

Before exposure and her anger, when was the last time you had any communication by phone or email (i.e. not in person)?

I know it doesn't seem that way. I always loved her inside and she did make me happy but I turned to adultery and independent behavior for comfort instead of being open and honest with my wife. I made huge mistakes.

Saw her in person last week. She was hugging my and crying and telling me she misses being home.

I spoke with her on the phone shortly last night.

How do you explain the fact that your entire marriage has been plagued with adultery after adultery after adultery? It is not like this was a one time blunder, this was a way of life for you both.

That indicates a worldview that is utterly incompatible with marriage.

What is to stop you from committing adultery AGAIN? Dr Harley would probably tell your wife to divorce you since there is nothing to save here.