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Hopeful As you may already know that most marriage counselors is give you less of a chance of doing well then not seeing one at all. If you and your wife are willing to pay for a counselor then I would invest in the marriage builders accountability program instead which is more affective then a typical marriage counselor. I would email mbradio@marriagebuilders.com to find out if there are any face to face marriage coaches in your area that uses the MB principles but Dr. H has not found face to face to be any more affective then over the phone coaches. I know this. I'm working with what I've been given to work with. If I can find a face to face counselor that espouses MR principles then I believe that might start the process for her to entertain the idea and go from there. She's completely opposed to phone or Skype medians of counselling. I'm trying to reach her through modes that she's willing to be reached through. MB and anything on this site gets shut down before even mentioning in fact I'm suppose to drop according to the counselor because my wife is not on board with it.
Last edited by Hopeful_Hubby; 06/20/14 06:49 PM.
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What are the marriage builders principles she does not like? Are you sure her main objection is MB? Or is her objection doing anything to salvage your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Poja is unrealistic
She thinks he preaches fake it til you make it
She thinks it's too rigid of a program
Change should come from within that I should change for Christ, not for her and vice versa
Last edited by Hopeful_Hubby; 06/20/14 08:06 PM.
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Poja is unrealistic
She thinks he preaches fake it til you make it
She thinks it's too rigid of a program
Change should come from within that I should change for Christ, not for her and vice versa But MB is Marriage Builders regardless of whether you do it in person or over the phone. I am confused why a local counselor would be needed if she has REFUSED to live in a marriage where decisions take your feelings into account? If she thinks CHANGE is a bad thing, then what is the point?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's what I'm saying. But it's about her feelings. Mine are secondary. She's just against MB. She doesn't think it's a replacement for making gospel(religious) oriented changes
Last edited by Hopeful_Hubby; 06/20/14 08:26 PM.
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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread in future.
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That's what I'm saying. But it's about her feelings. Mine are secondary. She's just against MB. She doesn't think it's a replacement for making gospel(religious) oriented changes So she has found religion now? Did she end her affair? If I remember right, the issue was that she was against marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The affair is ended. It's been about 6 months since the last attempted contact. We've moved.
Can anyone answer my original questions?
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Can anyone answer my original questions? I answered your question.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HH,
You wrote, Wife wants face to face time
From your thread I would guess she is looking for approval for her affair, and is afraid her horrible treatment of you will be called just that by MB. I'm sorry but you should be in the drivers seat on this one she gave up her right to chose.
I suspect she will fish around for a counselor who thinks affairs save and improve marriages. Find out how many divorces the counselor she picks has had.
God Bless
Gamma
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This is the question I need answered right now. ..
Also I'm trying to find an excerpt from Harley about how marital recovery requires both partners meeting each others needs. Not that the pendulum should swing in one direction or the other based off the other persons indiscretions. Basically not punishing the other spouse and holding them hostage in the marriage to avoid meeting needs. I read it in a Harley book or on the forums here a whole ago and I just can't find it.
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So, let's start out by stating EXACTLY. What we are dealing with here; a (maybe) post-affair marriage.
So, how can you "persuade" your spouse?
Well, you should be instituting Plan A. Your wife is not in love with you.
You should have solid snooping in place against the former affair, and against any future affair.
You should be getting 25+ hours a week of UA time in EVERY WEEK.
You should be avoiding Love Busters, but most importantly Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, and Selfish Demands.
You should be learning to meet her most important Emotional Needs.
And then, you can demonstrate PoJA to her by practicing it yourself.
Don't mention MB. Don't press concepts. Live them, model them. When you have built a sufficeint Love Bank balance and she is in love with you, you may again bring it to the table.
Concentrate on YOU, YOUR actions, and tend your Love Bank balance with her. It will be far more effective than attempting to drag her kicking and screaming into agreement.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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My advice: become so well versed in MB that you can easily recognize an MB counselor a mile away. I could easily determine if a counselor embraced MB principles in one phone call, but I have been studying it for quite some time -- read the books over and over, posting on the forum, listening to hours of the radio show, counseled with Steve Harley, talked with Dr. Harley himself numerous times .... become knowledgeable in the principles and you will be able to know a good MB counselor when you see one.
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