OK, I will look into this and get back once I know more.

Glad to see you back, Promuse!

Have you checked her online phone records?

You may wonder why we seem obsessed about affairs. The reason is because everything else that we advise to you to help you with your marriage will simply not work if there is an active affair.

Just opening your eyes to the possibility of an affair is a huge step forward, because affair partners are sloppy in covering their tracks, and sooner are later they will mess up. You need to be calm and collected about this. Believe it or not, we can help you get through the entire recovery process without having a single fight with your spouse. Our goal is to recover your marriage. This is going to be hard on you, because you are going to feel quite justified in just letting her have it. That is absolutely the wrong thing to do. Our goal is the end product, a recovered marriage built on romantic love. Getting there is a going to be one of the hardest things you have ever had to do. We are here to guide you. We have been there before.

Yes if you effectively rule it out by snooping thoroughly we can look at whether it is emotional withdrawal.

Unfortunately if she has asked for a separation for no real reason, it very probably is an affair. Women who have other reasons state them clearly and give you an oportunity to fix the problem.

The good news is an affair is always with some loser who does not compare to the BS at all and is easy to break up. It can be easier to bust up an affair than overcome withdrawal due to abuse.

OK, I get now why you are pressing the affair point. To be honest, her asking for the separation was not out of the blue. Now that I hear what you're saying...I almost wish it was an affair, but I know it's withdraw due to abuse. It was almost 6 years of constant fighting, and a complete failure on my part to manage my emotions. I said really horrible things one too many times, and she already came into the marriage with an acute hypersensitivity to emotional hurt/abandonment. It was a perfect storm. I neglected her needs one too many times last year, and I think she snapped and asking for a separation was the only thing that would give her a sense of power and self-respect after years of being treated second. I would never rule out something definitively, but I am 99% sure there is no affair. We are both emotionally separated, and we are both guilty of venting too much to outside sources, so I guess we are both having affairs of sort.

The good news is this: I have really stepped it up in the last 5-6 months in terms of managing my emotions, avoiding being critical/mean/reactive, and putting her first. Like I said, she would have been out the door last year if not for the work I've done. I think the first step is for both of us to agree to not talking to other people about our problems, which seems hypocritical given that I am posting our issues on a public forum, but I guess there is anonymity. So to conclude, if I had to bet everything I owned, I know the answer is: withdraw from emotional abuse as opposed to an affair. If there is some type of affair, it would be her spilling all of her pain out to her circle of friends, very few of whom are in happy marriages, or are married at all. Several are going through the process of divorce, and one of which left her husband and kids for another man. Plain and simple: my wife does not trust me with the protection of her emotional well being.

If she was having a full-blown affair, she would seem happy, be dressing sexy, going out...none of that is present. She is super sad. If I were getting laid by someone who was interested in me, and made me feel good, I wouldn't be walking around in a terribly sad funk. We are both sad; we are both withdrawn. I know it sounds as if I am the cause of all of our problems, but it's more complicated than that. I've never met anyone in my life who can emotionally detach more quickly, efficiently, and without empathy better than my wife. The abuse and hurt I brought into the marriage aside, I am genuinely concerned about her ability to detach so quickly-specifically as it pertains to our children. I've seen her sort of withdraw with our 5 year old, and my heart races when I see it happening. I know I need to help her sort this out, because it's only going to get worse as our kids get older, regardless of whether or not we stay together or split.

It is entirely possible that she is withdrawn from abuse. HOWEVER, you still need to verify that there is no affair.

Markos was very abusive to me. I withdrew from his abuse ... and went straight into an affair. Just because you have been abusive doesn't mean she isn't looking for comfort from another man.

Snoop. Verify. Your next course of action greatly depends upon if there is an affair or not. You need to KNOW, not just be pretty sure.

OK. I will get to work on verifying. What are we defining as 'affair?' Emotional? Physical? Please be specific, as that will help me to determine if one is taking place. Thanks.

"If she was having a full-blown affair, she would seem happy, be dressing sexy, going out...none of that is present. She is super sad. If I were getting laid by someone who was interested in me, and made me feel good, I wouldn't be walking around in a terribly sad funk. "

You just described someone who is in an affair: super sad. Depression is the RULE. But you don't know this because you have no experience at this.

Please stop guessing and speculating and find out the truth so we can help you resolve he problem.

An affair is a romantic relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Sometimes they have reached the sexual stage and sometimes not.

Ok, she is constantly on facebook. She has passwords on all of the computers because she caught me snooping in the past. I fluked out and guessed her password. Took an exhaustive look through her facebook and..................nothing. There is a guy who I suspect, and I have access to all of the phone information as I am the primary account holder, I know the guys phone number. Called the cell provider and ran a search on the guys number............nothing. I just spoke with a PI and he quoted me at $1600. We have two small kids and are constantly at home. When we do go out, it's for brief amounts of time. There is nothing so far to suggest any affair. I am hesitant to drop $1600. Is this enough 'snooping' to rule out what I already suspect (i.e. no affair) or do I need to go full tilt and drop $1600?

Well, if she is password protecting her computers, that means she has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Can you get a keylogger on there? What about her cell phone? Have you been through that? I would take a deeper look at the phone bill and see what other #s show up.

Another way to find out is installing a VAR in the room she makes phone calls.

When does she go out? And what time do you leave?

Aren't you separated? Didn't you move out?

MelodyLane,

I really appreciate you pushing me as hard as you are to make sure there is no affair going on, but there is no affair. She put the passwords on the phones/computers years ago because I had a chronic habit of going through her texts/emails, and deleting videos she had taken of me when I was angry. I once reset her password, and then couldn't remember it, and she had to take it into a service centre to get it reset. I have been back in the house for some time now, and like I've said, I've gone through the phone bills, done searches on specific numbers I think could be possible potentials, and gone through her entire facebook account. I have been unable to locate even the slightest bit of evidence to suggest any affair whatsoever. I am a pretty paranoid guy, so if I thought there was a potential, I would pursue it. She goes to a fitness centre for 3 hours each morning, and then is with the kids for the rest of the day/night. When she does go out, she goes out with girlfriends, usually to one of their houses, or to a restaurant/bar.

At this point I need help with re-connecting. If anyone would like to offer help/suggestions BEYOND snooping to confirm an affair, please post.

Yes. Was out of the house from Sept-Nov. Have been back since Dec.

We need to stick to ruling out an affair FIRST. I don't know how you can say you are "99% sure there is no affair" when you don't have access to her computer or her phone.


Which is ample time and opportunity to have an affair.

We want to help you, but you need to rule this out first. Otherwise we will all be wasting a lot of valuable time giving you the wrong advice. That will be a waste of our time and yours.

Promuse,

One of the reasons everyone is so adamant about the affair is that an affair is so powerful and irrational that no methods work until the affair is ended.

There are scores of posters here who talk about how useless they found out marriage counseling is when an affair is going on at the same time, it was like burning money.

God Bless
Gamma

Fitness centers are a breeding ground for affairs. 3 hours is more than enough time for her to be cultivating a relationship!