I'm in the enviable position of ALMOST fully trusting my H again. However, I have a few lingering doubts as to the veracity of some of his statements. This is why I wanted to put this question to you all:<P>Do you think a fairly naive (as in not very worldly or cunning) man of 26 could stick to a lie under months of heavy interrogation, without his story changing one iota? Is this possible?<P>The reason I ask is because I'm nearly there in terms of believing that he told me the truth. The other parties' (OW, friend of OW)stories have changed considerably, but not my H's. I think he is telling me the truth, but sometimes I feel as though it is possible to keep a lie going into eternity. But taking his age, unworldiness and the heavy interrogation into account, do you all think he could continue to lie, without his story having changed at all, right from the outset?

I think anything is possible. Your H could have talked himself into beleiving the lie is the truth... and then he feels good about himself for thinking he is saying (his) "the" truth. I hope it's not the case though... I think.<P>I'll pray for you and your husband. I hope you find the real truth! I hope it brings you what will make you a better person... and that it will lead to what is in your heart.<P>Truth is meaningless... unless it gives you the peace you need.<P>Any counseling going on?... yes... this doesn't mean he is being honest there either... but sometimes that outside party (if well trained) can bring out those "inner" truths.<P>Jim

My h kept his going for years, with me questioning and questioning and even snooping. I never dreamed he could lie so good! He probably still would be if his friend hadn't felt sorry for me and told me the truth. <BR>The keep it up until their caught, or the guilt gets too much for them. Unfortunately, I don't think my h knows what guilt feels like!<BR>But it sounds as though your h is talking to you about it and if that is so, then don't keep beating him up about it! If he is lying, I assure the truth will come out, one day. I know it's a crummy feeling to think you could rebuild and months or years find out there's still more. But you can't live with that. Believe you me, I know! I had to let that fear go, or I would never have been able to begin rebuilding my marriage. <BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

hey again,<P>I meant to add that, I don't think you should ever fully trust again. I don't mean that negatively, but I will never close my eyes again or be that naive. Even Dr Harley says you shouldn't trust, you should make sure that you are meeting each others needs and don't give the window of opportunity. Do things together, so you know what each other is doing. Don't live in fear, but don't be oblivious. Now we all here know what to look for! It's a hard balance to make!<BR>Take Care<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Thanks for your replies. I don't think he's still lying to me, but the doubt remains. That's what drives me crazy at times -- that it is possible that he is still lying after all we've been through. I know that if I ever find out he has lied all this time, I will feel so cheated and resentful for having worked so hard for nothing.<P>As it stands, I have no way to prove concretely whether he's told me the truth or not. All I know is that his story hasn't shifted even once in 10 months. And all the other stories from OW and OW's friend HAVE changed. <P>Everyone has their own perspective and their own axe to grind...so maybe there is no truth after all.

<BR>Cristalle1,<P>You mentioned that your H's story has never changed, but the OW's story, and the stories of the OW's friends have changed. My question is, *how* have their stories changed? What is their trajectory, so to speak? Have their stories changed to become more consistent with your H's, and/or is there still a wide gap between the stories?<P>People will often retell their past to make themselves look better. I think that this is a very natural thing for people to do. The question is whether such self-serving biases would constitute lies in your eyes.<P>As for truth, of course there is such a thing; unfortunately, because you weren't with your H when the betrayal happened, so you may never know the full story. Meet your H's needs and monopolize his free time. The best defense is a good offense.<P>Bystander

My H's story is very inconsistant. As he says, he lied so much sometimes he has no real memory for what was real and what he concocted. So...will I ever know the "truth"? Nope. My choice at this point is to believe what he says, not in blind trust, but with little checks--that is what keeps my gut knotting the least. <P>Beginning to trust is not a bad thing, lying is. If he is lying he is the one who is in the wrong, not me for believing.<P>Does that make any sense? Well, it works for me and I have reason to trust him at all since we're separated.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Hi Bystander<P>My H's story has always been that it was just a friendship, with no feelings on his side but lots on her side. He has maintained this from the start and is adamant that it in no way resembled an affair. His story has never deviated.<P>On the other hand, I questioned the OW several times and each time her story sounded worse. At first her story more or less corresponded to my H's, with a couple more phone calls and a few more picture exchanges thrown in (they met on the net). He admitted these calls and pictures when I got offline. Since he lied about those details, I kept going back and questioning the OW because I thought she had more to tell me. She in turn would question me as to what my H said about her, and I told her the not very flattering things he said about her. This is when her story began to get more convoluted. She told me that it had gone on longer than I had been told, that there had been a number of jealous arguments, that he had "pursued" her and even asked her to run off with him. I would get offline and grill my H about these statements every time, but he admitted none of them. He said he had initially lied about the calls and pictures because he didn't want to make it look like more than it was. But that none of the "new stuff" OW was telling me was true, and didn't I see that she was only saying these things because she was upset that he had told me things about her? I let it go with a few doubts and no more was said, until OW's friend decided to get in on it with her "story" -- which was that my H had pursued her friend from the start, had begged her to leave her husband and wanted to run off to Paris with her. That her friend had kept this all from me in order to not "incriminate" my H further. <P>H denies all of it. He says they are just a cuople of vindictive girls with too much time on their hands, and that none of the statements are true. <P>So there you have it. The OW and her friend's story have changed considerably over time, gotten worse, and gotten to the point where they no longer bear any resemblance to my H's story. <P>I have no choice but to believe my H, since I can't prove anything (it was all done online and he deleted chat logs and mail LONG before I thought of asking for them).

<BR>Cristalle1,<P>Ouch, I was hoping that the stories were converging, obviously. I don't know what to make of the difference, except that I'd discount anything that the OW's friend said. I don't know what her motives could possibly be - why would she want to avoid "incriminating" your H further? I mean, what would be in it for the OW's friend either way? More likely, she's acting on the OW's behalf, and we can't know the OW's motives either.<P>Sorry to say this, but I think your original synopsis of the situation is right. You're stuck trusting him. I'll say this much, though. Its a lot easier to simply repeat the truth for months on end than it would be to remember which lies you've told when. I don't know if that makes you feel any better, though. <P>Bystander<BR>

Thanks Bystander. It does make me feel a bit better, actually. Surely he would have tripped up by now if he was still lying -- I guess I'm just overly suspicious of everything that comes out of his mouth now.

The Greek have a saying (not that I'm Greek), that translates something like "Liars only reign a year."

All it takes is a good lier. <P>------------------<BR>To Thine Own Self Be True<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ<P>

Hehe. Does that mean I'll get the full truth at the end of January, 2000? ;-)

Viki, I don't think he's THAT good. He's only 26 and pretty naive. Definitely not a master of the game. <P>I've put him through interrogation that would make the Gestapo proud, for many months. He's stuck to his guns. I think it's probably time I laid my doubts to rest and just accepted that he's told the truth, or at least the truth as he sees it.